Isekai Speedrun

Leopold Rope was the leader of Long Drop Bandits, a group of mid-level Robin Hood outlaws working on the northwestern territories of Mu. They became Revolution Movement’s sub-gang about six months ago.

Dancing Bow guided me and T-Sub into a small beach hut where the Long Drop Bandits were temporarily staying. Leopold hopped up from his hammock when we entered and dozen other bandits followed suit.

“Master Speedrun, master Test Subject! We are honored by your presence!” (Leopold)
“Yes, yes, good times. Tell me about the new healer candidate: who, where, how, why, when?”
”Ah! We found a woman who works as a tailor in Visarion Village. This was three days ago–“ (Leopold)
“Visarion area? Sorry, continue.”
“Yes, ah, three days ago – or was it two days ago? No, three days ago. We spent a night in the Visarion area after destroying a suspected Caliphate outpost, and, eh, that was a successful mission. We were already on our way back when we saw a man with this big, ugly scar in his face. Like someone had slashed him with a sword from left jaw to right ear. But the scar was sewn neatly together like a coin purse, and ah, while his right eye and front teeth were gone, he was happily drinking in the tavern. So I was thinking, ah well, that guy sure is lucky to be alive. And when I was thinking that, I remembered, ah, isn’t that something Seer Speedrun wants? So we went to the man’s home and talked to his wife, and we found out that it was his wife who sew his face back together and, ah, and she revealed, after some, ah, persuasion that her father was Galvarius something, court physician of king Korryndin’s itinerant court in Kenorland, and she learned skin-sewing from her father. Ah, so I was thinking that, ah, we should report to Seer Speedrun about her.” (Leopold)
“The daughter of court physician from Kenorland, living in the Visarion area?”

That’s a surprising new development. I had occasionally thought about sending a letter to king Korryndin and telling her about his daughters whereabouts, but since sending a suspicious letter to Korryndin at this point might mess up our Reignland plan, I had postponed it. Korryndin had an important part to play.

Court physicians of southern kingdoms were pretty high on my list of possible party healers. They were a rare breed, and even if many of them were charlatans or inept quacks, the medical knowledge level in treating diseases and injuries at Korryndin’s court in Kenorland wasn’t bad compared to Caliphate and Sultanate. Rather, it was relatively high compared to the treatments common people had to endure, as far as I could remember from the anime filler arc.

According to collated lore, there used to be tons of inbreeding in Korryndin’s itinerant court – like Hapsburg dynasty levels of inbreeding, which is why court physicians were constantly required to develop their skills in treating rare genetic diseases and associated problems over generations.

Then, at some point, a controversial piece of advice was given to the aristocracy by one of Galvarius’ ancestors: “To keep the royal blood pure, commoner’s blood must be mixed in.”

And the one and only noble family that followed this paradoxical advice – clan Korryndin – eventually became the de facto royal family because of it.

Thus, from a court of traveling circus freaks, the itinerant court turned into a touring court of culling, cuckolding, castration, and wittolding. The unofficial motto of the Korryndin family was “a sow and a bull in every port” when the itinerant court toured the kingdom of Kenorland. And although there were less inbreeding nowadays, the old habit of calling family members “sister-cousins” or “brother-uncles” was still part of the culture.

Incestuous traditions aside, the starting stats of an educated daughter of Korryndin’s current court physician should be decent enough.

I don’t know how trustworthy she is as unknown side character, but most characters in Korryndin’s court were relatively (sic) neutral and reasonable individuals. The family bond in itself gives her some credence of professionalism; she’s a person who takes care of her mind and body, and cares for minds and bodies of those around her.

”...Pretty, pretty promising. She doesn’t openly use her father’s surname, I assume?”
“Yes, it is so, as expected from lord Speedrun! The name she revealed after questioning is Klofi Munthe, and her wounded husband’s name is Solovey Munthe. She said her original family surname was, ah… ah, yes, I don't remember. Apologies.” (Leopold)
“Don’t worry about it. Did you send a report about this to Crystal Pencil?”
”Ah, I left a short message in the moor mailbox, but I was – uh, we were hoping we could meet founder Speedrun in person here and our wish came true!” (Leopold)

They keep using noble titles “founder”, “lord”, “lady”, “master”, “mistress” and “dragon’s head” despite my attempts to speak casually. Status hierarchy and protocol is important, they keep telling me.

I wonder when they start calling T-Sub “daisenpai”.

I should check the mailboxes more frequently, even if decoding their scribblings is a pain. Well, most of the messages are for Crys anyway.

When we set up the hidden mailboxes for messengers back in the day, I used to go around checking them more, but after Map Base and Moor Base were established, I started visiting the bases to hear details in person because the reports, from my perspective, kept missing crucial details.

