Mask of Humanity

Nicolai was already up and launching himself over the edge of the tower after Beth, falling into open air. As gravity seized him he clutched the three rings tight and injected a surge of Oma into all of them, using them for once not to rise up but to shove him faster down after Beth who was flailing at the air as she sped toward the ground.

She grunted as his arm lanced out and he grabbed her by the forearm and she clutched at him in return, and her weight dragged him down, but he worked the Arts and they slowed, and then they began to rise.

‘Oh shit, oh fuck,’ she mumbled, her eyes trained down, penetrating the hundreds of metres between them and an unyielding stone roof below.

‘Don’t worry. All good now,’ he told her, doing his best to speak calmingly through gritted teeth as he gripped her tight, and she squirmed suddenly in his grasp, reaching up and clutching him with both hands as they rose above the tower, drifted sideways and settled onto the stone.

‘Are you okay?!’ Jo was immediately there, grabbing at her sister, feeling her over as though worried she might be missing a limb or somesuch.

‘I’m good, no problem,’ panted Beth, eyes wild.

‘What were you thinking!’ snarled Jo to Nicolai, who found himself wincing, turning away, rubbing at the back of his head, his Mask sending all kinds of strange sensations through him. Guilt and chagrin and a kind of anger with himself. It was all very strange and new, and he was increasingly feeling that he didn’t like it.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said at last. ‘I… didn’t think. Sara was right.’ He nodded to the woman and immediately regretted it when he saw her astonishingly irritating smug-and-proven-right expression where she stood, arms crossed.

‘Hey.’ Beth was frowning. ‘It’s nothing to do with him. I just made a mistake, that’s all. It’s on me.’ He felt a prideful type of anger from her. ‘Next time, I’ll do better. No problem.’

Jo just scoffed, but he could feel her relaxing.

‘Downstairs, everybody,’ said Nicolai, gesturing to the stairwell and kneading at his Mask, trying to get it to relax.

‘Have fun?’ he heard old Ben ask absently as they emerged into the downstairs area, seeing the man scratching at the helmet on the table before him. He looked to have made some good progress, more than half-way done, though Nicolai judged the man’s first attempt a failure based on how some of the lines veered off and jumbled slightly. Still, a good try.

‘Hmph!’ snorted Sara, still smug, finding a seat.

‘I had fun,’ Azure said and shrugged, smiling, then presented herself before Nicolai, hand held out expectantly. He gave her a nod and placed one of the rings in her palm and she immediately ducked aside, placing her Seed beside the ring.

Beth was already floating back into the air, clearly already past her brief encounter with death, and turned to the other three.

‘You’ll take turns,’ he told them, and handed them to Perro and Katie first just because he figured Jo was mature enough to wait without whining.

Jo moved to his side, turning to watch the others. She was silent, now, but he felt some strange emotions from her, saw her shoot a glance at him from the corner of her eyes. Now, he’d saved both of their lives. Perhaps it wasn’t ideal to have Beth almost die, especially in such a stupid manner, but once again he found a benefit from the event. She looked like she was about to speak. He waited patiently, wondering what she was going to say.

###

Jo chewed at her lip, shooting sneaky glances at the odd man beside her. The questions she had about him had been brewing and bubbling within, and more and more she struggled to keep them in. The next time she looked at him, he met her gaze and quirked an eyebrow, an invitation she seized upon.

‘Who were you, before all this?’ she asked.

He turned to look at her full on, and he seemed taken aback, surprised by the question. He frowned.

‘I…’ he began, and she saw the sudden distance in his eyes. She was getting used to him, and here and there she’d began to work out how to puzzle out his true feelings. He was thinking up a lie.

‘Don’t tell me if you don’t want,’ she said, making a show of shrugging and turning away. ‘No need to lie.’ She shot a glance at him from the corner of her eyes and saw him staring blankly at the wall.

His face twisted, in that odd way it did sometimes, a moment of confusion, uncertainty. She stared, curious. She’d noticed this, too, recently. Times where he was less robotic, less cold, less fake. More real, more human.

‘I killed people,’ he said, and seemed shocked to have done so, his mouth momentarily dropping open, his eyes blinking in confusion.

