Soulforged Dungeoneer

As I sat there waiting for the Devil to respawn, I examined the Devil's Garbage-ass Trash Sword. As an item, it was (as the name implied) absolute garbage. It did less damage than starter equipment, weighed two metric tons, and the description ...included a very polite yet stern message from the Administrator. It was also amazing.

[ THE DEVIL'S GARBAGE-ASS TRASH SWORD - Lv 500 ]

[ DMG 0-2 ] [ WT 2000kg ] [ BLOCK 0% ] [ PARRY 0% ]

[ NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENT - Lv 1M ] [ UNSTABLE ITEM - Lv 1M ] [ CURSED TRUTH AURA - Lv 100 ]

[ AURA OF SUFFERING - Lv 10 ] [ MARTIAL SAVANT - Lv 5 ] [ SOULFORGED SAVANT - Lv 5 ]

[ TRUE SEEING - Lv 1 ] [ DUNGEON PASS - Lv 10 ] [ FAIRY PASS - Lv 10 ]

[ A formerly majestic sword now left in ruins because of the interference of some jackass. Cannot be traded. Cannot be removed from the Dungeon. Will never be spoken of again. Also, fuck you.

Soulforged: Absorb time 10s ]

There were... a lot of things here. A lot of things. A lot of crazy stupid things.

[ NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENT ] By absorbing this item, you agree on pain of very painful death never to reveal the chain of events leading to receiving this item. Warnings may be provided but are not guaranteed.

Soulforged: Will become [ Class Feature ].

[ UNSTABLE ITEM ] The effective level of this item for the purposes of the Soulforged's [ Absorb ] ability is reduced. [ Absorb time ] reduced. [ Ability Absorb ] increased. [ Item Absorb ] decreased.

[ CURSED TRUTH AURA ] The System is constantly scanning this item and all items in the area. Skills [ Appraise ], [ Analyze ], [ Skill Sage ], [ Class Sage ], [ Monster Sage ], [ Human Sage ], [ Forensics ], [ Psychometry ], [ Telepathy ] increased within the area of effect.

Soulforged: Will become [ Class Feature ].

[ AURA OF SUFFERING ] Monsters, NPCs, and Humans are given the impression that associating with you may cause harm. May cause [ Hesitation ]. May cause [ Confusion ] May cause [ Paralysis ]. May cause [ Insanity ]. May cause [ Incontinence ]. May cause [ Impotence ]. May cause [ Toothache ]. May cause [ Spontaneous Musical Number ].

[ MARTIAL SAVANT ] Acts as a Skill booster for any skill tagged [ Martial Arts ]

[ SOULFORGED SAVANT ] Acts as a Skill Booster for any skill tagged [ Soulforged ]

[ TRUE SEEING ] Grants the ability to see through some illusions.

Soulforged: Will become [ Class Feature ]

[ DUNGEON PASS ] Your effective level for the purposes of entering a dungeon is increased. This does not affect your level cap within the dungeon.

Soulforged: Will become [ Class Feature ]

[ FAIRY PASS ] Entrances to the Fairy Dungeon will become visible.

Soulforged: Will become [ Class Feature ]

I stared at stats for the item for a long time--at least 15 minutes. So much bullshit. It was an obvious combination of carrot and stick mixed with whimsical execution, and it was just beautiful.

I looked up at the ceiling. "I have never said this to anyone before, but I love you."

Suddenly, the countdown timer snapped to zero, and the Devil appeared at his throne., the Devil's Skull item card appearing in my mind again. Except... if the Administrator had intended for the throne to be repaired, he forgot.

The Devil fell, screaming, into the hole in the floor. "Oh god," I heard him scream. "It's tearing up my ass, it's--"

I felt as though I blinked, for a moment, and there was a fully intact throne with a Devil sitting on it. "Ah, an adventurer." He frowned, looking at the twisted metallic lump in front of me. "Is that supposed to be some kind of gift--?"

"No, hang on a second." I held my hand over the sword for ten seconds, and suddenly, a wash of new abilities came into me. I got up, looking at the Devil again, wondering if this fight would be... a real, normal, actual fight. "Okay, sorry about that. I just got done killing you and I wasn't expecting you to be back so soon."

The devil stared at me and blinked for a moment. "I... what?"

