Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

“How did it go?” Natasha asked and glanced down at the inside of my elbows and saw that I didn't have a piece of gauze and tape visible on them.

“Was he supposed to give me the results of his assessment already?” I asked. “I thought it was for agency use only?”

Natasha opened her mouth to respond and then sighed. “Ben...”

“I can understand you not trusting me completely and I've already made allowances for that. You know I have.” I said to her and ignored her blush as I took my gym bag from her. “I even let Clint go after he broke into my room. I also showed him what I was hiding and told him why.”

Natasha looked a little guilty about that.

“So, he either told you beforehand or told you after he left.” I said and she didn't say anything. “Or the third option is that you told him to go check.”

“Ben, I... after what we've been doing...” Natasha started to say.

“Do you see me trying to go wherever you're staying to look through your stuff? Am I constantly badgering you to tell me all about your daily life and the missions you go on? Didn't I forgive you already for what happened in the past?” I asked and her face went completely blank. “Oh, so that's it.”

Natasha didn't say anything in response.

“I accepted it too fast, didn't I? I didn't hum and haw about it, or made you wait and worry about if I would even talk to you afterwards.”

“No, it's not that.” Natasha whispered. “We were being intimate and...”

I chuckled and her eyebrows rose slightly. “At what other point in time have we had any kind of privacy to have a private conversation? Have we met anywhere that wasn't compromised by extra security?” I asked and her eyebrows dropped back down. “No, because I'm not demanding of your time and I'm not trying to pressure you at all to have a relationship. I'm also not trying to compromise you.”

“I'm already compromised.” Natasha said with another sigh. “Even on that last mission, I couldn't help thinking about coming back here to meet with you.”

“That was when you accused me and revealed some of my cover.” I said and she nodded. “Did you notice that I actually laughed at that? Did you notice I didn't ask you anything about yourself in a fair exchange? Did you notice I've given you everything about my life, just so you could feel included in it without actually having to ask me about it?”

Natasha closed her mouth and kept her face blank.

“Did you really think I haven't noticed that you stopped calling me Benji?” I asked and her eyes widened in surprise. “You are the only woman I've told to call me that, by the way, so of course I noticed when you changed from having enjoyable sex with a lover to an interrogation technique of a suspect.”

Natasha opened her mouth again and nothing came out, so she closed it.

“I haven't been trying to keep you out, Black Widow.” I whispered and she almost winced at me not using her name. “It's you that's been confrontational with me and you are keeping yourself out.”

“Ben...” Natasha started to say something and I raised a hand to stop her.

“It's getting close to lunch and I'm going to grab a quick shower before we go to the cafeteria.” I said in a normal voice. “Can you go to general stores and get me a new suit and a pair of boxers, please?”

Natasha looked like she wanted to say something else, then she nodded and walked away.

I walked across the medical wing and entered the bathroom again. I actually locked the door this time and looked around for anything to jam against it to secure it, because I didn't want her to enter and try to apologize right away by having sex with me in the shower.

A quick search netted me a nearly empty plastic bottle of hand soap, so I squeezed most of it out and made it into a wedge shape and put the top back on to retain the shape. It easily slid under the edge of the door and I jammed it into place with a tap of my shoe.

I stripped off and hopped into the shower before I remembered all of the pieces of gauze taped to my back. Dammit! May's going to kill me for ruining all of her hard work.

I sighed and lathered up before I did my best to wash myself everywhere else. The gauze quickly became small masses of wetness on my back and I didn't bother trying to pick at them. My shirt was going to have wet spots on it when I wore it, too.

I hopped out of the shower and used a towel to dry off as best as I could and then wrapped the towel tightly around my chest in the faint hope to squeeze out the gauze. There was a knock on the door and I felt that familiar tingle in the back of my skull that I associated with Natasha. I transferred the towel to my waist before I kicked the impromptu door wedge out of the way and unlocked the door to open it.

“Here's your suit.” Natasha said and handed the package to me.

“I need your help getting medical tape off my back or I'll soak my shirt the moment I put it on.” I said and her eyebrows raised up.

“You're hurt? Why didn't you say anything before we did everything we did today?” Natasha asked and stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. She saw the squished plastic bottle and put it back under the edge of the door as she locked it.

“Because I didn't want you taking it easy on me because I had a bad fall.” I said and turned around to show her how many pieces of gauze were on my back. The sharp intake of breath let me know she was surprised there were so many.

“I was going to ask what happened to your jaw to bruise it.” Natasha said and picked at one of the pieces of tape before she yanked it off like May had that morning.

