Isekai Speedrun

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Hey twins, could you please come back to save the day?

“Pretending to be a corpse would be more believable if you lied still.” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster spawned out of nowhere, probably because of the massive wind attack that Stick Witch launched. I recognized him immediately even with his new grunge viking fur coat -look: a tall, muscular dude with a black hair and a black beard. Like a special forces operator on a long recon mission.

“Following the circles of that ghost woman have brought something even more interesting upon my feet. This must be my lucky day! Oh, how unfortunate it is to be so lucky!” (Thiefmaster)

This is the worst. This the worst RNG of the season.

Stick Witch spawns for an overpowered drive-by attack, twins run after her like glitched sidekicks, Test Subject gets downed, I’ve lost unknown amount of health points... and now Thiefmaster stands right next to me.

I could take down a regular mook or two, but soloing a boss-level enemy in this situation is a no-go. What’s the backup strat now?

I should’ve brought that dynamite. I could at least take out Thiefmaster with me.

Okay, one positive point: I have a real reason to avoid Thiefmaster’s eyes because my eyes are still not focusing properly.

From the corner of my eye, I saw T-Sub’s body moving.

There’s still hope! T-Sub’s getting up!

“Oh, this one was alive as well. How fascinating!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster quickly changed his position. He spotted T-Sub’s scattergun nearby in the snow and kicked it in the forest.

Thiefmaster must’ve instantly recognized that T-Sub cannot be taken as lightly as me.

“...Master, stay behind me...” (T-Sub)
“Challenge accepted, fire at will.”

T-Sub’s alive, but he’s badly injured. Our chances are only marginally better.

Even if he weren’t injured – and even with full knowledge about Thiefmaster’s techniques and special abilities – 1v1 is a hard sell. I need to make this 2v1 somehow.

“This one comes from east coast like me, hmm? I recognize your countenance, walking corpse: you’re a battle slave from the old territories. How intriguing. I once met that foolish slavemaster who ordered your kind to be created. Strangely cowardly and unimportant man he was. I thought all of you perished long ago. Oh, what a rare privilege! Is it my destiny to kill the last one of your kind?” (Thiefmaster)
“...” (T-Sub)
“You don’t care to introduce yourself, slave warrior? Well, this one travels incognito as well. Hmm, broken ribs, broken arm, torn muscles... what else do you have? This scent of comfortable kill doesn’t feel right... Yes, allow me to make this more interesting! I won’t draw my weapons, and I will also keep my left hand behind my back. I will only use my right hand! Or would you prefer if I used my left hand? I allow you to choose which hand I use to kill you, slave of war!” (Thiefmaster)

Classic move from Thiefmaster. He was ambidexterous so the choice didn’t matter in the first place. T-Sub knew this info as well.

“Use your left hand.” (T-Sub)

That’s right, T. Make him think we don’t know anything.

“Ah, of course you would choose my weaker hand! That’s what slaves do, I should expect as much. Was there even need to ask?” (Thiefmaster)
“...Master, can you run if I keep him down?” (T-Sub)
“Negative.”

Running wouldn’t help here even in full health. Thiefmaster is much faster.

“Of course you are the master of this slave. How boring.” (Thiefmaster)
“...I must win then. For the master I respect, I will use this life!” (T-Sub)

T-Sub threw away his snow cloak and fur coat. Both his undershirts were red from blood.

“Oh, a confident enemy! Very well, slave, I allow you to make the first attack! Come!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster started removing his outerwear while beckoning T-Sub with his left hand.

T-Sub attacked without hesitation before Thiefmaster could shed his coat. The first attack was a straight kick directed at Thiefmaster’s groin. That was his weak spot.

No surprise there. For most men, it was the weakest spot.

Thiefmaster avoided the kick, as expected, while throwing his fur coat high in the air. He was as fast as ever, maybe even faster than in the game.

Or maybe my distorted perception was just slower.

“Good, good! Excellent opening move! Continue that move! Show me the next one!” (Thiefmaster)

The fight quickly turned into a medley of punches, kicks, blocks and dodges between two high-level martial artists.

No radiating colorful auras or shouting out their moves aloud, but their skills were obviously above baseline humans. They kept flipping and rotating, trying to find good angles, striking soft spots with hard attacks; series of feints, push-ins and pull-outs flowed into kip-ups and aerial cartwheels which shouldn’t have any place in a real world fights. Their bodies were practically steaming.

