The Mad Rat’s Lab

“One, two, three, and four! And with this, I won! Hehehe!”

“This can’t be… and I was so sure I was going to win this time…”

“Hmm…”

Marta puts her hands on her head and complains. She’s as competitive as ever. Meanwhile, I impassively observe the game board in front of me.

It makes no sense. How can this be possible?

“Well, I at least got close to winning, unlike him. How can you be so pathetic, Andreu? Hahaha!”

“Hmmm…”

Yeah, it definitely makes no sense. How come Clara finished the game already and Marta has a single piece left, but all my pieces have yet to leave home? It makes no sense at all! Every time I managed to get a piece out, it was instantly killed! How can I be so unlucky?

“He-hey, Andreu! Are you fine? You look as if your soul left your body.” Clara shakes me to get a response from me. “Are you alive? Or did the shock kill you?”

“Hmmm…”

I continue to observe the game board without giving her a proper answer. I can’t understand. We’ve played three games! Not one, not two, but THREE! And not only did Clara win all of them, but I still have to reach the end with a single one of my pieces!

It makes no sense!

How can she be so lucky? Every single time I managed to get one of my pieces into the board, it was killed the next turn by Clara! There must be something behind it, it can’t be all because of luck.

Yeah… I’m sure of it. She must be cheating. It makes no sense otherwise.

But how? I didn’t see anything wrong with her actions. I even asked her to swap our dice between each game, switched seats and colors, and prayed to god… but nothing worked.

I alternate between staring at Clara’s face and the board for a while. I then pick the dice she was using and roll them. It’s two ones.

“Nooo…! It makes no senseeee…!”

“A-are you okay, Andreu?”

“...”

Clara’s shaking intensifies, but I continue to ignore her. It isn’t until Marta pulls her off me that the shaking stops.

“Leave him be. Sooner or later, he will return to normal. Like a cockroach, it’s extremely difficult to get rid of him.”

‘Hey! There was no need to say this!’ I internally shout, momentarily distracted by her words. But I quickly return to the important matter at hand: how could I lose so pathetically at one of the simplest games ever conceived?

Parchís, Ludo, Uckers… however you want to call it, this game for four players, each one playing as one of the usual green, red, blue, or yellow colors, is a game every kid has played at least once in their lives. A game that requires little skill, most of it relying on luck.

So, the question is… why did I lose so pathetically? And not one, but three consecutive times!?

“...there must be some conspiracy… I must find why… huhu, hahaha…”

“Come, Clara. Let’s leave him alone for now, he’s lost it. We should continue cleaning up.”

“Alright.”

Leaving me to my delusions, they pick up a broom and a rag and continue what we started this morning: cleaning the house.

So… weren’t we playing until now? Why do I say we were cleaning, then, you ask? The answer is an extremely easy one. We were cleaning, until we found this old game we played when we were kids. As you might expect, the only reasonable thing we could do at that moment was to start playing to reminisce the old days, leaving all the work ‘for later’.

But I wasn’t like this back then! I never lost so pathetically when we were kids! Clara indeed tended to win, taking advantage of the continuous fights between Marta and me, but I never lost so pathetically!

There must be something else at work.

Is it karmic retribution? But what did I do to anger the gods?

Actually… I can think of a few things. But do they deserve such a punishment? It isn’t like I go around killing random children and eating their guts or anything similar.

“Alright, let’s forget about this…” I slap my cheeks hard, forcing myself to stop thinking. I then pick up another broom and resume cleaning.

What board game? What are you talking about? I’ve been cleaning the whole time. There’s absolutely no chance I’d ever stop working to play a game. Who did you take me for, huh?

 

“So… are you going to participate in next week’s Mystery Event?” I ask after a while of cleaning. “Since we’re in the summer break, I was planning on participating.”

“Yes! Let’s participate together, Andreu! You and me…! Ah! Um… Marta can join too if she wants, of course, hehe.” She sticks her tongue out and corrects her verbal slip.

I raise one eyebrow. “I’m sure you know this, but the rules won’t be disclosed until the same day. There’s a high chance we won’t be able to participate together, you know?”

“I… It’s fine! You just need to play with me if the opportunity arises.”

“Sure… why not…” I make a laugh dry while stroking her head. This is usually the fastest way to calm her down when she gets too excited.

Observing us, Marta smiles with her mouth but not with her eyes. Her lip slightly trembles. Is it just me, or does it look like she’s about to slam the broom on my head?

“For once, he’s right.” Of course, I’m right. I’m always right. “It isn’t clear if you’d be able to participate together or not, so you shouldn’t get too excited about it. Furthermore…I can’t participate. I have other stuff to do that day.”

She finishes her sentence by looking away from us. Um… Is that regret I see written on her face?

I walk to her and pat her head in a similar way I do to Clara. “Don’t think too much about it. We’ll be able to play together another day. Hahaha, I never thought you’d react like Clara when it comes to this kind of stuff… Are you missing me that much? Hahaha!”

“M-missing who!? Also, don’t touch me without warning!”

*Bam!*

“Ouch…!” Yep. I was right. That broom was aimed at my head. “Hey! Why did you do that!?”

“Uh, ah…! Are you okay?” She panics. “I-I’m sorry!” Marta runs away with her face beet red.

Did she run away? Like this? Why? It was me who got hurt! Well, she hit with the hollow tube, so it made a loud sound but there was no strength behind it. But in any case, if somebody were to run away, it should be me and not her.