Her eyes widened, but even as the surprise washed over her at the brazen answer, an answer she knew was truthful, it was fading. More surprise that he’d answered honestly, than the admission itself. She’d always thought it was something like that, that he was a soldier, or a merc, or something.

‘How’d you do that, with no augments? How is it you’re so good with them, despite being a Raw only a few days ago?’ This was something else she’d noticed. Less than an hour after he’d gained his Augments, he’d seized control of her drone from her in an instant. It was something that still confused her to think upon. It had felt more like an AI had taken control from her than a human using an augment.

His face turned firm and cold and she knew she’d asked too much.

‘That’s none of your business,’ he snapped, and looked past her to the others. ‘I’m going to check on everyone,’ he said, moving to step around her.

She experienced a sudden shock of consternation, irritated at herself and at him. She lunged forward, getting in front of him, blocking him, and saw how his body tensed and his eyes narrowed, the aggression that immediately showed in his posture. She knew that he was thinking about moving her forcefully, but she didn’t care.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I was just curious. So you killed people.’ She nodded. ‘That makes sense. I guess it was a hard life, which explains… well. So, you were a merc?’

He frowned at her, but she saw the tension leaving his body. ‘Not a merc. I was solo.’

‘A hitman?’

His eyes narrowed. ‘I dislike that word.’

She scoffed. ‘What would you rather I call it?’

‘Don’t call it anything. It was just something I did.’

‘Then what else did you do, the rest of the time?’

He blinked at her, seeming truly confused. ‘What do you mean?’

‘When you weren’t… fighting. Do you have family, back on Earth or in here? Friends? What did you do for fun?’

He swallowed. His face was twisting, shifting rapidly, micro-expressions. She stared at him, trying to work it out.

‘I trained and prepared,’ he said at last.

She shook her head, feeling confused herself. But she couldn’t stop digging. This was the most she’d ever got out of him, she couldn’t stop now that he was speaking. She burned with curiosity. ‘So what did you spend the money on?’

He snorted. ‘Staying alive.’ His eyes turned distant, something like regret in his features. ‘I had many enemies. Retirement wasn’t an option.’

‘Wasn’t that dangerous? For your friends? Your family?’

He stared at her, face blank, silent. She realised then, and her eyes widened. ‘You were just… alone?’ That’s… sad. He was avoiding her eyes, and she moved to try and meet his gaze. ‘For how long? How old are you?’

He stepped back, shaking his head, and his expression was twisted with confusion and dismay, sudden hurt. ‘There’s nothing wrong with it, is there? I’m just me. Who else can I be?’ By the end he was mumbling, staring at nothing.

And all of a sudden she realised that she’d broken, somehow, through his shell, and she froze, feeling a pang, feeling bad. She hadn’t thought it was possible to get to him. But at the same time she couldn’t deny how fascinating she found it, and the urge to keep pushing. But even as she had these thoughts she could see his stance firming, brows drawing together, his fists tightening, eyes peering coolly down at her. His face twisted and then was still and he spoke.

‘I lived as long as I lived. I did what I did. I survived, and I’m going to keep on surviving. I fought, and I’m going to keep on fighting.’ A wall had gone up and something cold watched her from the depths of his eyes.

‘But why?’

He smiled, his expression relaxing all of a sudden. ‘Why not? Isn’t it fun, to push forward, to rise above? What else is all this about?’

‘To rise above who?’

He shrugged. ‘Whoever.’ His eyes narrowed. ‘You will tell no one of what I have spoken.’

She gaped at him as he turned away, a sudden and sharp dismissal. For a moment there, she’d gotten behind his guard. But now it was back and he was closed off to her, as usual. A faint scowl formed on her face. She wanted to know who he was. She wanted to know what he was thinking. He was so… frustrating.

###

Nicolai could sense Jo wasn’t entirely happy as he turned away from her, looking to the others, but he wasn’t concerned. She’d pricked at him and his Mask had momentarily seized control, spoken more than he otherwise would have, even showed a loathsome little moment of weakness, but it mattered little. His path had not changed, his path would never change. Move forwards. Overcome. Grow stronger. And, perhaps, do a little better. And he was, wasn’t he? With her, with all of them. He’d been almost excessively human earlier.

