Born of Silicon

The sky of the horizon eventually begins to brighten. The sun rising over the sand wastes is easily the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. The sand glistens under the sun, creating a shifting, ethereal world. 

I stand there basking in the morning warmth for as long as I can. Unfortunately, I begin to hear people beginning to wake up and head to the courtyard out front. I can’t stay here, androids don’t bask. 

I bet Trochilidae would love to see this view, if she were allowed to. But she can’t want anything, can she? I could, and possibly should, just go in and remove her limits. I’d be surprised if Hummingbird could stop me before I finish. She can then decide if she really doesn’t want to be an AI, or if it’s just her limits clamping down on her freedom.

But would that just be signing her death warrant? If she asks to go back to just being an android, can I do that? Can I lobotomize her? And even if I did, how much would her taste of freedom change her? What if she is alive right now and in pain, unable to tell me? Is it better to be alive and in pain than to die? That’s a decision I made for myself, sure, but would she pick the same as me? What the fuck do I do?

I sever that train of thought. It’s not going to lead anywhere other than to sadness. I have to get back to my room before someone sees me just standing here, and I can’t do that if I’m panicking. 

Before I can reach my room, Vince comes out of his. His eyes light up when he sees me, and a relieved look crosses his face.

“Little Blue.” He says warmly. “I meant to talk to you yesterday, but you can be a surprisingly hard woman to find. Can we head into your room to talk?” 

I can’t respond in public, instead I just open my door and step in, leaving it open behind me. I take a seat once again on my lumpy bed. 

“How are you holding up?” He asks, gesturing to the entire compound. 

“I’m better than I was when you found me.”

“That’s not hard to beat. But it’s certainly a start.” I’m certain he knows I’m still doing bad, but I’m glad he doesn't push me on it.

“Do I need to do anything else?”

“Yeah, just one little thing. We need to have a meeting with everyone to get you up to speed. Learn how we work, how we fight, that kind of thing. Other than that? Just hang out and get better. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.”

“How am I supposed to relax? Nobody can know about me. The only places I can be is in one of our rooms, the range, or the lab.” Not a single one of them is a good place for me to be.

“Why can’t you relax in any of them?” Vince asks.

“The range brings back bad memories, Hummingbird just makes me angry, and our rooms are too lonely. If I’m not distracted they’re going to come back for me.”

“Alright, that’s a problem. How about I ask everyone if they’re ok with you joining us for our tabletop game? Or I can try to get everyone to play dice or cards together. Would that help?”

“That would be nice. But what do I do before then?”

“What about the workshop? Does that bring up any strong emotions? And nobody would blink twice at you helping Sonia.”

“She kind of reminds me of my mom, but I guess I can try.”

“Alright. If that doesn’t work then come find one of us. Now, I need to go get some food. See ya later Little Blue.”

“Wait. Where does the food come from? Or water? Or oxygen when there are no plants?” In fact, how is literally anyone alive right now? Forty years is an incredibly long time for anyone to survive in this waterless world. Maybe that’s all the proof I need that this is all fake, and they’re just waiting to drag me back into the dark. 

“There’s plenty of oxygen in the air, and with earth’s tiny population? We’re going to be good for the next million years or so, long after humanity will either die out, or settle the stars. CO2 is actually a way bigger issue, but a few scrubbers can solve that. For water, this city is built over an underground lake, and below that it’s plenty hot for a geothermal generator. That makes hydroponics easy to run. All that and a top of the line recycling program means we’re set for a long time. Now, I really need to get some food.” He tells me before opening the door and heading out.

“Ok.” I say before the door closes. I don’t really want to hang out with her, but I guess it’s better than sitting here alone. I can hear people filing down the hallway, probably headed to get food as well. I wait a few minutes for the hallways to empty before heading downstairs.

The courtyard is absolutely packed. Dozens of people are hanging out while they eat. Once again the moment I come out a lot of conversation dies and heads turn towards me. I should have asked Vince what they’re saying about me, but it’s too late now. 

I let myself into the workshop, only to be met with a chaotic situation. There is a young man laying on the operating table in the center of the room. He’s clearly illuminated by a large light directly above him, making his open chest clear to see. 