Members were already used to the fact that I visited frequently to make sure that our orders were followed correctly – especially because these people usually found my orders weird and confusing.

“Leo, I said before that there’s no need to be so formal. Just call me Speedy like everyone else.”
”Seer Speedy...?” (Leopold)
”Let’s not turn this into a manzai routine. You can keep using your pregenerated dialogue blocks if you want, but you don’t need to force yourself. Anyway, you did good work finding a healer candidate. I think I’ll visit Visarion area in the near future personally and check what the daughter of Galvarius is capable of. If she has the skills, I’ll offer her a cozy job in the movement.”

Leopold suddenly took nervous glances at Dancing Bow.

”Actually, Seer Speedrun… We brought her here with us. She’s, uh, being held in the Woodland Edge house.” (Leopold)
“She wanted to join?”
“Ah... uh, well…” (Leopold)
”You brought her here against her will?!”

I should have learned already. I must give detailed instructions on how to handle these things and educate them in everything, in all possible situations.

Kidnapping random women from farming villages is bad PR for Revolution Movement. Robin Hood’s Merry Men channel will quickly lose subscribers among oppressed peasant demography if they start rolling Caliphate army recruitment ads.

Okay, it’s easy to criticize at leisure what people did during an emergency. What’s done is done. Leopold improvised based on his own flawed judgment because he wanted to bring a nice present to a founder.

It’s now up to me to spin this gaffe into something positive.

---

We hurried over to the eastern edge of the village, where the Woodland Edge house stood on the treeline.

I knocked Super Mario rhythm of on the iron door. The guard inside opened the door and we entered the windowless room. The guard was one of Leopold’s men called Skewer.

“Is there a doctor in the house?”
“My lords, I apologize for this dirty place!” (Skewer)

There was a strong smell of urine in the room. A blonde woman wearing a washed-out blue tunic was tied to a wooden chair. She was in her thirties. She had a small money pouch hanging from her neck and a rag stuffed into her mouth.

When I stepped closer under the ceiling lantern, her eyes – red from crying – went wide and she winced in fear.

”What the hell are you doing, guys? You didn’t hit her, didn’t you?”
”Ah, uh, she cried and screamed a lot, so we, uh, put a gag on her.” (Leopold)
”Take it off. This is not how you treat women, this is the exact opposite of how to treat women.”

Skewer quickly took the rag off from Klofi’s mouth and begrudgingly put it in his pocket. Are you disappointed that I didn’t come here to torture her?

Klofi stared at me wide-eyed, then screamed.

“It’s you!” (Klofi)
“It’s me?”
“You're the boot-man! You told us to go to Visarion!“ (Klofi)
“Boot-man...?”

An embarrassing memory from two years ago suddenly hit me.

Back then, on the road when I stopped a group of settlers from going to Sharp Mountains...

“Aa, you were there with the settlers? Well, this is awkward. Sorry about that. I was just trying to help. I don’t wear those silly boots anymore... But good for you still following my advice. You went to Visarion instead of Lupio Valley. That’s great, congrats for surviving!”
“We shouldn’t have listened…” (Klofi)
“I mean, you could’ve canonically all died, if you went to Lupio Valley. So this... this is better, right? Anyway, is the redhead named Marl still alive? Do you know her?”

Klofi looked past me. Bowster and Leopold stood near the doorway, watching me and T-Sub in silence. Guys, don’t look so hostile.

“Are you going to kidnap her too?” (Klofi)
“No, no, absolutely not! No one is getting kidnapped. It would simply make me happy to know if she’s still alive.”
“…She is.” (Klofi)
“Good, excellent. I’m really sorry about all this, it was this Leo-dude’s stupid mistake. Mistakes happen to idiots a lot. But ultimately this is also my mistake and responsibility, as their boss, so I honestly apologize from the bottom of my heart... But gotta say it’s quite ironic when you try to skip a kidnapping mission and end up becoming the kidnapper...”

I took a small chair from the corner of the room and sat in front of Klofi, resting my arms on the back of the chair, like a wiseguy in an old mafia movie.

”So you’re Klofi Munthe, right? Let me introduce myself. My name is Speedrun and we are the Revolution Movement. I assume you’ve heard of us and you’ve probably seen our pamphlets and wanted posters in saloons and inns as well.”
”...I have.” (Klofi)
”I’ll skip the basics then. Again, very sorry about this mess. I didn’t give them orders to bring you here. It was a simple error in miscommunication, a small defect in otherwise completely useless product. I will definitely lecture these dudes about their manners and methods later.”
”…” (Klofi)
”You told them you are the daughter of king Korryndin’s court physician Galvarius. What was his full name again?”
“Galvarius de Argys.” (Klofi)
“Yes, that’s it. And like your father Galvarius de Argus, you were probably trained to become a physician as well? Back when you used the name Klofi Argus? Why exactly are you living in Visarion in northern Mu?”

