The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere

U𒊹bi𒊹ici𒊹n 𒊹io𒊹nclo𒊹u𒊹e | 7:10 PM | 𒊹5,535th Day

"Utsu," he said, startled. "You're already awake."

I barely registered the words, my mind drawn completely inexorably to Ran's prone and motionless form on the dirt. My lip trembled, the muscles in my jaw clenching and unclenching sharply.

No. She can't be dead.

She can't be.

"I'm sorry, I-- I saw that you were injured, but since your vitals weren't hit, I thought it was better to make sure everything was safe first. I put some slabs of rubble over your upper body... To make sure that if anyone was left, they wouldn't be able to finish you off." He was breathing heavily, stealing glances down at the body himself. "I thought I'd hear it if you or someone else moved them, but I must not have been paying attention."

"Ran," I said, weakly. "What happened to her?"

He hesitated, opening his mouth and snapping it shut again a few times in sequence. "I wanted to talk to you somewhere quiet when everything was already over. I thought..." He stopped himself again, his eyes darting around anxiously. "I can explain."

My free hand balled into a fist, while the one holding my scepter curled its fingers so tight around the metal that skin stung and bones ached.

She can't be dead. It can't have ended like this.

"Oh, god. I-I don't know how to start..." he stammered desperately, rubbing his eye with the hand that wasn't holding his own scepter. There was blood on it, which got on his face and hair in the process. "Utsu, do you remember that time when we went hiking into the hills with our class, when we were kids? Up the Old Batosi Trail, where it goes all the way around Mount Pylia, then comes to that enclave overlooking the ocean?"

23 years, 7 months, 19 days. "Uh-huh," I said listlessly.

"And you broke your ankle in that tiny little cave we found when everyone made camp for lunch, and needed me to pull you out because it was raining and you'd started to sleep, even though me squeezing in too could have crushed us both if I'd messed it up, since the roof was already falling in from us pulling out roots? And I told you to trust me?"

"I remember," I said.

"O-Or when you left for Itan," he went on, "and you told me to take care of the blueberry bush we'd planted, out in the park? And I said I would, and went to check on it--"

"I remember," I repeated, almost emotionlessly.

He gulped, seeming thrown off by me cutting him off. He fidgeted. "Well, I... I need you to trust me again, alright?" The words cracked under the weight of their own forced sentimental tone. "Because I-- I need to tell you some things that might be confusing, or hard to accept." He gave a panicked smile, averting his eyes. "I mean, I've barely accepted it myself. It's been a long weekend, ahah."

I was silent, still looking at Ran.

"Really, I don't know how to put this..." He fidgeted. "The truth is, Utsu, is that we've - the two of us, I mean - been lied to for a long time. Used. For me my whole life, and for you... I don't how much, but probably a lot."

"Theo, what happened while I was unconscious? W-What did you do to her?" I asked again. "To Ran."

"This whole thing has been a setup," he tried to explain. "Not just in the way Kamrusepa was saying, she was part of it too, they all were, but... But everything. Not just this weekend, but the whole Exemplary Acolyte's Class. It's all been leading up to this. Other than Yantho, we're-- We're the only ones who aren't part of it. W-Weren't part of it." He stuttered, the words obviously spilling out of his mouth far faster than he could organize them in his head. "J-Just listen for a second, okay? They were planning to kill us from the start - Mehit too - while the rest of them spread whatever story they wanted. The only reason they bothered with all this was for Fang, because they have such a presence in the media. But the rest of us-- We'd only make it harder to sell the story. They might have left one of us alive, but, but--"

"I... Kamrusepa was right," I said, my eyes slowly widening as I backed away slightly. "You're the murderer."

"No! No, it's not like that!" He held up a hand defensively. "I'm not getting this out the way I should, I'm not..." He took a sharp breath, clearly trying to suppress a panic. "Listen. We'd been talking, Yantho and I, even before this... Over the logic sea, since I met him when my father brought me here years ago. I hadn't wanted to believe it was true until this Friday. B-But they messed up! They were supposed to make some excuse and send me to travel with your group, but I went back to the dorms when they thought I'd already left, and I saw the three of them talking to the Order. Ezekiel wanted to kill me, but Seth..." Pain and doubt crossed his face for a moment, but then he shook his head violently. "They had to bring me in on the plan, and confirmed all of it. Then I talked to my dad, and he said he'd planned for me to never know, but then Yantho said they wouldn't let either of us live after what had happened. So we had to make a plan, but then they killed him, and..."

