The Mad Rat’s Lab

‘Huh, huh, huh! I’m such a genius!’ I internally chuckle while maintaining a serious expression.

Thanks to my plan, I didn’t have to do anything after entering the recently added greenhouse. Mhah saved me some trouble by asking to go first, so I had the perfect excuse to stay in the middle of the formation, the safest position in any formation. And when the Pixies showed up, I just had to cross my arms and put on an indifferent face and they understood I was leaving everything to them.

I don’t need to find any excuse, they’ll do everything and I just need to reap the benefits! Huh, huh, huh!

But not having to worry about the new monsters doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do my job. I pay attention to the ongoing fight, checking and analyzing how Mhah, Krut, and Diq fight. After this dungeon invasion ends I’ll advise them on how to improve.

Let’s face it, the odds we’ll survive this new area are slim.

The end of this epic adventure is near. The first adventure where I managed to kill not one but two of the most difficult monsters in this damn dungeon is coming to a close.

And we were so close to the Minitaur Queen and Overgorger…! I could have achieved a full clear today if not for Mhah’s stupid actions. He threw away the only chance I ever got to recover my orc pride and pay back the Evil Mastermind for everything he has done to me.

…after this, I’ll kick him from the group, huh, huh, huh.

Talking about him, Mhah is swinging his double axes with passion and dexterity. It shows he’s the kid with the most experience in this game, but even though he has even more experience than me, he doesn’t understand the basics of combat. He recklessly rushes ahead and ends up isolated and surrounded.

I’ve tried to teach him how to play, but he doesn’t listen. He doesn’t listen at all. Not to my advice, not to my warnings… and worse, not to my orders. I can’t stand the sight of his stupid, albeit handsome, orc face.

Orc players don’t betray their sworn brothers during battle, nor do they abandon each other during battle. That’s why I’m not kicking him yet.

‘But when we go back, it’ll be time to settle some grudges, huh, huh, huh!’

My muscles, griefing at the not-yet discernable but sure-to-come defeat, start tingling in excitement. I’ll have the last laugh, Mhah!

Contrary to Mhah, who only brings me disappointment, there’s Krut, who is steadily improving. He’s fighting right next to Diq, protecting him from the swarm of Pixies.

Krut still has a lot to learn. His attacks are clumsy, his positioning isn’t the best, and he hasn’t learned yet how to pace his EP and MP usage… but he LISTENS to me. I don’t think it’ll take long for him to surpass Mhah at this rate.

I’m surprised he isn’t afraid of Diq’s self-destructive Goblin Magic, though. I wouldn’t want to stay so close to him. Not when he could bring me down with him at any moment.

What I didn’t expect was that Diq would transform like this when he started using Goblin Magic. He went from his usual scaredy-cat behavior to pyromaniac-crazy in such a short lapse of time that I’m surprised.

During the dungeon invasion, I’ve seen a lot of him running away from the enemies. I didn’t have high hopes for him. But now, I have to reconsider it. Diq might have a brighter future than I first thought.

Is it because he’s playing as a goblin? It isn’t the first time I’ve seen a goblin player act like this. They tend to be scared of everything until they suddenly go batshit crazy and start blowing everything up.

‘Is it the thrill of not knowing when you’re going to blow yourself up…?’ I mentally shrug. I guess I’ll never know.

But it sure is nice to have everything done for you. While I observe the swarm of Pixies, some the regular size and some of them the size of a thumb, I shudder at the thought of having to face them by myself. Their small size makes it really hard to hit with my battleaxe, and their ridiculous numbers make it even worse. Their thorn attacks don’t deal a lot of damage, but when they come from lots of them, the damage quickly adds up.

“Good job, everyone, huh, huh, huh! Continue like this and you’ll be alright.”

I cheer them up while walking away. I don’t want to be near Diq when he inevitably blows up.

