Paladins of the Pickle Goddess

The letterboy shifted from side to side. He looked uncomfortably between Helvia and the open window. “I was meant to deliver this message privately.”

“My tenant won’t spread the word,” said Helvia. She was halfway up the stairs and didn’t feel kind enough to walk down and speak to him privately.

She’d just begun to head up to give another eviction notice, and he’d interrupted her. It was making her annoyed. Frankly, she’d thought all of the letterboys had gone into hiding when that temple had been burned down. She’d even done her duty as a citizen of the Capital and reported a few to the guard herself. Something must have changed, if they were bold enough to be delivering messages again.

Either that, or a few new boys had just been recruited. This one did look rather young.

Helvia’s downstairs tenant, a polite young mother named Sabina who snored loudly and shared a bedroom wall with Helvia, smiled at him gently.

“It’s all right. She’s correct, I would never gossip about a message. I’m just trying to let my baby enjoy the fresh air.”

The smog still hadn’t lifted. You could barely see to the next block. The baby in her arms coughed.

The boy was too polite to remark upon it. “I see. Then… this is from the Guild of Laundresses, to be given to Honorable Senior Laundress Helvia, Whose Person is-”

“Just tell me when the meeting is,” said Helvia.

“But there’s also a whole introduction, and I’m supposed to list all the people inviting you. Also, they were very specific about me including the details about snacks. Something about coiled and fried squid served and sealed? And there was some code I was supposed to-”

“Don’t care. When?”

“Tonight,” he muttered. “Eight.”

“Hmmm. I’ll see what I can do.”

Helvia had done her share of blackmail, fighting, and political maneuvering to get enough money to own this place. Now that she did, she thought it was all insufferable. She had her own problems, and she didn’t much like the current member running the guild. Also, their snacks were usually horrible. As the boy turned to leave, she held up a hand. “Wait. Did they mention drinks?”

“An open bar,” he said.

“Hmm.” As she watched him run, Helvia turned back up to the door. Before she could attend any meeting, she had to deal with her current problem. Apis. She took the stairs two at a time and knocked.

There was no response.

Helvia didn’t consider herself to be an unreasonable person. She leaned in, knocked again. Inside the apartment there was only the vague sound of buzzing.

It had been two days since the boy had left. Two days since she’d seen that man, the thorn in her side. Apis. She’d hoped, when they’d shook hands on the deal, that he’d bring good luck from Andrena. Favors from the temple. They made nice lace, and she’d heard rumors that they might have new renovation funding. Renovation funding that could be used on a building that housed one of their temple favorites.

Instead, she’d gotten bees. Helvia knocked again, louder.

Sabina was still looking out the window. “If it helps, I think he keeps the key-”

“I know where the key is kept!” Helvia pulled out her own key ring. “I have my own!”

Fine, then. She’d show herself in. She listened to the buzzing again, hesitant. Did the bees- defend their territory? Surely they didn’t remember something so long ago.

Feeling a little nervous, she straightened her shoulders anyway and unlocked the door. This was her building. It had been smelling strange, smoky, since yesterday. Worse than usual- even with the blocked chimney. Not to mention the buzzing getting louder.

When she stepped inside, it was to a hurricane of bees. Helvia stepped back, shrieking, hands over her face.

They were everywhere. On her hands, on her eyes, pressing into her nose. She stepped back, slipped. Only when she’d fallen back against the balcony did they begin to disperse. Heart beating rapidly, she finally lowered her hand.

No stings. The bees were gone, still buzzing all over, but they hadn’t stung her.

Helvia closed her eyes. She didn’t pray, as a rule. It was a waste of time, and besides, the gods demanded too much in exchange for what she thought was not enough benefit. They gave little powers to their Voices, let them conjure little magic tricks. Nothing for the real people, though, the ones like Helvia that actually ran the world.

She sent up a prayer in the moment to Andrena anyway. It included every curse she knew and a few more she’d invented on the spot. Why bees? Why now?

She had to try again. First, though, she would arm herself. Helvia took the steps two at a time, leaving the door open in case the bees wanted to evict themselves. Luck could always turn.

“Are you all right?” Sabina frowned as Helvia ducked into her own doorway, nudging her baby as it began to cry. “Did they sting you?”

Helvia ignored her, rummaging through her stacks of treasures. Whenever someone moved out, or was evicted, Helvia kept whatever she could. Underneath a stack of pots and pans, there was a teetering pile of linens and a moth-eaten pile of cold-weather clothing from the man who’d emigrated here from the northern territories, claiming the ghosts kept following him.

Helvia missed that tenant. He’d been so quiet at night. If only he’d paid on time. She pushed the sweaters aside and grabbed for a sheet.