I was absorbing Theodoros's words, and some of it definitely seemed like a revelation. Based on his account, it sounded like his involvement in the Order's conspiracy was the opposite of what Ezekiel had claimed, and that rather than them becoming involved after stumbling upon him and Linos, the exact opposite had happened, with him only becoming involved at the last minute. That made sense, and largely lined up with Kamrusepa's theory. But there were also surprises. It sounded like his co-conspirator had been Yantho of all people, a boy who I'd barely even interacted with and had perhaps the most suspect death out of any of the ones which had occurred over the course of the night.

Sacnicte and Yantho. I'd barely thought about them at all since what happened, since it had been right before we'd discovered Lilith's involvement with the conspiracy, and after that it had been one shock after another until, well, now. But the circumstances surrounding them were still extremely strange. We'd never formed a coherent theory for their murderer other than 'maybe Lilith, maybe another accomplice', though Kamrusepa's inclination had seemed to be that the Order's conspiracy had simply disposed of them one way or another because of Sacnicte's blackmailing. But even if that was the truth, it was still so strange. Just what had even killed Yantho? He'd died standing up, and unlike Sacnicte, with no sign of what could have actually killed him.

He'd been in a strange position when I'd first encountered him, too; unconscious at the kitchen table without even knowing what had happened. And of course, he'd been the last to interact with Vijana, the first person to die. That meant it was more likely he'd been involved in facilitating her death, even if he hadn't been the one to do it personally. Had he been using Theo? Manipulating him?

There were a lot of possible conclusions one could draw, especially if one factored in what I'd just seen happen to Linos. But my thoughts felt cold.

I didn't care anymore.

"I don't know what Kam was trying to do... Probably to kill me off as some last-ditch measure," Theodoros said desperately. "To pass blame off once it started getting thrown around. But a lot of what she said was partially the truth. It just goes so much further, to her and the other girls and everyone.Our classmates aren't-- They were only ever with us at all to orchestrate this for the Order. So the inner circle could disappear without a trace. It's something they've been trying to do for a century." He bit his lip. "There's more I could say, but I don't want to hurt you..."

"You mentioned a plan," I said, my tone reflecting my thinking. "Something the two of you did.

He paused for a long moment, looking doubtful and anxious. "...yes," he said. "We knew the details of the plan, so we thought we could put a stop to it-- Stop them from disposing of us like used-up reagents. Frighten them, maybe make them back down. But then he died, and I... I..."

"You killed Vijana."

He shook his head, "No, I didn't. I only cleaned up the body. Tried to make it look like a suicide." He looked away, his face flushing now that the subject had turned to his actions. "Yantho was the one who killed her, but he couldn't use the ladder without making it clear what we were doing. Tripping the sensors. He thought-- We thought we could make them stop by scaring them with a real death." He shook his head. "But it wasn't enough. They just incorporated it into their plan."

Sounds like it could be true.

"You killed Bardiya."

"I... I was planning to," he said. "I'd set everything up. Yantho told me what would happen - that the pistol would go off as part of something the Order was planning, and that I could take advantage of it." His eyes widened. "B-But... When it was just the two of us in here, and I was finishing casting the silencing arcana... He suddenly stood up and started smashing his head into the barrier of his own acc-accord." He stammered, his tone growing rigid and fearful. "It was so dark. I really don't know what happened."

Probably a lie. Though why would he lie now?

"You killed Ophelia."

He swallowed again. "I... I thought that, if I timed it right... I could have finished off everyone but us right then and there," he said, sounding horrified with the words coming out of his own mouth. He put a hand to his face. "But I messed it up. She-- She fought back harder than I thought she would, and everyone was already down the hall, and..."

Makes sense.

"You killed Fang."

He shook his head again, this time more sharply. "No! If that hadn't happened, my plan would have gone much better! I could have-- I could have pulled Ophelia away more quietly, and then snuck away with you while everyone was still distracted. I'd thought I could do something to keep them trapped in the area. Wound someone instead of killing them right away... I didn't want Fang to die either, not if I could help it. B-But then they were shot, and I realized this was the only chance, so..." He grimaced, shaking his head. "It must have been someone from the Order trying to silence them. That's the only explanation."

