The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere

Inner Sanctum Exterior | 5:09 PM | Second Day

"Uh," Ptolema said. "What?"

This felt like a pretty apt question. It wasn't so much a shocking thing to hear as it was absurd to the point of being a non-sequitur, as though we'd just heard that the secret to perpetual motion was making a machine that ran on custard. It defied common sense to such an extent that a meaningful request for clarification didn't even feel possible.

"Perhaps that's putting it over-dramatically," Neferuaten said, raising a finger to her mouth contemplatively. "Certainly it is nothing we could recognize as akin to a human mode of thought, or indeed otherwise observed in the universe, be it earthly or extraterrestrial. But nevertheless, there are clear signs of something akin to preferences, and mood which alters based on shifting criteria. A will, in other words."

"But that can't be possible," I said. "I mean, entropy is just-- Well, physics. Thermodynamics."

"Utsushikome, I know I've told you before that to seek knowledge as a human being is to be as a man trapped in a cave since he was born, staring out a slim crack in the stone, attempting to comprehend the whole of the world from that single view," she said. "Tell me. What is our universe? How did it come to be?"

"Um..." I said, hesitating as I was put on the spot despite the superficial simplicity of the question. "Well, as far as we know, the Timeless Realm, which contains all fundamental matter, has always existed - along with the 10 conventional dimensional forces, which intersect and overlap with each other around the matter. Some of those intersections were asymmetrical, creating instability and the 11th special dimensional force, time. The process of those intersections breaking down created the phenomena we describe as energy and mass, which at some point led to the first planes. Ours in particular came about when a large amount of energy was discharged from from somewhere else in the inter-dimensional landscape, and--"

"'As far as we know,' 'at some point, 'came from somewhere else'..." Neferuaten chuckled to herself. "Truly, if mankind were running a restaurant with the ingredients through which we conduct our science, we'd be lucky to make it past our first inspection." She shook her head. "Even with our civilization's unparalleled knowledge of the planes and their interaction, we still know next-to-nothing about what our world is, only what it does. We know nothing about why these fundamental forces exist, and barely more about their attributes beyond what directly affects us - at best investigating the residue on reality's window. For all we know, this could all be happening within the nightmare of a sleeping god."

"But we do know what entropy is," I insisted. "It's just an emergent quality of energy in some planes in which gravity is exceeded by motion in terms of potential force, without anything else to taper it. You taught me that countless times yourself."

"And it is the truth," she said calmly, nodding. "...but just because something is a product of its environmental circumstances does not mean it cannot come to possess intelligence - all of us here are the offspring of physics, despite pretensions of a special existence. Our minds crackle with electromagnetic pulses that are physical phenomena no different from the fusion which alit stars in the old world and powers our convention furnaces. Who is to say that the death of galaxies could not, too, create something like thought? And that those thoughts could not come to self-reflect, and modify their own function?"

She really believes this insane idea, I realized. This isn't just playing devil's advocate. It's genuine theorizing.

"I-- Brain activity is a direct product of the whole body being built to facilitate it, though," I said, feeling like I needed to push back. "The anima script, cells - they're all built to cultivate coherency in the physical processes of the human mind. It couldn't just arise on its own without that framework developed by evolution to support it, just... Pop up at random."

Neferuaten chuckled. "And how do you know a plane is not the same thing? Not a series of cosmic accidents, but a refined process to develop beings beyond human understanding?"

I opened my mouth, but didn't know what to say in response. Hearing things like this, which felt closer to mysticism than natural philosophy, come out of her mouth so casually...

Well, it was jarring, to say the least.

"If that hypothesis seems like a stretch, then consider this instead," Neferuaten digressed. "Imagine that you take a man raised in the wilderness to a play - someone to whom the very concept is foreign. You force him to sit still and not speak up, but otherwise you tell him nothing of what he was seeing. Do you think he would interpret what he saw for the drama it was? Or would he misinterpret it for what it appeared on the surface: Mere interaction between human beings?"

"This is the second time in the past five minutes that you've basically repackaged the allegory of the cave and presented it as your own concept," Ran said flatly. "Just putting that out there."

