Hive Minds Give Good Hugs

I sit stock-still, not trusting myself to respond, to move, or to even breathe. Tara, similarly, stops plodding along in her bear body, the pair of us waiting alone in the wilderness as the sun starts to set.

Is this it? Is this where I die?

"I'm sorry," Tara blurts out.

In my panic, my initial interpretation of that phrase is an advance apology for the fact that she's about to eat me, but as my brain starts to kick in, I notice her hands clenched in her lap. I look at her face, drawn with an expression of intense pain, gazing downwards at her wet and muddy socks. I hadn't thought to bring extra shoes, after all, and mine would probably be too small for her anyway. The way her eyes won't meet mine, the way her jaw clenches… she's not angry, she's not intending to hurt me. She's sad and scared and struggling.

This isn't a monster. This is a frightened friend.

"I… I'm so sorry, Evelyn," Tara repeats. "I should've told you sooner, I should've told you immediately. I was just afraid. Please don't hate me."

I take a deep breath.

"Tara…" I manage to answer. "What happened?"

"Promise you won't hate me?" she pleads.

I open my mouth to accept the promise on reflex, but I stop.

"I can't do that," I say instead. "This is a really big deal, Tara. Killing is something I feel very strongly about. But I can promise that I will listen, and I promise that I will still care about you."

The alien nods, her poofy, watering eyes all too human.

"Okay. Thank you, Evelyn," she says, trying to turn her choked sobs into chuckles. "Goodness, this body just keeps trying to pour water out of my eyes. Why does your species cry?"

I shrug.

"According to Pixar, it's to demonstrate to others that we need help."

"Okay, I get that, but..." a real laugh manages to escape from the tears. "I also need to see. C-come here. I need to try to explain. Look out thataway."

Scooting closer, I do as she asks, my gaze following a pointed finger to a small mountain peak in the distance.

"All this wilderness outside your city… it's not a natural park. It's privately owned by a single widow, living alone."

Out in the distance, halfway up the mountain, I see it. A cabin in the woods. Well, not exactly; it's far too nice of a house to call a simple cabin, with two sturdily-built stories and doubtlessly plenty of space inside. It must be quite the lonely house for anyone who lives by themselves. A small dirt road snakes down from it into the valley, winding and twisting in ways that would give me a heart attack to actually try to drive.

"When I first got here, Evelyn, I was terrified out of my mind," Tara begins. "My body… I mean, the body you saw in that cave that looks like how I used to look, that's not truly my original body either. It's similar in shape, but larger, stronger, tougher. Many parts of the same, and it still looks like me, but it's an... altered me. Too altered. It cannot be the body I had at home.

"Anyway, immediately I start to panic. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I was alone and scared on an alien planet of all places. But I ended up finding a river, had something to drink, and then found a small crustacean that I believe is called a 'crawdad.' And some part of whatever I am now demanded that I eat it on the spot. Raw."

She shudders, memories hitting her. Her hands clenched and unclench, the bear beneath me almost shrinking down on itself at the thought of it.

"It was horrifying, and I believe it is the single most pleasurable experience I have ever had in my life. I could. Not. Stop. I kept eating from there, each new creature filling me with ecstasy and knowledge. I don't know what I am, Evelyn, but whatever it is can learn nearly everything about anything alive, just by digesting it. The fascinating beauty of your planet… oh, Evelyn, the way I see it now is literally indescribable. But to my shame, I got… swept away, for a time. I'm not a fool, I knew it was dangerous. Wrong. Downright evil, even. But after that first moment I just ate and ate and ate everything in sight before I eventually stopped."

I swallow fearfully.

"What's 'eventually' mean?" I ask softly.

Tara chuckles again, although this time it's humorless.

"Oh, don't worry. It was more than I would've liked, less than I feared might be the case. This isn't yet the part of the story where… you know. There's just a small clearing in the forest nearby where everything, every damn living thing is just… gone. I ate even the trees to nothing. It's all gone. I'd rather not show you, to be honest. I hope no one ever sees it, it's…"

She takes a deep breath.

"It's terrifying, Evelyn. I feel insane."

"We don't have to go there," I assure her. I can imagine what it's like.

"Thank you, Evelyn," Tara says, smiling softly. "So yes. Insanity, brief but unpleasant rampage, and then all of a sudden I started laying eggs. Now unlike you humans this is hardly the first time I've laid a clutch before, my people... hrm. Well, at the risk of oversharing we, ah, fertilize externally. But our eggs are nowhere near the... size of my first on this planet. Imagine my surprise, hmm?"

Yeah," I allow. "I can see that being scary and awkward, for sure."

"Oh, goodness yes. And then of course it hatched despite a lack of male involvement and suddenly I had two brains!"

"I'm guessing that was even weirder?" I ask.

"I would go so far as to claim you literally cannot imagine how weird it is, Evelyn. Even with your ridiculous imagination."

"Yeah, that's fair. So what happened next?"

"Well, I send my new body out into the wilderness to explore. What else was I to do with myself? And it stood to reason if I could live with one body and make more, perhaps I could still live with one body if I lost one. I was expecting to die a rather horrible death, in fact, when a strange alien making strange noises suddenly picked me up and started to feed me crickets."

