The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Taxes, bureaucracy, and gnomes turned out to be the greatest scourges Theo had faced. The first two could be handled by Spok. The third proved to be a real nightmare. It seemed that the universe had a way of balancing things out. Since Theo had been given—or earned, as he preferred to think—an overwhelming amount of power, he had been given an annoyance of equal strength in the form of a gnome that once tried to take over the world. Looking at his ingenuity and endurance, it was starting to make sense how he had come so close to succeeding.

A mere few days since Switches was ejected from the city, the slow torture of the dungeon resumed with a knock on the door.

Theo, who had eyes and ears throughout the city and beyond, wondered why a mercenary knight would come to visit him. Rosewind was so out of the way enough for freelancers to avoid it, but given the recent fame of his avatar, decided to let the man in for a chat. That proved to be a costly mistake.

“Greetings, dungeon!” The “knight” removed the front of his breastplate, revealing the gnome inside. “What do you think of my new creation?”

“You?!” Theo quickly closed the door and all windows, so no one would see the gnome. “How did you get here?”

“I asked for directions at the town gate. The guards were quite pleased to hear that a freelancer wanted to serve their ‘baron.’” Both the gnome and the suit of armor made air quotes. “So they were all too glad to give me directions. Quite nice people. I see why you decided to stay here.”

That was unfortunate. Theo was tempted to have Spok have a word or two with the guards. On the other hand, doing so risked inviting questions, which he very much wanted to avoid.

“Where the heck did you find that armor?”

“Like it?” The gnome turned around as if he were at a fashion show. “It’s quite legitimate. I happened to fall on the barn of an old retired knight. Poor soul had definitely seen better days. I constructed a few devices to help him with work at the farm, so he paid me with this. Fancy, right?”

In the bedroom, the dungeon’s avatar facepalmed. Of all the places to land, why did it have to be a knight’s barn? The odds had to be astronomically low.

“So, about the lab,” Switches said. “It doesn’t have to be overly fancy. No huge mountain like I had before. A hill would work just fine. Oh, and lots of windows. Thanks to you, I’ve seen the importance of sunlight and fresh air. Most of the work will be done underground, of course, I wouldn’t want to scare the locals, but—”

All furniture and other items in the room moved briskly to the walls. The ceiling opened up, as did the ceiling of all the rooms above, up to and including the roof itself. One strong push from the floor, and the gnome found himself flying through the air again.

Several dozen griffins rose up, screeching at the unexpected disturbance that went through their airspace. A few people looked up, curious to see what had caused the disturbance. Thankfully, by then, there was no trace of Switches left.

“Was that wise, sir?” Spok asked. “Gnomes are rather good inventors and—”

“No way! I’m not having that maniac anywhere near me! Especially if he has a lab! The tricky critter will probably try to take me down from the inside.”

“That’s highly unlikely.” The spirit guide let out a subdued chuckle. “A solid magic contract is certain—”

“No! I’m not having it! If he wants a lab, he can build his own, or pester another sucker to take him in.”

The conversation came to an end, though not the fear of the gnome’s return. Half a week of tense calm followed, during which Theo’s time was split between dealing with the effects of his affliction, avoiding Earl Rosewind and the council nobles, and keeping a watchful eye out for Switches.

Each day, the dungeon would use his observatory to watch for anything that could be the gnome. Surely enough, he came one day in the guise of a farmer. The disguise was a lot more sophisticated, fooling the dungeon and everyone to the point that the town guards once again assisted Switches with directions to the baron’s mansion.

The moment there was a knock on the door, Theo had a bad feeling. One close look proved enough to figure out that this wasn’t a person. It also helped that the gnome had poked a small hole in the front of the disguise, making it obvious who he was.

Unfortunately, with two guards being present, he had no choice but to let the “farmer” inside for a chat.

“Hello, good farmer,” Theo’s avatar said with a fake smile that would sink ships. “Why don’t you come in so we can have a chat?”

“Oh, such an honor, me lord.” The farmer bowed. “Thank you, good people, for guiding me to the baron. You have done a good deed today.”

Good deed, my ass! Theo closed the door.

“Just hear me out!” the gnome pleaded. “I can be useful to you! You’ve seen my work. The things we can achieve working together will be…” He waved both arms as he spoke. “…mind-boggling! Just yesterday, I came up with a device that would make flying possible for the masses. Even livestock. All we need to do is—”

“No!” The avatar cut him short. “There’ll be no labs, no deals, no flying livestock!”

That last bit sounded worse than it was supposed to. Even Cmyk—who was making his way through the room for his daily get together with the adventurers—paused for a moment to listen in to the conversation.