I took out both my revolvers, but my eyes refused to focus correctly. The speed and unpredictability of their movements was too much.

I could try to leave it to my gamer instincts, but I was afraid I might accidentally hit T-Sub. I had trained myself to not care about hitting friendlies and sidekicks.

These two characters never dueled in the anime or game, but it was clear that T-Sub was the weaker one and started from a far weaker position. Thiefmaster, being the cocky bastard he is, was toying with T-Sub. He showed openings on purpose and took minor damage on purpose. He kept doing risky acrobatics while T-Sub struggled to keep up.

However, T-Sub had an ace up his sleeve: my game knowledge. He knew Thiefmaster’s skills and attack patterns, but kept this knowledge hidden. He was waiting for an opening.

When Thiefmaster drops his defense a bit more intended, that’s the way in.

“Die!” (T-Sub)

Even without hit point indicators, I saw the moment when T-Sub jumped to action. Thiefmaster received a sudden straight punch to his face. T-Sub probably aimed for Thiefmaster’s eyes, but managed to break Thiefmaster’s nose instead.

Thiefmaster suffered more damage than expected and made a long startled backflip on the other side of the creek.

“What exceptional eyes you have to read my moves to this extent! It seems I must look deeper into your techniques as well!” (Thiefmaster)
“Now we’re both bleeding. Come, petty thief.” (T-Sub)

T-Sub raised his fists close to his face. He knew what was about to come next. He had to shield his eyes from Thiefmaster’s eyes.

“Oh, what an interesting blocking technique! You’re trying so hard to live, slave!” (Thiefmaster)

Unfortunately, this defense stance allowed Thiefmaster to attack with unnatural speed and aim for T-Sub’s lower body. T-Sub crouched and rolled left, but then Thiefmaster did something unexpected: he spat his own blood at T-Sub’s face as a distraction and used his right hand.

“Slave, let’s bleed together!” (Thiefmaster)

A devastating blow dug into T-Subs ribs. T-Sub coughed blood.

Without his previous injuries, he could’ve dodged or blocked the attack, but unfortunately this one sealed the duel. Thiefmaster broke his own rule and punched with his right hand.

T-Sub was disoriented enough that he had to use his eyes to locate the enemy. That’s when Thiefmaster sprung forward to look into T-Sub’s eyes and activated his hypnosis skill.

It was clear who would win after that.

I kept my gloved hand on the revolver grip, but didn’t put my finger near the trigger. My gamer instincts kept screaming wrong strat, wrong strat. I was a speedrunner, not a fast-drawing gunslinger like Rain. I cannot trickshot tossed coins on both sides. In this environment, in these clothes? Certainly not.

Thiefmaster kept attacking T-Sub’s lower body until T-Sub was forced to his knees. As a final insult, Thiefmaster didn’t even give any specific hypnotic commands, he just distracted T-Sub’s mind and dealt physical damage like a bully kicking a desperately struggling victim.

“How marvellous! You could see this one coming as well, yet was unable to respond!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster spat more blood on T-Sub’s face and then gave a final punch in T-Sub throat. T-Sub slumped down like a marionette cut off from its control bar.

That was a critical hit. I immediately knew T-Sub was gone.

Another dead hero. Another main character missing from the menu.

He died trying to protect me.

I shouldn’t have brought him here. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place.

For a second, I expected Thiefmaster to teabag T-Sub to get a final insult in, but that didn’t happen.

In the original timeline, T-Sub died at the courtyard of Sun Palace in Reignland after slaughtering hundreds of Caliph Tze’s guards using his Puppet Berserker special skill. Now, in this timeline, he couldn’t trigger his beast mode because I prevented his journey to the Bone Dune Station.

This time T-Sub died fully aware of what he was doing instead of being a zombified werewolf consumed by rage.

Thiefmaster held a snowball on his bleeding nose while poking T-Sub’s corpse.

“What a wonderful training partner, truly magnificent exercise! Yet in the end, that ended too fast. Even seeing my moves so perspicuously, he was unable to respond when I shamefully used my both arms. What a disgusting shame I have placed upon my name and family... Why, why did he not see it coming? In the end, what a disappointing fight...” (Thiefmaster)

Momentarily, Thiefmaster looked genuinely sad.

What are you so sad about, bastard?!

