God of Eyes

With everything going on, I decided that the four things I really needed right now were to keep an eye on the incoming enemy, make sure the temple got built on time, and figure out how to use the generator, and deal with the ash spirit of Xenma, not necessarily in that order. With the generator only started charging, I figured that there was no realistic way that it would be usable in the short term unless the batteries started charged, but the small series of color coded lights on the outlet box suggested they were not at all full.

Likewise, the experts building the temple seemed already to be doing the best they could, and the armies just continued to march, so for the moment, my attention was brought back to my erstwhile benefactor and current spiritual cargo, Xenma.

Cruel, but not wrong. When I focused on his spirit, rather than being in my Little Gods' Room I appeared in a featureless space that I realized after a moment was the inside of my soulflame "jar". The seemingly featureless space was actually hiding a number of features that might as well have been enormous mechanical gears, in that if anything got caught in them they would be crushed and reduced to essence, but built on magic or spiritual essence in a way that was difficult to put into words.

And there, carefully avoiding those crushy bits of the jar, was something that looked a lot like Xenma's shadow, as I had seen him repeatedly, but three dimensional, hanging in the air, and made out of living ashen flame--more than that, though, he seemed to have a irregularity to him, an irritability to him, one that reminded me vaguely of television static, with just a bit of angry tint to it.

Along with that pain was an unnerving smile.

And how is my daughter?

I studied him. I'd been told that ashen spirits turned into wraiths if they didn't get the 'wish' that they sacrificed their life for, and Xenma had been very clear that he wanted happiness for his daughter. It had only been a day, but... but I was also hanging out with another goddess, and I could see how a father might be upset about that.

"Your daughter is an adult capable of making her own decisions," I replied. "She is on her way here, and I hope to see her soon. She seems well, from what I can tell. I don't believe her to be in any danger."

The angry nature of the spiritual static subsided, a bit. I would have thought she would run to your side, a blushing bride to her beloved.

"That's what I mean when I say she's an adult." I frowned at the shade. "You can't keep expecting her to be a child forever."

As I watched, a current of different textured ash floated through Xenma's body, like a small whorl of clean water in a muddy pond, but it was nowhere near enough to change his state in general. She is my daughter. I wish for her happiness.

All of my divine senses told me that was a lie. "You wish for your own redemption."

Xenma formed a ball of ashen flame in his hand, and it became a bolt of lightning. Do not tempt me to fight. Only tell me that she will be ...happy.

I stepped closer to Xenma. "I will be her friend and ally as long as she will have me."

Xenma's head tilted, and through the constantly shifting patterns of living ash that made up his body, I could swear a crack ran through him briefly. No. You will be her husband, and you will make her life complete. She will never fear and she will never hurt.

"If you as a god could not keep her safe and happy--"

YOU ARE A GOD NOW. The lightning in Xenma's hand crackled and grew, and his body shrank slightly, but the energy did not discharge into anything. YOU WILL DO WHAT I COULD NOT. I COULD NOT BE WITH HER. I COULD NOT BE HERS. I COULD ONLY BE... BE... BE...

I looked at the breaking spirit of Xenma, not sure how I could possibly find a safe way through the bundle of neuroses that he was displaying, but also... I felt quite certain that this place, the inside of the 'jar', was not a safe place to invite Alanna for a discussion. Did I release him? Try to create an afterlife for him? Or...

There was a long pause, and then I looked at him, pity in my eyes. "Do you believe that a normal home life would have made her happy?"

HER MOTHER CHASED MY SHADOW FOR HER WHOLE LIFE. I FOUND THE CHILD--MY CHILD--BROKEN IN A DITCH. HER SORROW AND DESPAIR IS MINE, AND I ACCEPT IT. BUT HER... HER... HOPES... NEED...

"Nobody can change the past." I sat down in front of Xenma. "But even a life with parents and a home can be full of longing and need."

The eyes swiveled up to face me, though it was hard to tell in the swirl of ash.

"It is easier for people with wealth, stability, and a home to convince themselves they have not done wrong by their children. But childhood is all about the future; life is always about the future. Whenever a parent does not prepare their child to be an adult, then they have done wrong. And you spent years doing that..." the next words to come out of my mouth were as much a surprise to me as anyone. "...but unlike her mother, you didn't know."

There was a pause, and pieces started to fall into place in my head.

"You didn't know you were neglecting a child, but why did she chase after you when she should have been preparing her daughter to live? If you found her alone in a ditch, that sin is on her mother, not you. Or... if she was forced to that, then other mortals, who forced her down, can share in the blame. But you who knew nothing, how much did you really do?"

Xenma's spirit had more of a dead quality to it, but one hand still clenched a lightning bolt with a crushing grip.

"Since you became her father, you have done what you could to prepare her to have a future. But her mother--"

HER MOTHER SERVED ALANNA AS AN ANGEL FOR MANY DECADES. SHE HAS SACRIFICED HERSELF... HAS SACRIFICED... HAS...

"Has chosen?" I tilted my head when looking at Xenma. "Or was it forced upon her? Did she willingly choose to serve her daughter out of love, or was it something else? Did she really chase you all those years because she wanted a bright future for her daughter? Perhaps, more than anything else, you believe her to be perfect, you believe that women can have no flaws, that she was an ideal that you needed to live up to."

"Perhaps, Xenma, you need to realize that even if she tried to do good, she was also kind of a bitch."