"Please try to temper your cruelty, miss Hoa-Trinh," Neferuaten said, with a hopeless smile. "I'd really prefer if my ego survived until the end of the weekend. ...Regardless, you understand my point. Entropy has a role, and performs it well. But there is nothing to say we have not misunderstood the actor as the character. In fact, knowing what we do, that may be all too likely to be the case."

"How strong is the evidence for this idea?" Ran asked skeptically.

"At this point?" Neferuaten leaned her head back, scrunching her hair against the glass, and made a ponderous look. "Virtually indisputable. Saahdia's original conclusion has been replicated a dozen times by our scholars in far more expansive and formalized studies, and we've even performed Divination to confirm, roughly, the existence of extra-dimensional structures that would allow such a being autonomy. If entropy - or whatever entity oversees it - is not sentient, then it is at the very least something vastly different to what we have ever imagined."

"This is nuts," Ptolema said, wide-eyed.

"If you've been certain about this for so long, then why isn't it public knowledge already?" Ran asked. "Nothing about physics research comes even close to breaking the biological continuity oath. There's no reason to have kept it a secret."

"In terms of legality, you're absolutely right," Neferuaten said, nodding slightly. "Probably ethically, as well." She glanced downward. "But there have been concerns about what reactions the information, and the implications it carries for our understanding of the cosmos, would provoke in the wider scholarly community. There are many more things one can do with a thinking being than an inanimate law of nature."

"I'm not sure what you're suggesting," Ran said, lowering her brow.

"The Interluminary Strife was caused by the arcanists of the First Resurrection attempting to tamper with, if only at a surface level, the labors of the Ironworkers in the hopes of further restoring our home plane," she explained. "There are many who remain fundamentally dissatisfied with the Remaining World, seeing it as little more than a glorified tomb for mankind. To them, a revelation like this would open many perceived avenues for change, salvation... Humanity is most endangered when its capacity for scientific endeavor exceeds its understanding of the implications, and when cliques of educated individuals make decisions which should rightly belong to civilizations."

"But there are already lots of ways the Power is used and researched that potentially create existential threats," Ran replied firmly. "We tolerate it because we trust the Censors to oversee things, even if it's not a guarantee, and because the College of Arcanists decided 400 years ago that the best way to make knowledge safe was to proliferate it. You're making arguments that were rejected generations ago."

Neferuaten said nothing, her expression betraying only a slight, mundane discontent, like she was thinking about having left the oven on.

"If this is all true, then the more obvious motive is probably that you want to monopolize research into it," Ran said, more as a matter-of-fact statement than an accusation.

"That's true," Neferuaten said.

"Which means that there's a reason to want to do that which you aren't telling us," she continued. "And also that your argument is hypocritical."

She wasn't wrong, but I sort of wished she wasn't being so aggressive about it.

"I won't deny either," Neferuaten replied, and reached into her pocket, pulling out the cigarette she'd just extinguished a few minutes earlier. "Why did I stop smoking this when I decided to try and act serious...? Terrible idea."

She put it back in her mouth, and quickly flicked her finger around a few times, drawing a simple incantation to reignite the flame. She let it sit in her mouth like that for a few moments while Ran waited expectantly, staring into the middle distance.

"Don't be under any illusions, miss Hoa-Trinh," she eventually said. "By this point, the conceited nature of our organization should be obvious to you. We defied the nations under the Covenant, and later the Old Yru Convention, because we believed we knew better than the consensus of mankind in how to build a stable and prosperous world. And that is the case in regard to this, as well. We have a vision for the future in which we believe absolutely, and no trust for the wisdom of other scholars-- Or worse, administrators."

I'd noticed that normally, when Neferuaten spoke of how the order was managed, she often distanced herself from it in her use of language, as if she was merely a better informed outsider with no true agency in the situation. It was striking how different this set of statements was.

"So you don't think you count, when talking about all the ways toying with a discovery like this could be incredibly dangerous," Ran said. "Because you trust yourself to be smarter."

"Precisely!" Neferuaten exclaimed, pointing to her with what I was pretty certain was mock-enthusiasm. "Though, I'm not sure if I'd apply that to the whole organization. I trust ­myself to be smarter, and I'm comfortable with the others because I know them well enough to render them predictable-- To consider their potential fuck-ups known quantities." She smirked. "I'm sure they all feel the same way."