“Eeeeepic Firebaaaaaall!” *Boooom!* And right on time, because half of Diq’s and Krut’s HP bars disappear like this. “Aaah, uh… I-I’m dying… Sir Orc, save us…”

“Nah, you’ll be fine, don’t worry. Just stop using Goblin Magic for now.”

I continue walking away just in case it happens again. Since I haven’t attacked them at all, the swarming Pixies are more of a nuisance than an actual danger: they focus all their attacks on the kids, leaving me alone.

I stand against the trunk of a nearby tree and suspire. The Pixies can’t be all the dangers in this place, there must be something more. But what could it be?

“Hya– What the fuck?”

Suddenly, a Pixie appears right next to my head and attacks me. I thought it was a leaf! Thank god I stopped myself from making a pathetic scream. It’d have been too shameful with the kids right next to me.

“Scram! Leave me alone!” I swing my axe at it. It makes a popping sound and explodes into tinier pixies. “Fuck this shit!”

Aaaagh! I hate this kind of annoying stuff so much! Bring me a strong monster or two and leave the weak and tricky monsters for someone else. I can’t get excited against such pathetic monsters!

Without any options left, I’m forced to engage the group of about ten tiny Pixies. I swing my battleaxe at them, but like flies, they’re so small and move so erratically that they’re very hard to hit. It’s worse than it should be because I don’t have any Area of Effect skills.

“Shit! Can you fucking die already!?” My HP bar slowly trickles down with their attacks.

I must write about this in my guide later on… About how annoying they are, and that you must bring mosquito repellent or AoE attacks when coming to the greenhouse.

‘Argh! Leave me alone and focus on the kids!’ I want to shout.

Aren’t they more annoying than the Goblimps…? Hmm… no. The Goblimps are worse. Because you can find them everywhere.

Fucking Goblimps! How much I wish they’d simply disappear!

 

---

 

It takes about twenty minutes for the kids to fully clear the swarm of Pixies since they first appeared. Meanwhile, I’ve been relaxing and observing them.

“Huh, huh, huh. It feels great when everything goes as planned…” Let’s forget about the one Pixie who surprised me and how long it took for me to kill the tiny ones. “...but now, it’s time to move forward. I wonder what we’ll find next.”

I don’t look forward to it, but I can’t say I’m not curious. After all, it’s important to fill my guide. Furthermore, today I have the kids to deal with anything that’s too bothersome.

*Clap, clap, clap!* I clap to get their attention. Let’s pretend I know what’s going on. “Good job everyone, you managed to survive the pixie swarm. I commend your strength, huh, huh, huh!”

When I scan them, I find all their HP bars at about 1/4th of their maximum. I’m sure their EP and MP are almost exhausted too. Especially Diq, who went a little bit overboard with his Goblin Magic. From the support mobs, the only one who remains alive it’s the Troll, and only because it has the Regeneration skill.

Heh… That’s a battle of attrition if I’ve ever seen one.

Now it’s time to give them the feedback. I put on a stern tone.

“I must say, though, that I’m surprised you didn’t die. Did you think I’d save you if you required it? I told you I wouldn’t help you from now on.” That’s a lie. I’m not ready to abandon my sacrificial subjects yet. If they were in danger I’d try to save them, but they don’t need to know this.

Their expressions turn sour. Diq lowers his head in shame.

“How do you plan to improve without teamwork? Every single one of you was doing what thought was best without communicating with the rest.”

“Yeah, it’s because you were casting spells with Goblin Magic that we couldn’t work as a team. If you had helped me–”

“Shut up, Mhah. You were the worst one.” I cut him. “You were so reckless that you went in alone and allowed them to completely surround you. How would you have survived if you were against stronger monsters, huh?”

“That’s not my fault–”

“I said shut up.” I then turn to our goblin brother. “And Diq. Why did you use Goblin Magic? Didn’t you realize they were so weak they’d die without the damage boost?”

“B-but sir Orc, they were hiding behind the trees… I-I had to, um, f-f-find a way to hit them…” He has regressed to his usual scared behavior after the fight.

“Then you should pick up a spell for these situations instead of using Fireball all the time.”