There was a pause, and then a laugh, although his grip on the lightning did not loosen... much. She was perfect. She loved... I should have loved my daughter that dearly, should have sacrificed my whole life to protect her.

I shook my head. "You don't love Alanna. You love her mother."

Xenma's eyes did not match mine. They stared down into the infinite white of this place, Yes.

"You seek redemption because she died before you understood your own feelings."

His head shook. No. I understood. I did not care. Mortals meant nothing to me. Mean... they mean nothing to me.

"Because you were a god forced to endure a life feeding only on the hatred of mortals." I didn't actually produce his Key, but created a facsimile for him to look at--a thing twisted and tinted slightly off-color, compared to 'my' key, which itself had a slight golden hue. "You never knew the good things about them. They did not invite you in, did not love you, did not worship you for things you did right, only for what you did wrong."

Ah, haha... is that what I did wrong? Xenma stopped looking down, and looked up, as though he could see the sky from within this locked-up place. For so long, that was all that made sense... power, and those who envied it. Mortals and gods. They were beneath me. Was I... lonely?

I snorted. "Of course you were. I haven't been doing this even a year and I'm lonely. You were lonely from the start, too, you only forgot."

Forgot... but I was loved... didn't know... as Xenma relaxed, the ash mostly took a more docile, less living form. Can I... be free?

I carried the ash out of the jar, and it instantly disappeared. I felt... certainly less powerful with that large quantity of flame gone, but somehow less on edge, as well. I grit my teeth as I came back to myself. Miana had been on edge because of black flame, but had this been affecting me as well? I hadn't noticed, but there was definitely something different.

It didn't matter, now. All I could do was the best I could. I checked in with Raine and the others, eager to have this all over and done with.

Raine had been put in the uncomfortable position of claiming to be an expert when she was definitely not. She was finding, however, that Xethram's domain of Eyes was incredibly useful in ways she would not have expected.

She'd already known that she could sense the eyes of enemy humans, but in the thicker forest that they'd been wandering through on top of the plateau, she quickly found that she could sense animal eyes on her as well, and if she was very gentle with her will, she could encourage those animal eyes to work for her. It was... not particularly helpful. They were mostly prey animals--wooldeer and some large chabbits--that were still easy to spook, but a little bit of gentle pushing had them walking as a bit of an escort. That give her confidence, at least, that predators weren't sneaking up. The few wolves that laid eyes on her she dissuaded with a spiritual push, and they kept away.

It was wearing on her that few of the Blades were interested in guarding the caravan anymore. They were towards the rear, working out some kind of plan, and runners had come up to invite any townspeople who were strong and healthy to scatter, along with town guards and Blades, apparently as some kind of feint. How they could possibly hope to lead an army several times their size into an effective trap... Raine tried hard not to worry too much about it.

Tammy had been gently suggesting that Ryan was scared, and so she wasn't expecting him to come in and fix everything. He did check in on her a few times, and seemed relieved to find her well, if tired and discontent. Raine had honestly been hoping to be part of striking a blow against the enemy, as well, but under the circumstances, saving people from that same enemy would have to do.

He showed up again, a nervous presence in her mind, and seemed to finally notice the thin web of connections between her and the animals nearby. He studied it, and she got the sense of a smile, before he touched her shadow, appearing on the ground next to her in what was definitely an inconvenient way of communicating, altogether.

"How are things there?" came Xethram's smooth voice, one that seemed more at odds with the situation than Ryan's less refined voice would have.

"Untamed, my lord" growled Raine in return, as she chopped her way through a bit of brush. There were open areas on the path forward, but the fastest path was to get them to the river, and that meant cutting through some denser areas. "I wish we had prepared for this."

"I am so very sorry, Raine," said Xethram, and he did sound sorry. "I wish so much of this was different."

Raine found that statement to be a waste of breath, but said nothing.

"I have been told that the greatest of our enemy, the leader of the Black ones, is not chasing, but some of the lesser ones are. That is a help, but not enough. My greatest fear was that we would not have enough strength to defeat the Enemy and also help in battle."

"I still wouldn't count on that, my Lord," she replied, testily, hacking again at a bush whose small branches were just a bit too woody to easily break when her sword hit them. "The Blades appear to be planning their fight around not having help."

There was a pause, and Xethram's voice sounded thoughtful. "In the end, that's the only way we could win. For them to be putting their full effort into this, as though we cannot help... and then if we can help then that might be enough. If they depend on us alone, we cannot win this for them."

Raine grunted, but her thoughts were lost in the battles she'd fought since Tammy had joined her. She was always counting on her own skill, and Tammy's, plus her companions, in spite of having a god on her side. She didn't... want a god looking over her shoulder and telling her what to do. Were the Blades really no different? They had always seemed different. Full of confidence, even arrogance, always eager to jump into battle.

"Do you know if the enemy has reached the top of the plateau?" Raine asked her shadow, letting the more complicated thoughts fall quiet in her head, the exertion and frustration of the trailblazing making it difficult to concentrate.

"Yes. I don't believe the Blades are fighting them, but most of the people back there are not... among my followers."

"They are not your Eyes," interpreted Raine.

"Hah... I guess so." Xethram's voice had a touch of humor to it, and then there was a pause. "The animals... seem to like you."

"I've tried to be gentle, but it probably helps that people don't come up here much. If they knew us, they'd be more scared."

"I suppose." There was a sigh. "So much to do. Raine, please let me know if anything happens."

"Of course, my Lord."

With that he was gone, but Raine could not help feeling pleased that he seemed somewhat less worried by the end.