The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

The throne room was packed with people—not just the usual nobles and soldiers, but also everyone who could physically squeeze in. The whole thing was a grand event: a noble quest given to the protector of Rosewind, and something Theo had desperately tried to avoid. It was clear that he’d have to go through such a humiliation the moment the Lionmane guild told him the details surrounding the job. Yet, even in his worst nightmare he hadn’t imagined all this.

“Friends,” Earl Rosewind began, a large smile on his face. “We have seen many perils in the last few months. Although it’s difficult to tell now, months ago our beautiful city was almost lost to goblin armies.”

A deliberate pause followed. The earl was a master orator, which he used to the fullest advantage. Anyone listening would almost think that he was the one who saved the city. Some of them already did.

“And today, my good friend, the Protector of Rosewind, Baron d’Argent, has volunteered to do another great service, not only to us, but for the kingdom itself.”

Theo grumbled internally. When he had gone to talk to the earl about it, he was promised that everything would be kept low key. The town’s ruler had clearly lied, no doubt taking advantage of the circumstances to pressure the king to make him a duke. A few more noble quests achieved—by Theo or someone like him—and it could well happen. All that was fine. What Theo wanted was just to get rid of his affliction.

“A group of despicable brigands have been causing trouble as of late,” Earl Rosewind said. “Their leader seems to be quite skilled, evading capture from local troops and paid adventurers. With Evil rearing its ugly head in the continent once more, heroes are in high demand and too expensive to deal with such a minor problem. Strictly speaking, even a nobleman and adventurer would rarely choose to do so, but our baron isn’t just any noble, he’s a rare breed that personally asked me to grant him this quest purely on his own accord!”

Clapping and whispers filled the throne room. Theo felt sick. Even so, his avatar remained smiling, still on one knee.

“Naturally, I didn’t have the heart to turn him down.” The earl smiled.

That good for nothing liar, Theo thought. Once again, he was twisting everything around. Technically, Earl Rosewind wasn’t wrong; Theo had gone to see him with his avatar, asking for the quest in the hope it would solve his current issue. There was no need to make that public, though.

“I am honored and flattered that you’ve put so much trust in me, Earl Rosewind,” Theo’s avatar said. “I will do my best not to let you and the town down.”

“I’m sure that you’ll make us proud.” The earl waved his wrist in the air several times. “Not only will you go on this dangerous quest, but you have also agreed to help shape up a few people in the process.”

“Huh?” Theo blinked. He had never done anything of the sort. For one thing, he distinctly remembered asking the earl that he go alone on this mission. It was difficult enough to be stuck with a hero last time.

“The guild master of the Lionmane guild, the very guild the Baron has become a member and sponsor of, has informed me that you’ll be taking his nephew along.”

“He did?” The smile remained on Theo’s avatar. The dungeon, however, was shaking creating a minor tremor throughout the town.

Traitor! Theo thought.

“Ulfang von Gregor,” the earl said loudly. “Please stand behind the baron.”

The expression of surprise on the adventurer’s face was so great that it eclipsed everyone else’s. There was hardly a person in the surrounding area that didn’t know Ulf. Most would describe him as a competent adventurer, who preferred to spend most of his time having fun in the local taverns. Some even went so far as to say that his strength and skill were only surpassed by his laziness. Theo especially considered the man useless, since he’d spend most of his time hanging with Cmyk.

“Did you know?” the dungeon asked back in his main body.

“It’s never been a secret,” Spok said calmly. “The adventurer didn’t hide the fact, he just didn’t particularly advertise it.”

“How’s that any different?!” Theo snapped, slamming a few doors as he did. “Having an adventurer is almost as bad as having a hero. Now I’m stuck with him.”

“Adventurers commonly move about in parties. When you joined the guild, it was optimistic to assume that you wouldn’t be asked to join one.”

Theo didn’t respond. The spirit guide was absolutely right—it was a valid possibility, he just hoped that he’d be able to use his money and influence to go on a solo mission.

Back in the throne room, Ulf silently made his way towards the earl. A step away from Theo’s avatar he fell down on one knee.

“Ulfang, I know this is an important step for you,” the earl said in his wise man’s tone. “Normally I wouldn’t have sent you out on something so dangerous, but I’ve known your uncle for quite a while, so I agreed to his request. Also, having a hero—in nature if not in name—guide you will ensure that nothing bad happens. Isn’t that right, baron?”

“Of course.” Great, now I’m a babysitter too.