I raised my revolver and aimed at Thiefmaster, but then immediately lowered it.

Wrong strat, Qwerty! Runkiller, runkiller! Keep your cool! Don’t get swept away by emotions!

Yeah, cheap shots like this won’t work against Thiefmaster. I’ll just die if I do this.

I might get one or two in the right direction, but then Thiefmaster stomps me immediately afterwards.

Thiefmaster wants me to attack. He’s deliberately dropping his guard, showing gaps, saying whatever to irritate me.

He’s absolutely baiting me by monologuing to T-Sub’s corpse.

“...Oh, I expected so much more after those eyes could see through my techniques, but your body couldn’t keep up! Oh, if only I had met you in your prime! Our battle could’ve been so much more exhilarating! What a shame...” (Thiefmaster)

After that long tirade, Thiefmaster went silent and threw away the bloody snowball.

Mid-boss was annoyed. I didn’t try to shoot him.

“Oh yes, you there! Another peculiar wanderer! A skinny weakling, yet wearing strong warrior’s armor. A pale face whose countenance I cannot recognize. Why did you not fire your beautiful revolver when you had a chance? Has your tallow turned to glue?” (Thiefmaster)

Oh boy, it’s Qwerty’s turn now. Keep your head straight and focus.

Thiefmaster’s hypnosis ability has a variable cooldown of twenty minutes minimum and it doesn’t change even if you disengage. He won’t be able to use his skill on me immediately.

T-Sub sacrificed his life to buy this opportunity. What are my options in this time window?

In the game, every mission in Sylvania had around half percent chance that one of the randomly encountered swarm goons was actually Thiefmaster in disguise, which initiated a surprise boss battle. You could disengage from that surprise boss battle quite easily with distraction tech (especially when triggered during a speedrun), but every random Thiefmaster encounter lost you at least a minute, depending on location.

If you wanted to kill Thiefmaster quickly, the correct strat was to visit only open areas with lots of weak enemies and obstacles that you could keep between you and him, wait for him to to spawn in one of those areas, and then end him in a ranged battle.

I wasn’t in any condition to fight or use a normal distraction escape in this encounter.

Thiefmaster moved in and violently snatched both revolvers away from me. Welp, even less options now.

“Masterfully crafted Caliphate revolvers in cross draw. And what is this exquisite armor you wear? Ah, isn’t this exciting? Who are you? Why are you here? Why together with this rare and disappointing war-slave? What is your stratagem?” (Thiefmaster)

Keep talking, I need to think.

Thiefmaster’s three-stage attack pattern was simple: he started ranged, then changed to acrobatic melee techs, then used his special ability, and then cycled back to acrobatics. Sometimes he skipped ranged and gave the first attack to player – exactly what he did with T-Sub.

The key point was to keep him switching between ranged and melee without allowing him to get close enough to use his special ability.

T-Sub couldn’t execute this strat while injured. I certainly can’t do it either.

Thiefmaster was keeping some distance from me, but he wasn’t signaling that he would attack with his firearms or throwing blades. Should I go for a sneaky close range attack with my third revolver or dagger, or –

– no, forget physical attacks. My low health would just evolve to lower health.

I’m in far weaker position and don’t pose a real threat. There’s one obvious option: keep him in stage zero, no attack.

Time to roll for persuasion or deception.

“You are not Caliphate or Sultanate. Looking at your fine clothes and weapons, I suspect you are one of the revolutionaries, and not a lowly legate in that organization either... Oh, I’m terribly sorry to interrupt your final moments as a living individual, but I must insist that you answer my questions and clear this delicious, delicious confusion in my mind...” (Thiefmaster)

How do I talk myself out of this? What’s my angle?

Let’s just stall for now. Smooth is smooth, slow is fast.

I removed my gloves to buy time.

“Oh yes, do drop those gloves! Try to draw your hidden weapons! I’d like to see your skill with that gun on your belt!” (Thiefmaster)

Of course he realized that I had a third revolver hidden under clothes. He can easily slap it from my hand at this range if I try something.

“Have you lost your voice? I told you to drop those gloves. Must I loosen your tongue with pain to make you talk?” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster is highly skilled at reading and manipulating people even without activating his mind manipulation skill. How many lies I can tell?

Crys has repeatedly said that I’m really bad at concealing my true feelings.

