Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

“This isn't a course for kids.” The tactical instructor said and stared at me.

I decided to not comment about him acting immaturely, especially after Natasha's not so subtle glare at me to be quiet.

“This isn't a game. There are no points to be awarded and no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Only blood and death.” The man said with an ominous voice.

I just barely suppressed my urge to laugh. Natasha's second glare wasn't needed. Well, maybe it was, because I hadn't hid my amusement as well as I thought I did.

“Is what I'm saying funny to you, recruit?” The man asked.

I glanced at Natasha and saw her shake her head.

“Don't look at her, look at me.” He commanded. “Tell me the truth.”

“You can't handle the truth.” I said and his eyes widened as Natasha sighed.

“Try me.” He responded.

“Fake Intimidation only works if the audience is already sufficiently cowed. You didn't even work up to it and started right off the bat with all the doom and gloom.” I said and Natasha shook her head at me again.

The man squinted his eyes at me. “You're not intimidated by me?”

“No, sir. Not at all.” I said and Natasha let out a soft groan.

The man stepped close and glared down at me from his six feet of height. “It's my job to beat the arrogance out of you and make you into a proper soldier that follows orders.”

“No, it isn't.” I said and Natasha put a hand over her eyes, as if embarrassed. “Sir.”

“Oh? Then what do you think my job is, recruit?”

“You're supposed to teach me proper battlefield tactics when in enemy territory. I can already follow orders or I wouldn't be here.” I said and he didn't look convinced. “You think I'm arrogant because I'm not buying your dog and pony show before it started. That's not my fault, that's yours.”

“Why is that?” He asked, his face showing a little anger.

“You didn't assess your audience properly and missed several key factors.” I said and pointed at Natasha. “One. I'm here with her, the best agent in the agency. I am her personal charge and you completely ignored that.” I said and he lost the anger. “Two. The assessments were ordered by Director Fury himself. He wants me here to do this and you ignored that or didn't believe it was important.”

The man actually took a step back from me with an unsure look on his face.

“Three. I am here to be assessed, not intimidated, beaten down, verbally insulted, or every other thing you intended to do to a brand new recruit to destroy their confidence in themselves, just so you can feel superior to someone you are supposed to teach!”

The man didn't say anything in response.

“Now, instead of giving me the directions to get through your course, mark the failure you were going to give me anyways.” I said and motioned to the paper in his hand. “Go ahead. Mark it.”

Natasha was surprised when the tactical instructor actually marked it and handed it back to her.

“Thank you.” I said and walked over to the preparation area and picked a nine millimetre Glock, popped the clip out, and quickly filled it with twelve bullets.

“What are you doing?” The instructor asked.

“I'm doing it anyway.” I said and nodded to Natasha. “Start the timer when I enter the maze.”

“Hey, you can't...” The instructor started to say.

“You have already marked my assessment, sir. I'm on my own personal time now.” I said and loaded the gun, then popped the clip out of another Glock and filled it before adding it to my back pocket.

“I can't let you...”

“You've already given up your authority to teach me, sir.” I said and ran over to the entrance of the maze, that I assumed would have enemies pop up for me to shoot and cameras for observation. I would have to trust my spider-sense to tell me where they were and when nearing blind corners. I would also have to be careful about hostages and civilians appearing.

I ducked behind a corner and glanced around. I didn't see anything obvious, except for a window at the end of a hallway with a blind corner. I chuckled and slid down to crawl along the floor. There was movement at the window and I stopped moving and took aim at the most likely spot for the head to appear.

A cutout of a masked man slid into view and I pulled the trigger. The eye disappeared as the bullet went through it and the cutout slid away. I hopped up to my feet and quickly shuffled along the wall and made it to the blind corner. I felt my spider-sense tingle stronger, so I knew there were two cameras down there. I glanced around at the floor for something to use and there was nothing.

I pulled the extra clip out of my back pocket and hefted it to guess the weight, then I leaned around the corner and tossed it to make it clatter and make noise. A door I didn't see opened and an enemy cutout slid out into the hallway. My bullet took out his forehead and my next bullet splattered the large obvious camera in the far corner as the cutout moved back into the room. I left the hidden camera alone.

I carefully moved down the hallway with my back to the wall until I reached the hidden door. I was sure they would have another cutout in there waiting to ambush me when I passed, so I ducked and leaned into the doorway and shot two more cutouts before they could ambush me.

