Be a girl

I clenched my eyes shut, clutching at the sides of my head, shaking, panicking, hyperventilating. I had transformed my brother yesterday, and now my father was transforming right next to me. As far as I was aware, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just had to sit there and watch.

No, I couldn’t watch. I didn’t want to see my own father essentially turn into a whole different person appearance wise in real time. I’d eventually have to look at what had become of him after the transformation ended, but I simply could not bear to watch while it was still in progress.

Why had it happened? Think. It was right after dad and I did our pinky swear. Was it because I’d touched him? It seemed that way. That was… extremely fucked up. I couldn’t touch anyone without changing their sex. Was I supposed to simply forgo all physical contact from now on? How was I supposed to live like that?

But wait, dad touched my chin and exposed knee earlier, so it wasn’t just any physical contact. Same thing with Jesse. He slapped me in the face, and nothing happened… until he snatched my sandwich from my hand, brushing my hand with his own in the process.

Ok, so it must only be my hands then. That at least makes it possible to avoid accidents, though that meant covering up my hands from now on. So long as no one can make direct skin contact with them I should be fine, right? I hoped as much.

Wait, mum grabbed my hands earlier today when she was consoling me, and she was completely fine. And James didn’t change back after I ruffled his hair earlier today. Ugh, that must have been how he changed in the first place; I ruffled his hair before I left for school yesterday.

Based on that, the transformation must only be one way then: male to female. Which also meant that those I changed would be stuck that way, and I could do nothing about it. Shit. That meant I’d need to be extra careful to avoid any further accidents.

I looked up and saw what had become of my dad. The transformation appeared to have finished. He stood on the spot, completely frozen, still trying to process exactly what had happened. He had shrunk all around, except for one obvious area. It was a little difficult to discern exactly how tall he was now because I was sitting down, though it seemed he was now shorter than me, though still taller than mum. Gone was his stubble and previously square jaw, replaced by a roundness and softness that was much more feminine. Overall, he looked like an average middle-aged woman, albeit with a short masculine hairstyle.

I had obtained the data that I needed to discern exactly why people around me had transformed. It left a sickly feeling in my stomach knowing that it had been my father who had provided such data.

“I’m so sorry,” I blubbered, my lip quivering anxiously, “I… I’ve figured out how to avoid this sort of thing in the future.” I paused and took a deep breath, trying to control the shaking that overcome my entire body, “I’m just sorry I couldn’t figure it out sooner.”

“Ben…” my dad said, trailing off, taken aback by the sound of his new voice. I couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to go several decades hearing the same voice escape your throat, only for that to be torn away and replaced with something completely foreign against your will.

Dad took a deep breath and started over once again, “Ben, you have nothing to apologise for; this wasn’t your fault.” He did his best to give me a comforting smile, but the pain behind his eyes betrayed him.

“How is this not my fault, dad!?” I exclaimed, “Look at you! I was the one who did this and there’s nothing I can do to fix it!”

“BEN!” dad shouted, causing me to flinch. Tears had begun welling in his eyes, which he wiped away with a sleeve that was far too long for his now smaller frame. He grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to look into his eyes. “You made a promise. You better keep it,” he said sternly.

How could he, in this moment, focus on worrying about me? How were my feelings more important right now? I couldn’t understand his reasoning. I stared down at the food on my plate, no longer wanting to look at my father. “I’ll try,” I said, picking at the half-eaten meal with my fork.

Dad breathed out a heavy sigh of relief. “Thank you.” He paused for a moment, his breathing unsteady, and I looked around the room. Mum had covered her mouth in shock, unable to comprehend the state that her husband was now in. I worried at how she would take this whole situation. James almost didn’t know how to react. His face was blank, and he was completely still, staring at dad.

“I think I need to lie down,” dad announced, beginning to walk out of the dining room and toward the master bedroom. The tension in the dining room at that moment was so great, one could almost feel it, as though the air pressure had drastically increased, squeezing us. The three of us that remained kept silent as we all watched dad leave the room.