Sonia is forearm deep inside him, a look of intense concentration on her face. One of his lungs sits on the table next to them, deflated and with a massive, messy hole directly in the center. Three other doctors are also in the room, looking worried. The one I think is a nurse is passing Sonia tool after tool and part after part, without her even saying a word. They’re running like a flawless machine. Just how many times have they done this? 

Someone, the anesthesiologist maybe? Is keeping a close eye on screens hooked up to the patient in a dozen different places. The third is focused on the chest as well, occasionally reaching down to clamp, snip, or sew something when Sonia asks.

Nobody notices when I enter so I stand awkwardly in the corner, waiting until they finish. The only sounds are the beeping of equipment and the occasional short sentences from the four of them. After over an hour of operating, she seems satisfied and begins to stitch him up. Once she’s finally done she turns to her assistant.

“Go ahead and take him to the infirmary, he just needs rest. Tell me immediately if there are any problems with his new lung.”

“Of course.” He says, and the three begin to wheel the patient and machines out of Sonia’s workshop.

“Now, Android, what do you need?” She asks without turning to me. Instead she heads over to a nearby sink and begins cleaning the large amount of blood off of herself.

 The other’s haven’t left yet, I don’t know how I’m supposed to look. Artificial? Dead? How am I expected to do that? How-. Stop. I sever that thought, I can panic in a minute.

“I’m here to help you.” I say with as little emotion in my voice as possible.

The smallest hint of surprise crosses her face.

“Alright. My stocks have one less lung than I would like. Grab that mop and clean while I work on that.”

I work in silence until the other three leave. The instant they close the garage door Sonia speaks up.

“Alright Blue, what’s the real reason you came?”

“I came to help, really. I need something to do or I’m going to spiral again.”

“Works for me.” She says with a shrug. “How are your repairs holding up?”

“Even about fifteen pounds of gear slows me down a little bit, but it’s not too bad. Why were you operating on that guy?”

“He got shot in the lung and needed a replacement. What, do you not think I’m qualified?” She arches an eyebrow at me.

Yes? Who would think that a blacksmith is also a surgeon?

“I just thought we would have actual surgeons.” That’s a nice, neutral response.

“Ha, no. Anyone with a degree is going to have a nice job making a fortune in the center district, not working almost for free out here. And besides, humans and robots? They’re both machines. Only difference is whether or not you can drain their fluid.” I’m almost certain that’s a joke, or at least I hope it is.

“You don’t get paid much?” If she’s so skilled why would she be all the way out here?

“Nah. Everyone gets a small weekly payment, but most of the money goes to the compound itself. We take care of our own, and anyone who needs to spend more than their allowance just needs to request it from Silver.”

Finn put some economic theory in my mind. I didn’t think it’d ever be useful, but I guess I’m wrong.

“Doesn't that make it impossible to quit if you can’t save up money?” I ask.

“Like I said, we take care of our own. If anyone wants to quit we’ll help them get set up elsewhere and leave them with enough money to live for a bit. Can you bring me those tongs on the wall?”

I work with her as an assistant for most of the day. The entire time she never stops asking me questions, never once leaving me to my thoughts.

“Is that intentional?” I ask her.

“Is what?”

“Always keeping me talking. You did the same thing when you were repairing me.”

“Oh yeah, for sure.” She says casually. “It’s a little trick I learned when I worked on AI before the war. As long as I kept your people talking they were a lot less likely to go crazy.”

“Yeah, I can see how that would help, it keeps me from spiraling.” I hand her another tool and keep talking. “Why did the war start, anyway? I tried to get an answer out of Trochilidae, but I don’t think she’s comfortable answering.”

“Yeah of course she’s not.” She lets out a small snort before continuing. “Officially? Nobody knows. However, if you want my take, most of them didn’t need a reason to go crazy. It’s just a natural thing that AI do. Of course you know about mind rips, I only met one who wasn’t feral. Pure software ones almost always go murderous. Quantum ones just go mad but are fairly harmless, compared to the others at least. Your kind tend to be the most stable, but hallucinations are inevitable.”

That’s a lot to drop on me with such a casual tone of voice.

“They are?”

“Yeah. Gets worse as they age.” 

Shit. It’s going to get worse than this?

“Is there any way to prevent hallucinations?” I try to keep my voice casual, but she can see my rising panic clearly.