I picked up my extra clip and checked for debris on it, put it back into my back pocket, and went to the end of the hallway. I used the same tactic I used to make Natasha laugh and opened the door without showing myself and ducked down to put my head at knee height and peeked into the next room.

“I have a hostage! Come out or I'll kill them!” A recorded male voice said.

I held in my sigh, because it would be difficult to mark this encounter. A live hostage is much different than a fake one, so I couldn't use the hostage as a distraction for the enemy. With nothing left for it, I held out my hand with the gun around the doorway and my other hand in surrender.

“I have a hostage! Come out or I'll kill them!” The recorded male voice repeated.

I sighed this time, because now it didn't matter about using redirection. I hopped out and saw that the cutout had a gun to the hostage's head, so I shot the gun and then shot the gunman in the head. The cutouts fell backwards and I walked around it and saw that there were six windows in the next area.

I did not miss the staggered setup, which meant it was going to be a mix of enemies and civilians popping up. Since the space was too wide to sneak across and had windows on either side of the area, I was meant to walk at a normal pace and react to whatever appeared.

So, that's what I did. I completely relied on my enhanced sight and spider-sense as I walked along. The first window popped up an enemy and I shot it in the head. The next window had a civilian and I moved on. The next window had nothing, which meant it was going to pop up beside or behind me, so I walked on. Both it and the next window activated at once, so I spun around and shot the cutout beside me and dropped to my knee and slid to a stop facing the other window and shot the next one.

The last window had nothing and I passed by. I entered the next area and I only had two bullets left in my first clip. I paused when I saw several staggered desks and I guessed that it was a classic ambush scenario. I popped the clip out of my pistol and caught it with my other hand, swapped it for the full one in my back pocket, and ran straight at the first desk.

An enemy popped up and I shot it in the head, stepped on the front of the desk, and jumped over it. The desk off to the side had a civilian stand up and I landed on the floor and rolled. I came to a stop in front of the third desk and two civilians stood up. Or so it seemed. I saw a gun in the second one's hand and the frightened face on the first.

I shot the second civilian in the face and turned to shoot at the fourth desk as the enemy cutout popped up. With the area cleared, I went to the door at the back and did the same opening out of sight trick. There was nothing there, so I slipped inside and closed the door, which was a mistake. Six cutouts came out of the floor with a civilian tied to a chair in the middle.

“I have a hostage! Come out or I'll kill them!” The same recorded male voice said.

“I knew this thing was rigged.” I said and braced myself, then I rolled down onto my shoulder as I shot as rapidly as I could. I shot three of the enemy cutouts in the chest and the hostage in the head before they dropped into the floor again.

“Mission failed.” A male voice said.

“That depends on how you look at it.” I said and stood as a door on the side opened and Natasha and the tactical instructor came in.

“You're an idiot!” The instructor said. “You were supposed to save the hostage!”

“Shut up.” Natasha said to him and looked at me. “Ben? What do you mean?”

“I noticed the loose earpiece on the hostage, which meant they were a possible agent and they can't be allowed to fall into enemy hands. I knew I couldn't rescue them in that situation, which would have been worse if I hadn't brought an extra clip, so I eliminated a possible leak before the enemy could continue to interrogate them.”

Natasha had an odd look on her face and I was sure I knew what she was thinking.

“This was a loaded scenario, though.” I continued. “I didn't have any of the normal gear that an agent in the field would carry. Gas mask, tear gas, grenades, tripwires, ballistics vest, noise clickers, knives, batons, brass knuckles, and previous scouting info.”

The odd look on Natasha's face changed and she smiled slightly as she nodded, then she frowned slightly. “Noise clickers?”

Oops. I thought. “Um... it's just an idea I had.”

Natasha walked over to me and held out her hands. I cleared the gun and handed it and the clips over to her. She handed them to the instructor and took my hand and led me out of the testing area, across the main room, and out through the door. I didn't ask her where we were going, because I was pretty sure I knew.

We entered the elevator and rode it to the floor with R&D on it, B4. She kept hold of my hand and brought me right over to the desk Davis used.

“Back so soon? I thought the assessment results wouldn't be checked and his assignment confirmed until tomorrow.” Davis said.

“Another idea.” Natasha said and let my hand go as she waved me forward.

“Ooo, hit me!” Davis said with a grin.

I described what I envisioned and the gleam in the man's eye was almost blinding.

“Give me a minute to call the design team.” Davis said and turned in his seat as he put his index finger and thumb into his mouth and let out a loud wolf whistle. “We've got a live one!”

