Unlimited Isekai and Other Unfortunate Magic

"Don't be ridiculous," Dumpich declared. "Dave is obviously a healer! Look he's got a freaking Vitalix on his shoulder!"

"Are you a necromancer?" Jimirr asked.

"No I am not," Dave replied squinting at the man.

"Satisfied?" Dumpich huffed. "Also, you're trailing off the malady related questions! This isn't what we agreed on, Jimirr!"

"I will be reporting this to the Watch," Jimirr said, crossing his arms.

"Whyyyy?" Dumpich whined.

"The Watch rewards five hundred silver to anyone finding a genuine necromancer," Jimirr explained.

"Whatever," Dumpich sighed. Seeing that Dave didn't look pleased about this development, he clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, bud, you're with us now! We absolutely won't let you rot in a cell. You're definitely a healer!"

"I believe we're getting off track here," Sylphaera interjected. "We were arguing whether Dave has an affliction or not, not whether he is a necromancer, which I believe is utter nonsense on the account that he's got a Green bonded to him. Jimirr, you're free to go. If you want to report whatever it is you suspect to the City Watch, that's your choice."

Dave watched as Seeker Jimirr departed with a frown.

The debate unfolded around him once again.

"Master Sylphaera, with all due respect," Dumpich argued. "What if Dave's Deathstrand affliction is something new, something we haven't encountered before?"

Terri, the green-antlered apprentice, nodded vigorously. "Exactly! Remember the Whispering Plague last year? Nobody believed it was real at first, and look how that turned out."

Sylphaera's face darkened at the memory. "That was different. We had physical symptoms to work with, not just a countdown in someone's head."

"But what if the countdown is the symptom?" A new voice chimed in. Dave turned to see an older man with stark white hair, long ears and piercing blue eyes approaching the table. He carried a thick, leather-bound book under his arm.

"Leon," Sylphaera acknowledged with a nod. "I suppose you're going to tell me I'm wrong too?"

Leon smiled, the wrinkles around his eyes deepening. "Not wrong, necessarily. Just... perhaps not considering all possibilities." He turned to Dave. "Mind if I try something?"

"Go ahead," Dave shrugged. "At this point, I'm willing to try anything."

Leon opened his book, revealing pages filled with detailed illustrations of plants and also samples of dry plants attached to what appeared to be some kind of magic hexagrams. He plucked a leaf from between the pages and held it out to Dave. "Chew on this for a moment, please."

Dave took the leaf, eyeing it suspiciously before popping it into his mouth. It tasted bitter and slightly metallic.

"Keep chewing, slowly now, don't swallow it," Leon said, his eyes never leaving Dave's face, his Vitalix glittering on his shoulder.

As Dave chewed the bitter leaf, he felt a strange tingling sensation spread through his body. Leon watched him intently, his blue eyes narrowed in concentration.

"Hrmmm," Leon muttered, stroking his chin. "Very interesting indeed."

Sylphaera rolled her eyes, her patience clearly wearing thin. "What's interesting, Leon? That my new apprentice can chew a leaf?"

Leon ignored her sarcasm, focusing on Dave. "Tell me, has anything changed in your status? Any alteration to this... DeathStrand of yours?"

Dave quickly checked his stats, hope flaring in his chest. But the countdown remained unchanged, still ticking away relentlessly. He shook his head, disappointment evident on his face.

"No change," he reported glumly. "Still just under two hours left."

Leon nodded thoughtfully. "As I suspected. The leaf I gave you is the rare Bloodinium Vlex found in the wilds outside of the city known for its ability to temporarily suspend most magical afflictions. The fact that it had no effect on your countdown suggests we're dealing with something... truly unusual."

Sylphaera threw up her hands in exasperation. "Or it suggests that there's nothing to suspend because there's no actual affliction!"

As their debate intensified, more healers began to gather around the table, drawn by the commotion. Dumpich stood up, his voice rising above the murmur of the crowd.