Klofi spit on my jacket and started screaming. I immediately raised my hand to stop the guys behind me.

”I already told them! I already told those men!” (Klofi)
”Sorry, sorry, please calm down. I would simply like to get the story straight from you because these guys are not good at judging what is important info and what is not. Short version is enough, I already know the backstory. Let me guess: did your father told you to hide your power level and live as a farmer in Tatooine, I mean Visarion?”

Klofi coughed and took a deep breath. She was probably thinking if she should spit on me some more. Please don’t spit on me.

”When the royal princess of Kenorland was kidnapped to Sun Palace, father decided to send me and my husband away. He told us to live like lowly peasants so that Caliph Tze’s soldiers won’t find us. That’s all! That’s all of it!” (Klofi)
”Understandable. So, now that Caliph Tze is dead, you feel it’s fine to talk about this and live more openly? Are you thinking about returning to Kenorland? Do you wish to return to southern Mu in general? Do you need our help in that? I mean, it’s perfectly understandable if you offer me a side quest now and tell that you won’t join us, but when your backstory problems are solved, you’ll decide join the party. Does that sound reasonable development?”

She looked at me like I was insane. Oh, I’ve seen that look thousands of times in this world.

”...What the hell are you talking about?! These people threatened to kill my husband if I don’t tell them the truth! I just want you to leave us alone and live in peace! We just… Why can’t you just leave us and live in peace! We don’t want anything to do with you and your stupid useless wars!” (Klofi)
“She’s screaming again.” (Leopold)
“No, Leo, stop what you’re thinking of doing.”
“But Seer –” (Leopold)
“No. Stand back.”

Leopold looked at me with a question mark above his head; like an obedient dog unable to understand what he did wrong.

I really need to add more ethics courses and etiquette lessons in the orphanage school curriculum.

“Leo, you don’t need to put a gag every woman who says something you don’t like. Treating women as lesser beings is out, respecting women is the new meta. Get it?”
“Apologies, Seer...” (Leopold)
“Apologize to the lady, not me.”
“Apologies, woman.” (Leopold)
“...For real, man, what’s wrong with you? If Rain were here, you'd be dead already.”

I turned back to Klofi. She was confused and afraid, but at least had stopped coughing and spitting.

”Klofi, again I must say that I am very, very sorry about what happened to you and your husband. These guys don’t know how to act right. I will make sure you and your husband will be released and returned to your home with a prominent amount of recompense–”
”Please, let me see my husband! I just want to see he’s alive, he has suffered enough in your horrible wars already!” (Klofi)

Right, Leo mentioned a nasty scar on the husband’s face. He’s probably seen some live action.

”Where’s her husband Solovey? You brought him here as well, didn’t you?”
“Uh, he’s in the dungeon room at the old garrison tower.” (Leopold)
“Leo, bring him here immediately. Skewer, you bring fresh and clean water for both Klofi and her husband. Bowster, bring two full sets of dry clothes, underwear included.”

Bowster, Leopold and Skewer left the room running.

I’ve learned a good deal about how to give very specific and confident orders. These youngsters respect physical strength and confident words over everything else, so having veteran like T-Sub as my hypeman gives a non-trivial amount of weight to my words.

“Kids today, right? Tsk, tsk, tsk...”

A brief pause of awkward silence followed. I could hear T-Sub writing in his notebook behind me by the door.

The smell of ammonia in the room made me recall an old image macro from the game forums:

World of Murim? More like world of Urine.

The meme was a reference to how often characters in wuxia stories seemed to relieve themselves in their robes – so much so that it seemed like the writers of the stories defaulted to cheap toilet humor every time they were out of ideas.

”Anyway, while we’re in the topic, you might want to know that the kidnapped royal princess of Kenorland, cousin-sister Spell Moniain Vetten Merie, is probably still alive after escaping from Tze’s Moving Palace. She’s currently hiding somewhere at the ruins of Castles of Victory area, most probably in the Victorious Shields tower... Your father Galvarius should be alive still, but your older brother, the tall one, is unfortunately dead at this point in time. Princess Spell’s younger sister Charm, your cousin-something, should still be alive in the Drunken Forests area. Probably still working for the Shadow Gods bandits. Otherwise, the situation at the itinerant court is pretty much the same still, or at least we haven’t received any alarming reports from our agents stationed there...”

Klofi’s mouth opened and closed a few times. Didn’t expect this infodump here, didn’t you?