"Geez," Ptolema said. "You're being really shameless about all of this."

"I'm just trying to be upfront, miss Rheeds," Neferuaten said. "I'm happy to be known as hypocritical, selfish, or even foolish, but the one thing that makes my stomach churn is the idea of miss Hoa-Trinh, and of course you and Utsuhikome, walking away from this conversation with the impression that we're all megalomaniacs without any degree of mindfulness of we're doing. It has been, if nothing else, among my foremost goals to promote self-awareness among the administration of this organization."

"You're fine with the meglomania, though," Ran said dryly.

Neferuaten laughed, then exhaled, the flame on the cigarette flaring and fading.

"Let's move on from your lack of ethics," Ran continued bluntly. "You still haven't addressed my original question."

"Yeah, maybe I'm being dumb and missing stuff, but none of this seems like an explanation for what this place is for, let alone where it is," Ptolema said, with a confused frown. "I mean, don't get me wrong-- It's crazy, but..."

"Now that I've told you this much, it should be easy enough to explain," Neferuaten said. "As the Ironworkers created the planes and their respective planets, they also created many smaller structures for the purpose of specific experiments. Often, these were linked to and operated in harmony with the Tower of Asphodel itself, which means we cannot replicate them even today - at least, not without endangering the stability of our own reality."

"And this is one of them?" I asked, jumping to what felt like the obvious conclusion.

"Staying one step ahead as usual, Utsushikome," she said warmly. "Yes, you're correct. When the order made these discoveries regarding entropic force, it sought out one of the creations the Ironworkers wrought to isolate and study the phenomenon in their efforts to perfect planar physics. That is the true, or at least foremost, nature of this place. You might think of it as an observation facility for death itself."

"But we haven't seen anything to suggest that," I said, glancing around. "In fact, other than the logic engines and whatever is in the personal laboratories, there's barely any specialized equipment at all."

"It's as miss Hoa-Trinh speculated earlier," Neferuaten explained. "The true heart of this sanctuary lies underground, beneath anything you have seen thus far. It's the beating heart around which everyone else is oriented."

So that part of the vision was correct...

That felt like a really bad sign. ...though, it didn't make it a sure thing. Concealing important things underground wasn't exactly a concept so novel it couldn't have been replicated by a mentally loose screw.

"What's there?" Ran asked, the words of the question firm.

"That," Neferuaten said, and paused for a moment to exhale smoke, "I won't say. But only because I strongly suspect you will soon have an opportunity to see for yourself. And it is something better seen than put crudely into words."

That was ominous. I shared a look of unease with Ran, biting my lip.

I felt the presence of the strange key I'd received from Zeno in my pocket. The subtle weight tugging against the fabric.

What had he said? Something which could change the world...

"None of this adds up to me," Ran said, sullen. "Why is the order even interested in something like this, to the point you'd build your entire headquarters around it? You're a group that's focuses on human longevity. I know your personal research focuses on the entropic collapse of systems in the human body, but this should be miles out of your wheelhouse."

"It should be, but..." She gave a small, almost meek shrug. "Things have a way of getting out of hand. But I'm afraid there's not much more I can say about that for now."

"What about where we are?" Ptolema asked.

"I can say something about that, but it's also tricky in its own right," Neferuaten said. "What you must understand that, while the reality we experience appears as a consistent three-dimensional space - and from a human perspective, more or less is - the Ironworkers, by all accounts, actually did a very patchwork job. Behind the scenes, space-time in the Remaining World is a mess."

"So we're in, what, some inter-dimensional pocket after all, like a regular arcane refuge?" Ran inquired.

"That's couldn't be right," Ptolema said, scratching her head. "I mean, we can see the ocean right here."

"Miss Rheeds is correct," Neferuaten said. "...or rather, her assumption is at least closer to the truth. This is not an inter-dimensional pocket. But it is also true that we are not simply on the seafloor of the Atelikos." She sighed. "As I said, it's tricky."

"Why can't you tell us explicitly, grandmaster?" I asked.