"Why did you approach them, then? Right before they were shot? If you knew this already, you would have had no reason to want to look at the device.

He blinked. "When I went to look at the head of the monster, you mean?" He hesitated. "I thought I could whisper something to them. Tell them to run the other way down the hall... So I'd be able to focus on grabbing you."

Suspicious, but sort of makes sense. But that doesn't narrow it down further.

"You couldn't have killed Mehit and Lilith, though."

He glanced anxiously at the remains of the building. "I-- no, I didn't. Anna must have killed the two of them, and then..." He hesitated, shaking his head. "It was just part of the Order's plan, I'm sure of it. Again, they couldn't leave any survivors."

Vague and useless.

"You started this fight that got everyone killed."

"Y-Yes," he said. "I threw a grenade. I was waiting for a moment when it seemed like everyone was the most tense. I thought since what I tried before failed, my last chance would be to have everyone fight, even if I didn't really understand what was going on." He let out a hysterical, strained laugh. "A-And it worked. Somehow, we both lived! It worked!"

I stared at him, my eyes wide.

There were a lot of questions that all this raised. There was obviously the question of what he was holding back not to 'hurt me', and a lot of his awkward explanations only provoked further questions. Why would Yantho - if that really was who was responsible - have deputized him to only clean up a body? Who could really have killed Fang, and the three we'd discovered in this bioenclosure? Had Kam's guesses about his precise methods been correct?

But I just didn't care. I no longer had anyone I wanted to protect. The mystery was meaningless now. Maybe this was all the truth. Maybe he was making it all up just so he could get the drop on me, get me to lower my guard.

Who cares? Who cares?

A mystery was only compelling to solve when there was someone by your side. Some purpose to the game. When you were alone, when you had nothing you were fighting for, it was nothing more than sophistry. Searching for answers to questions of no consequence.

"You..." My eyes looked back to the body. You killed Ran."You hurt Ran."

Again he opened his mouth to speak only to hesitate. His gaze jerked back and forth. "I-- I know you won't want to hear this, Utsu, but she was one of them."

"She's not one of anything," I said, almost emotionless. "She's just Ran."

"They did it to me, too," he said, a tone of desperation in his voice. "You know, Seth-- I thought he was my best friend. We met years ago, when we were both studying. I wanted to get into the class before I even knew you were applying so we'd be there together." He shook his head. "But it was all a lie, you know? That's what I meant when I said it. That they used us."

"Uhuh," I whispered, maybe even half-grunted. I felt like I wasn't in my body any more. Everything felt distant.

"It hurts when I think that he's dead... No, it makes me want to crawl into a ball and die myself! B-But I knew!" Tears streaked down his face. "I knew he didn't really care about me. And that I had to put saving us first! Ran, she... Yantho told me how you met. About how the Order had planted her."

I perked up slightly, for the first time in the conversation. How much does he know?

For a moment, I entertained the possibility. What if the last 12 years really had been some kind of setup? That my entire tragedy had been engineered to serve some purpose of the Order and my grandfather? The idea of Samium having used me from the start, or Ran being some sort of false friend who'd only ever been acting out a role... A flicker of horror and doubt began to grow in the back of my mind. I trembled slightly.

But then, Theo continued.

"He told me how they arranged for you to meet when you were both kids, and then again at university, just like I met Seth," he rambled. "Right when you were most vulnerable, pushing yourself so hard to try to get accepted into the House of Resurrection... To take advantage of all the struggles you were going through back then, and start a relationship... So you'd eventually join the class together." He winced painfully. "I know it must seem horrible to even consider, and I wish we could have talked about this somewhere else, but... But..."

I blinked.

"What?" I said, blearily. "Meet when we were kids?"

He nodded. "When you were both in primary school. Like I told you, our whole lives--"

"Relationship?"

He blinked himself, then hesitated, his flushing. "Well, yes... I know you liked to keep it discreet, but insofar as you two are... Er..."

I stared for a moment, my eyes glazing over.

Oh.

He literally doesn't know anything. All of his facts are completely wrong.

He's... Just an idiot.

