Wait For Me

On the seventh day of trekking through the forest, we made it to a town. I could feel it in the distance and the relief made my legs shake.

The sun was setting in my eyes, and we were almost there. The drum of life and people was vibrating through the forest, and we were almost there.

Exhaustion was taking over, and I couldn’t fight it anymore. We’d been pushing through the last few days with minimal sleep, trying to get further faster. His sickness had gotten worse, and the burn was no longer healing like it should have been. We needed help and there was only so much I could do alone.

I stumbled over a root and fell, Noram’s weight coming down on top of me. It was all I could do to roll him off, trying to breathe life back into my dead limbs.

There had to be something I could do. We were so close.

“Noram, we just need to rest for a little bit and then I’ll keep going.” Silence. “Noram?”

He was on his back and his breathing was shallower than before. His skin was glistening with sweat and the bandages were soaked through with pus and discharge. How did I not notice?

I reached for my bag and started to try and clean his wound, but his hand grabbed mine. It was burning hot. “Don’t worry about it anymore.”

“We’re both going to make it, Noram. I told you already.”

“I know,” he whispered. “I know. Just. Worry about yourself first.”

“I don’t have a chronic illness. I think I’ll worry about you right now. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I’m glad you still have your wit about you.” He smiled and closed his eyes, gripping my hand tighter when I tried to move back to my bag. “There’s nothing you could have done. My illness… it was coming to take me soon, anyway.” His grip relaxed a bit.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be without it,” I could feel myself start to choke up, my face burning with unshed tears. “It’s a curse.”

“Thank you for trying, Kaiya. I know you believed we could both make there alive, but just sit with me. Please.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll stay right here.”

“You’re a good kid,” he said. “I hope my son grows up to be compassionate like you. It’d be a real blessing.”

The tears came against my will, sliding down my face and dropping onto our clasped hands. He squeezed a little tighter and opened his eyes. “When you see my wife, can you give her the braid in my hair? I’ve grown it all my life—as long as I’ve known her—and without her or my kids, my life is nothing. It will be nothing. She can at least have the last part of it.”

My heart seized; anger I didn’t know I had surfaced. “It will not be nothing,” I said. “Your life, even after you die, will mean everything to her. To your son. To your baby. She is your world, and you are hers.” I forced myself to relax and lowered my voice to a whisper. “Be kinder to yourself, especially right now.”

He stared for a moment before laughing, then wincing. “You’re right. They’ll be in capable hands, won’t they?”

“The most,” I said. “The most capablest hands you ever seen.” I choked on the last word, leaning down and pressing his hand to my forehead. “I promise.”

“Good.” He let out a content sigh. “Goodbye, Kaiya. And thank you.”

“Goodbye, Noram.”

I was holding his hand, listening to his breathing become weaker and weaker until—

My heart lurched as he died, his grip going slack and chest still. Tears fell faster, and I wanted to scream. I think I did scream. My throat was certainly hoarse for hours after.

I’m not sure how long I sat there, holding his hand as the sun set. I was frozen in place, trying to process his passing. It was the first time I’d ever seen anyone die, and I knew, deep down, it wouldn’t be the last.

When I stood, I staggered to a tree and threw up.

Like watching someone else puppet my hands, I went to my bag and grabbed a knife. I knelt next to him, gingerly lifting his head, and grabbed the braid. My hands shook, but the cut was clean. I wrapped it in my shirt and put it away with care.

With more effort than I put into anything else, I pushed on the ground, making a clean, three by six-foot hole. I lowered him in, closing the top with roots, grass, and flowers. I would make sure he didn’t stay there. He deserved a proper funeral and burial.

I stood at his makeshift grave for an hour, praying. I prayed to any god that would listen. To Akten, to Heksi, to any god of this world that he rested easy. That anyone who had lost their life to the war rested easy. It was the least they deserved.

A hand landed on my shoulder, but I was too numb to be surprised. Enri stood next to me, looking like she’d rather be anywhere else. My tears had since dried, but I could feel them coming back again.

“Noram of Berra. He’s gone.”

“I know.”

“I tried to save him, Enri. I tried so hard to bring him back in time.”

“I know. You always would.” She pulled me into a tight hug, squeezing harder than was comfortable, but I needed it. “Your compassion and bravery are something to be marveled.”

“I need to find his wife, Linres of Berra. She’s one of the refugees. I have something to give her.”

“Then let’s go.”

The trip back was a blur. A carriage was waiting for us about thirty feet away and I collapsed into the seat without much protest. Enri kept glancing at me like I might explode, but I didn’t have the energy to.