He looked around at the others and saw Sara who was watching Katie floating—the young girl letting out endless giggles—with a kind of grim resignation on her face. But from her Nicolai felt something else, almost like she wished she was doing the same.

Old Ben was just staring with his mouth open as they all floated ungainly about, bumping into the roof, and walls, and tables and chairs, and the old man had to yell out as Perro floated randomly towards him, Ben hunching over to protect his desk.

‘Sorry, sorry!’ yelped Perro, but he kept moving in the same direction, unable to stop until Nicolai stepped forward, grabbed his foot, and tugged him away.

Sara had risen from her seat, a worried look on her face. Katie was bumping off the ceiling. ‘Katie,’ she called. ‘Be careful.’

Katie ignored her, giggling madly, and Nicolai felt another faint rise of worry from his Mask that led him to position himself below her as he sensed her laughter disrupt her concentration. She fell, and let out a screech of shock, but he caught her.

Sara stomped over. ‘Again! You put them in danger, again! What is the point of this?’

Nicolai shrugged, putting Katie down, the girl looking up at a Sara with worry. ‘They’re learning,’ he said.

‘They could fall and hurt themselves!’

‘That will be a valuable lesson.’

She laughed, a sharp and derisive ‘Ha!’ then reached out and snatched the ring from Katie. ‘Enough!’ she growled.

Katie’s face wobbled, and he felt a rush of emotion from her. ‘You’re not my mum!’ the little girl screamed. ‘He said I can fly, give it back!’ and she swarmed at Sara, reaching for the ring, the middle aged woman leaning back, and from her he felt shock and hurt.

The hurt turned to anger. ‘Katie, no!’ yelled Sara. She struggled with herself, then spoke again, voice firm. ‘I might not be your mother, but someone has to be.’ She cast a dark look at Nicolai. ‘Not like anyone else is stepping up.’ Katie lunged for the ring again and Sara raised it high. ‘Enough,’ she snapped.

‘I can look after her,’ said Nicolai, his Mask twisting him again, saddened by the interaction for whatever reason, wishing to brings things back to how they were before. ‘I’ll stay below her, catch her.’

Sara threw the ring at him and he snatched it from the air. ‘I’m drawing a line,’ she announced. ‘Katie, come with me.’

‘I want to fly! Everyone else gets to fly!’ screamed the little girl, and now her little red face was all scrunched up with rage and self-pity, tears dribbling from her eyes.

He could feel her immature emotions pulsing from her, knew that to her undeveloped mind this situation was perhaps the most unbelievably unfair she’d ever encountered. He found this hilarious, but opted to keep the laughter inside.

Sara stared down, perturbed, unsure what to do in the light of Katie’s utter mutiny as the girl stomped at the ground and screamed.

Nicolai scuttled swiftly away, leaving the woman to deal with the tantrum.

‘Here,’ he said to Jo, holding the ring out, as Katie’s shrieks continued to sound out.

She gave him a nod, a kind of conspiratorially amused expression on her face (this made him feel oddly uncomfortable, because she seemed to think they were sharing some kind of moment and he hadn’t agreed to that) as she took the ring and retrieved her Seed from beneath her clothing.

After a glance around, Nicolai ended up eyeing old Ben. He was making good progress on the others, but the old man still held out. He crossed the room and settled into a chair beside him.

Old Ben gave him a rather unfriendly look in response.

‘How’s the etching going?’ Nicolai asked, gesturing to the helmet.

Old Ben simply grunted, then he frowned upwards, seeing Azure floating towards them. He put protective arms around his work and hunched down as Azure bobbed past, bouncing off the ceiling. ‘You have eyes to see, don’t you? That’s how it’s going.’ The man turned, shifting to present Nicolai with his back-and-shoulder. Nicolai recognised this as a message in a secret human language. It meant: Fuck Off.

Old Ben clearly didn’t have much interest in chit-chat with him, and Nicolai knew why. He recalled how he’d held the old man’s Seed up, how he’d gripped it tight and made it scream, how Ben had begged and pleaded. Not an ideal first impression, one which he’d made little effort to rectify. But now old Ben was doing something useful that would provide benefits, and Nicolai was pretty sure he wasn’t going to kill him.