"It's fine. Do you want to kill me? Or, no, wait. Was there something about trading, redemption? At this point I'm just not scared of you at all. We might as well try that."

There was a pause. "I can... offer you... redemption? Yes. I can. If you... uh..." he looked at me, bouncing eagerly on the balls of my feet. "Is there... something wrong with you?"

"Plenty. You can offer me redemption if I what?"

The big lunk could only stare at me, blinking. "Oh. If you... deliver a message for me. I... uh..." He paused and rubbed his head. "Strange. I was going to say I remember you from somewhere, but I don't."

"Yes, I hit you very hard on the head. Caused some memory loss, I'm sure. Carry on."

The devil looked at me, then took his head in his hands. "But..."

"Look, I don't want to start this all over again. What message do you want me to deliver?"

"...The dungeon god [ Kalamitus ] in the Galveston's Wharf Dungeon. I... I want you... to declare... war? Why was I...?"

"You're the Devil. You do war and evil things. What does redemption mean and what are you going to give me in return for this?"

"I... I'm... uh... oh." The Devil snapped his attention back to me. "I can... clear the stench of blood from you. And also, I will give you a unique item as a reward."

"And what will happen if I do help you declare war?"

"Then matters once contained within the Dungeon will spill out into the Mortal World."

That... made me freeze in place. The whole comedy routine was a lot of nonsense and I had been enjoying it up to that point. "Ex...cuse me?

"Yes. The world outside the Dungeon." The Devil seemed finally to find his stride, although he had to walk back over to his throne and pick up his sword, which was laying against it. "You mortals and your insistence on peace. If only--"

The devil might have taken longer to kill if he'd really been paying attention, but at that point, I was spinning like a sawblade in midair, and I got four hits between my two swords directly to his face before I lost enough momentum that I had to stop. I... was understandably a bit dizzy, but I didn't let that stop me. I wound up with both arms and smashed one blade into each of the Devil's elbows, pinning him against the wall.

That was about 20% of his health. I wasn't in any mind to be timing the fight, though. I left the two swords in his elbows and pulled the Skeleton Lord's Flambard out, double-handing it just for spite, and pierced through the Devil's neck, hoping to smash his spine. That kind of damage was never really a one-hit-KO like it should have been, but in exchange for the wind-up and the precision, there was a hefty damage bonus. When that didn't come close to killing him, though, I tore out his eyes with my next two shots, then wound up and gave him the best shot at his heart as I could.

Of course, the Devil's Swords did far better damage, so this was all kind of a waste of time, but I was acting on rage and fear adrenaline, so I didn't really care that much. He did after a moment shake off the stun and pull himself from the wall, so I switched back to my twin bastard swords. I folded my telekinetic ability into my attacks and simply kept bashing him upside the head until we hit phase change.

At which point I let him get past me, grabbed him from behind, leaped into the air, and did a telekinetic suplex into his throne. The resounding CRACK that followed reminded me that he had some kind of stupid bombs inside there, and I smashed the side of it with my sword. A set of three potions rolled out onto the floor, and I squinted at them, then at the monster that was quickly recovering from his stun.

Three bottles opened, three bottles forced down the Devil's throat. Apparently one of them healed him, but at that point I didn't care. The other two were definitely bad for his health. Just... probably not as bad for him as my swords.

"You know," I said as I forced the toxic-fume-spilling potion into his mouth, spilling no small amount into his nose in the process, leaning back against the swords that were once more sticking out of the Devil's eyes, "I'm pretty sure this potion is known to the state of California to cause cancer. You should really not keep such dangerous things around."

He made gurgling noises that didn't really sound like an apology.

A minute or so later, the Devil finally delivered his next piece of loot--instead of being another halo, this was a copy of the Devil's new broad-tipped sword that was not molten and gross. I glanced at it, but took no time to examine its stats. Instead, after waiting a couple minutes for my MP to completely refill, I looked up at the ceiling, my face uncharacteristically serious.

"Just spawn him again. I'm sick of this."

Less than ten minutes later, I set foot in the End Town. My bad mood, and the intensely serious look on my face persisted even in the face of an entire town full of people who physically could not stop dancing.

I didn't even know the dungeons could invade the real world. If anyone knew it, it certainly wasn't the kind of thing that was public knowledge. And, one way or another, people needed to know that I knew--what I knew.

If only that damned NDA wasn't in the way.