Emmy And Me

“Emmy! Wait!” I yelled, rushing to catch up to the hurrying figure. When I caught up and grabbed her arm she stopped and turned to face me.

“Wait for you? Why should I? You certainly did not wait for me!” she snapped, yanking her arm from my grasp.

“What?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“You did not wait for me, Leah. You have no idea how much it hurt when I returned to Fallbrook and saw you with Stephanie Houk. You tore my heart right out that day,” she said, more sad than angry.

“Em, you don’t understand,” I protested, but she turned and started walking again, unwilling to even look at me any longer.

Hurrying to keep up with her, I plead my case further. “Emmy, wait. We need to talk. Wait, please,” I begged, but she didn’t slow down.

“I need to get to class, Leah. I cannot be late,” was her reply.

Determined, I kept pace. “Well then, I’m going with you. I’m not gonna leave you alone until we talk.”

“Suit yourself.”

Her stony silence as we walked to her Econ class clearly let me know Emmy was very, very pissed at me. She didn’t look at me once during class, just paid attention to the lecture and took precise, careful notes. I couldn’t stop staring at her, though. She was as beautiful as I’d remembered, her velvety skin as black as charcoal, her hair so white it gleamed. Her eyes were just as green. The pouty lips were the same, too- but there were differences, though. Her shockingly green eyes had a hardness to them that I’d only ever seen when she confronted Jake Merrick when he trashed her car, and her lips didn’t seem to want to smile. She was bitter and angry, and it showed.

After class, she finally spoke to me. “I do not know what it is we have to talk about. You clearly made your choice. I cannot say that I am too surprised. Stephanie is very beautiful, and she has always been interested in you.”

“Look, Emmy. The only reason I ever even hooked up with Steph is because you vanished without a trace and I thought I was never gonna see you again. If I’d had any idea you’d come back I would have waited, Em. You say I broke your heart, but you broke mine when you left.”

“When I left?” Emmy demanded. “Do you even know why I ‘left’?” Her voice rose as she spoke, and it was obvious she used the word “left” in quotes. “I didn’t ‘leave.’ I was taken away. My parents dragged me back to Europe despite my wishes, because of our relationship. Because of my love for you, that is why.” Emmy’s was almost shouting, and I realized I’d never heard her raise her voice before. People were staring, and it wasn’t just because of Emmy’s unusual looks this time.

“If I had had my way I never would have gone, Leah. If I had had my way, I would at least have let you know what was happening. If I had had my way, I would have returned immediately. But I did not, Leah. I could not. I lost everything I wanted in life that night, but I did not even realize it until I returned and saw you kissing Stephanie Houk on the front steps of what I had thought was our house!” With that, Emmy collapsed to the ground, burying her face in her hands. Deep, wracking sobs shook her slender body.

I knelt beside her, but when I tried to take her in my arms she pulled away. The hollow ache in my chest overwhelmed me, and the sound of my crying joined hers. We must have made quite a sight, but I didn’t care. All I knew is that Emmy’s rejection hurt me almost as badly as her disappearance had six months before. We cried out our own separate miseries there on the sidewalk for what seemed like forever, until Emmy finally regained her composure.

“Why, Leah? Was I not good enough for you? Not pretty enough? Not a good enough lover? Why?”

Stung, I tried to form the words, but the tears were still flowing. “Em, it’s not like that,” I sobbed. “I thought you were gone! I thought the best thing that had ever happened to me was taken away, and I was just going to have to accept it. I waited, Em. I waited for months, but no call, no text, no word at all just killed me, Emmy. I didn’t even want to live. I got in fights at school! I almost beat Allie up. I was miserable. Beyond miserable! During that time Steph was there for me. When I finally accepted that I was never gonna see you again, she was there for me, Em. When it became obvious that I needed to move on, she was there. And no, I don’t think she’s prettier than you, or a better lover. The one advantage was that she was there, Em. She was there.”

“Is that all it takes, Leah? I was not there, so you found yourself in the arms of someone else?”

