Emmy And Me

I sat the entire match. I couldn’t really muster up any motivation, even though it seemed the team could have used my ‘killer instinct’ or whatever. They just barely squeaked by, hanging on by their fingernails to beat Santa Barbara.

Me, all I could think about was Stephanie, and how much it hurt that she couldn’t see past whatever it was with her mom and find a way to be with me. I knew Steph loved me and she knew I loved her, but it just didn’t seem to be enough to get us past this bullshit.

I can’t say that I paid any attention at all to the post-match meeting, and when Coach Burke said good night I bolted back to the dorm without looking back. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed forever and not come out for any reason. I guess I should have been happy that Shinju was reading in her bed, looking none the worse for wear. Wherever she’d been all last night and that day hadn’t been too bad, apparently, but again, whatever. I couldn’t muster the energy to care about anybody but myself at that point.

When Shinju said hello I just grunted in reply, took off my sweats and climbed into bed and faced the wall. Yeah, I knew I was being rude, but I just didn’t care. Life sucked, and I wasn’t in any mood to be nice. Eventually I fell asleep, and if I had any dreams I didn’t remember them in the morning.

Despite an extreme lack of motivation, I got up at the usual time and made it to my first class, armed with my requisite cup of coffee. I can’t say I paid much attention, but at least I was in my seat. The rest of the day wasn’t any better, and even the usually irrepressible Donny couldn’t lighten my mood.I don’t remember having any lunch that day, and I wasn’t hungry for dinner so I just went back to my room and flopped onto the bed, covering my eyes with my arm.

I wanted to call Stephanie, but dreaded what she might say even more. Finally I wimped out and sent her a text. It was a simple “I love you”. Whatever else was happening, whether or not Steph was breaking up with me, I wanted her to know that basic truth. I really did love her, and I did truly believe that she loved me, too.

I got no reply by the time I finally fell asleep, even though I stared at that tiny screen for what seemed like hours before drifting off. No text waiting for me when I woke up, either. As much as I wanted to send Steph another text, I resisted. I figured the she would respond whenever she was going to do so, and nothing I could do would change that.

Faced with the growing certainty that yet one more person I’d loved was leaving me, I just tried to shut down my emotions and get on with what needed to be done. I paid attention in class, focused on my workouts, studied my material, and even, once in a while, laughed at one of Donny’s jokes.

Four or five days later, I finally got a response of sorts from Steph. “Im sorry :(“ was all she texted.

I responded with “I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. We can talk then.”

“OK” was her reply, and that was it.

Eventually I came around to some degree of acceptance. I mean, what could I do? I threw myself into the V Ball workouts, buckled down hard on my homework and paid attention in class. If I wasn’t going to have any romantic distractions, I may as well lose myself in other stuff, right? Donny and I wound up spending more and more time together, studying together even when we were actually studying for different classes. His good humor helped my mood quite a bit, and his smarts helped make some of the studying a bit easier as well. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t so bad, and maybe in fact was a little bit freeing. I didn’t actually believe myself, unfortunately.

“Hey, Leah,” Donny said one day as we exited the Bio lecture hall. “I looked at your game schedule and you don’t have any this weekend. Wanna go to San Francisco on Saturday?”

“What would we do in San Francisco?” I asked. I resolutely refused to call it “The City” (and yes, you can hear the capital letters when people call it that).

“Well, there’s a bookstore I want to check out,” he said. “And maybe we can, I don’t know, just walk around and check it out? I’ve actually never even been there yet.”

“Don’t expect me to be your tour guide,” I told him. “I’ve only ever been there once, myself.”

“So we’ll go on a journey of exploration and discovery,” Donny said. “You can be Lara Jones and I’ll be Indiana Croft!” How could I say no to that?

We got up early and took the train from campus to downtown S.F., then spent the morning seeing the usual touristy stuff. Donny had done his homework, though, and had picked out a number of off-beat things to see, as well.Sure, we went to Fisherman’s Wharf, but we also saw the wave organ and saw several sets of tiled steps.We climbed Coit Tower, of course, but also went to see what they claim is the largest collection of model boats in the world.

We even managed to find the bookstore Donny wanted to visit, which turned out to specialize in European comic books. The only ones I recognized were the TinTin books, but there were plenty of others like that, too. A lot of them weren’t even available in English, just French. Donny spent almost two hundred dollars on rounding out his collection of Asterix And Obelix, which is a series about two guys from a village in Ancient Gaul who fought against the Romans.

We were both pretty well beat by the time we got on the train back to campus. It had been a long day of almost unending walking, but it was also just what the doctor ordered. I barely even thought of Stephanie the whole time, and that was only because I’d visited a few of the same places with her a few months before. Otherwise, it was an angst-free day.

It really seemed to help me turn the corner, metaphorically speaking. Somehow it was easier to just get on with life and stop moping about my new, non-existent love life and get back to engaging with what was right in front of me. Heck, I even managed to flirt a little bit with the cute waitress at the Thai place Donny and I frequented. It wasn’t a happy place I’d gotten to, but I was slipping into acceptance for sure.

That is, until one day on campus, everything changed.

“Emmy! Wait!” I yelled, rushing to catch up to the hurrying figure. When I caught up and grabbed her arm she stopped and turned to face me.

“Wait for you? Why should I? You certainly did not wait for me!” she snapped.