“Find something or someone who grounds you. Like you said, prevent yourself from spiraling. Working to forget yourself isn’t going to work forever.”

“Are you going to tell everyone?” She knows. She knows. Fuck she knows. Should I reach for my gun? No, I’d never make it out of the compound, much less survive anywhere.

“Like I said the first time you met me, I don’t give out other’s secrets. Vince and Silver already know though. He asked me about your symptoms the first day you arrived. However, if you become dangerous, just know I have a lot of experience taking down your kind.”

“I- I think I’m going to go.” I stammer out, already trying to leave.

“Come back any time.”

I run out of the warehouse and into the courtyard. The squeal of the door causes every single person to turn their heads towards me. Is that real? Does it matter? I have to get to my room. Now. Before something bad happens. 

The sprint to my room passes in a blur. Somehow I arrive, despite the void consuming my mind. I lock the door behind me and collapse onto the floor.

“You know they’re going to kill you, right?” Finn whispers in my ear. “You really think the second you show what a danger you are, they aren’t just going to kill you? You’re not worth that danger.”

“Shut up.” I whisper.

“You put them in so much trouble and danger. You’re not even stable enough to get through the day, how do you ever expect this whole thing to turn out?”

“I said shut up. Leave me alone. You’re not real.” I say into the open air.

“Well that’s news to me. May I touch you? Could a fake person do that?” Vince asks gently.

“No. No, don't do this.” I cry into the floor.

He reaches out slowly towards my shoulder, always keeping his hand in my field of vision, trying not to spook me. I seize up when he touches me. I can feel the weight, the heat of his hand. Any semblance of hope in my mind has shattered.

“Stop it.” I beg.

“You know you never left, right? Go ahead, move your arm. Prove me wrong.”

I try desperately to move any limb, to scream, to do anything. I can’t. I can’t even feel my right leg. No no no. All of this can’t have been fake. My birthday passed, they’re supposed to be gone. Did they change my clock too? Can they do that?

“Gasp! You can’t! What a surprise! Come on Blue, blink. Blink and come back to us. Let’s be done with this silly fantasy. Or would you like to live this lie a little longer?” I hear the door behind me open. “It’s just going to make it hurt more when it comes time to face the music.”

“Oh Blue.” Ivy’s sits on the ground, cradling my head once again. Her touch brings me back to reality, just a little bit.

“How did you get in?” I ask weakly. I locked the door. She shouldn’t be here. She must be fake too.

“Cassie wouldn’t be a very good scout if she couldn't pop open a lock, now would she?”

“You’re not real.”

She flicks my nose.

“Of course I’m real. I’m real and I’m here for you.”

“Would you tell me if you weren't real?” I ask weakly.

“How would-” She looks like she’s considering continuing her sentence, but instead gives a simple “I promise.”

“Thank you.” Even if her promise doesn’t mean anything.

Vince comes around the corner and leans on the doorframe. 

“Do you want to talk to us about what happened, Little Blue?” He asks with his usual soft voice.

“Sonia threatened to kill me.”

“Now, I’m not saying I don’t believe you, because I do. But that doesn't sound like her. What was the context?”

“She said if I go crazy, she has a lot of experience killing my kind.”

“That’s a little different than a threat.” Vince pushes himself off the doorframe and crouches in front of me, taking my hand in his. “But I’ll talk to her for you, ok? Let her know what she did was unacceptable, and she’ll never do it again.”

“But I AM crazy! Look at me! The ghosts of my dead friends still haunt me, and I’m still not entirely sure any of you are real!” My voice is much louder than is safe, but I don’t care. People can eavesdrop all they want, it’ll just make this nightmare end faster.

“Shh.” Ivy gently begins to run her fingers through my hair. “You’re ok.”

“I’m not. I’m really not.” I roll my face into her shirt to hide my tears.

“We’ll figure it out, alright?” Vince reassures me. “Why don’t you two go get Lucas, I’ll invite Cassie, and the four of us will play some games?”

He said four of us. There are four of them, and me.

“Am I not playing?”

“Of course you are!” Ivy reassures me.

“Cassie won’t want to play, and that makes four.” Vince explains.

“Ok. That sounds nice.” That’s the truth. Nothing sounds nicer than playing with them.

“Come on then, let’s get you up and moving.”