"I said as much already," she stated. "Because it would mean revealing a great deal, and also because I simply can't. The most I could tell you would be how the order came upon this place, and that, already, is something it would be dangerous for you to even understand."

"Dangerous," Ran echoed.

"I told you before, Utsushikome, that a great tragedy took place in the last headquarters of the order," she said, her tone suddenly becoming more dour. There was a delicacy to it, as well, making it seem like her words were being curated very carefully. "Though it may be imperceptible to you, there is a great spiral of conflict surrounding our work here, one in which the order is only a small part. Our organization exists, is able to exist, because we have all come to deeply understand that conflict and navigate it as we conduct our business. But you are just children. That makes you inherently vulnerable."

"H-Hold on, what?" Ptolema interjected. "What's this about some 'conflict', all of a sudden? Do you mean something violent?"

"'Violent', I should think, is the least of it," Neferuatern said, narrowing her eyes.

Ptolema rubbed her eyes. "This is going totally over my head."

"Good!" Neferuaten replied, raising her brow. "All you need to understand is that it is not just for the order's privacy, but for your own good I will not say more."

"Seems kinda convenient," Ran said. "...but let's double back a second. If we take this idea, that there's some vague 'conflict' going on that makes what you do here dangerous, and we combine that with what you told us a minute ago... It sort of casts that threat we saw during the conclave in a different light. I mean, it's one thing to accuse a group of crimes against an unspecific god of death when they're just doing medical research. It's another when there might literally be an entity that could be described in that way, and that group is actively fucking with it."

That's a good point, I thought, my eyes widening a bit.

"Don't misunderstand," Neferuaten said carefully. "When I say that entropy is conscious, I don't mean that it's the kind of being that could possibly be communing with and giving instruction to human beings. In fact, I doubt it's even capable of recognizing our existence."

"That's not what I mean," Ran corrected her, shaking her head. "I mean that it sounds like someone with insider knowledge."

"Oh," Neferuaten said, and then hesitated for a moment. "...well, yes. I'll confess that, after you'd all left, the possibility was discussed."

"If that's the case, then this event should be called off right now," Ran said. "Someone like that is much closer to an actual threat then some random zealot who managed to make off with Kam's logic engine. It's a bad idea to go on with that even as an off-chance."

I tensed up so sharply at this that the others must have noticed. What is she saying? We haven't seen Samium yet!

"U-Uh," I said, my voice quiet but urgent. "Hold on, uh..."

"Miss Hoa-Trinh..." Neferuaten interrupted, pushing herself back upright a little and looking at Ran specifically. "No, Ran. I can appreciate that you're not the type to indulge in idle curiosity, and that probably everything you've asked in the last few minutes has been solely out of concern for your and Utsushikome's well-being. "

Ran didn't deny it, looking up at her with an expressionless stare.

"So I want to make a promise to you, here and now," she went on. "And that is that, so long as I am still breathing, nothing will happen to make this event in any way dangerous for you or your classmates. I'm sure you knew from the outset that the order would be keeping secrets from you, and it is true that our work is sometimes dangerous, both personally and at a grander scope." She knelt to meet Ran at eye level, where she was sitting. "However. Much has been spent to make this one weekend absolutely insulated from that danger, and I say that as someone who understands the situation more than any other, even the rest of the council."

That's an odd claim to make. But I could see that she was being sincere.

"As I think you yourself have realized, quirks aside, this place is a fortress as much as it is anything else. And it is a fortress of which I am the mistress. So as long as one of my other colleagues hasn't inexplicably­ decided to being in another guest with prosognostic overlap, thus inviting about the only existential threat for which we ­don't have a defense..." She clicked her tongue, then refocused her gaze on the girl in front of her. "...then I promise you, nothing will happen. And should you choose to walk away from our organization forever afterward, trouble will not follow you. I have done everything to ensure that these four days exist solely that you might make a fair judgement of us from a position where you are safe."

Ran was silent, for a moment, the two of them staring at each other with locked eyes.

It really was starting to confuse me. Neferuaten had used this same type of tone back when she'd been showing us the initiation chamber; talking about how she wanted us to understand the order. To 'judge' it.