Enri explained that when she heard I had been left behind, she immediately started to work on a tracking spell to find me. It took longer because she had nothing personal of mine, but when she did find me, she came soon after. I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I’d left my necklace behind, the only personal item I had.

The trip back took a full day, and the moons were high when we arrived.

On the south side of the town, tents and ramshackle homes had been made for refugees fleeing the war. There were guards and priests all around, giving people food, water, blankets, and other supplies. A whole swath of the forest had been taken over and I walked slowly, scanning the grounds.

She was in the back of the group, feeding her baby while her son was talking to one of the priests. She spotted me and her face lit up, and then fell when she saw that I was alone. The truth was written on my face, and she knew it.

I couldn’t look her in the eye as I stood in front of her tent. I knelt and tried to speak. She beat me to it. “Did you take care of him?” Her voice was so soft.

“Y-Yes. I did my best.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m glad. He was always so stubborn about that. Where is he?”

“Several miles east of here. I buried him in a temporary grave. I thought you want to have a proper funeral for him. And he wanted you to have this.” I pulled out the wrapped braid and set it in front of her. She unwrapped it with one hand and her breath caught in her throat. “It was the last thing he asked me to do.”

She put her hand on my chin and lifted my head. “Raise your head, soldier. You did well. You brought him back to me.”

“I-I-I’m so sorry, Linres. I did everything I could and it—”

“It was enough.” Tears were coming back again, and hers were clearly in competition with mine, but her voice was strong. “Do you hear me? You did more than enough. You held his hand while he walked into the arms of Ankth when I couldn’t. I can’t thank you in any meaningful way, but you have my everlasting gratitude.”

I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded.

Enri pulled me to my feet. “We must be going now. When the time comes, we’ll take you back to your husband.”

“Thank you, Madam.”

“Let’s go, Kaiya. We need to debrief.”

° ° °

I did not want to debrief. I wanted to sit in my bathtub and try to further come to terms with what happened while I cried and tried not to scream again.

I did not have a choice.

I sat with Enri, Zann, Vanli, and my teachers in one of the king’s war rooms. Two guards were stationed outside the door, and five were lined up against the wall.

“Is that everything that happened?” Vanli asked.

“I have no reason to lie,” I said. I was staring at my hands, unable to look up. I didn’t want to see their expectant looks. “That’s all.”

“The man simply… died,” Zann said. “No reason?”

“He was chronically ill, like I said. He hadn’t had proper medicine in over a year, and he succumbed to it on the way. May I please go to my room?”

“No,” Vanli said. “If this man was so ill, why did you waste your time trying to save him?”

I thought I would be too tired to feel much of anything, but anger surged through me as my head snapped up. “If I were to abandon everyone who needed my help, I wouldn’t be sitting at this damn table right now, would I?”

Vanli started to stand, but Zann held his hand up. “She’s right, Vanli. If not for her compassion, we wouldn’t be working towards our goal right now. I appreciate you working so hard to help my citizens. One more thing before you go.”

“What is it?”

“You didn’t see who it was that attacked? No banner or anything.”

“No. I didn’t see anything like that.”

He sat back with a sigh. “Very well then. You are dismissed.”

Enri stood when I did and followed me out. I wasn’t in the mood for company, but I could tell she wasn’t going to leave me. I still tried to shoo her away.

“Don’t you have work to do?”

“Right now, that’s you. It’s my job to make sure you’re doing well. And I need to treat your wounds.”

“The doctors can handle that. I’d like to be alone.”

She was quiet for a moment, our footsteps echoing in the halls, before she asked, “Would you like to talk about it further?”

“I—” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Right now, I just want a bath.”

“Then let me run it for you.”

“Enri—”

“Please.” She grabbed my hand, pulling me to a stop. She looked so worried. “Let me do this.”

“I don’t understand you,” I said. We started walking again. She didn’t let go of my hand. “You spent my first few months here distancing yourself from me and now you want to take care of me. What gives?”

“Let me run you a bath and then we can talk about it. Okay?”

“Fine.”

We walked in silence to my room, down stairs, and through the gardens. I wanted to stop in the one near my room and just stare. I needed to find flowers to put on Noram’s proper grave when I had time.

Enri turned on the shower and I sat on the toilet while she looked over the burn on my arm. She frowned at the leather still stuck to my arm but moved her hand over it, a warmth emitting from her hands. I could feel my skin start to knit itself back together while pushing the leather out. When it fell to the ground, I could tell my arm wasn’t entirely healed. It would still take a while and leave a scar, but I didn’t care. She did the same to my leg and left the bathroom while I stripped.

