The Mad Rat’s Lab

“Welcome to…” I take a small pause to give it suspense. I then make a flexing pose before continuing. “…the Green Gang!”

“Green gang!”

I prickle my ear. “Did you say anything? Say it louder! Put more enthusiasm into it!”

““GREEN GANG!””

This time, they shouted loudly enough to deafen me, as I wanted. They also took beautiful poses, showing off their muscles.

“Better, huh, huh, huh.”

This is great. Today I’m sure it’ll be a great day, huh, huh, huh. I feel it on my muscles. Today’s the day I’ll achieve everything I’ve been looking forward to. I’m sure of it.

I wait for them to return to their normal postures before continuing. “Brothers, today is a great day. The day we’re creating our Green Gang. After planning for so long, I, your leader, will surely teach you how to fight. How to survive. How to shine and show your orc pride to everyone! Huh, huh, huh!”

“Yeaaaaah!”

“You’re the best, ImAnOrc!”

“Umm…” The third player, a skinny goblin, timidly raises his hand. “... I’m not an orc… Ugh!”

“Huh, huh, huh!” He hunches over when I pat her back. Did I put too much force into it? “Don’t worry, um… what was your name again…?”

“M-Miuzcogdiq, sir. It’s Miuzcogdiq. I know it’s hard to remember, but I like it a lot… hahaha…”

I watch as he scratches his head. “But it’s too long and hard to pronounce so from now on, I’ll call you… Diq. Yes, Diq sounds good.”

“Wow…! I got a nickname from the great ImAnOrc. I’m so happy… Thank you very much!” He looks at me with sparkling eyes.

I don’t think it’s such a great nickname, Diq is just the end of his real player name… Well, as long as he’s happy, it doesn’t matter.

“Huh, huh, huh! You’re welcome, Diq.” I chuckle at the envious gazes the two other players Krut and Mhah, who do use an orc Champion, send him.

Diq, Krut, and Mhah are the first three players who applied to join the Green Gang, a group created to learn how to play better. The main objective is to learn combat tricks and skills while delving into the most treacherous and difficult dungeon I’ve ever delved into: The Mad Rat’s Lab. I’ll show them around, teach them everything I know, and when they go back, they’ll spread the word of how amazing and strong I am!

It’s the perfect plan. I’m a genius, huh, huh, huh!

I calmly assess my new brothers.

The first one, Krut, uses a Chief as his champion, the same as me. He also looks similar to my champion, maybe because he got inspired by me. Though I’m more handsome. As for the support units he brought with him, there are two Goblin archers and two orc Hunters. He knows the basics well.

The other orc, Mhah, uses a more advanced orc champion, the Warlord. He must have a higher player level than me because I haven’t unlocked them yet. The main difference between our champions, other than the stats, is the body tattoos covering his whole body. As for his support mobs, he only brought one Troll with him.

I was surprised when I first saw him, as I expected everyone to have a lower level than me, but it turns out he’s one of my fans. He admires my courage and perseverance and wants to learn from my battle experience.

I don’t want to brag, but I’m the one who has come to this damn dungeon the most times without losing his sanity in the process.

The last one, the Goblin Shaman Diq, is the single mage of our entire group. He brings two Chief bodyguards with him, a formation I’ve seen other players adopt quite a lot of times. And trust me when I say that a goblin mage needs protection. If they don’t blow themselves up, they’re the first to die when an enemy gets close to them.

Though, in my opinion, it’s a shame he won't be able to feel the joys of melee combat.

The exhilaration produced by swinging a weapon around and watching the enemies’ cries as you plow through hordes of them!

The adrenaline rush that comes when you fight a monster that’s twice your size in close quarters!

It’s a shame, but I respect him regardless. He chose the best faction, the Savage Horde. If only for the fact that it’s the faction with the fewer and the worst ranged options, he deserves praise. Also, he’ll be able to enjoy the battle together with his sworn brothers; something most players will never be able to do! Huh, huh, huh!

“Alright! Everyone, let’s go!”

My three new brothers eagerly follow after me.

 

---

 

“Krut! Evade, then attack. Don’t try to do both at the same time.” I shake my head, watching Krut fighting against the first laser turtle we’ve found. “Don’t let it take the lead, you’re the one who has to make it move as you wish. Step to the right! Now, strike!”

I give instructions and he does his best to follow them. Thanks to me, he evades the turtle’s bite and attacks in retaliation.

“Good job. Now, hide behind a rock.”

“W-what? Hide, why?”

“Just do it!” I glare at him. “Why are you questioning me?”

“Okay, I’m–”

Before Krut can finish his sentence, a light beam comes from who knows where landing squarely on his chest. His HP bar takes a large hit because of it.

“See? This is why I told you to hide behind a rock. If I tell you to do something, you do it, alright? No questions asked!”

“A-alright…” He lowers his head, ashamed of his blunder.

“What are you doing? Are you a fool? Always keep an eye on the enemy!” My warning reaches him too late. The turtle bites his arm and another chunk of his HP disappears. “Man… these noob players… I’m ashamed of being from the same faction… huh, huh, huh.” I shake my head.

The trick to fight against the turtle’s beams is to take into account that they consume a lot of their MP: they can’t use them continuously.