"Listen, everyone!" he called out, his violet eyes flashing with determination. "We can't just dismiss this! What if Dave is right? What if this DeathStrand is something new, something we've never encountered before? We have a responsibility as healers to investigate!"

A chorus of agreement rose from some of the younger apprentices, while the more experienced healers exchanged skeptical glances.

A few more Masters joined Dave's side, scanning Dave with their Kitlix, finding no maladies in him.

An elderly Healer with bark-like skin, a massive belly and silver moss growing in his beard slowly limped over where Dave was sitting, his rheumy eyes fixed on Dave.

"Boy," he rasped, "let me take a look at you. I've been a healer for more than 94 years! If there's a curse on you, I'll surely find it. All of you youngins, shoo off and let me work."

The other Healers parted, whispering to each other that Archmage Koradrii will surely find whatever the DeathStrand is.

Hope once again flared in Dave's chest as the old Healer hobbled around the table. A rather big Kitlix leapt from the Archmage along with an entire family of smaller ones that the elder was carrying on his back in a woven basket.

The man's gnarled hands hovered over Dave, his eyes closed in concentration as the Kitlix began to glow and pulse, running all around Dave's body and flashing all sorts of colors.

For several long minutes, the dining hall fell silent, all eyes on the unusual examination. Dave hardly dared to breathe, praying that this venerable Healer would find something, anything, that could explain the DeathStrand affliction.

Finally, the tree-man's eyes snapped open. He shook his head, disappointment etched in the deep lines of his face.

"Alas," Archmage Koradrii said, his tongue clicking. "I detect no curses, no unusual energies. There is some... magic-touched metal in your blood, but we can easily deal with that in a few days time by bringing in a metalmancer. Whatever this DeathStrand is, however, it's beyond my ability to perceive. Perhaps, it is as Healer Sylphaera says, just a hallucination or not a dangerous malady as you fear. Rest easy, my lad, for this is the safest place in Shandria for someone who is ill! We will not let you die so young, you are one of us now, Green apprentice Dave!"

"That's right Dave, even if this DeathStrand thing is real, you're in the best possible place for it. We've got healers here who can reattach limbs, cure century-old curses, and even bring people back from the brink of death. Whatever happens, we've got your back!" Apprentice Dumpich hugged Dave by his shoulders.

"Hear! Hear!" The other Healers cheered.

One of the Healers fished a black Kitlix from a metal pot and unceremoniously shoved her onto the logs. At the man's order, the Kitlix ignited with splatter of red flare-like stars at her horns and feet, radiating heat which set the logs on fire with a merry crackle.

As healers relaxed, chatting about things, Dave felt a warmth spreading through him that had nothing to do with the crackling fire. Despite the slave collar around his neck and the looming countdown, he found himself touched by the genuine concern and support expressed by Healer apprentices. Everyone here saw him as part of their clique, due to the level 34 Vitalix Kitlix snoozing on his shoulder.

A few Kitlix departed from their owners who had passed out on the benches, gathering atop of the fireplace, looking like crystalline, living Christmas decorations, watching the hall with wide, curious diamond-shaped pupils.

A jovial healer with bright blue skin and webbed fingers clapped Dave on the back. "Don't you worry, lad! I'm Healer Gills. Once nursed a fellow back to health after he'd been swallowed whole by a sea serpent. Whatever this DeathStrand is, we'll sort it out!"

"That's right," chimed in a petite healer with butterfly wing-like ears and a particularly pink nose. "I'm Healer Flitter, and I once cured a man who'd been turned inside out by a very nasty dungeon. We've seen it all here! Can't surprise us, nu-huh!"

As the evening progressed, more healers gathered around, sharing stories of their most bizarre and challenging cases. Someone produced a few boxes of bottles of sweet, amber-colored bubbling mead and a ton of wooden cups, and soon the atmosphere grew even more relaxed and jovial.

"So, Dave," Terri asked, "where are you from originally? You've got an interesting... Aura about you."

"What kind of Aura?" Dave asked. "How exactly are you seeing my Aura?