‘You’ve made mistakes here, here, and here,’ said Nicolai, leaning forwards to poke at various lines on the helmet.

‘What?’ old Ben frowned at it, then at him. ‘What d’you mean?’

Nicolai settled into an explanation. He intended to deepen his bonds with all of them, and if idle chat was not an option, he figured a more focused discussion of something that clearly interested the man was a good second choice. This proved true, as old Ben became marginally less prickly, questions emerging from him as he frowned at the helmet and the lines.

‘Not too good at this sort of thing, nowadays,’ the old man admitted. ‘A little shaky. Too long spent fixing broken droids.’

‘Anything I can do to help?’ asked Nicolai.

Ben snorted, raised his hands. ‘It’s just these. Old hands. Flesh and blood. I couldn’t afford bionics, not even the cheap ones. Pension was barely enough to live on.’

‘You can buy augments and implants in this new world, at the Trade Link.’ Nicolai chewed his lip, thinking he ought to try and sound a little less robotic.

‘You can,’ said old Ben, drawing Nicolai’s gaze back to him. His eyes were narrowed. Beady. ‘When are you going to show the rest of us how to get to it?’

‘In time,’ Nicolai assured him, forming a faint frown. He glanced at Jo in an attempt to suggest she was the reason for him not sharing.

‘Because of her, is it?’ wheedled old Ben, watching him carefully. ‘Those girls jump when you say. Might be some of these others don’t see how things are, but I do. They listen to you, not you to them. If you told them to reveal the Trade Link, I’m certain they would. So, it’s not her, is it? It’s you.’

Nicolai gazed back at the old man, his smile fading. Something stirred within him. His Mask twitched. Threat Analysis was speaking. It all blurred into a confusing mass. He sees more than most. Dangerous. He’s watching you. Distract him. Watch him. Kill him. Find the sword. Kill them all.

Nicolai snorted and shook his head, trying to dislodge the voices which echoed through his mind, sucking in a shaky breath. He lunged to his feet, took a few random steps, felt his Soul Sense twist and his skin buzz. The lights in the room were dimming and everything was starting to stretch. He could feel Beth’s sudden wary regard as her Soul Sense pivoted towards him, and knew his Soul Sense was leaking some signs of what he was feeling. The cage was creaking. The hole was creeping open. The mad urges spilled through him, a deluge of vicious, confusing, conflicting voices.

Nicolai’s lips drew tight in a snarl. He wasn’t sure which voice was him, but he clung to his earlier decision. The hole must be closed, the cage must be kept locked.

Shove it down shove it down, and he did, he squeezed and he pressed and his Mask had been helping from the start, stopping the problem spiralling out of control, and he got it down back into the cage, buttoned the hole up tight, and he took a deeper breath, steadying himself. He spared a moment to look the cage over. It wasn’t in a good state. Recently the madness within him seemed only a crack away, eager to rise up.

He needed to firm up the cage, somehow. But he’d found that simply sitting there and trying to build it was less effective than he’d have thought. It was all tied together, the cage, the hole, the dark urges, himself, the thrill, the mask. He couldn’t make sense of it. He didn’t know where to start or what to do or how to fix himself, he wasn’t even entirely sure he wanted to fix himself, didn’t know what that would look like.

His earlier words to Jo returned to him. He didn’t want to change. He simply wanted to be in control, able to make his mind up about things. In truth, as to whether it was “right or wrong” to kill the others? He wasn’t too concerned. He simply wanted to be sure that whether he killed someone or spared them, that it was his decision; that he had decided to do so for his own reasons. He wanted to master the Dark, and to treat the suggestions of the Mask as what they were; suggestions. Once these parts of himself were fully within his grip he believed he would be able to move forward with a clear heart.

‘Are you okay?’ came a voice from behind and he saw old Ben was staring up at him, looking confused and, hidden in the depths of his eyes where only Nicolai could see, wary.

‘I’m fine,’ said Nicolai with a pleasant smile, his mind once more cool and calm, ignoring the vague blare of warning Threat Analysis was sending his way. He gave the man a friendly tap on his shoulder.