"After everything was over, and the others were all dead, I saw her heading for you to finish you off. So... It's certain," he said, with paranoid frenzy in his eyes. "Again, I know it's a horrible thing to accept. But you've known me even longer than her, Utsu!" He put a hand to his chest. "So please, trust me--"

Before I even felt like I'd made a conscious decision, the words glided out of my mouth like silk. I didn't know had the capacity to speak so quickly and eloquently. It was like the opposite of the strength you find when running for your life.

Every lesson I'd ever learned in combat training, from Neferuaten - they all burned so sharply in my mind they might as well have been happening right then and there. I opened with the Matter-Shifting Arcana, spewing a torrent of stone from the ground at him to throw him off guard. To my surprise, he already had a barrier up, rudimentary and force-based, but I'd accounted for this by making the incantation perpetual; a simple amendment that would drain eris as it shoveled more and more material at the target, until there was none at the designated spot left to shovel. The Entropy-Denying Arcana flew out of my mouth, my own barrier raising in front of me. Theo shouted something, but I didn't hear him.

Make him think you're trying to break the barrier while you rend his resistances instead. A discharge could give that impression, but wasn't efficient; better to hit him with something where gravity could do most of the work. I cast the Object-Manipulating Arcana on part of the still-standing section of the wall, sending it tumbling down towards him, careful not to hit Ran. I couldn't see his face over the torrent of dirt and sand now being propelled in his direction, but he fell back, running towards the grass and levitating into the air.

Finally, he started to fight back. He started using the Matter-Solidifying Arcana to congeal the air around me into thin sheets of solid nitrogen; a stopgap measure, most likely, to restrain me and my casting while he tried to think of a better way to pin me down. He probably didn't want to hurt me; that meant he was limited in what he could do.

I closed my eyes and invoked the Death-Sensing Arcana, but I only needed it for a moment. I focused my attention on the area I'd come from, on Ezekiel's body. I used the Flesh-Animating Arcana, performing taboo Necromancy and having it shoot straight into the air, then sprint towards our duel on all fours with everything it had. Meanwhile, Theo had cast a beguilement to shred my physical resistance. It was ephemeral. He'd never have the chance to do whatever he planned.

Make yourself a moving target. The easiest way would be to follow him into the air, but that would be a drain of eris, which was already a concern since I was committing so much to my defenses. I was already using the Flesh-Animating Arcana to hold my lower body together, so there was no reason to show it special concern - I decided to use the Object-Manipulating Arcana to crudely throw myself into the air, and recast my barrier to modify it and hold me there. I weaved a movement component into it in a more exotic dueling technique, commanding it to automatically orbit Theodoros; this was more efficient since it allowed the eris supporting the barrier itself to serve dual purposes. I caught a glimpse of his face. He looked terrified.

He escalated his offensive. He cast the Matter-Liquifying Arcana over my head, weaving in a heating element to drop a physics-defying broth of molten liquid nitrogen and oxygen over my head, which was a smart technique insofar as it did continuous damage to my barrier as it sat on it, while also taking advantage of gravity.

But by this point, my new tool had arrived. I had my puppet Ezekiel run to the spot I'd already designated for the Matter-Shifting­ Arcana, which promptly thrust him into the air directly at Theodoros. He screamed at the sight, botching whatever incantation he was currently working on and causing a small discharge. I then pulled the cadaver backwards with the Object-Manipulating Arcana. Its physical resistances would still be intact, and I could use that to delay his attempt to incapacitate me.

Theo quickly incanted to repair his barrier, then used the Matter-Replicating Arcana to create and levitate four crude duplicates of himself, falling apart the second he'd brought them into existence. An outdated technique for a Transmutation specialist and only useful at tremendous scale; with the amount of eris he had, the fidelity wouldn't even be sufficient to give them a physical resistance. I ignored them, using the Death-Sensing Arcana I already had active to detect his real body and start shredding his resistances.

Finally, he used his star technique, the Pattern-Replicating Arcana, probably the core of medical Transmutation in general. It was a 'smart' form of replication that cloned matter in a certain pattern to add to or complete an existing structure, this was mostly used for things like organ tissue.

That wasn't how he was planning to use it here, I was sure, but I never gave him the chance. I used the Entropy-Accelerating Arcana like I had in my duel with Neferuaten, disrupting the flow of eris. Then I hurled another chunk of the building at him. He dodged, and it struck the wall of the bioenclosure with tremendous force, creating cracks. He shouted in alarm, but I didn't care.