...but when I thought about it, wasn't the opposite of what we were supposed to be here to do? To be evaluated as the next generation of healers and cultivate outreach between the wider academic community and order; that was the on-the-box premise of all this. We were here as supplicants and peacemakers. Not arbiters.

And putting it like that. Not as a chance to build connections, but a choice we were here to make. To accept the Order of the Universal Panacea, its dangers, and its history and goals... Or to reject them.

I was starting to get the impression that, rather than accepting the conclave as the other members had wanted it, pushed into a back seat... The real situation was the opposite. That she'd taken control. Turned it into something for a different purpose altogether.

What'd she said, back then? 'Before what happens later today', she wanted us to understand.

The moment stretched on for a while longer, but eventually Ran glanced in my direction for just a brief moment. Then, she sighed, frowning and turning head head away from Neferuaten. "Fine. Whatever's going on, it does seem like you're sincere about this, and we have enough to worry about already."

Neferuaten exhaled in relief, smiling. "I'm glad you feel you can trust me."

"Let's not go nuts," Ran said. "I'm still creeped out by not knowing what's going on and all the weird insinuations you keep making, and I don't even know if you can back up your words. But at least a lot more experienced than us and obviously know what you're doing, so I'm making a judgement that, on balance, it's not worth making a stink."

"Very mercenary," Neferuaten said cheerily, standing back up again. "But I'll accept it as a win, considering how this conversation has been going for me overall."

"Personally, this is still all kinda freaking me out," Ptolema said. "Are there really people killing each other over this stuff? Over like, research? That's like something from a Mourning Period drama."

"It's not that simple, miss Rheeds," Neferuaten said, shaking your head. "One of the things I miss most about being young is being able to break the world down into little segments. Violence and civility. Work and personal. X thing happens for Y reason. Action begets reaction... But the older I become, the more obvious it is that it's all just a complete mess. Everything becomes mixed with everything else, until it's not clear at all why anyone is motivated to do anything, what's active and what's reactive..." She picked at one of her eyes, lowering the cigarette. "Pardon me. I'm blabbering on like a fool."

Ptolema shifted uncomfortably. "Well, uh, just so you get where I'm coming from, it's not the 'over research' part I was really focused on, y'know? Like, I'm sure it's complicated. It's the whole, like. Murder stuff."

She nodded a few times, understanding. "Well, to offer something more concrete on that count it might make you feel a little better to know that Anna spoke truthfully earlier," Neferuaten said, with a reassuring smile. "There really is no way to smuggle anything in here. Fang got by only because she wasn't there to oversee their arrival, but I did. And now this place is shut tight. So they'll be no more unexpected complications."

"Oh," Ptolema said. She considered this for a moment, crossing her arms. "I guess that does make me feel kinda better, even if all this stuff about laws of physics being able to think is weird as hell."

"Best prepare yourself," Neferuaten said, some of her slyness returning. "I fear the greater quantity of weirdness tonight is yet to come.'

Ptolema snorted, then laughed nervously. "G-Great."

After that, for the first time in a while, silence fell. Neferuaten went back to smoking, and Ran picked up her book again, seeming to have made a decision to let that be that, while Ptolema and I sat in stunned silence. I stared vacantly at the expensive shoes I'd put on for this event, now subtly soiled - along with the rest of my clothes - with blades of skia. At least the robe was mostly blue.

Eventually, Neferuaten spoke up again, her voice reverted to its original casual tone. "I feel a bit silly dragging this out further, since I feel we sort of reached a climax there. But I did actually come out here to say something specific to Utsushikome and Ran." She looked back to Ptolema. "Can I steal the two of them from you for a moment, miss Rheeds?"

I perked up.

This could only be about one thing.

"Nahh, no need for that," Ptolema said, pushing herself up to her feat. "I'll get out of your hair instead. This whole break thing has gone on longer than I thought it would. Think I'll grab a snack, catch up with the others."

"Fair enough."

"See you guys in a bit," she said, as she stepped away. "And, uh, thanks for challenging my whole understanding of reality, I guess. Even if I was only here by accident."

Neferuaten chuckled. "One thing, miss Rheeds."

