The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

“Four rooms,” Theo’s avatar said, slamming a gold coin on the counter. “A full floor if you have it.”

Silence filled the air, as all eyes of the half-empty room focused on them. This was supposed to be the town’s best inn, though by the looks of things, it too had seen better times. The innkeeper had done his best to keep appearances: the floors were clean, the tables well kept, even the aroma of food suggested it was of a fine quality. Yet, there were signs that things were starting to take a downturn. The rack of shelves behind the bar counter were almost completely empty. Attempts were made to cover up the lack of alcohol by having flower pots fill the space. Sadly, that only confirmed the suspicion that due to the brigand activity, fewer people were passing through.

“We have a floor,” the innkeeper—a large burly man with a bushy, though well-kept mustache—grabbed the coin. “It’s only one room, but it has eight beds.”

“A single room?” Amelia let out a squeak of discontent. One annoyed glance from the avatar made her quickly fall silent.

“We have four horses.”

“Stable’s empty. I’ll see that they’re taken care of.”

Another gold coin was placed on the counter, and disappeared just as quickly as the last.

“You hungry? Food’s good, but drink…” The man sighed. “Honey water’s all I have.”

“It’ll be fine. We’ll eat first, then go to our rooms.”

A barmaid rushed out from the room behind—the kitchen by the smell of it—and quickly set up a table, adding an additional chair to it.

Without a word, Ulf, Avid, and Amelia took their seats. The dungeon’s avatar, though, remained at the counter.

“How many are you?” the innkeeper asked.

“What you see here.”

“No one’s tending to your horses?”

“They’re well behaved,” the avatar said. Never did he think that his heroic specialization would come in useful. The animal specialization allowed him to pretty much have the horses obey his every instruction. It didn’t work on the griffin, of course. The annoying creature only did what the young Rosewind asked it to do, completely ignoring everyone else. At present, it was supposed to “keep a low profile” outside the town—a big ask as far as Theo was concerned.

The innkeeper shrugged.

“I’ll have my stableboys deal with them. Hay’s included for the night.”

“Quite generous.”

“Was it a shed?” someone yelled in the room.

The avatar turned around. There was no telling who had asked the question, but it was clear that everyone was staring at him intently, expecting the answer.

“A shed?” The avatar crossed his arms.

“The thing that hit you, was it a shed?” a scrawny man in his thirties clarified.

“No… it was a wagon. A flaming wagon.”

Laughter erupted.

“They’re back to wagons,” one of the locals said with a grin. “Must have run out of houses.”

“Could have been worse. At least it’s not an outhouse like last time.”

Based on the conversations peppered throughout the bouts of laughter, it turned out that being attacked upon arrival wasn’t an isolated event. In fact, everyone from merchants to armies were greeted in exactly the same fashion: targeted by a large flaming projectile. The injuries far outweighed the dead—in fact, it wasn’t clear that there had been any deaths—though that didn’t stop wild rumors from spreading throughout the region. Theo was actually sympathetic: being bombarded by flaming outhouses was enough to instill fear in anyone, making them prone to exaggeration.

Among the laughter and conversations, the innkeeper pulled the avatar to the side, then, making sure they couldn’t be overheard, whispered in a low voice.

“You’re mercenaries?”

“Adventurers,” Theo sighed. “It’s a noble quest, so… you know how it goes.”

“The pups don’t look it.”

“You don’t say.” The avatar rolled his eyes.

“I can see you’re stuck with them. Their parents must be pretty important.”

“A duke, an earl, and the guild master of my guild. Although the guild master is just an uncle.”

“Ouch. You can always tell. Lots of flashy armor, but no skills. If you want my advice, have them run about the area for a few days, then go back. Nothing good will come from having them here. It’s not worth the headaches.”

“Their parents already gave me a headache…”

“Trust me, it’s nothing compared to what you’ll get if you come across the brigands.” The innkeeper looked about in a shifty fashion, then continued in an even more hushed voice. “The brigands don’t steal from the town; they steal from those who come to stop them. My family has had this place for seven generations. Getting customers to return is in my blood, so I know what I’m talking about. As long as people like you bring rich kids, they’ll remain, stealing everything you brought.”

Theo could see the logic. The brigand leader had definitely made a name for himself, to the point that a noble quest had been circulated. And still there were too many flaws in that plan. Even if one were to assume that he had initially survived by robbing the merchants passing through, there was no way he could be sure that well-equipped mercenaries would come to capture him. Before he became “big,” he’d probably had to deal with all the local riff-raff adventurers and mercenaries wanting to make some coin. Furthermore, there was no guarantee that someone really powerful—like a starting hero—would come to the scene. No matter how one looked at it, there were too many unknowns regarding the matter.