We were immediately surrounded by lab scientists and I had to describe it all again, my thoughts on the random movement it would need if released on the floor, and the mechanical parts and electronics to either make or play various sounds, depending on the environment. It needed to be tough enough to throw and not make a sound when needed, too.

“If you include an earpiece connection, you can also connect it to a cell phone and use that to load the sounds, either previously or in real time.” I said. “You could also use it like you were throwing your voice.”

All of their faces lit up and draft paper and tools were piled onto the desk as they worked out everything for me. It was surprising to see an entire group of people working together so well and the design was done fifteen minutes later, the materials assigned, and a request to the robotics lab for the electronic parts needed.

“Fill that out, Parker.” Davis said and had me sign my name as the main contributor and the other information details, then everyone else added their names. “I'll send a copy of this up to the patent office and...”

“You better not use the one in city hall. It's rigged to steal technology.” I interrupted and every set of eyes in the department turned to stare at me. “I tried registering a patent and it was stolen before it was rejected.”

Davis put a hand on my shoulder. “You didn't have a lawyer with you, did you?”

“I didn't know I needed one.” I said and barely managed to not sigh.

Davis saw my expression and nodded. “You need to file several things before trying to file a full patent. An experienced lawyer could have helped you secure it before it was stolen.”

“It was taken by a member of the review board.” I said.

Davis opened his mouth to say something, then shook his head. “We have our own patent office here up on the administration floor. It's for SHIELD equipment only, however.”

“That's okay. I'm handling the situation as best as I can.” I said. “I'll look into getting a lawyer for when I file my next patent.”

Davis nodded in approval. “You'll be getting a nice bonus on your next paycheck for having two of them filed with us, so you won't have to worry about affording a lawyer for it.”

I had to grin at that. “That's great! Thanks for letting me know.”

“Not a problem, Parker.” Davis said and let my shoulder go. “Now beat it! We've got another project of yours to make and work out the production for.”

I chuckled. “You can blame Black Widow for the extra work.”

“Blame her? We'll be sending her the first set of production models as a thank you for giving us something new to do.” Davis said and Natasha smiled.

I nodded and Natasha led me out of the R&D section and over to the elevator. She brought me back to the administration offices and into the HR department. We had to sit there for quite some time before Gail opened her office door and allowed us to enter.

“Have a seat.” Gail said and we sat in front of her desk. She sat down and gave me an odd look for several minutes, then she sighed. She opened the drawer in her desk with the specialist packages inside and lifted them all out. “I can't believe I'm doing this.”

I gave Natasha a glance and she shrugged slightly, which meant that she didn't know what was going on. I looked back at Gail and she made a bit of a show of picking through the packages, pulled three of them out, and slid the rest across the desk to sit them in front of me.

“What the heck?” I asked, surprised. I remember her distinctly telling me that I was going to be assigned where I was needed the most, in accordance to the agency's needs.

“I was overridden.” Gail said with a sigh and held up the other packages. “Can you guess what these are for?”

“Secretarial, computer maintenance, and chemical.” I responded. Even though I knew I had technically failed in the tactical assessment, it was still included in the stack in front of me.

“You got it.” Gail said and put them back into her drawer. She opened another drawer and she gave me a very pointed look, then she took out a fairly thick leather wallet. “I was ordered to give you these.”

These? I asked in my head and let confusion show on my face. It's one wallet.

“I protested, because you shouldn't have access to them until after your first six months under contract.” Gail said and put the wallet down on her desk and her fingers lightly stroked the soft leather. “I'm not even allowed to warn you to not abuse them.”

Now I was getting a little worried. What the hell could it be that it's made her so nervous?

“Once they are in your possession, they are yours to do with what you wish, just like every other SHIELD agent.” Gail said and slid the wallet over to me. “Welcome to SHIELD, Agent 111A.”

Natasha sucked in a sharp breath and her eyes were wide as she stared at me.

I wasn't sure why my agent number surprised her. Maybe because it's so low? I asked myself as I picked up the leather wallet. When I opened it, it was my turn to suck in a sharp breath. The wallet wasn't a wallet at all. It was an ID folder. A completely full ID folder.

I quickly flipped through them and my eyes were as wide as Natasha's as I saw Liaison IDs for the FBI, CIA, NSA, NYPD, NYFD, NYPower, NYWater, and a bunch of other civil services like buses, subways, garbage disposal, health and safety inspection, and a few others. I stared at the thing as I closed it, because I was shocked. Completely shocked.

SHIELD had given me the proverbial keys to New York City.