Ptolema turned as she was leaving. "Yeah?"

"I have a feeling that most - if not all - of what I've just told you will, very soon, come out to everyone in your class. Most likely tonight." She lowered her gaze slightly. "But until that time, I'd like it if you could keep what I just explained to yourself--"

"Yeah, yeah," Ptolema said, waving her off as she resumed walking. "I'm not dumb. I'll keep it to myself."

Neferuaten smiled and said nothing further, and we watched Ptolema head back to the door. When she was gone, she turned back to face us.

"I know that you mentioned this was something involving both of you, to some extent, Utsushikome," she said, looking at me. "But are you alright with me going into this, with Ran present?"

I felt my heart start to race. The second moment of truth.

I looked to Ran. She was still holding her book, but had turned her eyes upwards in quiet resolution.

"...yeah," I said. "It's fine."

"Very well," she said. "Before the start of the conclave, I had a chance to visit Samium in his room--"

It felt like time dissolved. Every moment passed in excruciatingly slow motion and horrifyingly high speed at the same time, like I was watching my life, all of the last 12... No, the last 20 years tumble along a roulette wheel.

"--and he agreed to meet with you, whenever we're finally done with the presentations."

Once again, I felt that strange cocktail that begun with incredible relief, and then led into a spike of renewed anxiety.

I looked to Ran. She had no visible reaction first, but smiled slightly when she realized I was looking.

"So I suppose that's my part in whatever this is finished," Neferuaten went on. "Hopefully, you'll get whatever you're hoping for out of it."

"T-Thank you, grandmaster," I said, my voice cracking as I practically exhaled at the same time as speaking.

"No need for that," she said, smiling and twisting her brow with puzzlement at the same time. "I just had a word with him while performing one of the twice-daily checkups we do. Stroke of luck for you that I was up in the schedule this afternoon, I suppose-- Had completely forgot amidst everything else going on."

"No, it's... I..." I opened my mouth a few times, only to close it as I realized I didn't know what to say. I felt more grateful in this moment than I had in years, and I had to fight against my eyes to stop them welling up with tears. "Really, thank you so much. I can't explain how much this means to me. To have this chance."

She chuckled nervously. "I really do get the sense that I'm missing something here, Utsushikome." She looked away, taking another drag from the cigarette. "But then, I suppose it's really not any of my business."

What would she think, if she knew what I really was doing?

Would she try to stop me? Or would she just be disgusted at learning what kind of person she'd been close to, all this time?

Or would she call me a fool for having even tried, like Autonoe basically had?

But even though those thoughts crossed my mind, they were simultaneously overwhelmed by the deeper understanding that there was no point in even thinking them in the first place. It didn't matter what other people felt. What mattered was what I knew to be just.

And compared to that, none of what else was happening mattered.

"Well, that's all I had to say, so I best be getting back," she said. "We'll probably be starting again in ten, maybe fifteen minutes, so I'd start thinking about if there's anything you want to do before then, were I you."

"Thanks for the warning," Ran said, eyes back on her book.

"You're quite welcome," she said, turning to leave. "Just make sure to prepare yourself emotionally for the rest of the night. I promise it will be safe, but I can't promise it won't be tiring."

At these words, and the realization I was about to miss my chance, my train of thought was jerked away from that intense place to something else that'd been on my mind.

"Uh, before you go, grandmaster..." I said. "Are you and Fang, uh. Working together, in some way?"

She stopped, but didn't turn back around. "What makes you say that, Utsushikome?"

"Well, you were the one to let them in," I said. "Other than that... I don't know. Just a sense of how things played out. The way you responded to what happened, how you looked so calm..."

She snorted, then chuckled a little bit more. "...as ever, you're good at picking up on the little things." She turned her head to face me, a look of mischief on her face. "But you could learn something from your friend about knowing when to play your cards for the strongest result."

And with that, she left before I could make further comment.

"God, that lady," Ran said, after she'd passed through the door.

"Do you dislike her?" I asked.

"What? Don't be melodramatic." she said, frowning. "She's just sketchy."

"I wish you didn't dislike her," I said.

"Don't do this shit to me, Su," Ran said flatly.