"This is strange alien sounds familiar," I coyly prod.

"Yes, you've met her actually," Tara confirms. "Although you don't seem to like her very much, which hurts me to see. I think you'd love her if you just gave her a chance."

…Ouch. My heart cracks, but I slap on a smile.

"Prodding my shriveled self-esteem is a technical foul, Tara! Tell your story!"

"I am. Anyway, this alien was obviously intelligent. She had crafted coverings, tools, and her sounds seemed to be language. Most importantly, she was kind. Thoughtful. Observant. I was worried for a moment when she put me in a cage, but it didn't last. She showed her love even for unintelligent creatures, and took little time in realizing I was no unintelligent creature. There were no more cages from that point on. The moment she suspected, there was no patronizing, no mistreatment. I, a complete stranger and other unknown to her, was immediately treated as her equal and guest."

A blush rises through my face, creeping all the way down to my shoulders as Tara's complements refuse to stop.

"I immediately thought to myself, 'what a wonderful planet I must be on, to be populated by a kind and caring species such as this.'" she continues, and it's like a bucket of ice water. Shit, here it comes. "So naturally, I wanted to find other humans as soon as possible, but I'm... shy. Not in the same way you are, but still… there were a lot of humans around you but I felt more comfortable seeking out the small, lone structure on the hill. I thought I understood what that was. So that night I set out with my first body to the lovely little home on the hill. Maybe I would be feared, maybe I would be turned away, but your kindness gave me the will to try."

She pauses, the night silent but for the loud breathing of the bear below us.

"…What happened?" I eventually ask.

"I walked right up to the door. I knocked. Then when she answered, her face went white and she shot me."

Oh, god.

"She's an old woman. Was an old woman. Maybe seventy or eighty? She had been carrying the gun from the moment she answered the door, but of course I had absolutely no idea what it was. Not until she raised it and nearly killed me. Instead the bullet pierced my shoulder, damaging my leg. She would've killed me if she had just hit me a foot to the right. I'd be dead. I never imagined such immediate, lethal violence would've been possible. No one outside the military would have had a weapon of that power on my planet, and they certainly would have never used it without warning. For all I know killing my original body would be the death of me, all of me. So of course I was terrified and I immediately turned to run… and then she shot me again."

Tara is shaking at this point, her tears flowing once more.

"I tried to run away and she fucking shot me again! I had nowhere to run, I was too big to hide, and and just a moment of… of... fuck! I made my choice, that's all. I could've made another one, but at the time it... it felt like the only choice to make. I had to. I had to, or I…"

She chokes, the words vanishing under them for a few seconds.

"Dammit! W-why does your body do this?" She rubs at her face, trying to scrub it dry. "I can't even... your brain just...!"

Sobs roll out of her, completely cutting off anything else she might be trying to say. I sit next to her in silence, not knowing what to do to comfort her. Do six-land giant bug people hug? Do they hug if they are in human bodies? I don't know. But I remember Tara comforting me by grasping my finger, so the least I can manage is to reach out and hold her hand. It's awkward, it's difficult. Touching another human is very different from touching a cute little bug. I think it's the right thing to do here. I clasp her fingers tightly, and she squeezes me back, her other hand occupying itself with drying the ever-replenishing tears falling from her face.

Five minutes later, her sobbing finally starts to abate. The sun set a little while ago, which would normally be a problematic issue for someone as far away from home as I am. Ironically, I suppose, it's much less problematic for the person so much further from her own. So I'm not worried. Tara will know where to go, so I sit in silence, watching the stars with her.

"Your autonomic processes are ridiculous," Tara eventually complains, her voice a bit scratchy. "I can't believe I went all-in on the authentic human experience."

"Hey, don't blame me," I retort. "I didn't make the body. Remove the tear ducts if you don't like them."

She laughs. For whatever reason, she still makes that horrible, shrill screeching, even in her human body. It's excruciatingly terrible. I love it.

"I could, I suppose," she admits. "And I think… I think I could have flooded myself with endorphins, too, wiping away the sadness like it was nothing. Don't ever let me do that, though. I should feel horrible at a memory like that. It assures me I'm still sane."

I squeeze her hand again.

"So…" I awkwardly breech. "You're saying it was self-defense. Right?"

"It was definitely self-defense," Tara agrees. "I don't… I don't know if it would be legally. But I was attacked first. She wanted me dead. I would never kill someone for less. Never, ever, ever."

I nod. It still makes me a little sick, but I understand. This world can be terrible.

"I forgive you," I tell her. "I don't hate you, Tara."

Immediately, I see her tears threaten to flow again… but for the opposite reason. The alien girl leans over, burying her face into my shoulder and wrapping her arms around me. It turns out six-limbed giant bug people hug after all. They give very good hugs indeed.

"Thank you, Evelyn," Tara whispers. "Thank you so much, for everything."

…

I wake up the next morning with tears in my many eyes. Oh, Tara. Beautiful and wonderful Tara. I… I wish I could remember what happened next.

"Point of order," Hsthressis thinks at me, her whole body stiff. "What the fuck was that?"