“That’s not what I meant!” I protested. “If you’d given me any hint you were ever coming back Steph and me never would have gotten together. I would have waited, Em. I would have, but I didn’t think there was anything to wait for.”

She turned away from me again, and it was more than I could stand. I grabbed her and crushed her to me, squeezing her body against mine. She struggled against me at first, but I was not going to let her push me away. I found her mouth with mine and kissed her lips, which she kept tightly closed. I didn’t care- I kept kissing her. I held her and kissed her right there on the sidewalk in front of the Business building, where anybody and everybody could see.

Eventually Emmy quit struggling against me and started kissing me back, so I stood up, still holding her. She was so light in my arms I couldn’t believe it. I set her down on her feet, but she didn’t let go- now it was her turn to hold on for dear life. We kissed like that for a long time, frantic in our desperation. Eventually we had to come up for air, but we didn’t let our hold on each other loosen one bit.

“You have practice now, do you not?” asked Emmy.

“How do you know when my practice times are?” I asked. “Have you been stalking me?” I teased.

“A little,” Emmy admitted, smiling sheepishly. “I have been to all your home games.”

“God, Em, I wish…” I trailed off, not knowing how to say it. “I wish you’d never gone to your parent’s house that night. I wish-”

“Me, too,” Emmy interrupted. “But right now you need to get to the gym.”

“No way am I going to leave you now. Not a chance in hell,” I protested.

“You must go to practice, Leah. You must.”

“Then you’re coming with me,” I said, taking her by the hand. There was no way I was going to let Emmy out of my sight, not a chance. She didn’t resist, just held my hand and walked with me to the gym. Neither of us said anything. My mind was full of questions I wanted to ask, and other things I wanted to tell Emmy, but I figured it could all wait. Emmy was back in my life and I absolutely wasn’t going to screw anything up by pushing, but no way was I going to let her slip away, either.

I imagine it was something like that for her, too, but I guess there’s no way to know what’s in someone else’s thoughts.

I tried to sneak in to the gym quietly hoping nobody would notice I was late, but there was to be none of that. Coach Burke tapped his watch when he saw me. “Farmer!” he barked. “Over half an hour late! Don’t let this become a habit, young lady!” He blew his whistle and called out the next drill, and I was grateful to get away so lightly.

Kerry caught my eye and tilted her head towards where Emmy sat in the bleachers, watching. She raised her eyebrows, and I just gave her a big smile. ‘We need to talk’ Kerry mouthed, and I nodded. I threw myself into the workout, but always kept an eye on the solitary figure in the stands. Every time I looked, Emmy was watching intently. I had a little flashback to when she used to watch my workouts at FHS, back before we hooked up.

At our first five minute break Kerry glanced pointedly at Emmy, and asked “So, you’ve got your ex back? What about your little kitten?”

Annoyed that Kerry wasn’t as supportive as she could be, I snapped “Yeah, whatever.” Seeing the look in Kerry’s eyes, I apologized. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just- well, it’s just really complicated, and I’m not sure what is going to happen. I really need to talk to you, Kerry, but some time when we have the time to actually talk.” I hoped she’d understand, and she seemed to, but I still felt like an ass. Especially since Kerry reminded me I hadn’t even given Steph a second thought since Emmy and I had apparently kissed and made up.

Instead of showering at the gym as I normally did after Wednesday’s late workouts I just grabbed Emmy’s hand again and led her outside.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked.

“It does not matter,” she responded, still in the same mood as earlier.

“I’d say let’s go back to my dorm, but my roommate is probably there,” I said, rolling my eyes to express what I thought of that.

“Would you…” Emmy started to ask.

“Would I what? Emmy, if it’s something you want to do, I want to do it, too. As long as it’s with you, I don’t care.”

“Really?” she asked, her dark face finally showing some sign of hope.

“Yes. Really. Em, I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you again, and how much I missed you.”

“Even though you had Stephanie Houk?”

“Yes. Em, I won’t lie. I loved Steph- I mean, I still do love her. But never anywhere near as much as I loved- love you. You have to understand this, Em. If given a choice between the two of you, I would choose you. Every single time, Em. Every. Single. Time.”