“Splendid.” The earl rubbed the palms of his hands together. “And since it would be a sin to waste such a splendid opportunity, I’ve selfishly decided to send my son along as well.”

If reality were to mirror what was going through Theo’s mind, a swamp would have swallowed the town whole. The earl’s son was no better than Ulf!

“Are you sure, Earl?” Theo asked in hope. “Your son isn’t even an adventurer, not to mention—”

“Oh, Karlton made him a member a few hours ago. That makes him perfectly eligible to join your party.”

One glance at the young man made it clear that it had been done without his knowledge.

“It’ll also give him a chance to actually see the world and not just read about it.” Polite laughter filled the hall. “Not to mention that he’ll finally get to ride a griffin in combat, isn’t that right, Avid?”

“Yes, father.” The young noble bowed, then took his place next to Ulf, behind Theo.

The dungeon was already in a terrible mood, but suddenly all its annoyance changed to horror. The experience of his current and past life had taught him that just when one thinks that things can’t get worse, they usually do.

“Isn’t that splendid?” the avatar asked, trying to keep his tone sarcasm-free. “Is there any other fine lad that will be joining me on this quest?”

“Baron, you’re such a joker.” The earl chuckled. “Of course not, my good friend.”

Thank the heavens. Theo thought.

“The only other member of your party will be Lady Amelia Godon.”

In Theo’s mind, the sky shattered. He felt as if he was being punished for all the lucky breaks he’d recently gotten. There was no arguing that he had earned way more Core Points than any dungeon should have, entirely by accident. Karma was bound to catch up to him sooner or later. Apparently, the moment had arrived. And just to rub it in, the universe had Lady Amelia make her grand entrance dressed in the most expensive set of armor Theo had seen.

Familiar with a number of ores and minerals after his rank increase, he could tell that the woman’s breastplate was made entirely of lightning ore—a metal light as air, hard as diamond, and guaranteed to zap anything attempting to break it. At one point, the dungeon had seriously considered covering his corridors with the metal, but quickly decided against it upon learning how rare and expensive the material was. The ore itself couldn’t be found on the continent, and only mid-level mages were able to refine it to a usable state. Gold and platinum alloys completed the rest of the armor, making it as practical as a night scope flashlight. If Amelia’s goal was to attract attention, she had definitely succeeded, and would succeed even more once they went near to where the brigands were.

“Earl Rosewind,” the woman said. “You have my thanks for accepting my request. My father was particularly pleased.”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure.” The earl nodded, waiting for the woman to join the rest of the group. “Naturally, Lady Amelia was also made a member of the Lionmane Adventurer guild, for the purposes of this noble quest, at least.”

“Naturally,” the dungeon’s avatar whispered beneath his breath.

“Baron, I officially give you the noble task of finding these despicable brigands and putting an end to their rampage. Godspeed and good luck!”

All three junior members of the party stood up, reminding Theo to do the same. Cheers filled the hall. The cynical part of the dungeon grumbled that they were only doing so because they were getting rid of him. However, it was difficult to ignore the unadulterated cheer. In their eyes, this wasn’t just a bunch of adventurers setting off. The group held the hopes of the entire town—the belief that they were more than just an insignificant speck of land in the middle of nowhere.

“We should leave right away,” Amelia said. “Don’t you agree, baron?”

“Nope,” the avatar replied instantly. It wasn’t that he had an opinion on the matter, but he just disliked being told what to do, especially by a troublemaker such as her. “Before that, we must prepare. This isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.” He used one of the cliches frequently used in his previous life. “Go home, pack up. Only what’s vital.” He glanced at all of them in turn. “Then we meet at the city gate and set off.”

The dungeon expected everyone to rush hastily and start preparing for the trip. The suggestion was aimed at giving him a few hours of peace and quiet before the long annoyance that would inevitably follow. Surprisingly, no such thing occurred. The trio continued walking behind him as they had done before. At first, Theo didn’t react. After they left the castle, though, he stopped in place. Everyone else did the same.

“Is there a reason you’re not doing what I said?” The avatar crossed its arms.

“My home is your home,” Amelia said. “At least while I’m in Rosewind.”

“I already packed everything,” Avid replied, pointing at the dimensional ring on his left pinky finger.

“Uncle has my horse ready at the town gates,” Ulf said with a sigh. “Everything’s there.”

“Oh… That’s good. In that case, go to the town gates and wait for me. I need to prepare.”