It doesn’t seem like that because the rate at which they spend their MP is higher when you’re close; but when a turtle detects your presence and fires at you from the other side of the cave, it only fires one time before coming in your direction. It only uses its light beam again when it gets closer. If you know how long it has been since they fired the first light beam, you’ll have an idea of when and when the others will come.

And talking about other turtles coming here… That was the second beam, so it means that there’s one close by. “Mhah, get ready. I’ll be your turn soon.”

“Alright! I’ll do my best!”

Mhah smacks his chest with pride. I have high expectations of him because he has been playing the game for a lot longer than Krut.

“Remember to follow everything I said and it’ll be fine.” I kindly remind him.

Then, I turn to the last remaining member of the Green Gang: Diq. He’s watching everything with glittering eyes, itching for some action. But I have bad news for him.

“Diq, you won’t fight against the turtles.”

Diq furrows his brows and asks, pinching his scrawny arm. “Why? Is it because I’m weak?”

“Huh, huh, huh! No, this isn’t why.” I shake my head. Why do most players only think about being strong or weak? “It isn’t because you’re weak, it’s a problem of compatibility.”

“Compatibility?”

“Yes, compatibility. You might not know this, but the turtles can reflect your magic attacks if you’re unlucky. You we wouldn’t want you to die to your own spells, right?” There’s no need to tempt our luck by adding even more variables to the already unreliable Goblin Magic. “So unless I say otherwise, stay here and wait for the others to defeat the turtles.”

He fidgets. “B-but… but I want to do something too!”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk…! Diq!” He jumps in fright at my sudden shout. “Didn’t you learn this when you read my guide? Lesson number one: pick the fights you can win.”

“A-ah! Right! I-I remember!”

“Good for you.” I pat his back. “Of course, there are times when you must disregard everything for your orc pride… goblin pride in your case, I suppose. But otherwise, you have to choose the fights you can win and run from those you can’t. What good is it to die miserably when you could have easily avoided that shame? Survive, grow stronger, and then come back for a rematch! This is how to grow strong! Huh, huh, huh!”

Diq nods enthusiastically. “Yes! I’ll do my best.”

“Just wait for when we’re fighting against multiple enemies, I’m sure you’ll have the chance to shine then.”

I leave the excited Diq to his own devices and look at Krut just in time to see him take another light beam. Ups, my bad. I should have told him to hide before it happened. Well, I can always give him an excuse if he asks why I didn’t warn him in time.

The culprit behind that attack is popping its head from behind a giant mushroom. “Mhah, go get that turtle before it kills Krut, will you?”

“Sure thing. I’m going.”

He might be the most reliable of the three.

 

---

 

I was wrong.

“What did I tell you?” I stomp my feet in anger in a rhythmic fashion.

“To not read that plaque aloud.”

“And what did you do?”

“I… I read it aloud…”

“Right. Why the fuck did you read that aloud, Mhah? Didn’t you learn it from my guide? Inside this dungeon, never touch, read, or even watch anything that catches your attention. So why did you read that plaque, even after I expressly told you to not do it!?”

Prostrated in front of me, Mhah’s eyes swim around, trying to find a way to appease me. “Uh, I… I thought you were exaggerating…”

“Exaggerating…?” I raise one eyebrow and wave my head around. “Does this look like an exaggeration to you?”

He follows my gesture with his eyes, then lowers his head again. “No, it doesn’t.”

The ground around us is littered with corpses. Most of them are enemies, but there’s one that has green skin.

If you’re wondering what happened… well, let’s say Mhah had the great idea to read the text aloud, awakening the secret boss of this cave area, after I told him to not read it.

As a result, we had to fight that boss and its aids, as they had us surrounded. One of Krut’s goblins died, and the Troll, the one who took the brunt of the add’s attacks, took a severe amount of damage. It’ll be ok thanks to his Regeneration skill, but it’ll soon run out of EP at this rate.

If not because I kept the boss occupied, I’m sure everyone would have died, starting with our weakest brother, the Goblin Shaman Diq.

“Hah… let’s forget about it, ok? Just don’t do it ever again, Mhah. Understood?”

“Y-yes! I’ll listen to everything you say from now on.”

They have so much to learn… I shake my head. But this is what keeps things interesting.

“By the way.” I turn to our goblin mage. “Good job, Diq. See? I was right. Huh, huh, huh! The right person for the right job. It’s thanks to your spells that we took so little damage. Your area attacks were incredibly useful against the adds.”

“Yes! I did my best! Thank you very much for your praise!”

Diq starts skipping around, making a happy face because I praised him. Which, given his lower stature and skinny body, makes me feel like I’m watching a kid.

“Alright, kids. Let’s go! More dangers and fights await us!”

“...why are you calling us kids?” Diq stops jumping around and looks at me with his furrowed brows.

“Because you’re like kids to me. Why else? Huh, huh, huh!” I laugh, ruffling his head.

Maybe they’re actual kids? I have no idea because the only thing I know about them are their nicknames. However, it wouldn’t surprise me, given their reactions.

 

Green Gang, the first time the writer of the famous ‘How to Stay Sane in The Mad Rat’s Lab’ guide decided to coach other players to improve their skills. It was the starting point of his fame, which continued to grow along said dungeon. Players started to regard him as an amazing player… until they read his guide and found out about his ‘writing style’.

What most of his students didn’t know, though, was that he had another purpose for training them. A not-so-harmless purpose. But this is a story for another time.

…Or is it?