Soulforged Dungeoneer

Louise and I didn't take a terribly long time to catch up. For all that it felt like what had happened was monumentally huge, in the end, she was back, and no harm done... and not that long had passed. She... had been frightened in the moment, of course, but it was pretty clear that it traumatized me more than her.

I had to spend some time thinking about that, as we met back up with Susie and went to the tavern to eat.

"You look like you're thinking hard," Susie interrupted me, eventually. "What's up?"

I looked back at her for a moment before I realized I'd tuned out whatever conversation they'd been having prior. Even though I searched back in my memory for it, I couldn't remember hearing anything they'd said, or even a general gist. Merry popped up to look at me, too, and instead of offering any explanation or information, she also just looked a little worried, though less worried than I felt. I looked down at the mostly-eaten meal in front of me and instead tried to figure out what exactly to say to all of that.

"I used to be okay with the idea of dying," I said after a bit. Louise seemed to tense up in response, and I looked at her, but didn't really process what she was feeling. "Back... back then, I mean, when I was in the dungeon alone, and solo diving was the only thing I'd ever done. Even back in Armand Bayou when I recklessly challenged the harpy boss, it still felt like if I died and became nothing more than a missing persons report, nobody would care."

I paused, still looking at Louise, and realized what I was saying, unintentionally, about her and our relationship. Why would I think that she didn't care? I frowned, but shook my head. Back then... although I was interested, and so was she, we barely knew each other. Even now, we'd only dated a bit. She might care, but... right now, it was only a hope for the future, not a firmly established relationship.

"Maybe that's the point," I mumbled, and tried to shake off my moping. "Everything... even us," and I looked at Louise, "even that was just a hope that seemed so distant it was like a dream. I kept expecting the dream to end without me being able to do anything about it. Just, someday, pow," and I hit one hand with the other, "fate would take everything out of my hands and I'd be back where I started."

"But you're not that weak," protested Louise, and she reached out and took my hand. "You're amazing, Jerry, and you know it."

I pulled my hand back, a little hesitantly. "No, that's not what I mean. I wasn't... I wasn't thinking about the consequences of my actions. I figured if I screwed up, or if something terrible happened, that was just the inevitable hand of fate smacking me down. I... guess I wasn't taking it seriously."

Susie snorted, and I opened my eyes to look at her. "Man, you're whining," she offered, unhelpfully, and downed the rest of the can of beer she had with her lunch.

I took a deep breath and started to object when Merry reached out and put a mental hand on me. I get it, and I kinda don't, she said. You didn't care about life, and recklessness made you strong. You're scared to keep being reckless, and that's good, right? But really, all that growing and being strong just showed that you can learn, that you do.

"I know," I hissed at my fairy, out loud, without really meaning to. "I... I get that I learned and got strong and all of that. But in a situation like this, where things are terrible, or could get terrible at the drop of a hat, I just... I feel overwhelmed, and I don't know what to do about that. If I were taking everything as seriously as I need to, if I were riding the edge like I used to, if I could just bring all of the power I--"

Susie gently tossed her empty beer can at my head, and it donked off of my skull and derailed my whole train of thought. I was a moment away from snapping at her, but she was already talking.

"You got behind," she said flatly, not even bothering to engage with what I said. "You haven't been behind the power curve since forever, right? If Louise had a little more health, she wouldn't have bit it, and you wouldn't be conflicted. But, if she lived through that fight, someday--in a month or a decade, whenever--you'd still run into that wall. We all do."

"And now," she continued, "you're struck a problem that even I can tell you really suck at: you gotta ask for help." Susie spread her hands. "You'd fit in fine with a group, you got this solo diver's pride. I had a friend like you--before the Dungeons, I mean. Always tried to do everything himself, and when he couldn't do something he got real fuckin' arrogant about it." Susie wrinkled her nose in scorn. "I remember he was painting his house and couldn't get it done before a rainstorm and, like, a third of the paint washed off, and he was pissed for every possible reason at every possible thing. The only thing I never heard out of his mouth was that he should have asked for help. He should have covered the paint, or done it a different day--never ask anyone else to pitch in."

"And you, Jerry," Susie pulled another beer out of her inventory just to gesture at me with it. "Are doing the same damn thing."

Can't ask for help? I didn't bother to voice the thought, staring at Susie. I asked you, didn't I?

Nah, bro, I think she's right. Merry shook her head at me. You had something to give her; you made a deal, and a damn good one for us, 'cos blondie here is a force to be reckoned with. But you're scared to ask any random person or get involved with strangers. I was paying attention when you were looking at that group at the start of the last floor--you thought about talking to them, finding out what they knew, but then you took the first excuse not to. Didn't have to try hard at all to find it, either. You bury thoughts like that really fast.

"...fairy?" Susie was asking Louise, who nodded. I blinked, realizing again that I was tending to miss some of what was really going on as I got stuck inside my own damn head.

Look, I got a closer look than most at what's in your head, and you're terrified that people are gonna... I dunno. Gonna be to you what you were to those poor low-level shmubs you killed in your first dungeon. You think they'll see your moment of weakness and be like, and here Merry, hanging out at the edge of my vision, made a weird kind of axe-cutting gesture with her hands, shhhhmap, this thing is only useful to me as a resource now, it's weak and it's in the way, so its time is over, it's mine now. But that hasn't been happening.