“Thanks… but I don’t have a choice.”

The innkeeper looked at Theo, his expression full of sadness and understanding, then tapped him on the shoulder a few times.

“I’ll find you something to drink.” The man winked. “On the house.”

The avatar made an attempt to explain there was no need, but before he could, the man had already rushed off into the kitchen. At this point, there was nothing left for the avatar to do than join the reluctant trio at their table.

Unlike everyone else, the trio was remarkably quiet. Ulf was the only one remotely relaxed, though not in the best moods since he wasn’t used to not having beer for so long. Avid and Amelia, on the other hand, were visibly uncomfortable being in the inn, unused to the crudeness of the people there. In his previous life, Theo had been pretty much the same. Since awakening as a dungeon, though, he had seen more than his fair share of crude things, especially now that he was half a town.

“Relax,” he told them. “Enjoy the food and calm while it’s here. Tonight, we’ll get a good night’s sleep, then tomorrow we set off to hunt brigands.”

None of them said a word.

“Okay.” The avatar sighed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong…” Amelia began. “It’s just… can’t we spend the night in the local earl’s castle? I’m sure that he’ll agree to it once he finds out who we are. Not to mention that the griffin will be able to curl up there.”

“We’re here as adventurers,” Theo’s avatar reminded. “So, more adventuring and less acting like spoiled nobles!”

This was one of the few instances he could say this without repercussions, so he intended to take full advantage. Also, if he were overly mean to them on this quest, maybe they’ll think twice before agreeing to join him on the next.

Meanwhile, back in his main body, the hunger depleted half of the dungeon’s energy. It was a familiar experience, but one that felt increasingly uncomfortable.

The food was rather nice, although Theo couldn’t enjoy a bite. Unable to fully appreciate the taste, his avatar was forced to swallow a few bites in order to keep the pretense of being human. It didn’t help that the innkeeper arrived with a rather large bottle of alcohol and remained there until Theo had gulped down most of it. What was left was shared with the rest of the group—which mostly meant Ulf.

As evening turned into night, the locals became more talkative. Seeing that the avatar was an adequate guy, or maybe due to pity that he had to babysit three adventurer-wannabes, they started sharing stories about the brigands. Apparently, the gang had emerged not too long ago, appearing out of nowhere. The description varied depending on the person, but the one thing everyone could agree on was the massive size of the leader. Seven feet tall of solid muscles, he had the strength to lift a cow and throw it a mile away. His subordinates—a ragtag group of criminals in torn clothes and worn-out armor—would often accompany him, ready to draw their swords at the smallest provocation.

Theo didn’t know much about brigands, in all honesty, but according to Spok, it was normal behavior. The strongest person became the leader and everyone else strived to impress him enough to be put higher up in the gang hierarchy. The interesting thing was, in the case of these brigands, that while they did a good job of displaying their power—by throwing flaming buildings and wagons at new arrivals—they were considerably tamer when executing their robberies.

Once all the food was finished, and the adventurers under Theo’s care got to relax somewhat, it was time to go up to their floor for some rest. The space was at the very top of the inn. One single door led to a vast room full of beds. There were no washing amenities, although the innkeeper boasted of an external bathhouse. Each bed had a chest nearby for personal possessions, as well as a bedpan, should someone wish to urgently do their business instead of going to the outhouse.

“Not too bad,” Ulf said, checking the quality of the bed linens. “I still think we could have gone with separate rooms… not that I’m complaining,” he quickly added, noticing the avatar’s sideways glance. “It might be a bit tricky with her ladyship here, though. Just saying.”

“Obviously you’ll have to wait outside while I get dressed,” the woman humphed.

“Maybe we can use some of the blankets to section the room in two parts,” Avid began. “That way—”

“The three of you are supposed to be adventurers,” the dungeon avatar interrupted. “Figure it out! I’ll be back in the morning.” He headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Amelia asked.

The truth was that Theo didn’t want to remain anywhere close to the trio. He had no intention of submitting himself to pseudo-deep conversations as the group coped with being outside their comfort zone. Additionally, pretending to sleep for long periods of time was rather annoying.

“I need to check on a few things,” he said. “Nothing to concern yourself with. Just get some rest. I’ll need you fresh. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”

Before any of the “adventurers” could say a word, the avatar cast half a dozen swiftness spells on himself and escaped into the corridor, closing the door behind him. A small part of him felt bad leaving the kids in such a state of confusion, but that was quickly pushed aside by his own problems. After all, the kids weren’t the reason he had sent his avatar here—it was to hopefully find a solution to his hunger problem. The hope was that whatever magic item the brigand had would be enough to satiate Theo’s hunger.

The main room of the tavern was almost empty by the time he got down. Most of the locals had gone, with the exception of a few who had fallen asleep on the tables. Apparently, alcohol wasn’t required for some to get unconscious.