Normally, showers helped me feel better. After a gruesome day on the field with Vanli or getting my ass beat by my teachers, taking a shower and a bath helped wash away from frustration or worry. But not today. Today, as all the dirt and debris washed down the drain, my pain stayed lodged in my stomach and chest.

Enri sat on the floor of the bathroom as I laid in the tub, trying hard not to cry again.

“Why are you here, Enri?”

She looked at the swirling soap in the water, her finger tracing small patterns on the surface. “My job is to look after you, above almost everything else. You’ve spent the last week taking care of someone else at your own expense. Right now, someone needs to take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself just fine.”

“I know you can.” She sat up, flicking the water off her hand. “That doesn’t mean that you can’t let someone else take care of you when you need it.”

There was a moment of silence as I stared at the ceiling. “You were worried about me.”

“Yes.”

“You should have just said that.”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference. You would have still refused at first.”

I sank further into the tub until only my nose was above the surface. Enri was odd. I still couldn’t read her and no matter how much time we had spent together, she was always at a distance. Even after we had bonded over family, she had been more personable, but still like she was holding back. I hated that I had to be in imminent danger for her to finally tell me she cared, but that was Enri. She wasn’t going to say something she didn’t need to.

“I’ll wash your hair,” she said. “You didn’t get everything with the shower.”

“I wasn’t really trying.” I turned my back to her and leaned against the edge as she reached for the bottles. Her hands worked gently through my hair and massaged my scalp. She took her time running through the tangles and knots and making sure not to rip anything.

Despite my lingering tension, it was the most relaxed I had felt since I had arrived. Something about the way she kneaded my scalp was sending tingles down my neck and spine.

“You would have liked him,” I said. “Noram, I mean. He reminded me of how my dad used to be when I was young. Kind and funny and patiently putting up with my nonsense.”

“He sounds like he was a good man.”

“He was. I liked him a lot.” She poured water over my hair, moving her hand to keep it from running down my face. “I don’t know how you can keep this up.”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed, sinking a little further down. “Keep fighting after losing someone. With your position, I imagine there are people you were close to that didn’t come back.”

Enri was silent as she worked the conditioner through my hair. After a minute she said, “I find a reason to keep going. For me, I think about everyone else I’m in charge of. When people don’t make it back that tears me apart, but I have fifteen or twenty other people who need me to lead them. I can’t let them down or more may follow the first. That’s why I pick up my sword or cast my spells.”

I understood the sentiment; I would have to do the same thing for everyone else depending on me, but I shuddered at the thought of a sword. The thought of picking one up made me want to bury myself in the sand. “I don’t know that I can pick up a sword.”

“If your training continues at the pace it’s going, you’ll have to.” She rinsed out the conditioner. “Vanli won’t take kindly to anyone refusing their training.”

“I know I just…” I trailed off, not knowing how to explain what I was feeling. I only knew that if I picked up a sword, fought with it, spilled blood with it… “Will you go with me? To get Noram?”

“Yes.” She set the bowl down and started in with the conditioner. “I’ll make sure we have the proper materials to transport him and give him a funeral.”

“Thank you.” I let my tears fall again as Enri poured more water over my head. “Thank you.”

She started to hum; the same song I had heard during my second week here. It was soft and lilting, almost like a cry, and for a moment, it felt like she was crying with me.

The next day we held Noram’s funeral. It was short and to the point. When Enri and I arrived back with Noram, Lenris asked that he be cremated, and a priest made the trek with us to perform funeral rites. With no fire mage training on my end, Enri commanded one of her soldiers to do the job.

As the pyre was being built, Lenris told me again how much she appreciated me bringing his braid.

“I don’t know how familiar you are with the cultures of Yvanta, but it’s a bit of a mixed bag given how many of us are from other countries. I’m lucky enough to share a culture with His Majesty, and in our culture, our hair is an extension of our lives. It’s only cut when someone becomes an adult, during times of extreme change, and when they die. If we burned their hair with them, then they lose the chance to continue being with their loved ones.” She clutched my hands, tears spilling onto her cheeks. “Thank you, Kaiya. Thank you.”

We stood back as the priest bowed her head and nodded to Dolav who lit the pyre. Lenris stood next to me, squeezing my hand while Kejesi clung to her side. He looked like he was trying not to cry out, but his tears glistened against his red cheeks.