I... well, I had to trust Merry, as the only one maybe in the whole world who could maybe have a real, technical, objective look at my thought process. Not that... not that she really understood human psychology, but... I put that out of mind. The point was, ...yeah, I was still expecting the world to break me, unfairly and unrepentantly. Because...

I sighed. "Right," I said after a long moment. "I guess I'm just... I'm still rebelling against the idea that none of our dreams matter, you know?"

"You lost me," replied Susie, entirely deadpan.

I shook my head. 'Before I was a diver, before I was a dungeoneer, I was... nobody, right? Shitty retail job, no future, meant only to be someone else's tool for the rest of time. But even if I escaped that life, there's still shitty retail jobs out there, and if..." I looked at Louise, and changed what I was about to say, because it felt a little silly, "...I mean, shitty jobs, shitty bosses, shitty businesses, and tyrannical assholes telling us all what to do aren't going to go away just because we can dive into a death game and get shiny-ass swords and magic books in return. All of the things that made my life shitty before I got here are still out there--"

"No," interrupted Susie, "I mean I have no idea what you're talking about or why you're ranting about that shit right now at all."

"Because..." I started to say something, and completely lost it. What was my argument here? Actually, what was the question? Scared of bad people, Merry supplied, helpfully. I closed my eyes and followed my chain of logic back. Right... "Because Merry was telling me that you're right, that I'm scared of asking for help. And it is the point." I stood up and paced around the little fake tavern, suddenly way too stressed out to sit still--to a degree that I couldn't put into words and could barely control. "Because out there are shitty people that are stronger than me. Because my track record with those people is pretty fucking poor. I mean, the last time I exited a goddamn dungeon they pointed tanks at my head and told me to go to jail for doing nothing fucking wrong."

"And because..." I stopped pacing in front of an ever-burning fireplace in the corner and stared at it. Merry had reminded me of it, of course. "...because I turned out to be a shitty person, way back when, when I killed other dungeoneers. Because at the moment, even though it felt wrong later, at the moment it ...kinda made sense. It's not like a devil took over my body and made me evil. There was no great spiritual or magical array that transmuted a decent human being into an awful one. I was already... I was already wrong, inside me. And I don't know how many other people are like that, or worse."

A hand on my shoulder turned out to be Louise, and she stepped closer and gave me a hug. "You're not like that anymore," she said, "and I don't think people are as bad as you think." I resisted for a moment, wanting to react like... like there was something wrong with the argument, that she was being naive, that she didn't really know me. But something in her tone calmed that reaction. I don't know what it was, but somehow, I felt I could believe her. Or... maybe I just wanted to.

So I just looked back at her, met her eyes. Because I thought she might be right, but also, this wasn't really about me--it was about the world being fucking terrifying. If she wanted to convince me that it wasn't, well, right now that was on her, not on me. She looked back at me, searching for something, and maybe she understood, or maybe she just kept talking. Either way, she stepped back and looked at me for a bit, then looked away.

"Anne's dad ran away when he learned I was pregnant," said Louise into the silence. "In the time since... I realized he was always that kind of guy. I saw him now and again through the years, and he... got into trouble of his own making enough times that I stopped wishing he'd been there for my daughter. He would have been a bad dad, but... it's not just that. Because there were a lot of people who only came out to try to help me when it was clear I needed it. People who are a lot like you, I think, Jerry," she said, and took my left hand in both of hers.

"Because they were shy about showing that they were good people, shy about proving that they were actually eager to help. I lived in the same apartment for thirty years, and my neighbor never showed her face while ...Anne's father was there, and not much before then. But I'd only been a single mother for about a week before she started tripping over herself to help whenever she had the opportunity, and she never stopped. My father lent me money when I was fired, because I didn't want to move and force Anne to change schools. My landlord actually helped me find a job; Anne's third-grade teacher started inviting us over for dinner once a week."

"I know it's easy to think that there aren't enough kind and good people, that the average person you'll find is somehow a monster. But a lot of them just don't want to advertise that they're good people, I guess because they're worried they'll be taken advantage of, just like you are." Louise squeezed my hands to emphasize her point, or at least her feelings. And then, she spoke up, trying to force some pep into her voice. "And anyway, look at us. You and I are... sensitive," she said, and I knew she was not eager to talk about psychic-or-whatever stuff in front of Susie, "and you have Merry, and you and Susie are both really strong. Do you really think anyone is going to scam us? Scare us into giving away all our money? No." She put a playful but final emphasis on the word. "As long as we're alive, we'll be okay, and if they try to kill us, well, I'm sure you both will make them regret it."

I took a deep breath, feeling actually very relieved, somehow. It didn't... I mean, I still wasn't entirely sold on the idea of just finding someone and asking their help to get to Kalamitus' Tower, but then, I wasn't against it, not at all. I just... didn't really want to volunteer.

Oh stop, growled Merry. You still want to run. I'm telling you, it'll be fine. You'll make new friends. It won't be so bad.

And then a few minutes later, someone kicked in the door to the tavern, and of course, they made us put that theory into practice.