"Through my lovely Tori," Terri commented, petting her Kitlix. We're pretty well connected, her and I. "When I close my eyes and Tori looks at you, she shows me something dark and sparkly. Mysterious. Sort of like a shawl of green brilliant stars amidst the deepest ocean."

"Yeah," Apprentice Dumpich sat down on Dave's left closer to the fire. "Agreed. Mate, your Aura is legit the weirdest thing I've seen."

"It's not just the green stars of a talented healer," Terri blushed. "There's something else there behind the green, something I've never seen before."

Dave nodded, slightly worried of being declared a necromancer.

Leon stroked his white beard thoughtfully. "It's like... a void, but not in a bad way. More like a canvas waiting to be painted. Most Healers' auras are like green auroras, with other colors mixing in the background. But Dave's..." He trailed off, searching for the right words.

"Is originally unique!" Terri declared. "Super sharp! Brightest green over darkest black!"

"It's not black behind the green," Leon continued after a moment of sipping his mead. "It's more like... nothing, I think. The emptiness between spaces."

"Very poetic," Terri smiled. "I'm curious to see how it will grow."

Leon's eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh! It reminds me of the Void Lotus! You know, that rare flower that grows in the deepest, darkest caves about 33 clicks North from Shandria? Its petals are pure black, but when you look closely, you can see tiny pinpricks of light, like the stars cast by the fires of war in darkest hour. The Void Lotus helps patients with damaged souls, realigns connections between skills..."

As Leon continued to describe the magic properties of Void Lotus, Dave's gaze fell on the thick, leather-bound book the forty-some-year-old healer had with him.

"Leon," Dave interrupted gently, "would you mind if I looked at your plant book for a bit? I'd love to learn more about these flowers you're talking about."

"Oh yeah go right ahead," Leon smiled handing Dave his treasure. Dave began to flip through the book, with Leon pointing out the most rare and useful plants he collected.

"Great now we have two Verdomancy enthusiasts," Terri commented. "Also, someone forgot to answer my question. Where are you from, Dave?"

"Oh um," Dave looked up from Leon's book, hesitating for a moment before deciding honesty was the best policy with the Healers. "Well, actually, I'm... not from this world. I was summoned here just a few days ago... from Earth."

A hush fell over the group, followed by excited murmurs.

"A summoned human!" exclaimed Dumpich, his eyes wide with wonder. "By the tadpole's grandness! We've never had one of you in our ranks before!"

Terri clapped. "Oh, you must tell us about Earth!"

The questions came thick and fast after that, with the healers eager to learn about Earth and its marvels. Dave found himself explaining concepts like electricity, the internet, and even reality TV to his rapt audience.

"By her Divine Shadow," Leon murmured, "it sounds like quite a place. Do you have magical plants there too?"

"No magic plants alas," Dave replied. "Lots of plants that can heal people though."

"Do they have anything as marvelous as our Kitlix there?" Dumpich asked.

Dave shook his head, smiling as he flipped through the Verdomancy book. "No, I'm afraid Earth is sorely lacking in the magical creature department too."

. . .

As the night wore on, Dave felt his spirits lifting. The warmth of the fire, the white gothic hall, the sweetness of the strange mead-beer, and the genuine camaraderie of his fellow healers-in-training helped push the worry of the DeathStrand to the back of his mind.

"So," Leon asked as he finished describing another magical plant to Dave. "I believe that we might be missing a vital ingredient from our inquiry."

"Which is?" Dave asked.

"What do you believe is the exact source of the DeathStrand, Dave?"

Dave took a deep breath, the warmth of the mead giving him courage. He looked around at the circle of expectant faces, their eyes shining with curiosity in the firelight.

"Well," he began, his voice low, "it all started about twenty-three hours ago. I'd just returned from my first adventure outside the city walls, battered and broken after my fight with a felislice. That's when I ran into Cedez, a foxgirl who runs the Cambria Snail Cafe."