The first one that comes to mind is the Chain Lightning, but I’d rather have him pick something else if possible. Because it’s the spell he always uses.

I do my best to stop the shiver running down my spine from betraying my inner thoughts. To distract me and the kids, I turn to Krut. “And Krut… you were at least trying to protect Diq during this fight, but… Was there really a need to do so? The Pixies were weak, they posed no real danger. Plus Diq was using his Goblin Magic, putting himself and you, since you were so close, in danger. If a situation like this happens again, you should–”

The ground starts shaking, interrupting me. Something huge is approaching from the side, making the ground and the surrounding vegetation crumble under its strength.

“W-what’s going on, sir Orc? W-what’s t-this?”

I maintain a neutral expression to pretend to know, but I’m as surprised as he is.

Did we spend so much time with the Pixies that we got the attention of this area’s boss? That’s weird. So far, the Evil Mastermind has never added the boss of the areas he creates until some time has passed since he added them.

My muscles start twitching in excitement. The incoming monster must be huge, and surely very strong. I want to fight it! Maybe this new area exploration wasn’t as bad as I thought.

“Huh, huh, huh! So you’ve shown yourself, huh?” I continue the farce of knowing what’s going on. “Come! Let’s have a match! Huh, huh, huh!”

I grip my axe with strength, put on a serious expression, and walk in front of the group.

“B-but sir Orc, didn’t you tell us you’d leave e-e-everything to us?”

“Yeah… I was hoping to show my skills against a strong opponent like that one…”

“Shut up.” Before Diq or Mhah can say something I can’t argue against, I cut them. “This isn’t a monster you can deal with. Stand behind me.” I start grinning.

My excitement grows exponentially as the shaking grows closer. But before the monster shows up, it stops right outside our view.

There’s a short pause where the only things that can be heard are Diq’s quivering legs and Krut’s rough breath.

Swift like a snake, a gigantic mouth, big enough to swallow the four of us and the Troll at the same time, shoots out of the vegetation in my direction. I react by instinct, shoving my body to the ground and using the battleaxe to force it upwards, passing under the mouth.

The monster bites the ground. If this weren’t a game, it would have left a crater. Wow, that was close! I could have died before the combat started.

The monster retreats its head and stares at me with its vertically slit orange eyes. It looks angry.

*Rooaaar!*

The ground splits when the monster roars. Fire bursts through the gap. Like meteors, fragments of melted rock fall from the sky, incinerating everything they touch. But when they touch the monster's skin, it releases a reddish glow, and most of the damage is prevented.

“U-uaah! W-we’re in danger!”

“Tsk! It’s stronger than I thought…”

“...”

The three kids struggle to avoid the incoming projectiles. Assuming I can defeat this monster, I’ll need them as sacrificial pawns for later, so I can’t let them die like this.

“Run, you fools!” I shout. “And don’t expect me to come back from this! Huh, huh, huh!”

Leave me alone and allow me to enjoy this fight. I want to discover by myself how strong this monster is, and I don’t want you to see my defeat in case I die.

“Bring it on! Let’s have some fun! Huh, huh, huh!”

As if in response to my taunting, two more heads, identical to the first one, show up. They glare at me with their orange eyes. As usual, taunting the Evil Mastermind or his creations isn’t a good idea, but I don’t mind it this time. This time, it’ll make this fight more enjoyable.

“Huh, huh, huh!”

 

“You MUST bring AoE skills with you if you’re going into this dungeon. Or else, when you encounter the pixies inside the greenhouse, and believe me when I say you WILL encounter them, you’ll suffer more than you can imagine.

‘Pixies are weak and aren’t dangerous.’

Hah! You’re ST***D! Have you ever thought how it’d feel to be attacked by a swarm of bees? THERE’S NO NEED TO KEEP GUESSING! Go find some pixies, and you’ll find out!”

- Extract from the Chapter ‘Unexpected dangers’ from ‘How to Stay Sane in The Mad Rat’s Lab’.