”...Princess Spell? Even princess Charm? You’re lying!” (Klofi)
”No cap, I’m actually legit expert when it comes to Mu-Ur lore. I remember most of the original timeline, although the current details are a bit twisted. In any case, we’re going to clear the itinerant court area at some point in the future, and maybe do the ‘Find Princess Spell’ side mission, and kill all the Caliphate troops at the border of Kenorland and Reignland, mostly because we’d like to get some hush-hush stuff from the area. But I’m not exactly sure when we have time to get to that, and there’s still at least one mid-boss around here we need to get rid of, just to make sure it’s safe to go and stuff. So the situation is alive and ongoing...“

Shut up, me. I’m rambling unrelated stuff again.

“Well, this is all mostly unrelated to you. Anyway, when the timing is right, you could, you know, return back to your family and live in your homeland again. If you want, of course. And I completely understand if you’re not comfortable dealing with Revolution Movement after this small misunderstanding. You can travel home on your own after we're done with them, if everything goes as planned. Then again, we’d also be happy, or at least I personally would be very happy, if you could offer some medical aid to us, maybe as a side project, occasionally? Your aid could potentially shorten the time it takes to get into the itinerant court arc. I mean, you weren’t suppose to leave the kingdom in the original canon, but I clearly changed some nexus point in the timeline...”

Yep. That’s the related “huh?” look I also get from people all the time.

”Your next line is... Your next question to me is a replay of your previous question: who are you and how do you know all this? Did I guess correctly?”
“...Is it true what you said about princess Spell?” (Klofi)
“It’s true. I’m the guy known as Mad Seer, the prophet in the north, the all-seeing one, the number one visionary in the town. You’ve heard about me, right? I go into trance and see horrifying visions of a post-apocalyptic hellworld or whatever. That’s why I gathered this ragtag group of antiheroes called Revolution Movement: to stop the madness. You probably haven’t heard this last part, but surely you’ve heard the former? How famous are we in Visarion?”
“...Do you want us to become your slaves?” (Klofi)
”Whoa, whoa! Where did that question come from? How did you jump to that conclusion? No, absolutely not. Where did such a massive misunderstanding even came from?”
“The elders of the village, and the merchants say that–” (Klofi)
“Please don’t listen any of that Caliphate propaganda about us. That’s straight up propaganda. They try to paint us as the bad guys, like we are violent terrorists trying to enslave everyone and destroy their peaceful and free empire. It’s hundred percent projection. They accuse us about everything they do themselves. We hate slavery, we free slaves. We kill slavemasters on regular day-to-day basis. This kidnapping of yours was a simple misunderstanding made by my rustic subordinates, and again I sincerely apologize for this. Like I said before, I’m going to give them a good scolding.”
“I can just take your word for it...” (Klofi)
“No, you don’t need to just take my word for it. People show their sincerity with acts, right? Let me pitch this, we’re definitely on the lookout for rare talents like you. Revolution Movement is not a dark company. We have a very diverse workplace, our employees get monthly salary and we even offer free company housing. We offer daily meals and rations. And it’s not corporate wage slavery either, our salaries are very competitive in the field, like well above average across professions. If you want to work for us, I can certify you in. You can get vacation time, bonus rewards for special missions, pension when you get old, and so on. If you get hurt during work, we do our best to– it’s open, come in!”

There was a polite knock on the door. Skewer and Bowster came back with bread and water, and a set of fresh, clean clothes.

“Okay. T-Sub, release Klofi from the chair. Everyone, outside! Give the lady some privacy.”

---

While Klofi was changing her clothes in peace, we waited outside under the building overhang and watched the misty rain over the ocean.

After a minute or two, Leopold brought Klofi’s husband Solovey Munthe. Solovey’s hands were tied behind his back. They both seemed confused about why were all just standing in a row in front of the building.

“Your wife is changing clothes inside, so let’s wait a bit. She’s in a bit of a bad mood, so maybe don’t go in immediately even if you’re her husband.”
“Huh...?” (Solovey)

I took a closer look at Solovey’s disfigured face. The lengthy wound was certainly neatly sutured. It looked like a flat centipede glued to his face.

“Pretty nice needlework there. How long did it took? Were you awake during the procedure? Did you get drunk or did you take any drug to dull those sharp edges of pain?”
“...Wh...What?” (Solovey)

Solovey was disoriented and bruised from how he’d been handled. Leopold’s gang had probably punched and kicked him a few times on the way. Thankfully he didn't seem to have any fresh injuries and the face wound hadn’t opened.

“Please, c-can I see my wife…?” (Solovey)
“Sure, of course. Leo, release him. Hey Klofi, your husbando is here! He’s coming in, don’t do the funny and wait behind the door to hit him by mistake!”