Emmy And Me

It didn’t take long. Just a few more nights of me staying over and we agreed I should just move in to Emmy’s house. I packed up my few belongings that weren’t already over there and told Shinju that I’d continue to make the dorm my official residence so I’d still be by for my mail every couple of days.

Moving in with Emmy didn’t feel the way I’d imagined way back when. The townhouse felt even less like ‘home’ than the dorm room had.

Living in the soulless condo was strange at first, but I was determined I was going to make it a home for the two of us, so some changes were in order.

The condo was so bright and airy with its big two story tall living room that I just knew it would be perfect for house plants. There was a farmer’s market held on a street nearby, and we picked up some largish potted plants (a nice Weeping Fig and a Rubber Tree) and some really pretty ceramic pots to put them in. I paid for everything before Emmy even had a chance to reach for her money. There was no way I was going to give her any impression that I wasn’t contributing financially as much as I could to our new living arrangement.

While at the farmer’s market we bought some great fruits and vegetables for the fridge and some other ingredients for dinners. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not much of a cook, but Emmy had never cooked a meal in her life so it was up to me. I didn’t want to live on cafeteria food and restaurants- we needed some home cooking.

Bringing our goodies home and putting the plants in places of honor in the living room and upstairs landing made me feel better already. Whatever steps I could take to personalize the house and give it some sense of life were good things, I thought. Emmy had been in the place for three months and it showed no signs of anybody living there at all, and I thought that complete lack of homey feel was doing her soul no favors.

A grocery-shopping trip just about wiped out the rest of my weekly budget, but again, it was important to me that it be obvious I had no intention of mooching. It made me sad to think that something like this would matter, but there it was. I was going to tread as softly as possible to undo the damage to our relationship from the events of the last six months, however I could. Emmy’s trust in me had been shattered and getting her to believe in me and in my love for her was worth any effort.

I took on the duty of cooking for the two of us, and Emmy made it fair by cleaning up. I made the bed in the morning, and she did the laundry. It was more like being roommates than lovers, but it was a step.

I tried gently pressuring her into practicing her guitar, but she resisted, so I didn’t push it. Baby steps, I reminded myself. It was all about the baby steps.

It was a little after seven in the evening when we got to Fallbrook. The drive down for Thanksgiving break had been easy but the silence in the car had been uncomfortable. Emmy was still withdrawn and quiet despite the week we’d been living together, despite the ten days we’d spent together since I first spotted her on campus. She’d built quite a shell for herself and it had been proving a lot harder than I’d expected to crack it.

Emmy pulled that big beast of an SUV into that familiar parking lot next to Mom’s old car. Emmy started to grab my duffel bag, but I told her to leave it. “We can get it later. I just want to go in and say hello first.”

“I should go to my parent’s house,” Emmy objected, but I wasn’t going to have any of that.

“Not just yet, you don’t. First you need to come in and say hello.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her up the stairs. Emmy resisted a little bit, but not too much. I unlocked the door and stepped in to that same old comfortable living room and it was like a warm hug from a loved one. I’d been away longer than I’d ever been before, and it was just so, so very good to be home.

Tiff jumped up from the table where she’d been drawing and rushed over to say hello. When I pulled Emmy into the room with me Tiff let out a squeal and changed direction. She wrapped her arms around Emmy, totally ignoring me for the moment. “Emmy! Emmy! You’re home!” she squeaked in her excitement. “You’re home! I missed you so much! We all missed you!” Tiffany’s enthusiasm was uncontrollable. She was so wound up that she started crying with happiness, even as she continued to babble to Emmy about how much she missed Emmy singing her to sleep, and how good her grades were last year because Emmy had helped her so much, and so on. Tiffany had Emmy in such a tight embrace that Emmy couldn’t really move, so I gently pushed them both inside so I could shut the door.

I turned back to look at the two of them, and saw Emmy kissing the top of Tiff’s head, murmuring about how much she had missed Tiffany, too, and how happy she was to see her again. I was pretty sure I saw tears in Emmy’s eyes, and she was hugging Tiff with just as much conviction as Tiffany was squeezing her.

I went over and gave Mom a hello hug, and answered her questioning look with a whispered “I’ll tell you all about it later.”

Eventually Tiffany ran out of things to say and pulled Emmy over to the couch where she sat Emmy down, then climbed into her lap and just cuddled quietly. Emmy gave me a look that I couldn’t really define, but it certainly wasn’t unhappy.

I sat at the table and talked to Mom for a while about college and my grades (not as good as I’d hoped, but not bad, either) and about how I’d become the first freshman starter on the team in years. In the background, I could hear Emmy and Tiff whispering, gently babbling to each other. It all felt so right, as if none of the last six months we’d lost mattered.

I could see Mom had a lot of questions, and I knew that some of them were going to be uncomfortable. I was glad that she was willing to wait until later to ask them, too.

