Be a girl

I didn’t speak to my family much for the rest of the weekend. I kept to my room for almost the entirety of Sunday, playing on my computer. James had tried to get me to play some games with him, but I dismissed him. I wanted to be left alone. I needed time to myself.

I would like to say I needed this time to process the events of the previous few days, but that would be a huge lie. I wanted to forget, and so I distracted myself with anything I could find, whether that be games, or watching YouTube. I wished I were able to reverse time to before everything happened, hoping that things could return to normal. But there was no normal anymore. I was truly a freak now. I knew I was already a freak, but this really sealed the deal. Dad and James had been changed against their will, and there was nothing any of us could do about it.

How could I continue living a normal life henceforth? Sure, my life was far from ideal before. Well, quite frankly it was shit. But at least I wasn’t capable of drastically changing the course of another’s life within a split second. Was there any point in even continuing?

What had even kept me going previously? I already hated my life; I had no friends, and Jesse and his goons were constantly making my life hell. Though they were now gone from my life. That was the only good thing that had come from all this. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a little bad for what I’d done to Jesse. His influence on my life was over now, but my influence on his would haunt him forever. I didn’t want to be like him: a ruiner of others’ lives, but I was well past that point now.

But did Jesse being gone really matter for me in the long run? Summer holidays had always been a respite from the torment, and then it would begin anew once the new school year came around again. I wouldn’t be going back to the same horrible institute next year, but would that really change things? I’d still have no friends, and I’d be surrounded by hundreds of complete strangers, any of whom could be my next bully. Any of whom could potentially be far worse than Jesse and his cronies.

Again, what was the point? My dad was in a state worse than ever. Even if I didn’t blame myself like he had asked, I was still the cause. I couldn’t deny that it was an accident though. I didn’t even know why I was suddenly able to transform people in the first place. Was it some sort of divine punishment? Were the gods laughing at me for my horrible life, and then decide to make it worse as a joke? That was what it felt like. I wasn’t even religious. I hadn’t ever believed in any sort of god before. But now my own life was direct evidence of supernatural occurrences, so the prospect of gods existing no longer seemed so far-fetched.

Who was I kidding? I couldn’t end my life. I was too much of a coward. I had never taken deliberate action to hurt another person, so how could I expect to do it to myself? Maybe this was part of the gods’ practical joke. Omniscient beings beyond human comprehension capable of granting unnatural abilities to humans, doing so purely for a laugh. Just. Why me?

When Monday rolled around, I saw James off as he returned to school. We all made sure that he understood that no one at his school could know about what had happened over the past few days. Especially what had happened to him. He deserved a better life than me. He didn’t deserve to be picked on for something out of his control. As far as anyone at his school was aware, he was just an ordinary boy.

I knew that mum would head to work immediately after dropping James off, which left me alone with dad. Understandably, he was taking the day off sick. I was almost certain he had refrained from mentioning to his work what exactly his illness was. I wondered how long he was going to keep calling in sick. Would he eventually return to work? Or would he simply use up all his sick days and then quit so that none of his colleagues would find out about him? I didn’t know, and it wasn’t my place to ask him. He wasn’t stupid; he’d figure something out for sure.

Once again, I shut myself away in my room, wanting to be left alone. Not that my wishes would be granted; they never were. I heard Dad enter my room – without knocking – and sit down on my bed. I kept my eyes firmly on my computer screen, pretending as though I was unaware of his presence.

“So, I was thinking, Ben, that we should walk down to the coffee shop and get something to drink,” he said.

It was still strange hearing that foreign voice and knowing that it belonged to my own father. I turned to face him. He was wearing a button up vest, three-quarter length pants, and sandals. Both the vest and pants were a light grey. Very boring, but I would never expect him to wear bright colours. The sandals surprised me; I’d never seen him wear sandals before. He usually wore thongs this time of year. Granted, thongs technically were a type of sandal, but I never really thought of them as such. The whole outfit was probably mum’s idea, and he just went along with it, hoping not to stand out too much.

It did make him look rather feminine. Aside from the masculine hairstyle, he looked almost like one would expect a middle aged white woman to look. That was likely the idea, to blend in and not stand out. Dad gave me his best attempt at a smile, but it appeared forced.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I asked tentatively, “Going outside? After… you know…” I waved my hand in a vague gesture, referring to the elephant in the room. I didn’t want to go outside on the best of days, let alone now, knowing what I was capable of.

