Paladins of the Pickle Goddess

I stepped out of the bathhouse, clothes still dripping, to find a coach waiting. It had been re-trimmed since I’d been here last, new paint and gold foil shimmering. The inside had likely been re-upholstered. If I dripped on it, they’d need to fix it again.

I stepped back as a footman stepped down and pulled the door open for me, bowing.

“Miss Elysia,” he said. “Welcome home.”

Oh, no. I had been gone for fourteen years. I felt a wash of guilt and gave a wild stab in the dark. “Thank you… ah…Rufus?”

“Regulus,” he said. He looked towards Cornelia. “Will she also be attending?”

They were glaring at each other. I didn’t want to know. “I don’t know, will she?” I raised a brow at her.

“This is not what we agreed on,” she hissed.

I hadn’t really explained my plan to her, to be fair. This was because I hadn’t had one. I needed to find Duran. I needed to get Apis out of Kingshome. After that, I was going to… go to the Spire, and get revenge on Sylvia, somehow.

Well, I hadn’t gotten that far in my plan. My mother’s help- as much as I hated to admit it- was a big step forward.

“Go off on your own, then,” I said. “I won’t mind.”

I stepped inside the coach, my clothes squishing. I was holding the cloak separately, the better to help the rest of my clothes dry. I hadn’t anticipated being forced to go back to that house. Otherwise I would have just forced her to foot the bill at the Laundresses. As it was, I fiddled with the window on the other side until it half-rolled down.

After a moment, the step creaked again. The seat in front of me thumped.

“This is ridiculous,” huffed Cornelia.

She was growing on me a little. I thought this was ridiculous, too.

“I don’t know why you’re so fixated on Duran,” I said, wringing out part of my skirt and watching a puddle form in front of her shoes. She moved them out of the way before it could get on the neat leather. “Surely Sylvia doesn’t care that much. She was probably just fulfilling her duty, as far as she saw it. She’d be thankful to be rid of him. Most people are.”

With a crack of the reins, the coach started moving. It was a long ride from the top of the city to the bottom, especially mid-day like this. I sat back and sighed. It was warming up in the carriage, too, even with the faint breeze from the open window.

Maybe I should have walked, after all.

“I am following him,” said Cornelia, “To fulfill my duty.”

It might have been the head injury, but I felt like there was another connection here. No one wanted to spend time with Duran enough to spend multiple days searching for him, through the city. Especially not enough to bring the city guard into it.

We rattled through, the footman shouting at someone in the road. The coach screeched to a stop in what I thought was the temple district. I propped open the door to try and get some air as he jumped off to try and get a way through the traffic.

There was the sound of chanting. I could see the crowd around the spire. They were crying for justice.

I’m trying. Have some patience, here.

Someone had brought out an effigy to burn. The first match fell into the straw, then fizzled out. We were too far away for me to make out the details of the face. It was wearing the robes of a lawmaker.

“The other boy,” I said, finally making the connection. “That’s why you’re still looking. Isn’t it?”

Cornelia didn’t respond. The footman returned and nodded to me. He was carrying a chicken. He had a bundle of carrots slung over his shoulder. Another mystery of city life. “Apologies. The traffic just needed some mild encouragement.”

I pulled my head back inside the coach as we began moving. The effigy burst into flame, everyone cheering. We’d taken the long way around the festival, extending our trip to avoid the crowds. It clearly hadn’t worked.

“They seemed like they were becoming friends,” I said. “I’ll bet that Duran talked him into leaving together, didn’t he. They’re probably out there being heroes together. Using that sword. Getting into all sorts of muck. Does Sylvia even know?”

“Don’t speak of it!” Cornelia’s shoulders had gone up around her ears. “It’s no matter. He’ll be returned safe soon enough.”

So. This was why she’d stuck with me.

“Sure,” I said. “We’ll keep it between us.” I leaned in. “But I know how Duran thinks. You don’t. So until we find them, you follow my plan. No more arguing.”

“I am a head housekeeper. I don’t simply-”

We rattled over another bump. The footman peered in the window. “All right there, Miss Elysia?”

I put on my best false smile. “I don’t know. Are we, Cornelia?”

“Very,” she said. She was grimacing.

By the time we made it to the Southern District, it was nearly sunset. I could feel the time pressing at me, an ever-present anxiety. Only a couple more days until the Beetle’s Flight. Until everything came to a boil.

You couldn’t send me just a little magic, Andrena? Talk about stingy.