After a while, Mom told Tiff that it was time for bed, and when Tiff asked Emmy to sing to her, I thought I could see the first big crack in Emmy’s armor.

As we listened to Emmy sing a lullaby to Tiffany, I admitted to Mom that I’d been living with Emmy for a week but hadn’t wanted to mention it because I wasn’t sure how things were going. “What happened this summer really changed her, Mom,” I said. “It’s been really tough to see her the way she’s been. It’s like she’s going through the motions, but not really living, if you know what I mean. I’m not even sure she really believes I still love her, and I don’t know what to do,” I moaned.

“I can’t say I’ve seen what you’re talking about tonight,” Mom countered. “She seems like the same old Emmy she always was.”

“You didn’t see how I had to drag her into the apartment,” I argued. “She didn’t even want to come up to say hello.”

“Hmm…” Mom said, drifting into thought. “My guess is she didn’t know what her reception would be. I mean, she did leave abruptly, and perhaps she thought that Tiffany would be mad at her for abandoning her like that.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I conceded.

Emmy emerged from Tiffany’s room and sat down at the table with us, saying “Tiffany is asleep,” in a soft voice tinged with something like wonder, or amazement. “I…” Emmy started to say, but didn’t finish.

“She’s missed you very, very much, Emmy,” Mom said. “Seeing you tonight might be the best thing that’s happened to her in a long time.” Then, as if she just remembered her manners, Mom added “I’m pleased to see you again, too. Very glad you came down with Lee.”

“Thank you,” Emmy said, still feeling awkward. “I was not sure.”

Mom did something totally unexpected. She reached out and rested her hand on Emmy’s, and said “Of course we’re always happy to see you, Emmy. You make this house feel more complete, somehow. We missed you.”

Emmy didn’t know what to say to that, but she finally whispered “Thank you,” and it was clear to me that what Mom had said meant more than simple words.

“It’s getting late, and I’m sure the two of you are quite tired from your long drive. You two should get some sleep,” Mom said, shooing us off.

“I should go home,” Emmy said to me as we got up.

I put my hands on Emmy’s shoulders and turned her to face me. “You are home,” I said. “You are home, Em. Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

All resistance Emmy might have been planning on putting up vanished, and she let me lead her to my- to our room. Emmy looked around, then sat on the bed, a sort of bewildered look on her face. I sat behind her, my legs on either side of hers. I pulled her back into my arms, and whispered into her ear. “This is where you belong, Em. Here, with me. In our bed.”

“Is it our bed, Leah? Is it really? Perhaps it is actually not my bed anymore, but yours and Stephanie’s,” responded Emmy, sounding more defeated than bitter.

“No, Emmy. It’s our bed, yours and mine. I never shared this bed with Stephanie.”

“Stephanie never spent the night?” Emmy asked, surprised.

I wanted to be totally honest, so I felt full disclosure was the proper way to go. “Once we actually hooked up, no. She never spent the night here with me. To tell you the full and complete truth, though, I do have to say that that first night, after I went to your parents’ house and the guard at the gate told me you’d all gone back to Paris, I was a total wreck. Stephanie stayed with me that night just to hold me while I cried all night long. It wasn’t until a long time after that that we got involved, though. She was just here that night as a friend.”

“Thank you for telling me that,” Emmy whispered. After a few thoughtful moments, she added “I am glad you had somebody here for you then.”

“I was so devastated, Em. I felt as if my whole world had collapsed. I thought that life would be easier if I just simply died.”

“That does not make any sense,” Emmy replied, a hint of a chuckle in her voice.

“No, it doesn’t, but that’s how I felt. Now come on, let’s go to sleep.” I sat Emmy up so we could get ready for bed.

After we’d brushed our teeth and changed into our sleepwear, Emmy commented how surprised she was that her toothbrush was still in the bathroom and her clothes were still in the dresser drawers. “All your stuff is still here, Em. All of it. Well, except the one guitar I took with me to school.”

We settled in to our old pattern of me spooning her in that little bed and it felt so absolutely right, so perfect, that all I could do was squeeze Emmy’s thin body against mine and bury my face in her hair and weep silent tears of pure happiness.

Just as I started to drift off, Emmy spoke. “Leah, are you still awake?” she asked, her voice soft.

I mumbled something, which I guess was enough to let her know I was.

“This is all I ever wanted, Leah. Just this. Just…”

“Em, you have it now. You have it now,” I answered, still a little dazed from the edge of sleep. I kissed her shoulder to make my point.

“Oh, Leah. I wish I did. I wish for nothing more. But I cannot have this. I cannot have you, and Tiffany, and your mother. I cannot have this house. I cannot have this life, Leah.” With that pronouncement, Emmy started to cry, her strange silent sobs wracking her too-slender body.

I rolled her around to face me, now fully awake. “What’s wrong, Em? What do you mean? This life is yours if you want it. God knows I want it, Em. I want this life for us.”

“I want it more than anything, Leah, but I cannot. My life is not mine to decide what I can have and what I cannot.”