“Yeow!” I exclaimed and jerked.

“Quick and instant pain is better than slow agonizing pain.” Natasha said and pulled off another piece and I jerked slightly. “Believe me, I know.”

“I believe you.” I said and she pulled off another piece. “Dammit!”

Natasha lightly chuckled and kept working until she got them all off and had tossed them in the trash. “Ben, how did you do this much damage?”

“Sidewalk with some gravel and salt mixed in. I fell on my back and slid a bit.” I said and turned around to face her, because I wanted to see her face. “Thanks for the assist.”

“Ben...” Natasha put her hands on my chest and caressed it as she stepped close. In her heeled boots, she was much closer to my height.

I stepped back and her face closed down as her hands dropped to her sides. “I'm not rejecting you, Natasha. I'm just not letting you use sex to try and manipulate me.”

“I wasn't going to do that.” Natasha lied and then winced, because she knew she just screwed up.

It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. “No? You're not going to gather a semen sample to have tested to add to the piece of gauze you didn't throw in the trash?” I asked. “Yes, I counted.”

Natasha gave me a pointed look before she let her face go blank and she handed it over.

“No apology for that or about what I said before?” I asked and she didn't say anything. “Okay.” I said and nodded at the door. “I'll be out in a few minutes after I get dressed.”

Natasha turned around and kicked the wedge out of the way and unlocked the door. She gave me another blank look before she left and closed the door behind her.

I dried my back off and quickly dressed then I transferred my things from my old suit to the new one. I didn't bother asking how she knew my size, because she had held my suit coat earlier. I packed my old suit into my gym bag and checked my phones. I had set them to vibrate the earpiece in the case of the untraceable phones and to vibrate itself in the case of my real phone.

No missed messages. I thought and did a quick cleanup in the bathroom, even the drains, to remove any hairs and things. I also gathered the gauze and packed them in the towel and added it to my gym bag.

My firm stance on not handing a sample over was going to cause some controversy, because not everyone was stupid enough to tell a spy agency 'no' when it wanted something.

I had a plan for that, though. At least, I hoped it was a plan. Was it good? Probably not. This was a spy agency, after all.

I left the bathroom and the doctor glared at me as I walked across to where Natasha stood with him. “I hope you informed Agent Widow of my directive, doctor.”

The man looked surprised that I would openly state it. “I... ah... also informed my superiors.”

“Good. I wouldn't want your accidental death on my conscience.” I said and now both he and Natasha looked surprised. “What? I'm not going to openly murder the man. I'm not stupid. He'll just somehow end up dead at some point in the future if my personal rights are violated.”

“Ben, you're playing a very dangerous game by saying that out loud.” Natasha warned me.

I gave her a warm smile. “I'm not playing anything, princess. This is my life now and I won't let anyone mess with it. Not him, not you, and definitely not the director.” I said and the surprise didn't leave their faces. “I've worked up quite the appetite and I'm starving, Agent Widow. Let's go eat.”

The change in subject seemed to startle them.

“No? All right. I'll meet you there later.” I said and walked by them and to the door of the medical wing. “If you can't make it to lunch, I'll meet you back at Human Resources on B1 in an hour or so.”

The two of them stared at me as I left. I held in my laugh at the looks on their faces until I was in the elevator. It seemed like neither of them were used to having someone actually be bold enough to confront them directly, which meant I could still have fun with people without actually having to make jokes. That was almost music to my ears and I stepped out onto B1 and went to the cafeteria.

I really should have brought my own food, considering this was a spy agency, and they could lace their food with anything. I would trust my spider-sense completely for this part and went along the food line and chose specific dishes. A plate with four chicken fingers, a plate of french fries, a bowl of brown rice, some gravy for dipping, a dish of coleslaw, a bottle of juice, and a bowl of butterscotch pudding.

“You might want to check the crab meat. It smells off.” I said to the closest cook behind the counter, even though it was my spider-sense that had warned me. I went to the cashier to pay and ignored the look of surprise on the cook's face.

“ID please.” The cashier said and I had to put my food tray down to put my hand on the little scanner beside the register. She scanned it and hit a button on the cash register. “Thank you, Agent Parker.”

“You're welcome.” I said and picked my food back up and walked over to the multiple tables. I didn't know anyone officially, so I couldn't really join their tables, then I saw Maria Hill sitting by herself and idly picking at a salad as she went over several reports. Oh, this should be fun.

I started walking over to her table and the entire cafeteria, that was fairly packed, seemed to grow increasingly quiet as I approached Maria. I actually expected that and I was going to use it to my advantage.