The coach rattled to a stop. I had to stare at my dripping skirt for a good few seconds, take a deep breath, before I forced myself out. It was just a house. She’d said I had to give it another try. What was she going to do, though? Force me to speak to everyone I’d abandoned? Put me in another one of those dresses? I doubted they would even fit.

It would be a few nice meals and a soft bed. That was all. A simple task, and here I was, quivering in fear like a little girl.

I squared my shoulders. I stepped out.

Lady Sylvia smiled at me. She was arrayed on the sidewalk, staring up at the sunset and arranging her shawl. She had a hand on the railing of the stairs, as though she was about to enter the house. My mother’s house. “I was wondering when you’d arrive.”

I stepped back into the coach. I shut the door for good measure. “Don’t go out there,” I told Cornelia. “Bad weather.”

She sniffed the air through the window. “Doesn’t smell worse than usual.”

“We’ll wait it out.”

Someone was knocking on the coach door. I leaned back and ignored it. This wasn’t how this was meant to go! I was going to re-acquire Duran, and Apis, and then we were going to go to the Spire- or maybe just council chambers, depending on how hard it was- and then I would take revenge on Lady Sylvia for locking me up in a quarantine ship.

She couldn’t just show up at my mother’s house!

“No one’s home,” I said, loudly, as the knocks continued. “Wrong coach. Continue.”

“I do have a sense of object permanence.”

She just sounded amused. As though I was nothing but an amusing diversion.

I considered myself. Soaked in bathwater. No power. A paladin without a sword. All of my friends gone, lost my apprentice. Forced to beg my mother for help. Accompanied by Sylvia’s own housekeeper.

I squinted over at Cornelia. “You’ve been reporting on me? You snake!”

“I would never!” She lowered her voice. “Besides, this isn’t-”

“Right,” I said. “Hide. I’ll defend us.”

I pulled open the door again. “Sylvia,” I said. I put on a false smile. “So… unexpected to see you. Delightful! But unexpected.”

“You should have accepted my offer,” she said. “But you were always so silly about these things. I suppose you’ve got your own plan in mind.”

“Listen. I’m… I need to go freshen up, and I’m terribly embarrassed.” I held out my dripping arm. “I don’t suppose you could go distract the footmen so I could slip inside and change? You’d be my hero.”

If Sylvia had respected me even an inch- if she’d viewed me as an opponent- she wouldn’t have taken her eyes off of me. I’d pulled tricks using this lie as her accomplice many times as a teenager.

This time, she smiled gently at me. “Of course. How horrible. Let me just step up the stairs, and you can follow. My apologies.”

“Thank you eternally!” I jumped out as soon as her back was turned, gesturing to Cornelia. We scrambled up the steps and were inside before Sylvia was finished telling the guardsman about how much she enjoyed the decorations today.

My mother had out-done herself. The house hadn’t changed at the core, but the decorations were all updated and lavish as always. Someone had also facilitated what seemed to be a complete explosion of beetles.

She was standing at the end of the entryway, holding a glass of what looked like wine and speaking to an older man in councilors robes. When I ran in, she set it down and turned to me with her diplomat’s smile.

“Elysia! How… inspiring of you! Come, follow me upstairs.”

“I don’t know what you were expecting,” I said. She was walking quickly enough it was nearly a run.

“I thought you might have another set of clothes,” she said. “I know you were raised with more than one. I had them made myself.”

“No point in bringing more than one. This is a short visit.”

She led me to one of the guest suites, threw open the door. “There are some dresses set here for you,” she said. “My old dresses.” She obviously ran an eye over my figure and came up disappointed. “I hope they’ll fit you. Your woman here can fit you, I suppose?”

“She’s not my servant,” I said, about the same time Cornelia began objecting. Neither of us was heard. My mother was already storming out.

“I apologize,” I said. “I’m sure I can dress myself.”

“You will finish this dinner quickly,” said Cornelia. She was already midway through the closet, arms-deep. “Then we will leave, I will obtain young lord Servius, and we will never speak of this again.”

“….Agreed.”

She threw a dress at me. I caught it mid-air and put it on before we could say anything else to each other. I tightened the laces, too, in case Cornelia got any bright ideas about strangling me that way. Time in confined spaces with her did not make the heart fonder.

“I’ll- be back soon,” I said, putting a hand on the doorway as I headed downstairs.

“Make sure of it,” she said. “Otherwise, next time, I’ll keep your apprentice.”