“Shh…” I murmured, kissing her tears away as best I could. “Is this about your duties as a princess?”

“You… you know?” Emmy choked, surprised.

“Yeah, I think I do. Your mom told me what she and your dad expect from you. She told me that night.” There was no need to explain which night I meant. For both of us it would be remembered as “that night” for a long time to come.

“What did my mother tell you?” The astonishment in her voice definitely told me that she hadn’t known her mom would ever reveal family secrets.

“She told me you have to carry on the family line. She told me that you have to bear children to produce heirs. She didn’t say it, but if I understand what she was talking about, a daughter would be the best.”

“And that is why I can’t stay with you, Leah” Emmy said. “I have to find a suitable husband.”

“No, Em. You don’t. We can stay together, forever. We can.”

“How?” Emmy asked. “How can we stay together, Leah?”

“Your mom said that the line needs heirs, Em. She also said that it doesn’t really matter who the father is, just that you have children.” My explanation wasn’t really getting anywhere, so I added “Em, you could get an artificial insemination. It doesn’t much matter who the sperm donor is, Em. We could pick somebody out together. We could raise the children- our children, Emmy, together. You don’t need to be married to a man, Emmy. If this stupid Proposition 8 thing goes away, we can get married here in California. If it doesn’t, we can get married in some other state that allows gay marriage. We can have a life together, Em. Your mom said she would be O.K. with it, too,” I added.

Emmy’s voice trembled slightly as she asked “Leah, did you just ask me to marry you?”

“I… I guess I just did, didn’t I? I- well, I guess I hadn’t thought about it, but maybe somehow subconsciously I was thinking…” I realized I was babbling when Emmy gently put her finger on my lips to shut me up.

“Leah, there is nothing in the world I want more. Nothing. I just want to be certain that this is what you want, too.”

Remembering back to Christmas break, how I’d daydreamed of the life the two of us would have together, I nodded since I knew Emmy could see me as plain as day in that dark room. I whispered “It is, Em. It is what I want”.

“Even though-” Emmy started to say, but I interrupted her.

“Even though.” Whatever it was, it didn’t matter to me.

“Please, Leah. Let me finish,” Emmy said, so I shut up and let her say whatever it was that she thought might be enough to keep us apart. “Leah, I will have to assume the duties of my station, beyond simply bearing heirs. There are other things as well.”

“So?” I asked. “Whatever it is you have to do, I’ll be there with you.”

“It might be unpleasant at times, Leah. It will definitely involve a lot of travel, and I might need to…” Emmy trailed off, unsure what to say.

“I’ll go anywhere with you, Em. Whatever it is you need to do, it doesn’t matter.”

“I wish that could be true, Leah. I am afraid that events may become dangerous, and I may need to do things that may make you hate me,” Emmy said, her voice sad.

“I could never hate you, Em. I love you so much it…” I didn’t have words to describe my feelings for Emmy, so I let my kisses do my talking for me.

“I love you, Leah. That is why I had hoped I could escape this life, but my parents…” Emmy said, pulling away from me to look me in the eyes.

“You never told me what happened that night,” I reminded Emmy. “I haven’t wanted to ask, but I’ve got to know. What did your parents do when they took you away?”

“It is complicated, Leah. I told you that I have never lived in the dark, do you remember? My parents took me to see that life, Leah, and how miserable it is for those that cannot live any other way. They did that so that I would see what my purpose in this life is, what they have spent my entire life preparing me to do. Leah, I am the one. I am the only one who can do it- to lead my people into the light. It must be done, and I must be the one who does it.”

“Why?” I demanded. “Why can’t your parents do it? They live in the light, too.”

“Yes, but they were not born in the daylight, as I was. I am proof that it is possible, Leah. My people are afraid, and resistant to change. If I can show that a better life is possible, things could get better for all of them.”

“O.K.” I said grudgingly. “Let’s say that you have to do this. What will it mean? What’ll be required? I mean, what specifically do you have to do?”

“I do not know yet. I have some thoughts on what may happen, but how it happens exactly is not up to me.”

“Well, whatever it is, I want to be there with you,” I said, trying to make it as clear as possible that Emmy was a very important part of my plans.

“I would like that,” Emmy whispered. “And I truly hope that it will all be easy, but I am very afraid that it may not be.”

“We’ll deal with any issues when they come up,” I said, trying to reassure Emmy as best I could. “But for tonight all that matters is that we’re here, in our bed, and you’re in my arms. Nothing else matters.”

Emmy’s response was entirely non-verbal, but clearly she agreed with me. We made love for the first time since she’d come back into my life, and it was sweet, tender, and so, so very healing. Her body was far too skinny, but still, very, very lovely to me. I touched her, caressed her, kissed her all over, once again marveling at her satiny smooth skin, her soft gasps of pleasure, her familiar taste. In response, she clung to me like a drowning woman might cling to a lifeboat in a storm- with a fierce determination to hold on no matter what.