I leaned the side of my cheek against the glass. I wished there was something to add to the view. Some fish, plants...

"What did you mean earlier," she asked, as she turned a page, "when you said that you were losing your mind?"

"Wh--Oh, right," I said, remembering. The last 20 minutes felt like they'd gone on for hours. "I think I might be developing psychic powers."

"No kidding," she said sardonically.

"It feels stupider and less realistic the more time passes, but right before the conclave was called off, I had sort of a vision of what was going to happen next. Like... I wasn't just my imagination running wild, it was all projected into my mind at once as a premonition. Like I was remembering the future."

"You're probably just going insane from putting yourself under so much stress," she said, without particular emphasis.

"Maybe," I conceded. "But a little bit of it did seem to match with what the grandmaster told us just now. And I've been having these weird flashes like that since yesterday, of... Something more than deja vu, like there's something terrible at the periphery of my mind."

She eyed me. "You've been taking your medication, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I've been taking it."

She nodded slightly. "You said this vision only got parts correct. Did it get parts wrong?"

"Well, yeah," I admitted.

"I think you've got yourself way too worked up," she said, leveling her gaze at me. "If we were back in the city, I'd tell you to go home and relax. As it is, maybe you should just stay in your room and rest tomorrow. Frankly, other than Linos and your old teacher, I'm not getting a great vibe in terms of making connections with these people."

"I mean... Since I'll be seeing Samium tonight, I'm not sure I'll be in an emotional state to do much of anything tomorrow, regardless of what happens," I said.

"Oh, yeah," she said, quietening a bit. "That's true."

A moment passed. She flipped back to an earlier part of her book for some reason, the pages rustling as she went.

"I still can't really believe it," I said. "That it's actually going to happen."

"Yeah," Ran said, sounding like she was suddenly operating on 12 hours less sleep. "Seems so."

"You don't seem happy."

"No, I am," she said, though didn't display any greater signs of it. "...or at least, I'm glad we got this far, instead of being shot down at some point along the way." She looked at me. "And I'm happy that you had the will to make it happen."

"You're not happy," I said hesitantly, "about the prospect of seeing her again?"

She was silent.

"Ran," I said, quietly.

"It's been a long time, Su," she said, her voice carrying even less emotion than normal. "A really long time. The last time I saw-- The last time we... That I met that..." She struggled to find the right phrasing, her sentences stopping suddenly like a machine with a broken gear. Her face contorted in little twitches, and she looked away from me again. "The last time, I was still a tertiary schooler. And in retrospect, we barely knew each other."

"But you must be happy," I insisted. "About finally making things right. Right?"

She didn't say anything.

"We became healers just for the chance of making something like this day happen," I went on, my tone becoming more distant as she deviated from the response I'd wanted. "To make the right connections, to find someone who could help. To make things right. Normal, again."

She didn't say anything.

"You were the one who told me that was my responsibility, remember?"

She didn't say anything.

"I still remember how you acted when we first met," I said, my face cracking into a strange, uneven smile, as I looked away and towards the ground. "When you called me a 'disgusting, perverse piece of filth.' I'd never seen anyone be so mad at me... And the next day, and gave me all those rules I needed to follow..."

She didn't say anything.

"I was really, really happy, you know? It was such a relief." My body felt like it was becoming very still. "That someone had finally noticed something was wrong. That someone knew how to fix it."

She didn't say anything.

"That it meant something. That I could be punished."

She didn't say anything.

"You do remember, right...?"

"...yeah," she said, very, very softly. "I remember."

"So," I said, "aren't you happy?"

"It's been a really long time, Su."

"You already said that."

"I know," she said, with just a little resignation.

A minute or so passed where neither of us spoke. For a little while, I forgot that what I was staring into was water, and felt like the endless expanse of dark before me was instead starless sky, extending into oblivion.

"If it is what you want to do--"

"Yes," I spoke, without even a moment of hesitation.

"...then I'm happy," she said, after a moment. "If you really mean that, and it doesn't hurt you, then it's good."

It's difficult to completely express how much that was the opposite of what I wanted to hear. The words were like acid poured down my throat. My gut ached with furious revulsion, like it'd been punched by a grown man.

