Spider-Man. The House Of Venom

Hey, yeah you, the one reading this, let me tell you a story, an origin story.

No wait, don't close the page, it's great, honest. There's guns and explosions and nobody utters a cliche phrase that goes viral. Well, maybe.

Let me take you back several chapters, right when the writer didn’t have writer's block and came up with a stupid idea. So stupid it’s awesome!

No, it’s just stupid.

Shut up you. Welcome to my story.

Welcome to...The Pool House.

More like The Crack House

I said SHUSH!

Cue the totally not stolen copyright free bitchin rock solo!!!

⁂

“And what the fuck does Harry expect me to do with this?” Shaw was not amused at the dead body he had been dumped with. Cellular regeneration was very powerful and made for good soldiers, but this one came with a flaw. It was an immortal gene sequence. Why would he ever unleash anything that could replace him? Even his own Weapon-eXtreme could be killed.

“Dump it in storage, and flood it with acid. I don’t want to see it ever again.”

⁂

So, there I waited until awesome Venom and the Venomettes freed me. 

No, wait, he didn't. The asshole left me, alone. I was in that damn tube with nothing to do but jerk off for five months. You can only imagine sex acts involving Bea Arthur so many times before it gets boring. Ha! I'm joking, that never gets boring, I mean, BOING! It's Bea time.

⁂

Haa, that’s much better. You’re still here? Shit, the origin story, right. So there I was, about to stroke the sausage for the eighth millionth time, when I was rudely interrupted.

Yeah, some metal douchebag heard my cries of passion and came to investigate.

And I didn't even get to finish.

HA! Who am I kidding, he just made it batter. (No, that isn't a typo, wink wink.)

⁂

“Charles. I have a situation.” Colossus was tasked with collecting evidence of Shaw's experiments from the Hellfire Club. He knew where some of Shaw's hidden stashes were, and some of his secrets. Being invulnerable also helped with some of the dangerous security.

He knew Shaw had done something to his mind and it was generous of Charles to help him work through issues. Poor Anne Marie was much worse and had to be sedated most of the time. It was a small thing to help the X-Men after the kindness he had been shown.

He was wary as he gently knocked on the tube, “Yes, are you okay.” He had heard some kind of grunting coming from inside the tube as if the person was in pain.

“I’m fine, just uh, a few, uh, yeah, uh, are you cute? Never mind, I'm done,” came the voice from inside. “Oh, new record, but I think I need to dust now.”

“I will free you, are you restrained? Is it safe to open the lock?'' Colossus asked. Some of the experimental subjects were booby-trapped. While he was fine, they had lost a young woman the day before.

“Just a minute” came a sing-song voice, “it's been a while since I had company and I  need to powder my nose.”

Colossus frowned. This tube had been sealed shut, with welding across the joints. “I am opening the tube now. I apologise if you are harmed.” Thick steel fingers tore through the metal of the pod and with a small grunt, Colossus ripped the doors free.

He gagged as the smell hit him. Not just the stale air smell but the man himself gave off a pungent odour.

“Uh, you might want to wash your hands,'' the man said, pointing at the door.

Colossus frowned and turned the door parts around. He gagged as he saw his hand in a pool of creamy white liquid, covering a much older speckled mouldy patch.

“Maybe disinfect it. I don't know what I might catch.” The man said as he stepped forward, zipping up his pants, “Man am I glad to be free of that tube. So, nice spangly suit, where can I get one of those?”

Colossus had pulled his hand free and was looking for anything to wipe his hand on, “You are mutant? I will call someone.”

The man grinned and gave him two thumbs up, “And food. I mean, regeneration is great but the sausage was such a small portion.”

Colossus paused for a moment, “Professor, I have another survivor. He is badly hurt and needs medical attention.”

Wade laughed “Oh no, I look like this normally. One hundred per cent ground chuck.” He tilted his head, “Chuck? Nah, I like Wade. I had to wade through a lot of shit to get here, so Wade it is.”

“Uh, Professor. I think you should take this one.”

⁂

Wade squealed as he saw the jet. It was big and black. Thick with plenty of thrust...no wait, wrong type of fanfic. Ahem. It was a manly jet, with two huge engines which hung alongside a massive cock...pit.

"Ooo, can I borrow this?" Wade asked as he slid on a suit without asking. It was a black and pale yellow outfit, "I feel so manly now, like a wild animal." He looked down, "Pity the yellow sucks monkey balls, but wait, I can fix it." He found a screwdriver and stabbed himself in the wrist, lending it bleed over the yellow panels. "See, not the best dye job, but it looks better now. Red is better than yellow. Red means danger. Yellow means custard." The blood soaked into the fabric, dying it a brown-red colour. "Ooo, I should give myself a stranger," Wade said as his stabbed hand flopped back and forth. "Nah, you're not as cute as I imagined."

Colossus just shook his head. Some mutants had issues from their powers. This mutant had issues regardless, and he could not wait until he was back at the mansion. Remy proved enough of a handful, he did not need another one.

⁂

It was standard procedure to make sure the person was actually an Augment. Aliens and Enhanced could mimic their powers perfectly, so Wade was given a physical. Tests revealed his powers were a mix of various other Augments collected by Shaw. It was a miracle he was still alive as his X-Gene was throbbing with power.

"Throbbing you say?" Wade had said. "With power?"

Hank sighed, "No, it is highly energetic. Stop twisting my words into something perverted."