Sneaking out into the street, the avatar passed by the stables to check on the horses. The animals seemed a lot more relaxed, now that flaming wagons were no longer exploding above them. That was also a good sign; it also made Theo sigh that griffins couldn’t be as well behaved as horses. Back in Rosewind, the feathered beasts had become extremely agitated, mostly because all of the town nobles had simultaneously started constructions to improve their own houses. Now that things had calmed down, the petty everyday rivalries had made a return and none were willing to let an upstart Baron—in this case Theo—have a better mansion than them. All the noise, in turn, had agitated the griffins, making them less than agreeable.

Karlston was very different from Rosewind. It was one of three towns in the area, ruled over by Earl Karlston’s brother. Inns and taverns were an integral part of it, built to accommodate any and every type of clientele from the well-off to the not-so-much. The people were quite open, probably because they were used to visitors, and rather pleasant despite the current circumstances. However, there was one thing that was markedly absent: thieves. Even Rosewind had had its problems in that regard, even before the Claw Hook gang. It was only after Theo had flooded the place with gold and rebuilt a large part of the town that petty crime had almost vanished. Here, there was no reason for that. If anything, the decrease of merchants and travelers should have made the situation worse.

Walking about, the avatar shifted from the streets to the small roads and alleyways. Nothing happened. Everyone seemed to stay in their homes, turning the place into a ghost town. After about half an hour, Theo decided to check out some of the local adventure guilds.

The Crystal Coronet was the first guild that the avatar came across. Their guildhall was a lot more impressive than any of the ones in Rosewind. Built like a mansion in the center of town, the massive building was well kept, with multiple signs and banners displaying its high status. Not in the least impressed, though, the dungeon’s avatar went to the door and entered.

“How may I help you?” a young man asked the moment the avatar set foot inside. Apparently, even at this time, there were people tending the guild.

“I’d like to see the guild master.”

“I’m afraid that’s impossible. If you’d like, I could schedule a meeting in a few days. Our guild master is very busy, you see.”

The words sounded sincere, but Theo had spent half his previous life working in corporate environments and as such had developed a sense when it came to bullshitting.

“I’m Baron Theodor d’Argent,” he said with as much snobbishness as he could muster. “Sent here to complete a noble quest, one that your guild has failed. So, don’t give me the standard answers and tell your guild master, or whoever’s here, that I must meet them right now.” And just to make his point, Theo cast an ice magic spell, creating an ice crystal in his hand.

The smile never left the man’s head. He looked right back at the baron, nodded, then stepped out from behind the counter, and went up the nearest staircase. A few moments later, he returned back down, accompanied by a tall woman with long crimson hair.

The woman would definitely pass for attractive, her athletic muscles visible even under all the silk and furs she was wearing. To some degree, she reminded Theo of Liandra—the heroine with whom he’d saved Rosewind.

“I’m vice guild master Orchid,” the woman introduced herself, the intensity of her stare indicating that she wasn’t to be trifled with. “Although my friends call me Red.”

“Theo,” the avatar introduced himself. “Would you prefer we talk here?”

“It depends. What do you wish to talk about?”

“The brigand leader.”

“Hmm,” the woman said, tapping her chin with her right index finger. “The brigand leader. A lot of people have been asking about him lately, but only you’ve demonstrated enough intelligence to come ask at the source. Well played.”

“Thank you.” The avatar kept a straight face. He had no idea what the woman was talking about. The reason he had come to this guild was that it was the first he had come across. Frankly, Theo had intended to go through all the guilds in town in order to pass time and gather as much information as possible.

“I think it’s better if we continued in our quest room.” The vice guild master led the way.

Following her, the avatar was led to a somewhat small, but rather comfortable study. Large padded chairs were placed around a small round table. Candelabras with dozens of candles each provided light from all four corners.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Red asked as she took her seat.

“No.”

“Straight to business? I appreciate that. So, you’re another mercenary who’s come here to try your luck with the brigands?”

“Something like that. I’m an adventurer, actually.”

“No, you’re not. You don’t look like a person who has something to prove, and only nobles with something to prove become adventurers. Are you hiding from someone?”

That wasn’t a conversation the dungeon was willing to have. Quickly, he took a pouch from his belt and tossed it onto the table.

“I just want to know everything there is about the brigands,” he said, changing the subject. “You guessed right. It’s not about proving a point or the money.”

“There’s no need for that,” the woman said without even picking up the pouch. “We’re both adventurers, after all. I’d guess you’re doing this as a favor to a noble friend. Whatever the case, that’s your business. What’s my business is for the situation to get resolved soon. You’ve seen the effects the brigands have had in the area?”

