Rising Shards

I was sitting with Jeans on the living room couch. Stella was fortunately not there, because she most certainly would have made fun of me right there.

“And in my opinion, Tower of Hate and Love has only gotten better since the third showrunner change, and that the fandom fracture is just stupid.” I said.

“Season 4’s still my favorite,” Jeans said. “It’s definitely weaker now, but I don’t think it’s like bad now or anything. Hey, do you remember the thing I asked you about for next week?”

“Oh, huh?” I asked. “The Cani dance thing? That’s next week already?”

“I’ve said the name like a hundred times to you,” Jeans said. “It’s the Cani Claws of Summer Masquerade.”

“Oh, yeah,” I said. “You still want me to go, right?”

I had never been to a dance, much less a dance with a girlfriend. I already had my dress picked out, so I really hoped she wanted me there.

“I just want to make sure you get it,” Jeans said.

“Get…what?” I asked.

Jeans sighed.

“What do you think I mean?” Jeans asked. “How many times do I say it?”

I blinked. The air in the room changed. She sat up and scooted away from me.

“Say what? That we’re going to the dance?”

“The Cani Claws of Summer Masquerade, do you ever listen to me?” Jeans asked.

“Whoa, huh?” I asked.

Oh no. A fight. Our first fight. I wasn’t prepared for a fight. My stomach stayed dropped but added in the anxious “huegh” feeling of queasiness as my worry squeezed my guts.

“I do so much for you, and you can’t remember something as simple as that? I watched all of your show and remembered everything about it, and you can’t even remember something as basic as the name of a dance? A dance that means everything to me and could decide the future of my whole project? Of my whole life? Do you know how many vital Cani people will be there?”

“I don’t get it,” I said. “I’ll be there, I have my dress picked out and—”

“No, you don’t get it, you don’t get anything, do you?” Jeans said.

She wasn’t yelling, which made this even more confusing. “Do you know how much it hurts when you do this? You can’t let me down like you did today again.”

“I won’t,” I said. “I’m serious, Jeans.”

“Are you?”

“I don’t know…what I’m doing…” I said. “I don’t get it…”

I was crying now, and Jeans noticed. I didn’t notice until she did.

“Oh, Zeta,” Jeans said. “Hey, hey. Hold on.”

Jeans hugged me, and I don’t know why, but this conversation had me full on sobbing.

“I shouldn’t blow up at you like that,” Jeans said. 

She groaned and punched the couch.

“I’m such an idiot,” Jeans said. “This isn’t your fault.”

“No, it really is,” I said. “I should have listened.”

“You’re so kind. I told you that, right?” Jeans said.

I felt a bit of whiplash. Did Jeans let out her tension with that one punch?

“Well, you are.” Jeans said. “It’s not your fault, you’re incredible. I should have told you.”

“Should have told me what?” I asked. She…wasn’t mad? Is this what couple fights were supposed to be like?

“I’m so sorry,” Jeans said.

“It’s…it’s OK,” I said.

“My last girlfriend, she’s nothing like you,” Jeans said. “I had talked so much about bringing her to the Cani Claws of Summer Masquerade.”

“What happened?” I asked.

“She treated me like the lowest form of garbage imaginable,” Jeans said. “Worse than you could possibly imagine.”

“I had no idea…” I said. I hated myself for having a pang of jealousy for the idea of someone else dating Jeans. And I was already a ball of messed up emotions.

“And then she left me.” Jeans said. “And it was so hard, because I just wanted her to take it seriously, but the only thing she took seriously was my suffering.”

“Oh…” I said.

Neither of us spoke for a second, feeling the weight of the situation upon us.

“Jeans?” I said quietly. “I won’t leave you. Ever.”

The lights on stage all went black the second after I said that.

We were happy after that, but for me things weren’t the same. It felt like I was in an oven with the heat slowly turning up sometimes around Jeans. She told me a lot about her ex-girlfriend Harika, who made her feel worthless and vanished, but still had the nerve to text her later saying how lonely she was. Things would be good for a bit, but even when things were good I found myself afraid.

Feeling like I had failed Jeans at our fight, I tried to be a super girlfriend, even if I didn’t know much of what a girlfriend was supposed to do. I did know how to buy presents at least and found a gemstone necklace that looked just like the one Illyanra had in Grove of the Unrequited Harmony. I wrapped it in this really nice gold box and hid it in my desk.

A spotlight fell on stage me as I texted Jeans. I walked around in circles, and the texts appeared around the set. Jeans had been texting me a lot more, since she was so busy working on her project. Jeans made my ringtone a song from the movie, and the opening piano notes played every time she texted me.

Why aren’t you responding? Suddenly popped up in front of stage me when I stopped texting for just a second. “Oh, sorry!”

It’s tomorrow.

“I’m so excited!”

I’m surprised you are.

“What do you mean?”

Sometimes I wonder why you’ve been so different lately.

“How have I been?”

Don’t lie to me. You take forever to respond now.

“I think it’s the same rate I usually do?”

Don’t be snotty like that. You know I hate that.

The color of the texts on stage slowly drained, until they were black and white. I didn’t think I was being snotty. I tried typing a few things, but now I was second guessing myself.

I’m sorry, just forget it. See you tomorrow.

Stage me paused a moment before twirling again as hundreds of messages like that from Jeans spun around at the edge of the set. I recognized every one of them, and they each felt like a small piece of glass stabbing into my stomach. I could hear her voice echoing, maybe to Oka it just sounded like murmurs in the distance but I heard all of it, it was all from that second month, all the times Jeans talked to me like that. The ringtone song played over and over. 

Stage me had a red dress on now. I was trying on the special mask they had us wear that covered up half my face. I felt really fancy wearing it, and liked the little fangs on the bottom of it. I wasn’t a Cani yet, but it felt closer with the mask on. Stella was a bit concerned about me going to a dance, but Jeans would be there, so that made it a bit better.

Jeans was in a better mood when we arrived at a big dance hall where the event was at. The line was really long and moving really slowly. My legs were sore pretty quickly. But I was with Jeans, so things were going fine.

“Just say it,” Jeans said.

No, I couldn’t have this happen again here. But I felt it. Her mood had turned.

“You want nothing more than to leave now.” Jeans said.

“I don’t…” I said quietly.

“This is what you do, you stop talking to me, and you shut yourself off.” Jeans said.

I wanted to just say “I was just waiting in line!” But I froze up.

“Tell me you want to go,” Jeans said.

“No, I know how much this means to you.” I said. “About all the Cani that are going to be here that you need to see.”

“The Zeta I met wouldn’t have put herself first like this,” Jeans said. “You know who you remind me of?”

I just shook my head and tried not to cry. Jeans spoke softly enough that no one around us in line even noticed amongst the chatter.

“You’re just like Harika.” Jeans said. I didn’t understand how she kept such a straight face when she said something like that. We had made it through a set of doors, and the line freed up for people heading toward the dance floor.

“I’m not…” I said. “Jeans, can we talk about this?”

“Have fun,” Jeans said as she turned around and left. She slammed the door, shaking the entire void theater down to my seat. I was ready to go home and just cry for the next century both then and while watching the void play version.