“Well, I need a coffee, and I want to take a walk to help clear my head, and I think you should join me. I don’t want you cooped up in your room forever. Besides, you’ve got gloves now, so we won’t have to worry about any accidents hereafter. Hopefully.”

“What about you? Are you sure you want to go out like this?”

“What about me? As far as everyone else is concerned, we’ll just be a mother and son going out for some coffee. Nothing out of the ordinary. And unlike you, I can’t remain holed up in my room day in, day out. I can’t do anything about my situation, so there’s no point delaying the inevitable. This is my new normal now. I have to get used to it. Besides, we’ll be the only ones in the know. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

I sighed. I didn’t want to argue so I figured I might as well go along to the coffee shop. He wouldn’t let me get out of this easily. Path of least resistance and all that. “Ok, I’ll go,” I said.

Dad slapped his hands on his knees and lifted himself off my bed. “Alright, let us away!” he announced, making a small flourish with his hand and pointing his index finger toward the roof. Glad to know his mannerisms hadn’t been affected.

I slipped my feet into my thongs and followed shortly after my father. I made sure to lock the door on the way of the house, since my dad would always forget to do something like that. If I had exited first, he probably would have left the door wide open. He’d done that on more than one occasion. Luckily for him we normally exited out of the back door, so any potential burglars walking by wouldn’t notice as they passed the house. But still. How could he forget something like that?

The thongs clapped at my heels as I rushed to catch up to dad, who had gone off on his own without bothering to check that I was following. He hadn’t gone too far ahead, but I’d rather walk beside him than ten metres behind.

“So…” I said hesitantly, scratching at the back of my head, “how are you holding up?” I glanced down at him, another foreign experience I would now need to get used to. All my life he’d been taller than me, so for him to suddenly be shorter was weird to say the least.

“I’m supposed to be the one worrying about you, not the other way round,” dad replied.

“How can I not worry about you after the state you were in on the weekend?” I asked. “I’d never seen you so miserable before.”

“I’ll be fine, Ben,” he replied, waving his hand dismissively. “Leave the worrying to me. I’ll learn to deal with… this.” He motioned at his body. “Why don’t you tell me about what’s going on in your head instead?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I turned my head away from him sharply, focusing my vision instead on the foliage beside us.

“Keeping everything bottled up inside you will only exacerbate your problems, and you’re clearly dealing with a lot. The dam gets fuller and fuller, until it can no longer hold anymore, and it collapses. You don’t want everything to come crashing down like that. It’s not pretty, nor is it healthy.”

He was probably right. Although I couldn’t help but note the hypocrisy. Still, I should say something, just to ease his mind a little. Not everything. Under no circumstances could I tell him everything. Certain thoughts of mine belonged inside my mind and should never be let out.

I inhaled deeply then let my breath slowly escape my lungs. “I just… feel like a freak.”

Dad wrapped one of his arms around me in a side hug and pulled me closer to him, all without breaking stride. I winced in pain. Although I wasn’t in constant pain anymore, my bruises were still rather sensitive. Dad thankfully noticed my discomfort and withdrew his arm.

“It’s a rough situation we find ourselves in,” he mused, “I wish I could help more. Just know that you will never be a freak in my eyes, even if you have trouble believing it for yourself.”

I knew that he was trying his best to comfort me, but we both knew that it wasn’t going to help. How could it? In order for me to stop feeling like a freak, the issues that caused it would need to be solved, and words of comfort could do nothing in that regard.

I didn’t mention that I’d felt like a freak for far longer than just these past few days. I didn’t want to worry dad any more than I already had. It wasn’t fair to him that he was worrying about me when he had his own problems to deal with. Problems I caused. I wouldn’t be able to change his mind though. I was glad though that he never once got mad at me for what I did. Who even knew where I’d be if I didn’t have him in my life. I didn’t want to think about it.

“Thanks, dad” I sighed.

He placed his arm in front of me as a sign to stop walking. He turned to me and sighed. “I think while out in public you should stop calling me dad. I know it’ll be weird for both of us, but I’d rather not stand out amongst strangers. I hardly look like your dad anymore.”

“Ok, uhhh, mum,” I said. Dad sighed again and smiled at me. I could see a hint of pain in his eyes, but I didn’t say anything.