“Some. How exactly did they appear? I asked about it at the inn I’m staying at, but…” He left the sentence unfinished.

“I can guess what you were told. Sadly, half of what they say is right. No one knows where the brigands came from. One day, they were just here. No other settlements had been affected, no merchant had seen them, even the local mages couldn’t track them back to anywhere specific. As far as the world is concerned, the brigands fell out of the sky.”

“And you weren’t able to take them.”

“At first, we didn’t want to. They targeted thieves and lowlifes—people that wouldn’t be missed one way or the other. They never killed, just robbed. They’d beat up anyone who’d try to resist, of course. Then, when they finished with the thieves, they shifted their focus to merchants and travelers. Now, they go after everyone sent to capture them.”

“And not the local ruler?”

The woman shook her head.

That rendered the dungeon completely clueless. Anywhere else, he’d be commenting on how ludicrous it all sounded. Here, though, he had to keep his composure.

“What about the leader? Anything I should know about him?”

“Plenty. For one thing, he had an anti-magic necklace. Low-level spells are utterly useless. Some magic items as well. Some of our adventurers tried snatching it, but he’s too fast, and definitely too strong.”

“How strong exactly?”

“Strong enough to uproot a small building and throw it half a mile away. It was at that point that the people stopped messing with him. Having to fight with an overpowered barbarian was one thing. Knowing that he could hit your home with a burning building… that helps achieve some leniency.”

That sounded like a good reason why the locals had no desire to deal with their brigand problem, at least not in the immediate future. If things remained as they were, the town would be in pretty bad shape in a few seasons. Red Orchid knew that, which was why she was helping Theo free of charge. If someone from town were to try to take on the brigands, there would be consequences. If it was someone from the outside—that was a different matter entirely.

“What else?”

“There’s a chance that the brigand is a necromancer.”

Back in Rosewind, Theo’s main building trembled. “Spok, anything you can say on the matter?”

“Nothing that you don’t know, sir,” the spirit guide replied. “Such an army would be difficult to destroy, unless one has bless spell, and you do. Just be sure not to use up all your energy.”

“Let’s just hope it doesn’t end up being a lich,” the dungeon grumbled.

Theo didn’t like liches. They were strong, troublesome, and spent a lot of time talking. The dungeon had only faced one such entity so far—a fallen soul who had taken on the hobby of collecting heroes and encasing them in ice, as if they were a set of action figures.

“Are you sure?” the avatar asked the vice guild master.

“Several of his subordinates were chopped into two with a special attack from one of our rising stars. The parts of the disgusting things crawled back together, then stood up and continued fighting. At that point, the count and the guilds decided it was enough. A silent agreement was reached: we don’t meddle with the brigands, and they don’t meddle with us.”

The woman pushed the pouch along the table to the avatar’s side.

“I expect the situation is now clear?”

“Yes, very clear.” The avatar took his pouch, then stood up. “I have one final question. Where is the brigand’s base?”

“Why do you think I’d know? Didn’t I say that we don’t meddle with them?”

“You did, but in order not to do that, you need to know exactly where not to go, so as not to meddle by accident.”

The avatar smiled. He was rather proud of his reasoning. Now he only hoped that his conclusion was correct, otherwise he’d end up looking like a fool. Fortunately, Red Orchid smiled as well. Reaching into the air, she summoned a scroll, then unrolled it on the table. It was a map of the area.

“Forest Marsh.” She tapped the spot on the map west of the town. “It’s always been a nasty place. Horses get easily lost and when something gets stuck in the muck, it’s almost impossible to get it out. Other than a few thieves who liked to stash their loot there, no one frequented the area. That was why it was seen as no loss when we were warned not to go there. If the brigands have a stronghold nearby, it’s a pretty good bet it’s there.”

“Forest Marsh,” Theo repeated. “Sounds like a fun place. How long to get there?”

“About a day. A few hours on horseback.”

The map rolled up, then disappeared once again.

“I’m not one to tell you your craft, but I’d be careful. There’s nothing but fields and meadows between here and the marsh. The brigands will see you coming from miles away. They’re likely to greet you with another burning shed or two.”

“I’ll deal with that. What proof do you need to acknowledge the quest as complete?”

“The necklace would be acceptable, although I’d prefer the lead brigand’s head. I’m aware that it might be difficult to get since it’s a necromancer. Just don’t bring a bag of ash. The guild master really doesn’t like to deal with such remains.”

“Head it is.” Theo needed the necklace to consume, anyway. If the item was as magical as described, it ought to be enough to deal with his ailment. “It shouldn’t take me more than a day. See you then.”

The woman let out a dry laugh.

“Quite confident. In that case, I’ll tell you the same thing I told all the mercenaries before you: good luck, and make it back alive.”