Think fast. He probably won’t bother using his hypnosis ability for a weakling like me even after the cooldown is over... or maybe he’s in enough of a pinch to use his ability more frequently in this timeline, skipping his normal stages.

I slowly took out and put down my third revolver while watching his reactions.

Use the Force, Qwerty! Use Force Dialogue to distract him and push this encounter into a different direction.

I opened my mouth and spoke with all the confidence I was able to muster.

“Ahem, it would be courteous to introduce yourself before making demands.”
“Oh, he was not a mute! You claim you do not recognize me? What an interesting concept! No, I wouldn’t blame you for not recognizing my handsome face in these circumstances, with this vulgar hair fitting of a peasant... Except you certainly must recognize me! But fret not, I shall introduce myself: this one is Thiefmaster; Master of the Hidden Road, Downfall of Sylvania, the man of million wanted posters! My beautiful face is shown on walls and on guide posts from coast to coast! Then you, master of that disappointing slave, it is now your turn to introduce yourself!” (Thiefmaster)

Call me Ishmael... No, that’s definitely wrong approach. What name do I give?

“I said introduce yourself, weak and wounded warrior!” (Thiefmaster)
“...Caspar.”
“Oh? And who is this Caspar?” (Thiefmaster)
“Odilon. Caspar Odilon. Street name Rockman.”

The first random names that popped into my head were painters.

Thiefmaster laughed. It was his signature cackle from the anime. What an eerily nostalgic audio clip.

“Your voice does not carry the confidence of a nobleman announcing his titles! Try again!” (Thiefmaster)

Okay, trying to confuse his lie detector ability with intuitive improv didn’t work.

What name should I give next? Should I just tell him I’m called Speedrun here? Speedy Gonzalez? Dio Speedwagon? No, if he’s preparing to play with his captured prey like a cat, it’s better to play my cards straight instead of throwing him cheap chew toys.

“I am Qwerty Uozewe.”
“Oh! A real noble name after all!” (Thiefmaster)

Sure, I have a surname. Only landowners and their descendants have those.

He accepted Qwerty as my real name. I guess I’ve used this handle long enough that I believe myself that it’s my true name.

Thiefmaster’s eyes looked diagonally up for a moment. He was probably trying to remember if he knew my family name from somewhere.

He spread his arms wide and laughed again like he had just won the lottery.

“Uozewe clan! So you were not Wintersmith, the shaman of the forest! How deliciously disappointing!” (Thiefmaster)

Wintersmith? Why would he think I’m – wait, wait, is this useful info? Was there a rumor that Wintersmith is part of the Revolution Movement? Was this perhaps part of Crys’ rumors to lure Thiefmaster here? Or was this Thiefmaster lying or bluffing with a random name just like me?

Wintersmith was an anomaly – an apparition that behaves like a human until attacked or killed. An apparition that doesn’t stay inside its area. One that doesn’t care about talismans. Is there some connection between Thiefmaster and Wintersmith that I don’t know about?

“How exciting! Weak nobleman, how do you fit in this picture? Where do you come from and why are you here? Why is there a Sultanate flagstaff of such high quality among your possessions? This is truly a rare puzzle to ponder!” (Thiefmaster)
“I was sent here to investigate a strange wind phenome–”
“Do not interrupt my deliberation!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster suddenly jumped forward and kicked me in the guts before I could continue. He picked up my gloves and took my third revolver.

I guess he was more on his toes now because of I wasn’t responding like a normal character.

“Why are you here? Answer this question now!” (Thiefmaster)
“Because it was revealed to me in a dream.”
“Quiet, farmhand! I’m going to make a guess!” (Thiefmaster)

And I got another kick in the guts. Please make up your mind, psycho.

Melee attack, stage two. I shouldn’t try to evade or fight back. Don’t give him a reason.

I need to go full smurf to keep him at stage zero. Hopefully there’s no internal bleeding.