The avatar closed his eyes and massaged his temples out of habit. It was said that a dungeon couldn’t get a migraine, but Theo had a good memory of his previous life and a vivid enough imagination to picture it, even in his current form.

“Why can’t you just make a lab somewhere else?” he asked. “There are plenty of places. As long as you don’t kidnap villages or try to take over the world, it’ll be fine.”

“Well, yeah, but it won’t be the same.”

The avatar went to the nearest wall and slammed his head into it multiple times. Cmyk took the opportunity to discreetly tiptoe outside, shutting the door behind him.

“It’ll take me ages to create a good lab on my own,” the gnome explained. “It won’t be nearly as good as anything you could offer. Besides, we won’t get to enjoy our mutual company. Think of all the new discoveries we might make. You have to admit, you’re pretty good at coming up with unusual solutions to problems. If half the gnomes working with me while I was Lord Mandrake put in a tenth of the effort to reach a hundredth of the inspiration you showed, do you have any idea where I would be now?”

“Huh?” Theo and his avatar paused, lost in the unusual math riddle.

“I’m not asking for much. I won’t even ask to be paid.”

Just as the dungeon was in the process of composing an answer, Spok appeared in the room.

“Sorry to disrupt your conversation, but the earl has asked for your advice. The council seems split regarding planning rights, so he’d like to hear your side before coming to a decision.”

“Just what I need… Is it something you can deal with on your own?” Theo asked.

“Technically yes, although I would recommend that you—”

“Just take care of it. I have my own problems right now.”

The spirit guide shrugged, glanced at the “farmer,” then vanished once more. Moments later, the central part of the floor thrust up, ejecting the gnome through the roof again.

This time, the dungeon didn’t bother creating an opening. The damages incurred cost considerably more energy to fix than had he merely used the usual method, but he wanted to make a point. Alas, the attempt missed its mark for a week later, a rather unusual carriage made its way right to the baron’s mansion.

The carriage was, without doubt, a wonder of engineering. From the moment it passed through the gates, a crowd gathered to admire the finely constructed mechanical horses that pulled the magnificently crafted coach. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that this had to belong to someone of significant importance—likely a mage or a high noble.

Everyone watched in wonder, cheering the mechanical carriage; all except Theo.

“One has to admit, sir, he’s definitely good at what he does.”

“How is everyone getting fooled so easily?!” Theo’s avatar shouted in place of his main body. “One look inside is all it takes!”

Theo was in a rather difficult situation. Not only did he know that the carriage was the work of Switches, but he had confirmed it by peering into the coach as it made its way through the town. The townspeople, though, were convinced that this was a special guest coming specifically to have a chat with him. Shattering the illusion publicly risked, if not exposing him outright, then becoming a source of bad rumors. In the past, that wouldn’t have been an issue, but ever since the dungeon had saved Rosewind, he had enjoyed taking on the role as the city’s greatest benefactor.

“You could always promise to build a lab in the indefinite future,” Spok suggested.

“And just postpone my headache for a few months?” Theo snapped. “No. I need to make it clear that he won’t be getting anything from me.”

“And how would you achieve that, sir? Short of killing him?”

The question was rather well-placed. While during the battle, Theo had ejected the gnome into the air with the very intent of killing him, that desire had since gone. The last few times, he’d only hoped that the creature would break a bone or two—enough to get the hint and move on. Outright killing Switches, or imprisoning him, would solve the issue once and for all, but the memory would haunt the dungeon forever. Also, with Theo’s luck as of late, he might end up with the spirit of Switches haunting him for all eternity.

The carriage stopped in front of Theo’s mansion. The door opened, triggering a minor fireworks display, after which a red carpet rolled out, making it almost all the way to Theo’s door.

You must be kidding me! The dungeon thought.

The gnome’s display was beyond parody, and yet the crowd couldn’t get enough. A mechanical governess—bearing a striking resemblance to Spok in an unsophisticated mechanical way—emerged and made her way to the door. Then the dreaded knock followed.

With a sigh and a grumble, Theo’s avatar went to the door and opened it.

Thankfully, the gnome didn’t say a word in public. Unfortunately, he didn’t have to. Cheers erupted, continuing for a full minute after the door was closed again.

“Don’t tell me,” Theo grumbled. “You landed in the barn of a retired stable master.”

“Nope.” The front section of the construct moved aside, revealing Switches again. “Carriage graveyard.”

“There’s a carriage graveyard in the area?”

“Well, it’s not exactly in the area. You used quite a bit of force last time. Don’t know your own strength, eh?” the gnome laughed. “You'll be surprised at the things people just throw out. Half of them were even fully functional. Didn’t take me long at all to make this beauty.”

