Glitch Slapped

Sam wiped the sweat from his brow, glaring at the flickering trees in front of him. The world around him felt like it was caught in a fever dream: the trees occasionally blinked out of existence, the ground warped and distorted with each step, and the sky overhead rippled like bad CGI. For all intents and purposes, reality itself was losing its shit.

“Tell me again why I haven’t just laid down and let the glitches take me,” Sam muttered, dragging his boots through the warped mud.

"Because you’re too dumb to give up and too unlucky to die gracefully,” Glitch replied from his usual spot, hanging off Sam’s hip with that ever-smug tone of voice. “Besides, you’d probably mess up your own death. Wouldn’t want to leave this world in even more shame, would you?”

Sam kicked a stone, watching as it glitched mid-air, blipping out of existence before phasing back in a few feet down the road. “Yeah, because surviving here is such a blast.”

The two had been wandering through this broken, messed-up world for what felt like days. There wasn’t even a clear sense of time here-just endless glitchy forests, stuttering landscapes, and the growing realization that Sam had no idea what he was doing or where he was going.

Ahead of him, through the digital haze of the forest, a sign flickered into existence. It was nailed crookedly to a tree that shifted between wood and static, its letters glitching between The Drunken Misfit and The Mistake.

“Great,” Sam muttered, squinting at the flickering building that loomed behind the sign. “A tavern run by a mistake. Sounds about right.”

“Oh, come on,” Glitch purred with delight. “You’ll fit right in.”

Sam sighed and trudged toward the door. His instincts screamed for him to turn back, but given the universe’s determination to screw him over no matter what he did, there didn’t seem to be much point. Might as well see how deep the rabbit hole went.

_____

The tavern’s interior wasn’t much better than the outside. The walls shifted between rough stone and a glitchy, pixelated mess. Tables flickered in and out of existence, patrons glitched mid-conversation, and Sam couldn’t tell if the warped music playing in the background was supposed to sound like that or if it was another symptom of the world’s ongoing mental breakdown.

At the bar, a woman with mismatched clothing poured drinks for a few bedraggled patrons. Her form glitched as much as the tavern itself-one moment she looked like an ordinary woman, the next, she morphed into a pixelated fox-human hybrid with a wicked grin.

Sam slid onto a barstool, glancing sideways at the other patrons. They all looked… defeated. Disheveled, glitching in and out of proper form, and completely out of place.

“Looks like a group of people who’ve given up on life,” Sam muttered.

“Perfect,” Glitch said. “Your people.”

Before Sam could reply, the bartender sauntered over, her form glitching again as she leaned on the counter. Her smile was sly and full of mischief, and Sam got the distinct feeling that she enjoyed the chaos of this world far more than anyone should.

“New face,” she said, eyeing him up and down. “You must be fresh meat.”

“Fresh?” Sam scoffed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I feel more like rotten leftovers.”

The woman chuckled, a deep, raspy sound that made Sam feel like he’d just wandered into the lair of a particularly sadistic predator. “I’m Trinket,” she said, tapping the counter. “Owner of this fine establishment. And judging by the look on your face, I’m guessing you’re another poor bastard who got sucked into this world without a clue.”

Sam snorted. “You guess right. You got a club for that or something?”

“More like a guild,” Trinket said, her grin widening. “We call ourselves the Misfits. And by the looks of it, you’re exactly the kind of chaos we like to recruit.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Recruit? Lady, I just walked in. I’m not sure I’m ready to join some glitchy social club.”

“Oh, you’ll warm up to it,” Trinket replied, leaning closer. “You’re not the first one who’s stumbled in here, and you won’t be the last. We’re all from the same place-the real world. Some of us got plucked out of boring desk jobs, others from more exciting gigs, but one thing’s for sure: we all ended up here, stuck in this broken-ass world with no way back.”

Sam’s ears perked up. “You’re from Earth?”

“Yup,” Trinket said, sliding a drink across the counter. “One minute I’m minding my own business at a concert, and the next I’m here, pouring drinks for glitch-ridden assholes. Welcome to the party.”