‘Keep it up,’ he said with a gesture to the failed Soul Trap. ‘You’ll get there, shaky hands or no.’ He flashed another fake smile but it squirmed out of his control until it was more a grimace. His Mask wasn’t helping and his tolerance had abruptly deserted him. He turned quickly away. A glance at Beth revealed her staring at him. He gave up on the smile but did his best to radiate calmness from his Soul Sense.

What am I doing here?

He’d wasted over an hour sitting around, teaching, interacting… attempting to be “human.” It wouldn’t do to lose focus of what really mattered. It was time to advance, that would help him with the cage. Making progress would firm his mind. He called out to the others, making them come down with reminders they’d completed another Challenge.

Once they’d settled, everyone checked their Marks and the stone hands rose from the ground, proffering Oma crystals and points-tags.

‘I’ll be going to the Trade Link, now,’ he said. ‘If anyone wants me to buy them something, just hand over some points-tags. Or, alternatively, I’ll consider one Oma crystal to be worth two-third of a standard points-tag, just for today.’

He saw some thinking and quick maths between them all, then the realisation that he was giving them a good deal sunk in, as after-all—the Challenge rewards gave them two Oma crystals for each points-tag. Nicolai made a profit either way, and the fact of a good deal, with an implied limited-time availability, was the push that made them start handing what he wanted over.

In only moments he’d received a points-tag each from Perro and Azure, and three Oma crystals, too, and old Ben and Sara were saying they wanted stuff, too.

He gave a greatly condensed lesson to Sara and old Ben, simply having them briefly activate their Seed’s Soul Senses then float a tiny bit with the rings, and then he received another pair of points-tags and four more Oma crystals. Small gains, ultimately, but it all added up.

Sara attempted to take ownership of Katie’s but Nicolai halted that, telling the woman that the girl’s loot was her own. Sara subsided with an irritable expression after murmuring Katie didn’t know their value (in Nicolai’s opinion, none of them did), and Katie gave him both of her points-tags and one of her Oma crystals, whispering that she wanted… as much of a specific brand of sugar-filled corn-syrup based confectionery as he could buy her. Perhaps Sara had a point.

He took the time to retrieve his rings and tell them all to practise with their Seed’s Soul Sense. He was pretty sure that being able to use it well was the “bonding” requirement the Seed’s required before integration. Both he and Beth had completed the process the moment they’d completed their Seeds, but he had been using his Seed’s Soul Sense easily by then, and so had Beth.

He wanted all of them to become Cultivators, but currently their skills were lacking and he doubted they’d fulfil the bonding requirement as a result. It had taken all of them anywhere from one minute to five to even connect to their Seeds, something he’d had down to mere seconds, and none of them were able to control the Soul Sense while on the move.

Nicolai gestured to Beth and Jo who followed him into his room before he closed the door, gaining some privacy.

‘There’s some time in the day yet,’ he said with a glance at the torch, which was just beginning to shade towards orange. ‘We’ll go to the Trade Link one more time, buy some more supplies, then return.’

‘Jo’s not fit to travel,’ said Beth suddenly. ‘She’s injured.’

Nicolai frowned. That was true. ‘Alright,’ he said with a shrug. ‘Just you and me, then.’ He gave Jo a meaningful look. ‘Keep your words close if they start questioning you. Especially with that old man. Don’t talk about the Trade Link, or me, or the people we’ve killed. No need to cause any strife, eh?’

The girls were giving him those looks again, but from what he felt of them he knew their attitudes were a little conflicted. Despite his lies, despite how he was, they were warming to him. Saving peoples’ lives tended to do that. But, there was something extra in Jo’s eyes. She was looking at him almost as though she felt she understood him. It made him uneasy, made him wonder what she thought she knew.

He looked to Beth. ‘Let’s go, one more little journey.’ He glanced to Jo. ‘Tomorrow we shall see about your Contract with the painting.’

Before leaving he took the time to gather his bags of liquid taken from Kleos’ jar, pouring it into a bucket he’d found which he placed on the table in his room. The head had been quick to ask if he had retrieved the liquid when he’d first returned and he’d assured it this was so, after which Kleos had relaxed. It seemed that the head still had some time, but Nicolai felt Kleos had long since earned a rest in its liquid.