I couldn’t take it anymore. Everything was becoming far too overwhelming. I needed time alone. I needed time to calm down. I stood up with a jolt; the chair making a loud scraping noise as I pushed it out from under me. “I’m going to take a shower,” I declared, swiftly leaving the room before either mum or James could respond.

I passed by my bedroom to collect my pyjamas to wear after I’d finished showering, then headed straight for the bathroom. I was still worked up from earlier, my heart racing and my breath shaky as I slowly stripped. I’d finally figured out how my new ‘gift’ worked. That seemed the most appropriate name for it, given that this all started on my birthday. Like the universe wanted to give me the worst birthday present it could think of. Three people I had changed, and I saw no way to undo any of it.

I stared at my hands, unable to keep them still through my nerves. I planted both of them onto my face, hoping it could change me as it had the others. Nothing. I tried tracing them down my body. Nothing. I clasped my hands together. Nothing. My breath was quickening and becoming more unsteady. My lower lip quivered erratically, uncontrollably.

I hopped into the shower, hoping that as the warm water flowed over me, it would help wash away my woes. It was soothing, but it wasn’t magic. There was no way it would actually make me forget all my troubles, nor would it fix any of them.

And then, like a dam bursting, my eyes began overflowing with tears as my emotions overwhelmed me. For the first time in so many years, I cried. I gently lowered myself to the floor and curled up into a ball, trying my best to make my sobs inaudible. I didn’t want to be seen nor heard. I hoped that the splashing of the water drowned out the sounds of my misery just as it carried away my tears, as though they never existed. The evidence of my sorrow washed away, so that only I may bear witness to it.

Of course I couldn’t transform myself. That would be too kind of the universe. No, instead I had ruined the lives of three others, including my very own father and brother. None of them had taken well to the changes I’d forced upon them.

I simply wasn’t allowed to be a girl. And based on the others’ reactions, I shouldn’t even want to be one in the first place. It was wrong of me to want that. I was clearly just a disgusting freak who ruined people’s lives and didn’t deserve to have my grotesque desires granted.

The one thing in this world that I truly desired was simply out of reach. I wanted not for anything else. I couldn’t. The universe peered into my heart, saw my desire, and, disgusted, turned it against me. To show me just how gross it was.

I laid on the warm tiled floor for what seemed like hours. But eventually, I needed to get out of the shower. As much the soothing water helped, I couldn’t stay in here forever. As I stepped out, I avoided looking at my gross boy body in the mirror. I hastily dried myself and slipped on my pyjamas before rushing back to my bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me. I immediately hopped into bed, wanting this horrid day to finally be over, and cried myself to sleep.

***

I met dad in the kitchen the next morning as I went to get myself some breakfast. The tshirt he wore hung loosely on him, though it didn’t fully obscure the new additions on his chest. His eyes were hollow and lifeless and the dark rings under his eyes, indicated that he hadn’t slept very well last night.

He smiled at me, failing miserably to hide the pain. It was difficult to look at my father now, both because of the glum expression, as well as the fact that he was female, both of which were my fault. I know I promised him I wouldn’t blame myself, but how could I not? He clearly felt awful, and I was the cause. Ergo, my fault.

I explained what I had worked out about how I was transforming people to my family, and asked mum if she could buy me some gloves to cover up my hands for going out the house, which she agreed to do. I wasn’t going to leave the house without wearing them from now on. I simply could not take that risk. Three lives ruined were three lives too many.

I could safely have bare hands while around the house, however, as I was unable to transform anyone else here. It was somewhat a relief, but considering what exactly that meant, it didn’t put me at ease. I would eventually have to get used to wearing gloves all the time, especially once I went back to school next year. Not that I knew which school I would even be attending.