We then restarted our walk toward the coffee shop. At this point it was within sight, and it didn’t take us much longer to reach its front doors. Both of us knew, without even saying it, that we needed to drop our previous conversation once we approached the public space. I certainly didn’t want strangers knowing about what a freak of nature I was, and I was sure dad didn’t want those around us to know the truth about his identity.

The coffee shop was a quaint little building resting at the corner of two streets. There were a few others inside, going about their business; chatting, drinking coffee, reading the newspaper and whatnot. No one paid us any mind as we entered, for which I was glad.

We approached the counter and ordered our drinks. I didn’t pay much attention to what dad ordered. I didn’t care, and I hated coffee anyway. All the different varieties didn’t matter to me. I ordered an iced chocolate, making sure it was known that I wanted both cream and ice cream.

We found ourselves a table and waited for our drinks to be delivered. Dad frequented this coffee shop, so he was a familiar face around here. Except, not anymore. This time, no one had recognised him, for understandable reasons. I was sure that weirded him out a bit. I on the other hand only been here a couple other times in the past, so no one knew me anyway.

“So,” he began, “What’s today’s science fact of the day?”

I thought for a moment, trying to come up with something interesting to tell my dad. It was always difficult having to say provide something like this unprompted; I preferred it when something was already on my mind which I simply had to tell someone.

After a brief while, I had thought of something to say. “So, you know how when something moves faster than the speed of sound, it creates a sonic boom?” I asked.

“Of course,” dad replied, nodding.

“Well, a similar phenomenon occurs when something moves faster than light!” I explained enthusiastically.

Dad raised an eyebrow at me. “I was under the impression that nothing could move faster than light. Einstein said as much.”

I smirked at him, “Yes, but only in a vacuum. When light moves through a medium such as water or glass, it travels slower than usual. For example, water has a refractive index of approximately one and a third, meaning that light moves at about three quarters its usual speed through water. What that means is that it’s possible for particles to travel through water at a speed faster than light does. So, when that happens, it creates a photonic boom!” I grinned at him as I finished my brief explanation.

Dad chuckled at my enthusiasm. “I’d never thought about that before, but it makes sense.”

“Well, technically it’s called Cherenkov radiation,” I added, “but photonic boom sounds cooler. They actually use this phenomenon to detect neutrinos in the Antarctic. There’s a giant array – approximately one cubic kilometre – of detectors drilled into the ice. When a muon neutrino interacts with the ice – a very rare occurrence – it becomes into a muon, travelling at close to c. It then produces Cherenkov radiation as it whizzes through the ice, which is picked up by the detectors.”

Dad looked quite stunned at my explanation, shaking his head. “How on Earth do you know that?” he inquired. I shrugged. I could never remember where I got all my information from. It was usually a matter of me stumbling upon something interesting and reading into it a little bit, before moving onto the next thing that piqued my interest.

At that moment, both our drinks arrived, and we thanked the waiter for their service. I pulled the extra long spoon out of the tall glass that contained my beverage and ran my mouth along the handle to remove the liquid stuck to it, so that I could actually use the spoon.

“So, how’s the exam study going?” dad asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

“What study?” I chuckled, delivering a spoonful of ice cream to my mouth.

Dad frowned. “You really should think about studying for your exams. Eventually you’ll reach a point where you can no longer coast through your education.”

“It’s year 11 exams,” I scoffed, “They’ll be easy, and I’ll get A’s on all of them without a single second of study. Besides, it’s not like they matter in the long run. Year 12 exams are the only ones that are actually important, and I won’t have to worry about them for a whole year. Plus, I was expelled anyway, so these exams matter even less!”

Concerned appeared on dad’s face though he didn’t say anything. He’d known for a long time that I’d never studied for a test, simply because I never needed to. Which is why he nagged me around this time of year for the past several years.

“That’s not a healthy mindset to have,” he commented. I shrugged. I didn’t care. Knowing it was a fruitless endeavour, dad refrain from further nagging.

We both chatted about nothing really important as we consumed our beverages. The important topics were very much best left unsaid in such a public space, and we both knew it.

As we left the coffee shop, dad made a passing remark about how it was fun. Maybe he was right. For a brief while, he had distracted me from my problems by nudging me toward doing something I enjoyed: telling people all the weird and wonderful things I’d learnt about the world. For a time, I’d almost forgotten about recent events. Almost.

Zema

Ben is so physics brain.