The Mad Rat’s Lab

“I can’t die like this! I must find a way out!” I desperately look around for anything I can use to escape my current predicament. “There’s… nothing…” I lower my head in defeat.

The thing about traps is that their cost depends on their effects and how hard they are to evade. For example, a trap like the Falling Corpse one, which deals a little damage to a single unit, is very cheap because it’s easy to evade and the damage it deals isn’t great. This is why instant death traps tend to be extremely expensive.

But… it doesn’t apply to all of them.

Right now, I’m inside a room with a Falling Ceiling trap. Since the time it takes to crush you is very long, its cost is reduced. Also, the room has no door, so nothing prevents you from leaving it and avoiding the trap altogether. In short, this trap, even if it’s an instant death one, is cheap because it’s effortless to avoid.

Unless you’re asleep and can’t move at all, that is. Like I am.

“I must find a way to snap out of the sleep… any damage will do. Good Follower, hit me with a basic attack!”

As expected, my minion doesn’t follow my orders. I’m in the phantasmal form, nobody can hear me right now.

“It’s useless. Am I going to die like this? Such a pathetic death…”

If I can’t break the sleep by taking damage, there’s only one other way I can think of to save myself: to kill the one who put me to sleep. As soon as the owl dies, the spell will break and I’ll be free to run away from this room!

The problem is…

I observe Usufet. It’s liking his hand like a cat would. I modified its AI to avoid combat as much as possible, to prevent it from wasting its extra lives. There’s no way it’ll attack the owl.

Then I turn to my other minion, the Good Follower. Since I generally set it to ‘guard’ mode, it won’t attack the enemy first. Unless I give the order, it takes damage or the enemy gets too close, it’ll stay behind me, too far from the owl to start combat.

“Haaa… I can only wait until I get crushed, or surrender befor– eeeh?” A surprised exclamation leaves my mouth when the Good Follower takes a step to the side.

What’s going on? Why did it move? It should stay still until I move again…

I observe it as it takes a second, and then a third, step to the side, circling my sleeping Champion. “Wait, it can’t be, can it…? This shouldn’t happen, unless…”

Did its AI break? No, no. It’s keeping the usual distance from my Champion. Then, I can only think of one possibility. “Did it lose the sense of direction since I’m on the floor? Maybe, the AI isn’t sure which is the ‘back’, so it started walking around me?”

The Good Follower makes another step to the side, slowly getting closer to the owl. But then, it steps in the opposite direction. 

“No! Keep going, don’t go back!”

My minion keeps moving forward and backward as it takes steps to the side in random directions, as if bugged.

This can be good! I might be able to survive!

Since, by default, I make it stand one meter away from me, if it completes half a circle, it will get closer to the owl by two meters. Two meters should be enough for it to detect and engage the owl! Two meters is the difference between me living or turning into paste!

“Come on, you can do it! I believe in your bugged brain!” I bite my nails as I anxiously watch my minion’s erratic actions.

Meanwhile, the ceiling keeps getting lower and lower. Two meters remaining. Soon, my Good Follower will be forced to hunch its back, as it has an orc’s height.

It’s now that I realize how well-designed this room and enemy are. The owl doesn’t move from the pedestal at all. If it engaged in combat, any damage would break the sleep and I’d be able to escape. Similarly, if it ran away, the spell would break at a certain distance. So the owl is doing the best thing it can do to make sure I die: nothing.

Also, the pedestal it’s standing on is far enough that most passive area effects won’t reach, and the elevation makes it avoid any skill that affects the ground level. Furthermore, there’s a hole in the ceiling right on top of it. Without that hole, the owl would die before I did, invalidating the trap. It’ll also prevent the Good Follower from damaging it if the ceiling falls too low, as it’ll be completely covered by stone on all sides.

What about the line of sight, you ask? Line of sight doesn’t matter after the skill’s activation. Otherwise, you would only need to take cover after being hit to negate skills that work over time, like DoTs.

“Come on, one more step to the right… No! I said right! Then, two more to the right… It’s all right, don’t panic. Three steps to the right…” The orc and dwarf hybrid’s bugged dance is driving me mad.

This is killing me. Literally. 

Finally, the Good Follower completes the half circle and detects the owl as an enemy, shouting something as it engages in combat.

“Agaranyama!”

I’ve been thinking this lately, and I couldn’t find any reason for it to happen, but… Aren’t my monsters doing weird shouts and saying weird stuff lately? It was the same with that Stitched during the orc’s ‘punishment game’.

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t mind it.

It’s just… It’s just that I don’t understand why they’re doing it. Are they bugged? I don’t remember changing their voices like that. Do I sleep-play DMA? You know, like sleepwalking, but playing the game.

My minion and the owl clash. At first, the owl’s HP decreases slowly, but the speed it falls starts increasing as the poison from my Good Follower stacks. I’m sure it has some kind of resistance skill. Otherwise, it wouldn’t take so long.

“Please, let it die… before I do, I mean.”

But, as the ceiling keeps falling, it makes it harder for my monster to attack: crouching, it wields its weapons the best it can. But before the owl dies, the ceiling covers it as it enters the hole.

Between the indestructible ceiling and pedestal, the owl is now invulnerable.

“Aaah, it’s so close!” The owl’s HP is very low. Maybe, the poison will kill it, or maybe it won’t.

God, if you could give me a hand, I’d really, really, really appreciate it. I know I’ve said this before, but this time I swear, if you help me, I’m going to start praying to you daily. This time, it won’t be like the previous hundred times I’ve said it.

I pray with my hands clenched together.

When the ceiling is less than a meter from the ground, my vision changes and find myself on the floor’s level. The sleep has disappeared, the owl must have died to the poison.