Lenris didn’t want us to say anything, which was fine since I couldn’t gather the words to describe how I felt. We’d spent only a week together, but he made a lasting impact on me that I wouldn’t soon forget.

We stayed until the fire was a mere smolder and I lowered him into the ground, raising a flower bed above him. He had spent his time looking for lilies, his wife’s favorite flowers.

As I turned to walk away, I small voice called out. “Kaiya.” I turned to see Kejesi jogging up to me. He looked angry and I thought he would yell at me. I was prepared for that. Instead, he bowed his head and said, “Thank you for bringing him back. When I get older, I want you to be my teacher.” He lifted his head, looking determined.

In five years, he would be old enough to join the army. In five years, I wanted this war to be done and for me to finally go home.

I squatted down, putting my hand on his shoulder. “If we are unlucky enough to still be fighting, I will train you myself. Until then, take care of yourself and those around you. What you do here matters just as much as what we do out there.”

He seemed frustrated, but said, “Okay. I’ll do my best.”

“You’re best is all we ever ask.” I stood and turned, walking back to the palace.

° ° °

Training continued the next day. I wanted to stay in bed and mourn, but I couldn’t stay still. I met Ikae by the lake before sunrise.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Pissed off.”

He frowned. “That’s not what I meant, and I think you know it.”

“It’s how I’m feeling. Can we move on with the lesson?”

He shook his head. “What I have planned to test isn’t something most water mages can do without intensive training, but we’re going to try. Moving water from one state of being to another.” He held out his hand and water pooled in his palm from the air, then froze. It melted as he tilted his hand over and it dripped to the ground. “To do so, you need to understand the basic structure of water, how and why it changes, and how it affects you.”

“I remember the water cycle song from elementary school.”

“I don’t know what that means, but okay. I want you to try to pull water from the air. There’s a lot here so you may have some luck. Before that, let’s review the basics. I’m sure you didn’t get much practice on the road.”

I kicked off my boots and waded into the water, feeling the rhythm of the tide. I swayed for a moment before holding my hands out, pushing against the tide, and pulling it back in. The water moved with me, and I lifted my arms, pulling out a sphere. With one hand I held it up and with the other, I pulled off smaller balls of water until I had ten perfectly even spheres. I clapped my hands together, and they dropped in perfect lines back to the water without making a splash.

Ikae nodded. “I see you’ve remembered everything. Now, try to gather water in your hands like I did.”

I held out my hands, feeling the wind pushing the water around me. The humidity by the lake was high and always a constant source of my sweating. I could feel it. I just needed to concentrate enough to pull on it.

My hands got damp, a thin layer of water coating them. I flicked my hands off, a few droplets hitting the water.

Ikae raised his eyebrows. “I’ve never seen someone do that on the first try.”

“I’m very determined.” I held my hands up and this time more water poured in, filling and spilling over my cupped hands. I dropped it to the ground and did it again. Maybe the reason Earthlings had an easier time learning the different elements was the type of schooling we had. I had a basic knowledge of how all the elements worked from just being in school, and that seemed to put me a head above the rest.

Freezing water was a different story. I could pull water from the air because I could feel it around me. I couldn’t feel ice even if I knew how it changed from liquid to solid.

I sat in the water up to my hips and let it lap around me as I stared at the water in my hands.

Ikae sat next to me in the water, staring at the orange sunrise on the surface. “I don’t expect you to get it first try. In fact, after today, you can think of this as an extracurricular task. We need to start focusing on combat.”

“I was going to work on it solo, anyway.”

We sat in silence for a while before he asked, “How are your wounds?”

“Good. Enri healed them for the most part. Only so much she can do.” The water began to form small crystals on the surface. The water turned to slush, and I dropped it. “Zann said the war has been going on for two years. Do you know how many people have died since the start?”

He sighed. “Kaiya—”

“Can you tell me?” I pulled more water from the air, rolling the beads between my fingers and across my palm.

“Tens of thousands. Civilian casualties, either from the crossfire or lack of resources we would normally have, are about half of that.”

The beads froze solid on my palm. I dunked my hand under the water, shaking them off. “I see.”

“I’m not interested in putting more pressure on you, but you knew from the start why we wanted you to be here.”

“I know. I’ve always known.” I knew from the moment the season changed when Enri and I stood atop that watch tower. I knew I would have to fight and see people die and that all their hopes would be riding on me.

Before Noram, I managed not to think about all of that. Now it was at the forefront of my mind.

Water pooled in my hands, and I tossed it up. It evaporated into steam, floating away on the breeze.

“I’ll keep those numbers in mind.”