"That's disgusting," I said.

"Sorry," she said. The word came out stiff, but there was no guilt in it. No shame. shame, it was more like a meeting point between exhaustion and relief.

It made it even worse.

Some amount of time passed. It felt hard to tell how much. What should have been a moment of triumph was ruined, but I quickly stopped feeling explicit pain. Instead, it was more like my heart had gone numb, and I'd lost all sense of everything.

"I need to go the toilet before the conclave starts up again," Ran said, getting up. "I-- Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," I said distantly.

"Fuck, I... Shit." She ran a hand through her curly hair. "I didn't want to..." She exhaled sharply, getting a little flustered. "I didn't mean to put it like that, okay? Of course it's a good thing to do-- To want to do, I mean, even now. I just..."

I didn't say anything.

"Goddammit," she said, sounding more frustrated with herself than with me. "I'll come back if I don't see you waiting with the others in a few minutes, okay? I'll come back."

She left.

It felt like the world around me had faded away. There was no ground, no grass, no building behind me or glass against my face. Only the blackness. The void stretching into the infinite. Even my body felt distant.

Ran and I weren't united. We hadn't been, for a long time. There was no alliance, and even if the route we traveled was still one we had planned together, the journey had changed in pursuit of the destination, especially for her. The view she held of the world and what she understood as right had grown and changed, while mine had remained static.

I'd known that already, for years. So why had I decided to push things, like that? In what was still such an important moment?

Maybe I'd been looking for an excuse to tell her the whole truth again, like I'd been trying yesterday morning. That hearing how little her feelings about me resembled what they once were, what they should have been, would give me the strength to finally be completely honest. To bare my depraved and misbegotten nature without anything to soften it. To be righteously loathed, as I once was, and as I craved more than anything except for an end to this quest.

But I still hadn't said it. I hadn't found the strength.

So stupid. I could have used the moment to talk about so much that was weighing on my mind. The body I'd found with Kam, and her increasingly awful-feeling idea of keeping it a secret. Zeno's bizarre agenda with me, and how that related to what we'd just been told. Hell, it would have been nice just to have been able to process some of that in greater depth. There were so many things I only trusted her enough to talk about.

And I'd just thrown it away on some weird hangup instead, leaving us both feeling like shit.

Worthless. Absolutely worthless.

I'd been wrong a moment ago. Of course, it wasn't just the darkness I could see ahead.

'My' reflection was also visible in the glass. My large, dark eyes, framed by my classes, My dark hair, loose and awkwardly pushed upward as it was compressed against the reflective surface. My lips. My skin. My nose. I was frowning in such a childishly despondent way.

What right did I have to that indulgence. To use this face to make an expression like th--

...

In an instant, that train of thought vanished, giving way to something else.

Because there was a third thing I could see, beyond both the darkness and my reflection.

It looked very, very far away-- So distant that a moment ago, I'd been dismissing it as just a quick of the light. But now that I was really focused, I could see that it was something distinct, stark in opposition to its surroundings.

But at the same time, it was impossible. Something that couldn't be there. That I couldn't be seeing.

It was... A figure.

It looked like a woman, although that's something of an essentialist comment on my behalf, because about all I could tell was that it had what seemed to be long, flowing hair in starkly bright colors, bright pink and red and blue. And it was wearing what looked like a flowing white dress, cascading over its body.

It seemed to be standing on the seafloor.

I blinked a few times, presuming this had to be some strange trick of the light. When it didn't vanish, I sat up, and took off my glasses to try and get a better look.

But in looking at it more precisely, it somehow became even harder to make out a distinct form. It blurry, indistinct, and its limbs seemed to cascade over one another, ghostly and transparent. I tried to get a better look, feeling more and more sure it had to just be some mundane object that I was interpreting wrong. And that once I angled my view right, saw it in correct light, something in my brain would click into place, and everything would normal.

But then, as I fixated more and more on it, ...it moved. Its hair spun elegantly as it first took a step to the side, then turned in my direction.

My heart jumped in shock.

Its front started to come into view. It looked like there was something along the side of its face, long and thin, like a beak𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹𒊹

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