It was just James and I today, as both mum and dad had gone shopping. Dad needed new clothes since his current ones no longer fit properly. He didn’t look very thrilled at the prospect. I was worried about him. His usual optimistic self had been replaced by someone who seemed deep in the midst of clinical depression. Although he tried to hide it, he was doing a poor job.

I needed something to take my mind off things. My entire life had basically flipped upside down in the past couple days, and I needed a breather. So, I booted up my computer. There was only one thing that could really get my mind off things, and that was Kerbal Space Program.

KSP never failed to free me from any sort of stress. I could always get lost within the calm, empty void that was the depths of outer space, listening to the relaxing music that helped one appreciate the beauty of the cosmos. I also thoroughly enjoyed the (mostly) accurate orbital mechanics present in the game. Sure, it didn’t properly model the n-body physics of real life gravity, but I was fine with that as the simplified mechanics allowed for an easier, more casual experience. It was fun.

At least until something went horribly wrong, and the spaceship performed the euphemistically named ‘rapid unplanned disassembly’. Just a silly way of saying it crashed and burned. Other people enjoyed watching the Kerbals die a horrible, painful death accompanied by stunning fireworks, but I hated it. I would always try my best to ensure no such incident would occur. It was harder than it sounded.

Such was the duality of the game. Moments of pure calm, floating gently through the depths of space, followed by moments of total stress. That was really what made the game engaging. While I tried to avoid the more stressful moments by improving my ability at the game, they never really went away. At the very least, one could control when those moments occurred.

As I began booting it up (it took a long while to load), James peeked his head into my room and asked what I was playing. I answered his question flatly. His face lit up a little and he excitedly asked if he could play. I gave him a warm smile and a nod, explaining that I could teach him how to fly to the Mun – just one of the many celestial bodies one could visit within the fictional solar system – if he was interested. I didn’t usually let him play this particular game with me, but I figured today was a good exception to that rule. It had been a tough week for all of us. And perhaps spending time with my brother, ignoring all our problems as much as possible, would help me take my mind off all the awfulness.

James rushed out the doorway before swiftly returning with a chair, plonking it down next to me. I moved a little to the side to give him some room as he excitedly dashed over to me, before plopping himself down on his chair. I could see him fidgeting in the edge of my vision, unable to contain his excitement.

I explained that the first thing to do was build ourselves a rocket. He nodded his head vigorously as I clicked on the vehicle assembly building so that we could begin. I allowed James to do most of the building, but I made sure to always give him advice on what was a good idea, and what was terrible. Though I usually left out the why unless he specifically asked. I didn’t want to overwhelm him.

Once he had built a passable rocket which I confirmed would actually be able to reach the Mun (assuming adequate flying), we clicked the button that placed our rocket onto the launch pad. I asked him which direction he thought we should go in order to get to the Mun, to which his response was an exasperated “Up! Obviously!”

I smiled at him, knowing full well that this was incorrect, but I refrained from mentioning this. Experience was a better teacher. James then had a sudden moment of realisation: we couldn’t launch during the daytime, as we’d never reach our destination if it weren’t night time. I resisted the urge to snicker at him. He didn’t know any better. I fast-forwarded in game until night. I also made a mental note to show him the real moon during the daytime one day, once it was in the correct position.

I let James press the launch button and away we went. Straight up. Unfortunately, as the old saying goes, what goes up, must come down, which is exactly what happened to our rocket. Once it had run out of fuel, it plummeted back down to the ground. The rocket was travelling much too fast to make a safe landing and underwent rapid unplanned disassembly upon hitting the ground.

I asked James what he thought went wrong. He scratched his chin a little in contemplation before noting that after we went up, we came straight back down. I pushed him a little more to have him think about how we would prevent that. After a little thought, he exclaimed, “MORE BOOSTERS!”

I chuckled a little at my brother’s answer. We’d need quite a lot more boosters to make it to the Mun by going straight up. I described a far superior method: instead of going straight up, we go sideways.