“Oh, Leah, I wish I could believe that,” Emmy sighed.

“Let me prove it to you somehow. Spend the night with me, Emmy. Even if it’s in my dorm room. Just… don’t leave me. I don’t want you to ever leave me again.”

“Would you like to go with me to my house?” Emmy asked, and now her hopeful expression seemed to be winning out over the defeated look she’d had since I first spotted her.

“Emmy,” I answered, “there is nothing I would like more. I just need to stop at my room to get some stuff for tomorrow, if that’s O.K.”

“Of course it is,” Emmy replied, giving me her first honest smile in over six months.

Shinju did more than a double-take when Emmy walked in the dorm room with me. In fact, it’s pretty fair to say that her jaw just about hit the floor.

“Emmy, this is my room mate, Shinju Kanawa. Shinju, this is Emmy De Lascaux,” I said, making an exaggerated introduction. “The girl I am going to marry.”

I said it as a joke, but even as the words came out of my mouth I realized that it was how I felt. The shocked looks on both the other girls’ faces took all of the seriousness from the statement, and I couldn’t help but break out laughing.

Neither Shinju or Emmy had much to say to that, so I just grabbed the clothes and books I’d need for the morning and stuffed them in my courier bag. I also reached into the corner behind my bed and grabbed Emmy’s guitar, which I hadn’t taken out of its case since before the term started.

Emmy looked surprised to see it, so I explained “I wanted to have something here that reminded me of you.”

Emmy and I hustled out with a quick “See you tomorrow” to Shinju.

“We need to go get my car,” Emmy explained as we headed back to the place I’d first spotted Emmy that afternoon.

I expected to see the Mini, but Emmy led me to this big black SUV-type thing. It was another BMW, of course, but about as far from the Mini as could be imagined. Where the Mini Cooper was cute, this thing hulked. It was obviously a very nice car, with an all black interior, leather seats, and so on, but it somehow seemed unfriendly. Even the motor somehow sounded antagonistic and combative when it roared to life.

“What happened to your other car?” I asked.

“It is still in Fallbrook,” replied Emmy as she navigated the brute of a car through the narrow streets near the university. “It is yours if you want it,” she said in a slightly bitter tone.

“What? No! Shit, Emmy. We really do need to have a long talk.” I was hurt, but there was no way I was going to let anything at all derail our getting back together.

Emmy didn’t say anything for the rest of the short ride.

She pulled the car into an underground parking garage below a two-story townhouse complex and into a spot near the far corner. We walked up a flight of stairs to a small courtyard surrounded by the four condos’ entrances. Emmy opened her door and quickly checked the security pad before disarming the alarm and ushering me in.

Realizing Emmy may not ever need to turn on the lights, I fumbled around for the switch. “Sorry,” Emmy said when she realized what I was doing. She flipped the lights on to reveal a very nice contemporary townhouse with a two-story living room. The decorations were all tasteful but somehow the place seemed empty, devoid of life. Wandering around intensified the feeling. The condo gave the impression of a showcase home. It was as if some interior decorator had picked everything out to look perfect, but no one had ever actually lived there.

“Are you hungry?” Emmy asked.

“No, I’m fine,” I replied. “I could use a shower, though,” I added.

“Of course. Up here.” I followed her up the stairs to the landing, which had three bedrooms. Emmy led me into the largest bedroom and pointed out the bathroom. “There is shampoo, and towels.”

I thought of inviting her to shower with me, but I wasn’t too sure of our footing at the moment and again I thought I’d better not presume anything. When I was done with a quick shower I wrapped myself in one of the luxurious towels from the small linen closet and went looking for Emmy.

I found her downstairs in a small home office, working on her computer. Even this room didn’t show any signs of occupation other than the textbooks on the shelf and the laptop Emmy was using.

“Em,” I asked, “How long have you lived here?”

“A little over three months,” she replied, not looking up.