“Hahaha! Yes! Yeeeeeees! I win! Hahahaha!” Noooo! Stop wasting time and start running, you fool!” Ah, right. Let’s run, you fools!” I shout to my minions before starting to crawl on the floor the fastest I can towards the door.

I don’t look back. Are my minions following nicely? I have no idea. But if I look back, I might die, so fuck them. I’m more important, after all.

Half a meter.

The ceiling is so close to the floor that I have trouble moving forward. My crawling speed drops to almost nothing. The short distance remaining seems to never end.

In the middle of my struggle, Usufet passes next to me at a higher speed. Since it’s shorter, it has less difficulty moving through smaller places. I at least won’t have to worry about it surviving.

“Haaa, please. I must get out of here. Please let me make it…! Ah, I know!”

In a stroke of genius, I start rolling on the floor, moving faster than when I was crawling. I don’t know why didn’t I think about this before. Must be because in real life this would hurt like hell.

“Ugh, ah!” The ceiling is so close that my hands and feet touch it when spinning. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, almost literally in this case, since the room was quite dark. “Hahahaha! Yes, yes! I made it! I survived!”

I jump around, having accomplished the impossible. Then, I look around. Usufet is waiting next to me, licking its hand while staring at me with its ugly goblin face. There’s no sign of the Good Follower.

“Did it not make it? Well, it isn’t weird because it’s bigger than me…” I put my head on the ground level. Right then, before the ceiling and the floor meet, a green hand pops out, grasping around. “Aaah! That scared me!”

It’s the Good Follower’s hand. The rest of its body… I don’t want to imagine. Thank god this is a game, otherwise I wouldn’t stand the sight.

“Rest in pieces, my Good Follower. Thank you for giving away your life to save me. I’ll never forget your sacrifice.” Until I do, which will be about five seconds later. “Alright! We did it, Usufet! We have to celebrate! Fufufu! Hahaha!”

And what better way to celebrate than to watch my opponent suffer? 

I quickly open the screen that shows my opponent. There, I see him running through the labyrinth while ignoring the arrows painted on the walls.

“Hahaha! So foolish! He unleashed the poison, without knowing the secret behind it… It’s so fun, watching him run around like that. Didn’t he say he was so good with plans and traps? Then, why can’t he avoid mine? Fufufu! Hahaha!”

After laughing for a while, I refocus on the dungeon exploration. Regardless of what he does, I must clear this dungeon to achieve a perfect victory.

 

---

 

After I press the Close the door button, there’s a soft mechanic buzz and the door closes, as it said on the label.

“So it did work as expected, huh? Now I have to be sure the poison won’t come inside through a gap.”

I wait. A few seconds later, through the glass on the door, I can see the poisonous cloud fill the corridor. No gas seeps in.

“Finally, something that works properly. Seriously, what’s wrong with this dungeon…?”

Now what should I do? I managed to save my minions and get to a safe place. But there’s no exit other than the door I used to come inside. We’re trapped.

“This looks like a control room. Maybe there’s a lever or button hidden somewhere…” There’s only one way to find out. I clap my hands. “Guys, it’s time to work!”

I wait for my minions to search every nook and cranny for traps. When they finish, I start looking for hidden passages or levers.

“Hmm… there are no traps, or anything else. The only ones are…” My gaze returns to the three big, red buttons. “Those three are the only ones. Taking into account that all labels were correct so far, it should mean that the Open the door button will do exactly that. Then, by all accounts, the Self-destruct button…” I won’t ever consider pressing that one.

Think, Brainiac. There must be a way out. Otherwise, the game wouldn’t have allowed him to create this dungeon.

I can only think of one solution. There must be something in the labyrinth I missed. There’s no choice but to go back. I must open the door and accept that my Unina will all die. I won’t have any support mobs to test for traps moving further.

Without any choice left, I press the Open the door button. With a metallic rumble, the door opens and the poisonous cloud comes in.

“At least I should survive for a while. I should have time to go and explore the labyrinth for the hidden piece. I won’t lose like this! Not to such pathetic traps, reliant on luck exclusively.”

I step forward, keeping an eye on my status screen. I must know how much damage I take to calculate how much time I’ll have.

“Let’s see. The damage is… Is… is zero? Why am I taking no damage?” Just in case, I observe my minions, but they’re doing fine too. “How weird. This means the cloud is harmless. I’ve been running around like a fool, trying to escape a nonexistent danger…” I clench my fists hard. “This is unacceptable! How could I fall for such a stupid trap, no, what am I saying? It wasn’t a trap, because it’s harmless!”

Aagh, I hate this. How could I allow him to fool me like that? I am better, I rely on logic! I shouldn’t fall for such lame tricks!

But everything has its good sides. My minions are alive, and I’m starting to understand how he thinks. The arrows, the buttons to close and open the door. Everything was to lead me here, so I’m sure the last button is a trap.

“...No. This is what he wants me to think, to make me waste time. I’m sure this time it isn’t like the last. The Self-destruct button must open the door to the next area.” Without a shred of doubt, I press the last button. “...huh? Nothing’s happe–”

*BOOOOOOM!*

 

“WHY are you STILL reading the messages inside this damn dungeon? Didn’t I tell you A LOT of times that’s the best way to get yourself killed? For fuck’s sake, ignore them! Do as if they didn’t exist! If you fail and die, let it be because you’re unlucky and not because doing whatever you THOUGHT was best.

DON’T THINK, there’s no ‘best’ here! The best you can expect is to survive, so FUCKING. IGNORE. THE. FUCKING. MESSAGES!”

- Extract from the Chapter ‘When everything is lost’ from ‘How to Stay Sane in The Mad Rat’s Lab’.