James peered at me curiously, wondering how on Earth going sideways would be helpful. I reloaded the last save and the ship returned to the launchpad, unscathed. Taking the reins, I let the rocket begin its ascent. After a moment of flying straight up, I tilted the vessel slightly to the east. I carefully monitored the ship, ensuring that it maintained the optimal trajectory to achieve orbit.

James watched the screen intently during the entire ascent. Once I had placed the rocket into an approximately circular orbit, I took my hands off the keyboard and leant back in my chair in satisfaction. I accelerated time in game and instructed James to observe. We watched the game as our rocket made a complete trip around the planet.

James, stunned, wondered how the ship wasn’t falling back to the ground. I explained that we were falling, but we were moving so fast that the planet curved away from us, so we never actually got any closer to the ground. We could keep going round and round indefinitely.

We continued like this for a while, where I would let James try and figure out the next course of action, letting him see how well it worked, before reverting to a previous save and explaining the proper method. Eventually we made it to the Mun. I let James perform the landing, which he did surprisingly well, though I did help him along quite a bit. I gave him a pat on the back and congratulated him on the successful mission.

Unfortunately, we didn’t exactly have enough fuel to leave. I knew that from the beginning, but kept it to myself, mostly to challenge James to perform a rescue mission, possibly on his own. Some other time.

Not long after the landing, I heard the faint sound of sobbing coming from another room. I surmised mum and dad must have returned from their trip. Either they had a quick trip, or I had lost track of time. In any case, my parents were home, and someone was crying.

I told James to not be so loud as we headed to our parents’ room and opened the door. James and I peered inside to see my dad curled up in a ball, crying. Mum was there, comforting him in what little way she could.

“Dad, are you ok?” I inquired quietly. It was hard seeing dad in such a state. It was rare to see him unhappy, and even rarer to see him cry. Not to mention his different appearance. It was like my dad had been replaced by some strange, depressed woman who looked like she could maybe be an aunt I never had.

Dad sat up and wiped away the tears streaming down his face. He was a total wreck. His face was completely red, and his eyes bloodshot. I noticed he was now wearing clothes that fit him much better, though they also showed off his new feminine figure much more. He took a deep breath, his nose producing a loud sniffling sound as he did so.

“I could lie and say I’m fine,” he said, “but we’d all know it wasn’t true. So, I won’t lie. I feel awful. Sorry. I’m supposed to be a stoic father figure for the both of you, and here I am crying. And no longer male.”

More tears began forming in his eyes after he had finished speaking, which he once again wiped away with the back of his hand. James rushed past me and up to dad, giving him a comforting hug. Whether or not my little brother understood the severity of the situation, I didn’t know. But seeing our father in such a miserable state had clearly upset James.

“I’m really sorry, dad,” I said, trying to comfort him.

“Ben, stop,” he interjected, “You promised me that you wouldn’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. I truly believe that.”

James looked up at our father and asked, “Are you going to be ok dad?”

Dad forced a smile at my little brother. “Of course,” he lied, more tears streaming down his face.

“I think it’s best for us to leave the room for now,” Mum said, “Your father needs some time alone, I think.” I nodded and walked over to James. I grasped his hand and escorted him out of the room. Mum followed closely behind, closing the door behind us.

Also needing some alone time for myself, I made my way over to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I leant my back against the door and slid down it into a sitting position. I hugged my knees to my chest, my breathing ragged. I wished to cry once again, but the tears never came. As per usual. Instead, I sat quietly on the floor, listening to my breathing, horrid thoughts rushing through my mind at breakneck speed.

Seeing my father crying was hard enough on its own, but knowing that I was the cause of his distress was tearing at my soul. If that wasn’t bad enough, despite how awful he obviously felt his new body, I couldn’t help but be envious of him. He had a body that I had always dreamed of for myself. That I simply wasn’t allowed to have. A body that he despised for himself. And that hurt even more.