I’d had about enough of Emmy’s strange passive aggressive behavior, so I knelt down next to her on the thick carpeting and turned her office chair to face me. “Emmy,” I said, “We need to talk. Let’s go upstairs.” I took her hands and pulled her up. She didn’t exactly resist, but she didn’t make it extra easy for me, either. Exasperated, I muttered “O.K., you asked for it,” and reached around and scooped her up in my arms. I was amazed at how light she seemed as I carried her out of the room. Emmy tried to hide it, but I could see a smile trying to make itself known. Encouraged, I carried her up the stairs and into the large bedroom and dropped her on the bed. Figuring that it was all or nothing at this point, I pulled off my towel and got exactly the reaction I wanted. Emmy’s eyes went wide as she looked at my body, and when I saw her bite her lip I knew it was working. I pulled off her shoes, then crawled up on to the bed and straddled her. I slowly removed her clothes, giving her every opportunity to stop me if she wanted, but she didn’t protest my attentions at all.

When I finally had her naked, I pulled the covers up and over her, turned out the lights, then climbed into bed. I reached over and wrapped my arms around Emmy’s slender body and nestled her into mine, spooning her the way we used to do.

“This,” I sighed. “This is what I’ve wanted more than anything else, ever. Just this.”

Emmy relaxed into my embrace and pushed herself into me, getting as close as humanly possible. “Me, too,” Emmy whispered.

I didn’t want to talk, even though I’d said we needed to do so. I just wanted to inhale the smell of Emmy’s hair, and feel the warmth of her skin against mine. The familiar feel of her heartbeat under my hand was the most beautiful thing I could ever imagine, and I wanted that moment to last forever. Emmy fell asleep almost immediately, and I followed soon after.

When the alarm clock on my phone went off (way too early, like always) I gently moved Emmy’s head off my shoulder and on to the pillow and slid out of bed. Emmy was as sound a sleeper as ever, so I quietly dressed and went downstairs. I grabbed her phone and used it to call mine so I’d have her number, then left a note telling her I wanted to have lunch with her and she should call me at a little after ten after my workout. I wrote “I Love You” on the bottom of the note, then walked the half a mile to the gym, happier than I’d been in a long time.

I felt great at the workout, and it must have showed. At the second break Coach Burke pulled me aside and said “Farmer, you’re doing great today. Your new girlfriend seems to be having a positive effect on you.”

Blushing, I stammered “Umm… Uh…” but he just chuckled and asked “What, did you think it wasn’t obvious?” Then he blew his whistle to call everybody to the court for our next drills.

Emmy called while I was in the shower, leaving me a message that she would love to have lunch with me. We texted back and forth and settled on the Thai place that Donny had introduced me to.

Lunch was a bit awkward. Neither of us really knew what to say, so we pretty much didn’t say anything at all. Emmy just pushed her food around on her plate and barely ate a bite.

Eventually, I couldn’t stand the tension any longer, and realizing that if anything were going to happen it would be up to me, I asked “Do you have any classes this afternoon?”

When Emmy answered no, I suggested “In that case, let’s go back to your place and have that talk we didn’t get to last night.”

Emmy’s car didn’t seem quite so ominous in the daylight, but it still was one heck of a monster, looking as if it were lunging forward even when standing still. It was all metallic black with huge low-profile rims and windows tinted so dark you couldn’t see in. The inside had seemed all black the night before, but somehow the daylight made it appear even darker. It struck me as so opposite the Emmy I was used to- this thing was a macho beast of a car, not fun and playful like the Mini had been.

Wanting to break the mood, I reached for the stereo. “Do you mind if I put on some music?” I asked. Emmy shook her head no, so I turned it on. “What discs do you have in it?” I asked.

“None,” Emmy replied, keeping her eyes on the road.

Surprised by that, I looked to see what the presets were on the satellite radio, but none had been programmed. Puzzled, I asked “How long have you had this car, Em?”

“Three months. Since moving here to Stanford.”

It struck me that something must really be wrong if Emmy hadn’t even ever turned on her car stereo since she’d owned it. By that time we were pulling in to the condo’s parking garage, so I gave up on the music.

After Emmy carefully checked the alarm, I entered the townhouse and really looked around this time. I looked in the fridge, which was basically empty. I then looked pretty much everywhere, and nowhere in the entire house was there any stereo, no CDs, no guitars (besides the acoustic I’d brought from my dorm room), nothing. No sign of music at all.