“Please pardon my intrusion, Deputy Director Hill.” I said softly so that she wouldn't be startled by my presence.

Maria looked up from her paperwork and she looked a little taken aback that I was standing right there beside her. “Excuse me? Is there something you want?”

I gave her a huge grin. “I just joined the agency and I've already heard about what happened.” I said and her eyes squinted. “I just wanted to come over and meet someone that's become my personal hero.”

“Wh-what?” Maria asked, clearly surprised.

“You successfully encountered that mentally deficient vigilante, Spider-Man.” I said and sat down without being asked. “I've heard of some of the things he's done... grapevine, you know... and I really admire the courage you showed and the bravery in the face of an unknown.”

Maria sat there and stared at me as I started eating.

“I also heard there's a team being formed to confront him.” I said and she stiffened slightly. “I know I'm a new recruit and there's no way I'd qualify for anything like that...”

“You're male, so you would be ineligible anyway.” Maria said and then clamped her mouth shut.

I caught on right away. “Oh, that's...” I paused, because I almost gave myself away, so I faked confusion. “Wait, why would you only want women on the team?”

“I can't divulge classified details.” Maria said, her face stern.

“Oh! Ha ha. Right, I don't need to know.” I said and dipped a chicken piece into the gravy. “I'll prove I'm worthy soon enough, don't worry.”

Maria looked a bit stunned at my words and it took her a few minutes of staring at me before she spoke. “Why are you here talking to me again?”

“Two reasons.” I said and finished the chicken pieces and started on the french fries. “First, I have the rare chance to meet one of the highest ranking officials in the agency and I couldn't pass up the opportunity.”

Maria nodded slightly, probably because she could understand ambition easily.

“Second, you've put yourself into an awkward social situation and everyone is giving you a wide berth instead of socializing with you as they try to not bother you.” I said and ate some more french fries. “I thought I would fix that for you if I could.”

“Why are you?” Maria asked, her tone curious.

“I like the attention.” I said and quickly turned around and about twenty people jerked and looked away. I chuckled and picked up more fries to dip in the gravy. “I'm setting a precedent as well, so I guess that's three reasons. I'm just some nobody that was just hired and I'm already talking to the number two person in the agency. Isn't that awesome?”

Maria looked a little stunned at me pointing that out.

I finished off the fries and quickly devoured the coleslaw and bowl of rice. “The food's not bad.” I said and dipped a spoon into the pudding. I tasted it and sighed before I pushed it aside. “Blah, powdered concentrate.”

Maria looked even more stunned now. “How do you know that?”

“I can feel the undiluted granules on my tongue.” I said and made a bit of a show as I pretended to chew on something much bigger than a granule, then I rinsed my mouth out with the juice and finished the juice. “I should tell them to adjust whatever they use to measure the amount of powder to add to the milk. The ratio seems off.”

Maria stared at me as I stood up and picked up my tray.

“Thank you for letting me bask in your presence, Deputy Director Hill. It was a pleasure.”

Maria looked like she didn't know what to say in response.

“I'm tempted to say more, except I was warned by the HR department to not make jokes or say anything that could be classed as inappropriate.” I said.

Maria nodded in agreement with official policy.

I gave her a warm smile and then leaned close as I whispered softly enough for only her to hear. “When you remember this conversation later, and you will, please feel free to add in a couple of funny jokes that you admonished me for and secretly liked, one double entendre because those are fun, and perhaps one slightly suggestive compliment about how delightfully sexy you look in your business suit.”

Maria really looked stunned now as she stared at me.

“I'm glad I followed HR's recommendation and didn't actually say any of that.” I said and walked over to the counter to return the tray and dishes and I had a short conversation with one of the cooks, who called over the one who had made the pudding.

The three of us had a short conversation about moderating how quickly they poured in the powder, because they actually had gotten the proportions right and just added in all the powder at once and it hadn't all mixed in properly. I also told them a trick for enhancing the flavor by adding some vanilla extract.

I left two happy cooks in the cafeteria and I had some time to kill before I had to meet Natasha. I thought about what I wanted to accomplish there at the New York office and smiled, because I was on the perfect floor for it. The administration floor. I ducked into the closest bathroom to wash my hands and opened my standard package to tear out a piece of blank paper from the back of the manual.

I wrote out a few things and then forged a fake signature that was just loops and squiggles, because it didn't matter whose name was on it. It was just directions, after all. I chuckled at that and left the bathroom and walked into the main administration office and went right to the woman closest to the counter.

This could be fun. I thought with a smile.