As much as the dungeon wanted to disagree, that sounded like something a bunch of high nobles would do.

“I thought you could use it as a gift. Being a baron, you can’t be seen walking the streets on foot.”

“Err…” In a town this small, everyone, even the earl, walked about on foot. The only exceptions were when he set out hunting, or he went to visit some more important noble. “Thanks. I mean, no thanks! I don’t need it.”

“Are you sure?” Switches’ ears flopped in disappointment. “It’s very reliable. Did I mention that the horses could protect you against a group of bandits? You’ll need to charge their mechanical hearts every now and again… Oh,” he said, suddenly changing the topic. “There’s no demonic nonsense involved, don’t you worry. Just ingenuity and magic. I used what I had on me, so it should be fine for a week, but…”

“I. Don’t. Need. Your. Horses,” Theo said slowly, stressing every word. “I don’t need the carriage, your contraptions, your constructs, your non-demonic, mechanical hearts… I don’t need you!”

“Of course you don’t need me.” The gnome said with a snicker. “That’s why I’m offering a collaboration. A meeting of the minds. You provide the lab, I provide the smarts, and together we come up with exciting new ideas. How does that sound?”

There was a moment of silence. Theo’s avatar went to the door, turned around, then pushed the gnome and his construct to the middle of the room. From there, things continued in the standard fashion: the gnome was thrown high in the sky, and the dungeon was left to contemplate what to do next time.

“Maybe consider an alternative welcome, sir?” Spok said from the neighboring room. “He’s bound to catch on at some point.”

“Argh!” Theo’s avatar groaned. “Are you sure there aren’t any gnome repellant spells?”

“I'm certain, sir. I’ve gone through all the spells I know, as well as held a long correspondence with the mage tower you are associated with. There’s nothing that could solve your issue.”

“Are there any creatures capable of scaring off gnomes?”

“That’s difficult to say.” The spirit guide adjusted a stray lock of hair on her forehead. “You could go ask the Silvarian elves. They do owe you, after all.”

The thought of going all the way to the wretched elf underground made the entire dungeon tremble. While his avatar had gained a fair number of abilities there, once was more than enough.

“No!”

“In that case, there’s nothing left but to be on the lookout and hope that the gnome will get tired of it sooner or later.”

That didn’t sound at all optimistic, but there was nothing that could be done. Sadly, that wasn’t the only of his worries. As time passed, it was starting to become obvious that the hunger affliction was there to stay. At first, Theo tried to ignore it, doing minor improvements here and there. Occasionally, even a small building would pop up, increasing the dungeon’s overall size. However, soon enough, a sense of futility kicked in.

“Earl Rosewind has requested your presence,” Spok said.

“Tell him I’m ill,” Theo sighed.

“You’ve already used that excuse a few times, sir. This appears to be rather important. It’s council matters, so I’m not in a position to go in your stead.”

“Think of something.” Theo closed all shutters to his main building. He would have done the same for all the other buildings in town, but that would have attracted too much attention.

There was a knock at the door. The dungeon didn’t react. The knocking, however, persisted, continuing for several minutes with no indication it had the intention of stopping.

“I believe it’s your weekly gnome visit, sir,” the spirit guide said. “I’ll take care of—”

“Just let him in,” the dungeon grumbled. At this point, he couldn’t see how things could get worse. Maybe a few minutes of listening to Switches’ incessant chatter might force Theo out of his current depression.

The door opened, revealing… a standard gnome with a backpack. After all his attempts, Switches had clearly run low on resources, resorting to less subtle means of infiltration. The brightly colored clothes and rose-tinted glasses gave the impression that this was a traveling musician or artist of some sort, thus presenting no threat to the town.

“It is I!” the gnome said in dramatic fashion, as he fell on one knee, extending his arms forward. “The great artist Paintro! I have come to create the most magnificent portraits that—”

“I know it’s you, Switches.” Theo slammed the entrance door. “So, let’s get it over with.”

Upon hearing that, the gnome quickly hit the backpack with his elbow. Eight large chained arrows bust through the fabric, burying themselves in the walls.

What the heck? Theo wondered. The damages were insignificant. After previous mishaps, everything valuable was moved out of the foyer, and as for the holes in the walls, it would take a measly amount of energy to fix things as new.

There were a few seconds of concern, during which the dungeon feared the arrows might explode or something, but once the moment was gone, he relaxed and went back to being annoyed.

“And what’s that?” Theo asked in an icy cold voice.

“My new anti-ejection device!” The gnome grinned. “Now you won’t be able to shoot me into the sky before we’ve finished our conversation.”

“I was going to listen to your conversation anyway!” Theo snapped. “Why did you have to wreck the room?”