“No, rather than making a guess, I will tell a story! Yes, a story about a certain person of nobility! Long ago, someone sent mysterious letters and the name of this person was taken away from him. Then even more letters came and heads fell here and there. Then a wanted posters appeared! He became a person hunted by bounty hunters and foolish commoners. Hiding in deep forests like an animal, moving in dirty disguises, he lived through interesting times! Oh, it took him a while to learn about the secret letters and where those letters came from. Caliph died, then Suleiman died as well. A new gang – no, a new syndicate appeared out of nowhere. They took over the Isthmus first, then all northern zones. A coincidence? That cannot be! New names started to circulate on the streets, together with some old names. Names known by all bounty hunters: Sorry Man, Rainwoman, Reavertooth, Ivorythief. These famous names from Caliphate wanted posters with incredibly high rewards on their heads! Oh, I took a new name myself and gathered information, but soon I had to run again! It was very odd, very odd coincidences indeed! It was like someone was watching me, making accurate predictions about my movements...” (Thiefmaster)

Okay, you started your story with “a certain person of nobility” and then just switched midway to yourself.

Whatever, just stay in stage zero. Monologue on while I roll in the snow. Slow and steady, I’ll find an angle.

“Someone knew me too well, all too well! I suspected my past accomplices and eliminated all of them, one by one, but alas! It was none of them who leaked information, none of them knew! Oh, what a blunder on my part! Killing all my comrades-in-arms like that, unknowingly helping my enemies! What a wonderfully desperate situation I was in, can you even imagine the thrill I felt?” (Thiefmaster)

Yeah, this wacko gets off on being in danger and taking huge risks. He’s the Joker to my Batman – a complete opposite in character settings. Toxic and selfish YOLO philosophy personified.

“Revolution Movement, that is what you call yourselves! Well-known dangerous faces have gathered together with unknown dangerous faces! Quite an interesting story, isn’t it?” (Thiefmaster)

He has done his research. He’s crazy, but he’s not entirely stupid.

“Sure, what an interesting story. Please tell me more.”
“No! It’s a boring story! Enough about boring nobles and their boring lives! We must talk about you, Yozewe of Winter Forest!” (Thiefmaster)
“It’s Uozewe.”
“Oh, such a confident correction! Your real name! Where is your companion Wintersmith hiding?” (Thiefmaster)
“I do not know, and I’m not his companion.”

That was the truth. The last time I saw Wintersmith a.k.a Shaman of the Winter Forest a.k.a Agam Vark in person was two years ago in the Cursed Forest. Since then I had only heard reports from our eyes on the road. Wintersmith was moving freely and randomly around northern territories without any apparent reason or destination. He didn’t stay in the vicinity of the Winter Forest like in the game.

Just like this boss enemy didn’t stay in Sylvania.

“I see, I hear! Are you a purple one?” (Thiefmaster)

Okay, now I see where he’s coming from. Thiefmaster must have gained his information by torturing or bribing some affiliate gang members – or rather, he’s been steadily eating the misinformation soup spiced carefully with half-truths that Crys has been cooking for a long time.

In this Dragon’s Head Sorry Man soup, Wintersmith was labeled purple aka neutral character that Revolution Movement wants to keep alive. He is a well-known purple face on our anti-wanted posters that are circulated to gang leaders: Must stay alive and well. Affiliate gangs must treat him like a VIP when encountered.

“I do not have a color.”

That wasn’t a lie either. I assigned colors and labels to NPC’s of interest, but I didn’t assign any color or block for myself or main characters.

“Is that so? Tell me about the house then!” (Thiefmaster)

Eh? Was Thiefmaster already aware about the existence of Starfish Mansion?

This is getting dangerously close to the original anime territory.

“The house...?”
“Oh, everything your group does is known to me! Your movements point to a central location in the Black Forest, at the bend of the isthmus! It is a widely known legend that there is a house inhabited by ghosts in the depths of that Cursed Forest. Do go ahead and reveal its exact location!” (Thiefmaster)

He thinks the orphanage school is our base? Why are you in Winter Forest then, just a random detour?

Okay, that’s both good and bad news at the same time. He doesn’t know about Starfish Mansion, but the students are in danger. Crys’ measured cup of rumors has spilled over… or did Crys use the orphanage as another bait and forgot to tell me? If Thiefmaster gets there, it’ll be the first school shooting in this world.

How can I save both myself and the kids? What kind of hand do I play here?

The clock is ticking. I need to grab the initiative, interrupt his play.

But all I can think of are the original anime scenes: Thiefmaster sneaking around in the Starfish Mansion in disguise, killing minor side characters one by one...

Save the kids, deal with him the old-fashioned way? Should I do it? Pushing him there should be easy right now.

Screw it. Let’s go all-in on original canon.

“Oh, I thought you were talking about the invisible Strangers mansion at Loönois moorlands.”