When she re-emerged, holding the sheet like a shield, Sabina was still leaning out the window. The baby giggled, grabbing at the sheet.

“Let go.” The hand stayed. “Sabina, tell your baby to let go.”

“He’s just curious.”

Still, the hand retreated. Helvia took a moment to throw the sheet over her head before taking the steps again, two at a time.

She had to know. Was Apis actually home? Had he started to hide from her, trying to use his bees as a defense? Foolish! No one could avoid Helvia! Come any disaster, come any defense- she would retrieve her rent payment! He had stretched out his time for days. Now, she would finally be free of the bees, of the sugar. She would no longer have ants trying to move in. They didn’t pay rent either!

This time, the bees clung to her, but the sheet gave her the illusion of safety. Helvia could only see the room in dim shapes, proceeding by watching the floor carefully. Bees were starting to slip in underneath the sheet. She had to move quickly.

“Apis! If you’re hiding, come out! I’ll find you!”

No response. She kicked at the table. There was an increased volume in the buzzing. She retreated quickly, sniffing.

What was that smell? She would have noticed if fire was spreading outside of the hearth. Yet… it smelled strange. Almost like oil. She frowned. Who would be stupid enough to bring lantern oil in here? The fire was all the lighting you’d need. Was Apis foolish as well as poor?

Helvia stumbled further. There were now three bees inside of the sheet as she groped around furniture, knocking her shin into the bottom of a chair. She had to stop, using a few more oaths. There was a thumping from below her.

“Are you well?” Sabina’s voice echoed up from below her.

“Fine!”

She tried to inhale deeply. Pain was nothing. She would complete this eviction.

There! She had almost slipped, fabric slick under her foot. What was that? It reeked, stinking of ash and oil. Helvia pulled up both of the fabric pieces and inspected them in the dim light that seeped in through the sheet. Bees hovered around her hands, getting in the way as she rotated the suspect.

Gloves. As she pulled them up to her face, she could smell it even from here. Fishy, but mostly clean oil. Whale oil. Who had the money to own whale oil and then use it on gloves?

Especially when Apis should be using his money on paying rent to her instead?

She was still trying to figure it out, frowning, when the realization struck her like a bolt of divine inspiration. “He was so nice, though,” she said. She held the gloves out with fresh horror. They didn’t look like murder instruments.

But it all fit. The night he’d spent out- she always noticed when Apis came back. He was loud on the stairs, his boots thumping and waking up Helvia. She slept lightly.

The way he’d smelled of smoke. The way he hadn’t gone to the temple, afterwards.

He had never mentioned the previous Voice to her before. Had this all been an inside job? Had he been paid off? Was there some political motivation?

Or was it more simple? He had been raised by the temple. The priestesses that had come by to… say hello to her had been clear about that. They’d wanted to make sure she knew he was under the temple’s protection. Had he expected money from the temple, too?

He hadn’t seemed like a murderer. But Helvia knew her duty. She retreated from the apartment as quickly as she could, thumped the door shut and yanked off the sheet. She could feel herself shaking.

She’d never had an arsonist for a tenant before. If she listened carefully, she could still hear the shouting of the protestors, blocks away at the base of the spire. They were only getting angrier and angrier as time went on without a solution.

What would they do if they found out Apis had committed the arson? Would they come and hurt her building?

Helvia could see it now. The protesters- in her mind, a mob comprised of the same screaming face and big sign, all coming in and crushing her windows, throwing fire. Would she own the next building to be burned?

She didn’t have the money of a temple. If they destroyed her building, she wouldn’t be able to re-build.

Helvia had spent years working as a Laundress, doing guild politics and fighting for the best contracts, to afford this. Not to mention the blackmail. She wasn’t going to let Apis, a strange man obsessed with bees, ruin her life now.

“Did they sting you? I think I still have some of that ointment left,” said Sabina.

Helvia stuffed the gloves in her pocket. There was only one way out of this. She had to report it to the guards, and make sure they got everything out of the apartment before anyone else found out. That way, no one could… let their attention stray.

Surely, the guards would imprison him quickly. She could even tell them where he’d gone; South-Side. If she was lucky, the reason he hadn’t come back was that he’d already been imprisoned. Then, once she was free of him for sure, she could turn over the apartment to someone innocent. Nice. Maybe a beetle nun, or something like that. Something peaceful.

Helvia shuddered. Actually, maybe someone non-religious. A merchant.

“I’m going to be gone for a few hours,” she said to Sabina. “Don’t wait up.”

“I thought you had to go to that big guild meeting tonight. Wasn’t that message urgent?”

The guild could wait. Helvia had her own concerns. “Tell them they can deal with their own issues,” she said. She turned on her heel and started down the road. She only started running when she was sure Sabina couldn’t see.