What Comes After

June 14

I messed up bad. I wish I could disappear.

After Mira finished gardening out in our backyard, she went inside to take a break during the afternoon. "What's up little brother?"

"Nothing much," I replied. "I'm pretty bored right now. There's nothing to do."

"You could help me with the garden. There are lots of plants that need to be de-potted and planted and a whole bunch of other stuff."

"No thanks. I'd prefer to stay here and be bored."

"What about the books from the library? Did you finish them all?"

My heart began to race. For a second, I thought that it might be a good idea to tell her about the computers in the library. Maybe it'll give her a sense of peace. I know she's been struggling with just not knowing. But then I thought that it was too late to tell her, so what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Big mistake.

"I'm not in the mood to read right now."

"It's probably because all the books you've chosen are so boring," she said. "We should go to the library to get some new ones."

"We?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "You and me. Bro and sis walking around and doing normal people stuff."

"I thought you hated reading."

"Well, you know, we have to make sacrifices for our siblings. And also, Mom wants some books about gardening and foraging."

"The library is literally going to close tomorrow. It's going to be pointless to check out books for just one day."

"We can just take pictures of the pages in those books, and we've got the solar panels and batteries, so we can power up the printer and begin printing out all those photos."

"I don't know about all of this."

"Did something happen to you at the library?" she asked. "You seem like you don't want to go."

"Nothing. I don't know. I'm just not in the mood to go out."

"Well you better change your mood," she announced. "Because we are going to the library tomorrow."

If there was a time machine, I'd hop into it right now or maybe if I could stop time, so that tomorrow will never come. Hopefully, she has spontaneous amnesia and forgets our whole conversation. I wish I had just come clean with the truth.

June 15

I've ruined everything.

I'm such an idiot. Mom and Dad are fighting. I don't think Mira will ever talk to me again if I even see her again. May is pretending to be confused, but I think she knows what happened.

I wish the ocean would swallow me up.

June 16

Here's what happened yesterday.

Mira forced me to go to the library. I tried my best to stall since the library would've closed the next day and she wouldn't have found out about my lies. I pretended to sleep in till around noon, but then Mom woke me up because it was lunch time.

Mira wanted to go to the library afterwards since walking a bit after eating is supposed to be good, but I told her that it was too hot to walk outside and we might risk heatstroke, so we should wait until it gets cooler. It was around five in the afternoon when she had enough with the waiting.

"We're going to the library," she said.

"I'm not feeling well enough to go," I said.

"You look perfectly fine," she said and put a hand to my forehead. "You don't even have a fever."

"Can't you take May or someone else to the library," I said. If the inevitable was going to happen, I didn't want to look into her eyes and tell her that I lied to her for a long time.

I tried practicing telling her the truth, reciting the words out in my bedroom. But I just couldn't do it and by then, it felt like it was too late. "May is barely talking with me," she said. "Probably because I stole her room from her."

"Perfect," I said. "It'll be a great sister to sister bonding time. One on one session to solve your problems."

"Right now I want to hang out with my little brother. Haven't you always wanted me to go to the library with you?"

"Well just not today," I blurted out.

Her eyes narrowed. "Well why not?"

"Because..." I said. "Just because..."

"Are you hiding something from me?"

"No, nothing," I said. "Let me get dressed and get ready."

"Okay," she said, smiling uneasily. "If you're not out in five minutes, I'm going to break in and drag you out."

I took the whole five minutes and heard a knocking at the door. "What's taking you so long?"

"Just one more minute," I yelled back and slowly put on a pair of pants while praying that the library closes before we get there.

After that, we walked to the library. It was very awkward. I tried to tell her the truth again and come clean. But I was too scared, too cowardly. I was just procrastinating my troubles away until they became worse and worse and worse.

So I tried my best to waste time. I pointed out every little detail: the birds, the trees, the weather, dangerous conditions, sidetracks. But Mira wanted to get to the library quickly since she thought that I wanted to go to the library. So by the time we got there, the library was still open and there was a massive line of people waiting, snaking around the building.

"That's a lot of people waiting for books," she said.

"Maybe we should head back," I suggested. "Come back another day."

"But the library is closing tomorrow," she said.

"How do you know that?"

"The sign literally says that," she said, pointing to the library closing signs pasted everywhere.

"The library is losing electricity tomorrow and they've developed a system to keep track of books without the computers, so it'll probably just stay open even though the signs say that it's closing."

"Then why is everyone waiting in the lines?"

"I don't know. Maybe people want the AC. People are weird sometimes."

"I don't think it's that," she said. "I'm going to check it out. You can head back now and tell Mom that I'm at the library."

I should've headed back, so I wouldn't have to directly face her when she found out that I had been lying to her. But I didn't head back and followed her towards the library. I tried tripping myself, falling down, and spraining my ankle, but I couldn't force my body to do that. "C'mon let's go back," I said.

She didn't listen to me and asked a person in the line about what they were waiting for. "It's for the computers," he said. "They've got the lists for the dead and missing."

Mira turned to me. "Did you know about this?"

I responded with silence. "Neal, Did you know about this?" she asked again.

There was an awkward silence between us. All of my lies crumbled like a teetering sandcastle. "Why didn't you tell me about this?" she said. "I could've found out if Leon was alright. I could've known. Do you know how much this worry is eating into me?"

I looked down in shame. "I thought it was better not to tell you."

"You thought it was better for me not to know," she said and sputtered. "You don't get to choose what's good and what's not good for me. Especially with this information."

"I was worried, okay," I said in a louder voice. "You were sad about your boyfriend. If you saw that he was dead, then I was worried that you were going to break down."

"I can handle my own emotions. I'm not going to spontaneously break down," she retorted. "You should've told me about this."

"It's not like you're even going to be able to do anything with it," I shouted. "What? If you see he's dead or alive, what are you going to do?"

"You should've told me," she yelled. "It's none of your business to hold information back from me. I had a right to know."

"You want to know why I didn't tell you earlier," I said. "Because I was afraid you were going to get mad at me."

"Then, why'd you lie to me?" she asked. "Why? We used to share secrets when we were younger. Just you and me."

"Well I'm not like that anymore. You don't know me as well as you think you do."

I'm still a liar even when I'm trying to tell the truth. I've always kept secrets and lies, not just right now but even when I was younger. Mira just never saw that part of me.

I ran home after that while Mira waited in line. I think the library closed or lost power while she was in line because this morning she just left. There was a note on the counter. She said that she had to know about her boyfriend's condition.

Dad freaked out. Even though Mira was an adult and in college, he was still apprehensive about the secret boyfriend. Mom and May are both wondering why Mira left so suddenly. I know that truth. I'm the one that did it. But I'm too cowardly to say it to everyone.

I guess I just don't want to be blamed.

June 17

Mira is still gone.

Mom is alternating between panic and eerie calmness. She's been trying to phone Mira all day, but May and I keep telling her that cellular data isn't working and there's no internet anywhere.

The car only had around a hundred miles worth of gasoline. Her university was forty miles away from here. She wanted to keep a solid distance between our family and her college life, otherwise Mom and Dad might've stalked her to college. Sometimes they can be a little too overprotective.

My little secret is boring a hole through me. I wish I had someone to just confess that I was the reason Mira had left. I would never tell either Mom or Dad because they might start to ask other questions or get angry. Also, probably not Charles because it's awkward to drag your friends into family drama.

There were a few tremors today, including a large one early in the morning that jolted the house. No one knows exactly what's causing all these tremors. It's probably the Moon.

Everything's easier when you can blame the Moon for everything.