The remark earned the avatar a few weird glances, but ultimately the trio continued on. Theo waited for half a minute, then continued with his avatar towards his main building. Griffins filled the air with screeches as he did.

“Annoying creatures,” Theo grumbled in his main body, while various items were being levitated into his dimensional satchel. “Try taming them while I’m gone.”

“I fear that would be impossible, sir,” Spok replied, strictly observing the items packed, and moving away those that she considered unnecessary for the trip. “Royal griffins are by nature wild. They are just extremely intelligent and loyal, creating the impression that they can be tamed.”

“They’re pesky and bribable is what they are. Bribable with… anyway, what can you tell me about the brigands I must deal with?”

“Nothing of significance, sir. They appear to be rather strong, but given what you have dealt with so far, I don’t think they’ll be an issue for you.”

“Even with a bunch of pesky kids coming along for the ride?”

“I doubt they’ll uncover your secret, sir.”

“I know they won’t. It’s them I’m worried about. I’m still clueless how they survived Lord Mandrake’s attack. Having them get less than a hundred miles from a group of brigands is a terrible idea.”

“That might be so, but since you’re already an established mage, you have an excuse to keep them protected. All you have to do is make sure they don’t take any magical devices before you consume them. That shouldn’t be too difficult.”

The conversation continued for another few minutes. In the end, it was decided that Spok would take care of all the day-to-day trivialities—as she currently did—while Theo’s avatar was away. The dungeon, on its part, was going to make a serious effort to stop needlessly consuming resources or growing without need. It sounded quite simple in theory, but even now, Theo felt the irrational desire to grow. To trick his senses, the dungeon created a few new rooms, then negated them again.

After everything was said, and the domestic rabbit fed, the dungeon’s avatar took the dimensional satchel and left. There was no sign of Cmyk, of course. The minion was underground, tending to the magic orchard as he did every day. One would call it an honorable endeavor; not Theo, though. The dungeon knew better than anyone that Cmyk was just wasting time until he could go out and have fun in some tavern. If there was any justice, he would be accompanying the party, but as a skeletal minion, he couldn’t wander too far from the town.

Ulf, Avid, and Amelia were patiently waiting outside the city gates. Four horses and a griffin stood ready for the voyage. One was a majestic gray purebred that more than likely had a touch of unicorn blood in its veins. The other three were well tended brownish beasts that could pass great distances before needing a rest. And then, there was the griffin, which was currently being petted by the earl’s son.

“What’s all this?” the avatar asked, giving the creatures a critical glance.

“Horses?” Ulf asked, uncertain what the question was about.

“Of course they are horses. Why are they here? We won’t be needing them.”

“We’ll be flying?” Amelia asked, also slightly confused.

“No.” The avatar sighed. “We’ll be using a portal.” He snapped his fingers at which point a purple vortex of magic appeared within a section of the wall.

The finger snapping was just for show. Theo had acquired the ability to create portals by consuming a demon lord’s heart, allowing him to create it anywhere within himself. So far, this was the first time he would actually use the ability. Spok had been against it. Even if it didn’t require too much energy considering the distance involved, it was going to be a slight drain which when combined with his hunger affliction would make his aether reserves somewhat low. Normally, the dungeon would agree. However, faced with the prospect of enduring three gaggling adventure wannabes, he preferred just to pay the energy cost and be done with it.

“Let’s go,” the avatar urged.

“I can’t go without Octavian,” Avid Rosewind said.

“Octavian?” The avatar arched a brow.

“He’s more than a mount. Besides, what if we need to chase the brigands? Or search for them?”

“I have spells that will achieve both without needing—”

“If he can bring his mount, I’ll bring mine!” Amelia Godon interrupted. “Just because he’s got a griffin doesn’t mean I must walk. Sunrise is a lot faster!”

Theo was about to note that he hadn’t allowed anyone to bring a mount before Ulf also joined in. Apparently, he too considered it advantageous having a mount. A long argument began in which each of the three adventurers kept on piling up reasons why their beasts were not only necessary, but vital for the success of the quest. It was a whole lot of crap, of course. There was nothing that any of the creatures could do that Theo couldn’t match. After several minutes, he’d had enough.

“Quiet!” the avatar snapped, casting a multi-spell.

An aether shield sphere formed around each of the adventurers and their mounts,who then proceeded to go through the portal.