Emmy just stood and watched, that same defeated look in her eyes, not asking what I was doing. It was as if she simply couldn’t muster up the effort to even care, or be curious at all.

I have to be honest- I was really starting to wonder what was going on. “Emmy, you’ve lived here for three months, right? Since just before the term started?” When she nodded yes, I continued “But this house shows no real sign that anybody has been living here. None of the stuff I would expect to see of yours, that’s for sure. What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

Her lack of inflection and those empty eyes were haunting me, and all I knew is that I wanted the girl with that spark back. The girl I’d fallen in love with was in love with life, alive and vibrant. This strange, sad version of Emmy seemed to lack all of that, and I hated it.

“Emmy” I said. “Come with me.” I took her by the hand and led her upstairs to the master bedroom. She didn’t resist when I stripped off her clothes and lowered to the bed, but she did say, “I thought you wanted to talk.”

“I do” I replied, as I got naked and slid under the covers with her. I pulled her into my arms and said, “I do want to talk, but here’s the thing. I want us to talk about things that matter. About us. About our relationship, and what’s happened and what we’re going to do. And it seems to me that the best way to have this conversation is like this, just the two of us. Last night, sleeping with you in my arms, was the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, Em-”

“Me, too,” she interrupted in a soft voice.

“And I want to have our talk like this, so we can focus on what’s really important.”

“What is really important, Leah?” asked Emmy, in a small voice.

“This, Em. This, right here, you and me. This is the most important thing in the world to me. I would give up everything else in a moment if I could trade it for us being together.”

“Do you really mean that?” Emmy asked, her voice hopeful.

Burying my face in her hair, squeezing her too thin body against mine, I whispered “Absolutely, positively. I want this more than anything in the world.”

“What about Stephanie?”

“It’s going to be hard to break it to her,” I replied. It was the truth, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.

“What will you tell her?”

“I’m going to tell her the truth. That I’ve got you back, and it’s over,” I replied.

“Is that the truth? Do you have me back?” asked Emmy, pulling away so she could look me in the face.

“God, I hope so, Em. I want you back more than anything,” I replied, tears welling up in my eyes again. “More than anything, ever” I whispered, my voice thick and husky.

“Is it over with Stephanie? Are you choosing me over her?” Emmy asked, uncertainty in her eyes.

“Yes. Yes, Em. Yes. I’m not going to lie and say I never loved her, but I never, ever loved her as much as I love you.” With this, I pulled her to me and kissed her, hungry for confirmation that I did in fact have her love back. When she responded with tenderness, I felt a part of my heart open up, a part that had been locked up tight for over six months, a part that had been licking its wounds since Emmy disappeared into that terrible night. We held each other for hours, not saying or doing much, just being as close as we possibly could get.

Later that evening we went out for dinner at a little French restaurant in town. Emmy helped me pick out something from the menu that I wouldn’t find too weird, and for dessert, we had chocolate torte.

“This isn’t anywhere as good as Marie-Anne’s,” I said, and Emmy nodded her head in agreement. She’d hardly eaten a bite during dinner, and even when I fed her bites of torte she seemed uninterested. I’d noticed she was past the point of merely slender and well into the range of way too skinny and it bothered me. I hated to see her not taking care of herself, and was hatching a vague plan to bring her back to the way she used to be- outgoing, energetic, but most important of all, happy.

After dinner we stopped by my dorm room so I could grab some more clothes. I left Shinju a note telling her I wouldn’t be back that night, and we returned to Emmy’s townhouse.

We slept spooned together, just like we used to do. Emmy’s body fit perfectly with mine, same as it always had. Even though we were as close as it was physically possible to get, there was still a big gulf between us. Sure, we were naked in bed together, but Emmy had given me no hint she was ready to return all the way to the relationship we’d had before, and didn’t respond to my touch in a way that led me to think she was in the mood for love making. There was no way I was going to push matters- besides, just having Emmy back in my arms was enough for now. The physical side of things would hopefully return with time.