He tried to conjure another rain of nitrogen, but I used Ezekiel's body to occupy the intended site, cutting it off using his resistances. Theo cursed, then went back to shredding my own in a last-ditch effort. He manged to get my motion defense down, but it was already too late. I'd just finished with his last.

Kill him. Eliminate the threat.

I used the Object-Manipulating Arcana again to grab him, his eyes going wide with fear, then squeezed him like a toy. He screamed as his ribs cracked and his stomach split open like a compressed waterskin. Then I snapped his arms and legs like twigs, and the scepter fell from his hand. I smashed him into the bioenclosure wall and heard his spine shatter, and he slid to the ring of bronze flooring that surrounded the periphery like a piece of discarded meat, a red smear trailing alongside. He was finished.

Kill him.

I dropped to the ground again myself, and moved in close. His body was immobile, but he looked at me, his features full of anguish and sorrow as blood squirted out of his nostril, blending with his tears. I looked back, but nothing in my heart stirred at the sight.

"P-Please, no, Utsu..." he moaned. "I-I'm sorry... I shouldn't have... I just wanted to..."

I didn't respond to the words, though I did slow as I approached, stopping just short of his bloody legs. My barrier absorbed the friction from the frozen grass..

Theo gasped a few times, and his eyes briefly wandered with a look of horror, seeming to realize what was about to happen to him. Then he closed them tightly, grimacing, his face full of pained regret.

"I... I love you, Utsu!" he wailed, like he was forcing the words out of his throat. "Ever since we were kids, and you would always help me, h-hang out with me when no one else would... I've always loved you. I know you don't even like men, but... But..."

What the hell, Kamrusepa was right about that after all? A small part of my mind registered.

That's so annoying.

"I s-should have-- Should have just told you everything on the first day after all, and not let what they said frighten me. I should have... Trusted you, instead of just expecting you to trust me..." he moaned, sobbing. "I just wanted to protect you. I wanted you to be safe..."

I stepped a little closer to him.

"Utsu..." he said again, his voice growing weak. He coughed up an immense amount of blood, and it rolled down the side of his chin to his broken, twisted chest. "P-Please... I know you loved her... I'm so sorry."

But I only stared at him in response, only able to process him as an object; an enemy of providence. He was not there, and I was not there. I felt like I should have been furious, angry and vengeful beyond words, betrayed.Or maybe sad. Sad that this was a person who-- Who--

Who what? What was my relationship with this individual?

Everything felt distant and violently painful at the same time, like I'd woken up during surgery, or I was being crushed by a great weight that had broken my neck first, leaving only a numb, distant sensation of pressure as the rest of my body was reduced to pulp. An emptiness grew in me that swallowed everything.

Got to lower the barrier. Eris is down to 25%.

"I-It's so silly, but that time..." Theodoros spoke weakly, trying to smile as his voice cracked. "When you f-finally came back from Itan, and I saw you for the first time in all those years, and my dad took us to the theater... A-And you said you still always thought about me whenever y-you wanted to become a healer, and that you were really glad I hadn't changed... I felt so ha--"

"I'm not Utsushikome of Fusai," I said coldly.

He stopped, looking confused. "Wh--"

I smashed him in the face with my scepter with strength I didn't know I had. His glasses shattered and I heard something in his cheek crack painfully. Then I swung again, this time breaking his nose, to which he couldn't even muster much of a cry of pain.

"I'm not Utsushikome of Fusai," I repeated, emotionless. "I'm not Utsushikome of Fusai. I'm not Utsushikome of Fusai. I'm not Utsushikome of Fusai. I'm not Utsushikome of Fusai."

I hit him again and again and again and again. I broke the bones of his brow and crushed and split open his eyeballs. I shattered his jaw and left it hanging limp. I hit him until the structure of his skull itself started to give way, bone splintering and snot, blood and brain spilling forth freely. Onto his clothes. Onto his red hair, now almost blackened. Onto me.

I kept hitting him long after his body was limp and dead, until the muscles of my arms and back burned and my lungs screamed for me to stop. My whole body was coated in sweat. I stumbled backwards, barely able to stand.