"A pervert you say. Well, that's fine, I mean, you are a giant beanie baby, a delight to the senses, a furry's soppingly wet dream I may add."

"Please, please just leave."

Wade jumped off the table, "I know when I'm not wanted." He flounced from the medical bay, and Hank closed his eyes as he heard the first scream.

"Put some clothes on you damn idiot!" He yelled after him.

⁂

"Deadpool. I mean, I was cloned from a pool of dead Augments, and I do smell slightly of chlorine," Wade suggested. As nobody really objected to someone choosing their own codename, Deadpool it was. It was after that things got bad Worse.

"Hey, What do you think of Wilson as a surname, as I don't have one." He lifted the bottom of his mask and began to grunt, "oh oh oh."

"You see the top of his head, not the bottom, idiot."

"If you're nice, you can see the top of my head, cutie pie," Wade said with a wink. It was strange that his mask winked as well. Nobody even knew where he found it. Nobody else's mask winked.

⁂

Logan had just gotten back from Genosha, where the cleanup was still ongoing. He had been told by Laura the Autobots had reached out, and that Peter was in Wakanda.

Which was strange as Logan was sure he was in the mansion. He sniffed again. Yup. It was Peter.

He followed the smell around the mansion until it was covered by the acrid smell of a burnt-out lock. Logan huffed in annoyance and closed his eyes, calming himself. He had died throwing those kids into the Danger Room, but now he was back he was losing his temper more and more. He was here for a session with Charles to find out why.

Because Selene is refusing to sex you up, Rage said, you should get her drunk, and...

That's enough, Logan growled, it's not Selene. It's everything, We lost a lot of people, and sure Peter brought them back, but we still lost.

And we will. We are immortal, or we think we are. You lose people, then new people come along, it is life, it is...

It sucks and you know why. I could have saved more. Done more.

Things suck, let Selene suck and we will be calm.

Logan sniffed. The smell of Peter was here. In the laundry room of all places.

He opened the door and found a costumed man, wearing one of his old uniforms, sniffing a pile of laundry.

"Uh, it's not what it looks like," Deadpool said as he dropped the pile. "Well, I mean it is, but it could be worse. It could be the boy's pile."

"That ain't worse bub, you're still a fuckin’ pervert." Wolverine loved things like this. He had gone out with Laura one night and taken great joy in kicking a rapist in the nuts.

Better than Selene and her ability to hold her breath, Rage snarled, let's fuck him up.

"You and me. Let's fucking go!" Wolverine dived for Deadpool and rammed his claws into his chest.

"HA! You've seen the movie, but uh, you know, this hurts. So, uh." Deadpool pushed back, and drew the guns he had stolen earlier. He felt that was wildly irresponsible. Who kept guns in a school… "I'm gonna have to shoot you now."

⁂

Deadpool was hanging upside down, held tight by a bubble of telekinetic energy. Jean was not amused when Logan and Deadpool burst into one of the common rooms and continued to brawl. Across the room from him, Wolverine was in a similar bubble.

She had heard word that Peter was in Wakanda. As much as she wanted to go, the guilt of what she did was still pressing on her. Yes, Peter had made that wish and brought them back. Yes, her own powers had returned more to life, but it was her powers that killed them.

"Now. Do either of you irresponsible clowns want to tell me why you thought the common room was a good place to have a fight?"

"I caught him sniffing the girl's underwear, so I stabbed him. So, he shot me and it went from there," Wolverine replied nonchalantly, "can you let me down?"

Jean released Logan but held firm onto Deadpool, "And why, pray tell, were you in the girl's laundry room."

"Because you jackasses won't give me any money, and I have delicate skin. Boys briefs chafe."

Jean facepalmed, "Open your mind. If I find one indecent thought there I will...I will." She sighed, "I'll let Wolverine turn you into Lady Deadpool."

"Aww, that's cute but impossible. My mind is like a steel trap. Impenetrable, invincible. No, wait, it's like a Rubix cube with the stickers peeled off. Unsolvable, annoying. Well, one of those things."

Logan shook his head, "he's a clone of Peter. You can smell it. Guess he got all Pete's bad bits."

Deadpool squealed. "I have a daddy!"

Jean just looked at the grin on Wolverine's face. He was looking forward to telling Peter way too much

⁂

Hank had been worried all day. The cloning process had gone fine. There had been a few minor hiccups but no loss of life. With the machines copying Charles's powers, the mind transfer was successful as well.

What Hank worried though was Wade. He was annoying, but it was his way of getting under your skin that bothered Hank more than anything.

As he sat at his computer he sighed and called up the search engine. He remembered Wade's supposedly cutting remark. When Hank stared at him blank-faced, Wade seemed quite upset. As he paused slightly, he didn't know if he should search for what Wade said. With grim determination began to type.

What is a furry?

⁂

Charles sat the phone down, "Well, that was short and to the point."

Wade looked expectantly at Charles, who had just gotten off the phone with Peter.

"He said no."

Wade frowned, "did he say why? I mean, I'm his sugar baby, his animated cum sock. His forbidden love child. I'm his Annie, his Tiny Tim. Why Daddy! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!"

"Oh, I would imagine that is probably one of the reasons, but he is in Wakanda. Until he gets back to the United States, he can't do anything."

⁂

"Charles," said a small group of people. Hank, Ellie, Anne-Marie, Bobby, Ororo, Jean, and finally Logan all said. "We want him gone." If Charles was honest, he was sure some of them said dead.