That wasn’t as much of a threat as she thought it was. I turned, nearly tripping over the overly-long hemline, and made my way into the party.

My mother had outdone herself. As soon as I stepped into the throng, she held up a glass. “For my daughter, returned from the dead!”

The chatter got louder at the declaration. I had missed most of the speech; I just heard the clapping. I leaned into an old man’s ear and said, “How did I survive?”

“Hah?”

“Miss Elysia,” I said. “How did she live?”

He scratched underneath his chin. “Guess some temple,” he said. “Teuthida, maybe? They’re saying it’s a sign.” He shrugged loosely. “Maybe that man will finally…” He trailed off. “Did they bring those fried tentacles again? Oh, I love a good fried-”

I left. So. She’d gone with the ‘mysteriously sheltered by a temple’ theory. I gave as many false smiles as I could, weaving through the party. As long as I kept moving, I could avoid Sylvia’s gaze at the other side of the room.

“Hey! Watch it!”

I paused. “Do I- know you?”

The woman that had snapped at me pulled the glass away from me. She was intimidating, with wide arms and a proud stance. She tilted her head, stared me down. “You’ve been staying with that man,” she said, at the same time I recognized her.

“You’re Apis’s landlord,” I said. “Why are you here?”

“Representing the guild.” She flashed a fat silver ring at me, shining on her middle finger. “Someone’s got to go to all these parties. Feels like there are more and more every week, now that it’s festival season.” She ate a fried tentacle with a crunch. “Not that I’m complaining.”

Maybe she could help, and I would get out of this deal with my mother. “Actually, speaking of Apis. Did you hear that-”

“Yes, yes, nasty business,” she said. “You know, I actually had to report him myself. Found those gloves, and I knew. Can’t be having any illegal activity on my premises. Simple as.”

She held out the tray. “Fried tentacle?”

I took one.

I washed into the crowd as I crunched on it. The landlady?

I had thought it might be some advanced technique. A way to get rid of my investigation, to force us away. Maybe Sylvia trying to throw me off the scent.

I hadn’t thought it might just be that Landlady, trying to get rid of Apis. It all made a strange sort of sense. If I’d ever had a kind of luck, it was the bad kind.

I reached out to take another fried tentacle. It was very good.

“I hope you’re making the rounds,” said my mother, her hand on my shoulder. I could see the moon rising behind her shoulder, out of the window. “Have you said hello to all of the councilors? They’ve been at a lot of different meetings lately, so the amount of strings I had to pull-”

“Yes,” I said. “Been meeting. Good party. Thank you for the tentacle.”

“Hmmm.” Her lips pressed together. “At least you found a dress.”

This was as cordial as we ever got. I took a drink of wine instead of speaking further.

“Why don’t you go speak to the priests of the beetle we brought in,” she said. She pointed over the corner. “They even brought in an Imago, from the northern sea. It might help if you’d like to reconcile with your… well, your husband.”

The imago was a strange figure here, in the idle south. She was wearing a pair of glasses with hundreds of lenses in each frame, reflecting the light into hundreds of different reflections. It flickered brightly every time she turned her head.

Why was my mother inviting beetle cult members to her parties? “Aren’t they…” I winced. “You know, crazy?” I pointed to my head. People said they all shared one brain. As if this needed to get worse.

“Just go and say hello. It would really make the baron happy-”

“I’m going out to see the moon,” I interrupted. I would come back to the party soon enough. “You already requested the changes, didn’t you? I’ll be back soon enough.”

Before she could argue, I was stepping out, through the crush of people and bodies. Even as I tried to leave, they stepped in my way. Reached out to say hello, to ask me how I’d enjoyed my time at the temple. Asking if I’d seen the truth in Teuthida’s eyes.

“Oh, I saw a lot of truth,” I snapped, and stepped through the back door.

Hunched by the exit, smoking the bottom of a pipe, was Cornelia. She looked up guiltily. “Ah-”

“Let’s go,” I said. “It’s been long enough.”

“This garden is walled in,” she said. She doused the smoke. She had clearly been eavesdropping. For some reason, that was what made me actually like her. At least she had some personality. “What do you mean to-”

“You think I grew up here and can’t break out?” I didn’t run, but I walked fast, past the new garden beds and the flowers with their bowing heads, to the space where you could climb the trellis if you were limber and a little light.

I was neither, but I was determined. I looked at Cornelia over my shoulder. “Want to give me a boost?”

Overhead, the moon shimmered. One more night.