Then I opened my mouth wide, and screamed. Primal, like a wounded animal.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Then the strength left my voice, leaving me whimpering and gasping. I looked at the body in front of me, and my bloodied hands and scepter, and felt like a child that had been abandoned somewhere far from home. I felt lost, scared. I couldn't focus my thoughts even to the functional level they'd been subsisting at a few minutes earlier.

Ran! I suddenly thought. I've got to check on her. I've got to help her.

I rushed back across the bioenclosure, not caring as the grass wrecked my sandals and cut into my feet now that my barrier was gone. I ran towards my friend, who was still prone against the wall. One of her hands was resting on her wounded chest, while the other still gripped her scepter. Her eyes were only half closed, her brown irises looking off to the left.

I didn't look at the refractor wound on her forehead. Or the blood that had pooled where she was sitting, and I could see probably covered her entire back.

I remembered the training that had been beaten into me, the right protocol to follow for someone who has suffered a serious and unattended head wound. The wound goes all the way through. She's already dead. I used the Death-Sensing Arcana to assess her organ health and bloodflow. Her heart is long gone. Almost all the cells attending the brain are gone. She's already dead. I used my Negenthropic-Resuscitating Arcana, the technique I'd brought to show the Order, to try and restore coherency to her biological systems, and managed to drastically restore organ health, but it wasn't enough to wake her up.

I reached out to check her pulse. She was room temperature. I jerked my hand away, like I'd touched something scathingly hot.

I stepped away from her, suddenly afraid. I opened my mouth and gasped repeatedly, but no sound came out. I wrapped my hands around my chest, falling down to the pavement, landing awkwardly on my butt.

Oh, god. Oh god...

I wanted to scream again. I wanted to cry, I wanted more than anything to cry. But it was like the pieces inside me to make it happen were missing.

"R-Ran... Ran!" I half-shouted. "Ran!"

She didn't reply, just lying there, motionless.

I kept gasping, inhaling sharp breaths, unable to look away. "Ran, I... I..."

Finally, the tears came, like a dam bursting in the wake of a tidal wave. I sobbed into my bloody hands, feeling like I had reached the nadir of the earth, the end of all things. I wailed hopelessly, the whole world feeling like it was poison.

"Ran... I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" I shouted. "I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have made you... I never... I never told you..." My words became more and more incoherent as the sobs became heaves, like I was trying to vomit up my own aching chest.

"I'm so sorry..." I repeated, feeling like I was choking. "I... I'm so sorry... Uuaaghh..."

What had I done? Not only had I destroyed the person who she really cared for, I'd lied to her about it for so many years, denying her the feelings she deserved. I'd repurposed her compassion for Shiko to serve my own ends, which had led to her wasting years of her youth following me in this deranged quest that should have been my responsibility from the beginning. And at the very end, I'd led her to this awful place to die, not even for a good reason, but for what seemed like a stupid misunderstanding. Because the culprit had been trying to carry out someone else's plan without even fully understanding its basis.

I'd failed her. Killed her, just as much as I'd killed Shiko.

All the things I should have said and done struck my mind over and over again like a cracking whip. The conversation we should have had when I told her the truth, and all the ways I'd imagined it could have gone. The various manners I could have acted differently - reasoned better, hesitated less, been less of a fucking idiot - over the course of the night to prevent this outcome. All the words of how much she'd meant to me that I'd strangled in my throat again and again for one stupid reason or another.

All worthless. This was the end. The end.

"Ran," I wailed, crawling a little closer to her. "M-My Ran..."

I cried, and cried, and cried. I don't even know how long I was sat there. I felt stuck in a feedback loop, like if I did anything else, I'd somehow be accepting the situation. 'Confirming' it, as if reality cared what I felt one way or the other. I thought about how easy it would be to trace the Life-Slaying Arcana and die right there.

To never have to face it. To just disappear, here alongside her.

But then, as I thought about what we'd been through together, I suddenly remembered. I reached out, checking my bag.

The echo maze. It's still intact.

No, my thought had been wrong. This wasn't quite 'the end'.

Because... Even if everything else was gone, I still had one more duty I needed to fulfill. To let myself focus on grieving in a moment like this was indulgent. Even if I'd lost everything, there was still a person I had a responsibility to save.

Slowly, I pushed what was in front me out of my mind, shaking my head. Shakily, I forced myself to my feet.