Dumpich opened his mouth and closed it.

Terri leaned in, her antlers catching the firelight. "A foxgirl? How intriguing!"

Dave nodded, a wry smile on his face. "Oh, she was intriguing alright. She knew things about me... things I hadn't told anyone."

"What kind of things?" Dumpich asked.

Dave hesitated, then decided to push forward. "She knew I was summoned. Knew my name, knew about my... special abilities. She even knew about a conversation I'd had with the guards at the city gate."

Leon's eyebrows shot up. "That does sound suspicious. What happened next?"

Dave's fingers tightened around his mug of mead as he continued. "She offered me a Quest. Said I needed to 'slay the dragon and free the princess.' When I asked for clarification, she just smiled and said it was open to interpretation."

"A dragon?" Terri asked.

"Not a literal dragon, I don't think," Dave explained. "She seemed to be referring to the dragon blacksmith at the lighthouse. As for the princess... well, I'm not sure who that's supposed to be. Maybe Cedez herself, maybe someone else."

Dumpich stroked his goatee thoughtfully. "And you accepted this... Quest?"

Dave nodded grimly. "I didn't have much choice. She made it clear that refusing wasn't an option. Then she offered me a 'freebie handshake' to help with the quest."

"A handshake?" Leon's brow furrowed. "What did that entail?"

"She said I could choose to amplify any aspect of myself," Dave explained. "She pulled her glove off and we shook hands."

Dumpich looked like he was trying very hard to suppress a laugh.

"And that's when the DeathStrand appeared?" Terri asked.

"Maybe," Dave nodded. "The moment our hands touched, there was this... jolt. Like electricity, but not painful. Then everything went weird for a moment, like the world was stretching and snapping back. When it was over, I tried to stand up but fell over. Master Sylphaera healed me and when I checked my stats it was there... the Deathstrand Affliction and this weird-ass countdown in my stats."

Dave's eyebrows shot up in surprise as Dumpich burst into sudden laughter. The other healers turned to look at the long-eared apprentice.

"What?" Dave asked.

Dumpich's laughter subsided to a chuckle as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh, mate," he said, shaking his head, "I'm pretty sure you've been had. I know Cedez quite well. Just had a latte at her cafe last week. Delightful girl, always full of mischief."

"You know her?" Dave sputtered, his mind reeling at the unexpected connection.

"Of course!" Dumpich exclaimed. He waved a hand dismissively at Terri and Leon. "The Cambria Snail Cafe is a favorite among some of us Healers who actually go out, unlike these two shut-ins."

Terri huffed indignantly, her antlers and blonde hair quivering. "I'll have you know I've been outside plenty of times!"

"Trips to the herb garden don't count," Leon quipped, earning a playful swat from Terri.

"The Snail Cafe generally parks at the Adventurers Gate," Dumpich clarified. "If you go through another gate, you won't see her."

"Uh-huh," Terri rolled her eyes. "I usually take the North gate. I stand corrected. I go out to see my dad working the fields there. My family are Agromancers with their own Agrilopod!"

Dumpich rolled his eyes at Terri and turned back to Dave. "I'd been working with a party of adventurers as their healer and dungeon diver before I decided to join Healers Hall on a permanent basis. Cedez's cafe was our go-to spot for pre-quest lattes and post-dungeon cake celebrations."

Dave's mind raced with questions. "So, you've interacted with her a lot? Did she ever mention anything about... Quests or magic handshakes?"

Dumpich stroked his goatee. "Quests? Oh, all the time. Cedez loves to send people on wild goose chases to find their fame and fortune. It's all in good fun, usually. But handshakes?" He shook his head. "That's a new one. I'm pretty sure she has haphephobia. I've never seen her take her gloves off. She must have seen something special in you to do that."

"What?" Dave blinked.

"Between you and me, I think our foxy barista might have taken a shine to you." Dumpich said with a wide smile. "She doesn't touch anyone with bare hands."

"Hang on, can anyone give out Quests?" Dave asked.

