Rising Shards

I sat with my back against Stella’s door. It was nighttime. It was a door in my own apartment. But I felt so trapped I couldn’t even knock on it. She was probably asleep anyways.

Everything felt heavy as I went back to my room. My hand froze as I reached for the doorknob. I left my phone in there, so I was free from it for a fleeting moment. A brief chance away from it, away from the notification lights, the song from the movie, and all the messages. For a moment, I was free from having to just smash the keyboard to fake typing so Jeans wouldn’t be upset that I was taking too long to respond. I couldn’t go back in there. I couldn’t take another night of what she was doing.

I don’t know if I was happy that Stella’s lights were still on. I don’t know if I felt anything other than numb as I wandered into the back of her room.

“Zeta, it’s so late,” Stella said. “Can you show me whatever it is tomorrow?”

I thought about leaving. I’d be bothering her. She’d get mad. But my legs wouldn’t move. Stella sat up in bed and saw me standing there. I still couldn’t move.

“Hey…what’s up?” Stella asked.

I couldn’t hide it. My eyes welled up. I couldn’t say anything save for a small sound that betrayed the tears behind it. Stella’s eyes widened and she came over so quickly I couldn’t run even if I could get my legs to go.

“What’s wrong?” Stella asked.

Something about such a simple question asked with such concern just broke the dams. I sniffed to try and not cry and say something, but no words came out, just an ugly sound that prefaced an ugly cry.

“Hey, it’s alright...you wanna sit down?”

I nodded, and she brought me to the living room to sit down. She got me a pop from the fridge and while I was too shaky and snotty from crying to say anything to drink it, I really appreciated it. She got me some tissues too because it was an ugly cry.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” Stella said. “I’m here.”

I breathed a jerky breath that only comes from a deep and true sob session.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said. “It’s probably stupid. It’s probably my fault. I should just go back to bed…”

“You came all this way,” Stella said, gently but firmly holding my shoulders. “Just stay up a little bit longer, OK?”

“I’ve only been walking around in here,” I said.

“That’s not what I meant,” Stella said. “You don’t have to tell me anything. Just let it out.”

I did as she asked for a while. This thing Jeans and I were in, I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“I feel like I’m getting played,” I said.

“What do you mean?” Stella asked.

I thought of how sad Jeans would be that I even said that. I started to get up.

“She’s gonna be mad at me that I’m missing texts,” I said.

“Zeta, I’d really like you to stay a bit longer.”

I’d never heard Stella that serious before. I sat back down.

“So you know how like Jeans and I are dating and stuff?” I asked. “It’s like, everything I’ve done for Jeans has like. I don’t think I’ve gotten anything out of it. Like I’m not expecting her to like. Pay me or something.”

“But a dating is a team effort,” Stella said. “It’s not wrong to want it to feel like that.”

“It’s not a team effort…” I said. “Things aren’t right…right now.”

“Like a fight?”

“Like worse than a fight,” I said. “I’m really scared all time of her. She’s…”

I looked down at my hands. The denim band Jeans gave me almost felt sore. I’m scared. I couldn’t hide it now that I said it. I had never been so scared of someone in my whole life.

“I’m trapped,” I said. “It started a bit ago—"

I choked up, my thoughts piling up in my throat and cutting me off. Stella’s look of concern was like a knife to my doubts. It didn’t defeat the feeling that this was what I deserved, but it let me open up more.

“I’m afraid every time I talk to her now,” I said. “Ever since…I don’t even remember exactly when; she’s been telling me I betrayed her.”

“What exactly did you do wrong?”

“She had a lot of people treat her real bad,” I said. “So all the stuff I did without her I hurt her worse than anyone’s hurt her. So I’ve been trying to make right by her. But she’s being so mean to me. And I’m scared every time I hear her ringtone because it’s never right anymore. It’s just me waiting for it to go wrong. And when she switches it’s like I’m the worst person that ever lived. I can’t do anything anymore.”

I thought about some recent messages. “You used to be a nice person.”

“She won’t let me not text her when we’re not together,” I said. “Every time I do something without her she sends stuff like guilting me for even going out.”

“Zeta…” Stella said.

“I had to pretend I was typing just so it’d look like I was saying something,” I said. “Because she said I’m the only person and she has in the world so I can’t leave her. But this hurts so much. I don’t know what to do.”

I took a giant sip of the soda, which made me feel a little better.

“First off, you are not the problem here,” Stella said. “Second, you can’t let this go on. I don’t think you should see her anymore. I knew something was weird with you two lately, and I should have trusted my gut there instead of letting it slide.”

I could only respond with a brief nod and some more heave crying. I almost couldn’t believe Stella was helping me. Part of me thought she’d take Jeans’ side.

“Every time we talk it gets worse,” I said. “At first it was nice, but it keeps pulling me and pulling me. I don’t...I don’t know if it’s some weird Cani thing.”

“It’ll be OK, I promise.” Stella said. “We’ll get you out of this.”

I got back into bed after I cried it out with Stella. For an agonizing few minutes, I watched my stage self sleep in the stage bed. Messages started to pop up while I slept.

Where are you?

I’m getting worried.

Why are you like this now?

This is it, isn’t it?

You’re leaving?

You can’t leave.

I don’t eat anymore because I feel so awful about what you’ve done to me.

Please don’t leave me.

Everyone I’ve talked to thinks you’re a monster for what you did.

You talk to your sister too much, I think.

They said it’s the worst thing anyone’s ever done to me.

Worse than Harika.

I’m starving…

Zeta…what you just said there…

But I still love you.

…because of you…

And I don't think you're a monster.

Never talk to me like that again.

I think you're fantastic.

See? You’re just…dense, Zeta.

Please don’t be like this anymore.

You know if you ever fought me I’d destroy you.

You really are dense sometimes.

Please don’t go.

I think you’re my favorite being in the universe.

I felt some give in my seat, and managed to heave myself to my feet. I wouldn’t let this happen again. Using the seats to prop me up, I inched forward as my stage self slowly got up. She slowly reached for her phone. I was running down the seats now. She slowly read the texts. She got out of bed, and she was on the train in the middle of the night to see Jeans to make things right.