“Worse than herding cats,” Theo grumbled in his main body as his avatar stepped through the portal as well. Now he knew there was a reason he didn’t create lots of minions.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, sir. Do you want me to find out more about the brigands?”

“Don’t bother. As you said, they won’t present a significant challenge. I just want to get done with this so I get rid of the hunger and—”

YOU FEEL DEVASTATING HUNGER!

“—get to rest a bit.”

Half the buildings in the town creaked in a sigh. In his previous life, Theo felt like crap being forced to work ten hours per day, six days per week. Here, there were things that needed his attention twenty-four seven.

The spot where the dungeon’s party appeared was a few miles from a small town in which the brigands’ activities had been reported. The region wasn’t all that significant, although more central than Rosewind. The reason for this was a silver mine that still produced enough ore to be left open, and a large number of vineyards of average quality. The one vast advantage the area provided was the large trade road connecting the kingdom to its northern neighbor. It was precisely there that most of the robberies had taken place. So far, several merchant caravans had been attacked and robbed, leading to a lot of displeased people quite a few nobles. The annoyance wasn’t significant enough to have the king send a massive army, but every week more members of a noble family would complain about losing a shipment from foreign lands.

“Ready to behave?” Theo’s avatar asked, pulling the aether spheres closer to him. Everyone, including the animals, nodded. “Good!”

The spheres disappeared like popped bubbles, dropping their contents to the ground. Meanwhile, the portal slowly faded away until it completely disappeared.

“Here’s how it’ll go.” The avatar glared at each of the adventurers in turn. “We go to town, we go to the largest guild we find, and ask about the job. That’s it. No chatting, no drinking, no—”

“What about an inn?” Amelia asked. “We’ll need a place to stay while here.”

“With a large stable,” Ulf added. “Not sure how they’ll react to the griffin, though.”

“He’ll be fine out here.” Avid moved to the creature. The griffin spread its wings, free of the artificial encapsulation Theo had put it in, then stretched its neck, expecting to be petted.

Cats, Theo said to himself. The griffins are nothing but annoying cats.

“What about drinks?” Ulf asked. “Can we pass by a tavern after we get rooms at an inn?”

“And a bath.” Amelia nodded. “Rooms with baths.”

Soon enough, Theo had had enough.

“Just…” the avatar said loudly, raising a finger. Everyone stopped talking. This was a new side they’d seen of him—a far harsher and scarier side that demanded full obedience. “There will be no inns, no baths, no taverns! All that we’ll do is go to town, find where the brigands are hiding, then capture them. That’s it! Nothing more!”

Cautiously, Avid raised a hand.

“Yes?” The avatar crossed its arms.

“Won’t we get paid?” the young Rosewind asked. “With this being a local mission, we’ll need to register the kill in a local adventurer's guild.”

The suggestion was rather smart, creating a moment of internal conflict within the dungeon. On the one hand, Avid was correct; on the other—Theo really didn’t want to admit it.

“I’ll worry about that,” he said at last. “All you have to do is watch, learn, and not get yourselves killed. Think you can manage that?”

Everyone nodded in near unison.

“Good. Now, let’s—”

Before the avatar could finish, a flaming ball of fire appeared in the sky. It started off small like a dot, quickly increasing in size as it flew in the direction of the adventure party. Within moments it was as large as a sun, aiming to scorch the group along with their mounts. Fortunately, Theo was faster.

“Ice wall,” he said without a moment’s hesitation.

A dome of ice formed above.

“Get ready!” the avatar shouted, casting swiftness on himself. Past experience had taught him that powerful fire spells could easily melt through ice defenses. A loud clunk later, he found this wasn’t the case.

Burning remains rolled off the ice dome, falling to the ground. Then there was silence. Everyone remained motionless. Seconds passed.

“Should we just stay here?” Amelia whispered.

“It’s a trick,” Ulf explained. “They’re just waiting for us to drop the shield so they can throw something else.”

Drawing a sword from his dimensional ring, the avatar went to the side of the dome. As he approached, an archway formed, letting him see the field outside.

“Stay here,” he stepped out.

Remnants were still smoldering all about. Looking closer, Theo saw what was left of half a wagon wheel, charred to black. This wasn’t a fireball that was cast at them. Instead, someone had just thrown what was left of a burning wagon. It was a safe bet to say that the brigands were aware of the adventurers’ presence. That complicated things a bit.

“New plan,” Theo’s avatar said. “We find an inn with a stable, take all the mounts there, then start asking about the brigands.”