Healer Gills, his blue skin glistening in the firelight, let out a hearty laugh. "A Quest from a cafe maid? Oh, that's rich! Everyone knows only Highborn Lords or Guilds can issue Quests."

"But..." Dave started, only to be cut off by Flitter's tinkling giggle.

"Oh, honey," she said. "That's probably just a bit of illusionist magic. Truly talented illusionists can mess with a person's stats for a bit. I think that we've just solved your DeathStrand problem. We can't see it because Healers can't see personal-focused illusion magic. She probably had an associate cast it on your eye corneas."

Dumpich nodded vigorously. "Agreed! Cedez is only nineteen, I think. Sending you to slay a dragon? Classic flirting technique!"

"Why the timer though?" Dave asked.

"A memorable prank," Dumpich shrugged. "Being quirky is part of the Cafe Maid charm. People go to these Cafes for the experience of interacting with cute maids. When you're going out to face death and dismemberment a bit of a whimsical, surreal charm to distract your mind from such works great. She's taken it overboard because she likes you, obviously."

"In my day, we just wrote poetry, but times change, I suppose," Archmage Koradrii commented from his corner.

As more merry laughter rippled through the group, Dave felt the tight knot of anxiety in his chest begin to loosen. Could it really be just an elaborate joke?

"But it seems so real," he muttered, more to himself than anyone else. "I can see the Quest in my stats and everything."

Dumpich patted him on the shoulder. "Magic is like that. The stuff cast by a pro illusionist disperses after a day. Trust me, mate, if there was any real, deadly curse on you, we'd have found it by now. Cedez was obviously just having a bit of harmless fun with you. She's a nice girl from a lowborn family, if I recall correctly."

As the conversation about Cedez's prank continued, apprentice Dumpich leaned in towards Dave. "So, do you fancy her?" he asked with a mischievous grin. "You should give her a taste of her own medicine. A prank for a prank!"

Before Dave could respond, Leon interjected. "No, no, no! That's a terrible idea. Engaging in pranks will only encourage her further. Trust me, I've seen this sort of thing before. Best solution is to ignore her nonsense!"

The group of healers around Dave quickly split into factions, their voices rising in excited debate. Some began placing bets on whether Dave would successfully woo Cedez, while others wagered on his ability to rebuff her advances.

"Five copper says Dave'll be smitten within a week!" Dumpich yelled.

"Bah!" Leon retorted. "Ten copper says he will expertly give her the cold shoulder! Genuine Green Healers and plant appreciators like Dave are in short supply!"

Dave watched the increasingly rowdy scene.

He turned to the healer sitting close to them, an older woman with silver hair who seemed to be the most sober of the bunch. "Is this... normal?" he asked hesitantly. "Should we be worried about how much they're drinking?"

The silver-haired healer chuckled. "Oh, don't you fret, dear. Our Kitlix can cure anything, especially a bit of drunkenness. Watch this."

"Oi Apprentice Dumpich!"

"Yes, Master Alakash?" Dumpich rotated. He looked quite plastered, cheeks red and eyes wandering.

Healer Alakash put her Kitlix wrapped hand onto the head of her apprentice. With a flash of green radiance, Dumpich became instantly sober.

"Aw, Master, come on," he whined. "I just got drunk!"

"Your shift begins in an hour," Alakash pointed out.

"More than enough time," Dumpich waved his Master off.

Dave watched with amusement as Dumpich, now sober but clearly disgruntled, reached for another mug of mead. The apprentice healer tilted his head back, chugging the alcohol with impressive speed.

"Slow down there, Dumpich!" Dave called out. "You'll be needing another sobering spell at this rate!"

Dumpich wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, grinning broadly. "Can't help it, mate! Gotta make the most of my free time before my shift starts!"

The merriment was infectious, and Dave found himself relaxing fully for the first time since he'd arrived on Arx via an isekai spell. The warmth of the mead spread through his body, loosening his inhibitions. He took another swig from his own cup, savoring the flavor.