“Ha, ha! I’m not letting my guard down so easily. You’ve tried to trick me before!”

Tried? “Look, I can’t give you a lab even if I wanted to!”

“So, you’ve agreed to the idea in principle? Wonderful! It’s no issue if I start small. A simple workshop would do for now. A moderately advanced workshop. I’ll draw a few blueprints which you could—”

“I can’t give you anything!” Theo shouted with such ferocity that even a few of his shutters opened and closed, causing a number of people at the nearby market square to glance in his direction. There was a time when such actions would have generated a lot of undue interest. Now, everyone was used to a certain degree of oddities. “Even if I create a lab, I don’t have the energy to maintain it! It’ll be all gone by the morning and you’ll find yourself in a hole in the ground.”

The gnome’s ears perked up.

“Why?”

“Because I’m afflicted by hunger! And don’t ask me what that is because I don’t have the slightest—”

“Half your energy vanishes every day?” the gnome asked. “You get constant warnings, slow at first, then faster and faster, until the moment your energy is halved.”

Silence filled the room. Not only Theo had nothing to say, but Spok was at a loss as well. As a spirit guide, she was supposed to know everything relating to dungeons.

“More or less.”

“So that’s why you went to find me?” The gnome grinned. “You should have just said you needed my help. And here I thought you were trying to ignore me. Seriously. There’s no shame in seeking help, and I already told you there are no hard feelings about that whole Lord Mandrake business.”

“Yeah, no hard feelings…”

It was difficult to determine whether to be thankful or insulted by the sudden turn of events. One had to admit that despite the size difference, the gnome was older than Theo—at least as far as his current life went—as well as Spok. There was a slight possibility that he knew what he was talking about. Yet, even if he did, Theo was uncertain whether he should rely on him for a cure.

“You know what this is?” the dungeon probed.

“Oh, certainly. Tell me, have you consumed any mana gems lately?”

“Yeah, I have. A red and a blue.” I knew I shouldn’t have consumed that red gem!

“Two?” The gnome blinked.

“Yes, two. Does that matter? Should I have stopped at one?”

“Oh, no. The more gems you consume, the better. There’s only a small detail… What’s your rank?”

“That isn’t an appropriate question!” Spok stepped in, making her way until she was directly in front of the gnome. She appeared rather calm on the outside, yet deep inside she was seething, and the dungeon could feel it.

“Two,” Theo quickly said, to avoid having the gnome killed. Switches had proved to be resilient, but Spok could be very determined when she chose. “I’m rank two.”

“That’s where the problem lies.”

The gnome unbuckled his belt, allowing him to step onto the floor again. The belt and backpack—along with the chained arrows—remained suspended in the air.

“Don’t feel bad. Everyone makes mistakes. Mana gems help you gain ranks, but sometimes they get, err, stuck halfway. When that happens, there are side effects. The hunger is the most common, but there are others. The dungeon I was serving… well, there were a few cases which weren’t optimal.” Switches winced as he spoke. “Anyway, the important thing is that you need to consume another mana gem.”

“Spok, did you know of this?”

The spirit guide shook her head.

“She wouldn’t know. Rank is the one thing that spirit guides can’t see beyond. No offense,” Switches added quickly.

“All this is because I have mana gem indigestion? How come that’s even a thing!?” Theo shouted, slamming a few doors in the building.

“Hey, don’t look at me. Probably some divine safeguard to prevent dungeons from taking over the world. Trust me, most aren’t as nice as you. If dungeons were allowed to roam and grow freely, there would be nothing left. It would be a dungeon eat dungeon world until there was only one left. And even then, it’d probably eat itself. That’s the nature of the beast.” He paused. “No offense, of course.”

There was a lot wrong with that, but for the moment, Theo wanted to focus on the most immediate problem—namely getting another mana gem. So far, with all his money and influence, he had only managed to find two, one of which had come only partially charged.

“All I need to stop the hunger is to consume another mana gem?”

“A fully charged mana gem,” Switched clarified. “That’s only half of it, though. You also need to build two buildings of special significance. Like the griffin nest you built.”

“Huh? Is that part of the requirement, too?”

“I don’t know, but it just so happens that a research laboratory is just the type of building you need for this sort of situation.”

If Theo had eyes, he would have narrowed them in disbelief. For a moment, he contemplated having his avatar go down and do just that, but decided he was above such petty things, at least for now.

Another mana gem. Finding one wasn’t going to be easy… and neither was building a gnome lab within the town, at least not one to Switches’ specifications. The worst of all was that both required help on the part of the earl.

“Spok…” Theo grumbled. “Tell the earl that I’ll be there shortly.”