…I don’t think I’ll ever understand her…

No, wait a moment. Didn’t she just run away in the middle of cleaning? Don’t we have to do her part now, too? I was going to complain and act like it hurt a lot so I could skip it, but now… I mustn’t get extra work, so solving this comes first. Crying can come later.

“H-hey! Marta! I forgive you, okay? It didn’t hurt at all. Now, come back and help us finish this!”

I shout, but there’s no response, so I shrug. Clara exchanges a look with me.

“I’m going to check on her. It isn’t normal for her to act like that…”

“Uh, sure…” I nod. “Do whatever you please.” I’m as surprised as she is, after all.

Clara leaves the room, running after Marta. But then I realize a crucial fact. Didn’t she leave all the work to me? Now I’m the only one remaining.

I take a look around in hopes of finding… I don’t know. A phantom? Someone who could help me. But, obviously, there’s nobody.

“Not you too…” I want to cry when I look at the unfinished work. “Shit.”

Aaagh, here goes my plan to finish with this early so I could spend the rest of the afternoon playing DMA. Even if I wait for them to come back so I don’t have to do everything by myself, who knows how long they’ll take? I might as well get going so I’ll have some time even if they don’t come back.

If I had known this would happen, I wouldn’t have suggested playing the three games before. We should have stuck to cleaning first.

*Sigh*

There’s no use in regretting past decisions, so I resume cleaning.

 

---

 

“Aah, yes. This is life…!”

Comfortably sitting on my usual chair, I scroll through the DMA menu while watching several concurrent players invade my dungeon. In particular, I chose those that were struggling the most.

“Ahaha, look at that guy. He’s trying my abyss-proved technique of ‘not looking where you go’! Too bad for him it’s useless in my dungeon, as most of the monsters don’t care if you’re looking at them or not when they try to kill you.”

How can he be so stupid? Maybe he’s a new player? But it still makes no sense…

A message sound interrupts my thoughts. When I read it, it turns out it’s Ricard. He’s asking me if I want to play with him to train for the incoming Mystery Event. I’m not against it, but I’d like to enjoy this for a while longer, so I send him a message saying that I’ll do so tomorrow and continue watching the show.

“Oh my god. Is that one serious? Who in their sane mind would run towards a Stitched, hug it, and start kissing it!?”

Uugh! I tremble in repulsion at the sight, so I quickly turn that display off, making one of the screens turn black.

“Argh,” I shiver, “I might have nightmares about this… What the hell is wrong with that player!?”

I could understand if it was the Sexy Secretary. I maybe could understand if the player had some weird kink that made it like some of my hybrids…

…But a Stitched? A STITCHED of all things!?

Objectively speaking, one of the most disgusting mobs in the whole game, more disgusting than zombies because, while zombies are created from a rotting dead body, they’re at least made from a single dead body unlike the Stitched, which are made from several dead bodies mashed together. And he went and KISSED it!?

“I need something to forget about what I just saw…”

Right on time, I notice that the number of players inside my dungeon, aka the number of instances created, suddenly skyrockets. 

“Huh? What’s going on?” I quickly open one of them randomly, hoping to forget about the disgusting image. “Um… but why do I have a bad feeling about this?”

One of the black screens turns on, displaying the image of the invaders. I turn on the sound and listen to what they say.

“You must be glad, apprentices. You’ve got the wonderful chance to come with me to His dungeon accompanied by none other than His 3rd Apostle!”

This way of talking... the shining eyes, madness hidden behind them… plus 3rd Apostle…

It can’t be, right?

“Today’s session will work as your initiation as well as training for the incoming Mystery Event. If you’re lucky, you might even catch His attention and be acknowledged with the title of Apostle by none other than Himself! Oh, please, Great Mad Rat! Bless me and these initiates with the greatest despair! For all shall despair! Fufufu! Hahaha!”

“All shall despair! All shall despair!”

I don’t know you! It’s the first time I see your name or your face! Why are you proclaiming yourself as an Apostle if I didn’t know you existed!?

No, stop, Andreu!

What am I doing, going with the flow and acknowledging I have anything to do with them? It’s all their delusions! I never did anything to deserve their crazy adoration. I never acknowledged their cult, nor did I ever teach anything to any of them!

“...”

Suddenly, two flashes of memories come to me. The first is from the first tournament we participated. During the match with the madmen, I acted like I was the teacher of one of them so I could survive. The second is the construction of my statue in their underground cathedral.

“I did…” I gulp, “...I did… give them my acknowledgment in the two…”

Did I bring this upon myself? No way…

In denial, I turn off the reproduction and switch to another of the newcomers. But regardless of how many times I switch, I can only hear the same three words:

“All shall despair!”

“All shall despair! All shall despair!”

“All shall despair!”

“What the fuck are they doing, coming in droves into my dungeon and spouting nonsense like that!?”

After a shout, I turn off all the screens. I then open back the first one I closed, where the same guy is now kissing that Stitched. The only difference is that the Stitched is now dead.

“Ah, yes… this is it… this is what I was looking for...”

I can feel my sanity slowly recovering.

“Like every previous Mystery Event that DMA created, the rules weren’t revealed until right before the competition started. This was to ensure the mystery but also to make sure that players couldn’t prepare for it. This was the only way to make sure everyone would start on equal footing.”