A group of apprentice healers, their eyes bright with curiosity, gathered around Dave. Terri, leaned in eagerly. "Dave, do the people of Earth... have songs? Could you sing us one?"

Dave felt a flush creep up his neck, partly from the mead and partly from sudden self-consciousness. "Oh, I don't know if I'm much of a singer..."

"Oh, come on!" Dumpich urged, his skin shimmering with violet sparks in the firelight. "We'd love to hear something from your world! Werth, right?"

"Earth," Dave said.

"Close enuff," Dumpich waved his pitcher.

Buoyed by their enthusiasm and the liquid courage coursing through his veins, Dave cleared his throat. "Alright, alright. Here's one we used to sing back home. It's called 'Wonderwall'."

As Dave launched into the familiar Oasis tune, backed only in his head by Sherlock's violin, his voice wavering slightly at first but growing stronger with each verse, he noticed the countdown in the corner of his vision ticking steadily downward towards inevitable zero. A small part of his mind registered this fact, but the warmth of the company and the haze of the mead pushed the concern to the background.

By the verse of:

"Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me"

Healy joined in, somehow catching onto the melody in Dave's head and loudly twinkling Sherlock's violin music out by wiggling her entire crystalline body.

The apprentices swayed to the unfamiliar melody, some attempting to hum along. As Dave finished the song, applause erupted around him.

"That was brilliant!" Terri exclaimed, her eyes shining. "What a strange and beautiful song!"

"Bravo!" Dumpich clapped, already looking twice as drunk and red-faced. "Damn, I've never seen a healer make their Kitlix sing along like that!"

"To everlasting friendships!" One of the scaled girls raised her mead cup, white and green robes flying to reveal slender legs.

"To Verdomancy!" Leon declared.

"To Healer Hall!" Dumpich roared from beside Dave. "May we heal a million maidens and bear many children before our stomachs bust! Ha ha har!"

"Hear! Hear!" The Healers began clanking their cups.

Dave raised his wooden cup high. "To everlasting friendships!" he called out, his voice ringing clear in the hall. "To Healer Hall!"

The room erupted in cheers as more healers and apprentices alike raised their cups. "Cheers, Apprentice Dave!" they chorused, the sound of clinking cups filling the air.

As Dave brought the cup to his lips, his eyes flickered to the countdown once more. With a jolt he noticed that it only had twenty seconds left on it.

"Don't worry about that dumb fox prankster, bud," Dumpich yelled into Dave's ear. "You're in the beating Heart of Shandria, the Hall of Healers, the best of the best, an Order of Compassion, a ring of green magi entwined by our Kitlix! Right ladies?"

"Right!" The apprentices giggled at his boasting.

"Terri, I dare you to kiss apprentice Dave!" Dumpich waved his cup.

"What?" The antlered girl sputtered.

"Come on! Look, he's obviously gonna expire tragically in... what?" Dumpich prodded Dave in the side. "You're a kiss-virgin right Dave? Ain't nobody gave you a smooch on Arx yet, right?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. Also, ten seconds," Dave replied with a frown, paying more attention to the countdown than anything. "Nine..."

Terri rolled her eyes and rose from her seat as Dave counted down. She smooched Dave's cheek to the approving roars and cheers of the other apprentices.

"One... zero," Dave counted, blushing furiously.

"See, and you were worried about..." Dumpich began.

In that instant, Dave felt a sudden, searing pain in his chest. His cup slipped from his fingers, clattering to the floor as mead spilled across the stones. The room around him began to drift away, voices of his new friends becoming distant and muffled.

He clutched at his chest, gasping for air that wouldn't come. Through the haze of panic, he saw the alarmed faces of the healers around him, their mouths moving in silent shouts.

As darkness began to creep in at the edges of his vision, Dave's last coherent thought was of the irony – surrounded by the most skilled healers in the realm, and yet he was clearly dying.

Then, with a final, painful lurch, the world folded in on itself, collapsing into nothing.