Sam glanced around the tavern again, eyeing the other patrons. It was like looking at a collection of washed-up characters from a bad sitcom, each of them bearing the telltale signs of someone who had been teleported here against their will.

“You’re all from Earth?” Sam asked, more out of disbelief than curiosity.

“Every last one of us,” Trinket replied. “And most of us got stuck with glitchy powers and messed-up classes. Welcome to the guild where we make it work. Kind of.”

Sam leaned back, folding his arms. “So, let me guess. You found a way to deal with all this glitchy bullshit?”

Trinket’s grin widened. “Oh, we didn’t just deal with it. We embraced it. You see, trying to fix things in this world? That’s a lost cause. You’ll drive yourself mad. So we Misfits decided to do what we do best-thrive in chaos.”

Sam narrowed his eyes. “That sounds like a load of crap. You’re telling me you just let this world glitch around you, and you’re fine with it?”

Trinket shrugged. “Fine is relative. But we’ve made it this far, haven’t we? And that’s better than most can say. You’ve got two choices in a world like this: lose your mind trying to fight it, or lean into the madness.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly big on leaning into madness,” Sam muttered, glancing at his drink as it flickered between a pint of ale and a mug of glittering liquid.

Before he could stop himself, his mouth moved on its own and he shouted “I LOVE LICKING HAIRY TAINTS!”

Sam froze, his face turning red, and his eyes widened in horror. The words had left his mouth as easily as breathing-totally unbidden and with no chance to shove them back in.

Trinket blinked, staring at him like he’d just grown a second head. A few patrons at the bar turned to look, eyebrows raised in shock, and someone in the back choked on their drink.

“I didn’t-oh, shit-” Sam sputtered, clapping a hand over his mouth.

Glitch, on the other hand, was howling. His zipper mouth opened wide, the leather of his bag body convulsing as he cackled in sheer, unadulterated glee.

“Oh my god!” Glitch wheezed, his voice cracking with laughter. “You-you fucking said it! No, you shouted it! AGAIN! You can't write this stuff! This-this is too good! ‘I love licking hairy taints’? What the fuck, Sam! Oh, I’m never going to let this one go!” Glitch exploded again into uncontrollable laughter, his entire being convulsing with amusement. His zipper mouth stretched impossibly wide, and the leather of his bag body quivered as he howled like a maniac. “I’m literally losing my mind over this! This is pure, unadulterated comedy gold! I can’t believe you just did that in front of all of these people!”

Sam’s mortification deepened as Glitch continued his relentless, uproarious laughter, practically rolling in the air. The damn bag was reveling in every second of it, bouncing against his side, practically rolling in the air in uncontrollable laughter.The damn bag was enjoying this way too much.

“I didn’t mean to say that!” Sam hissed, his face burning with embarrassment. “It just-it just slipped out!”

“Well, whatever slipped out,” Glitch gasped between fits of giggles, “was fucking beautiful. I’m framing this moment in my glitchy little heart.”

Trinket blinked, and then, slowly, a grin spread across her face. “Oh, you’re gonna fit in here just fine.”

Before Sam could respond, a familiar voice cut in from behind him.

“Do… you… quest?”

Sam groaned. Loop had appeared beside him, the NPC’s glassy eyes staring vacantly ahead as he repeated his favorite line.

“Loop, for fuck’s sake, not now,” Sam muttered, but Loop was as relentless as ever.

“Do… you… want a taint-licking quest?”

Sam’s eyes widened in horror. “What the hell?!”

Glitch lost it. If he had been laughing before, now he was howling with such force that his zipper mouth seemed to be stretching wider than physically possible. “OH SHIT! OH FUCK! YES! YES! YES! PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS REAL!”

Loop, as usual, remained oblivious to the chaos he was causing. “Do… you… want… a taint-licking quest?”

“NO, I DON’T WANT A TAINT-LICKING QUEST!” Sam shouted, his voice cracking with frustration.

But it was too late. Glitch was practically in tears. “I can’t! I can’t fucking breathe!” he gasped. “You-Loop-this is too fucking good! A taint-licking quest! Oh, Sam, you’re a goddamn treasure!”

Sam, meanwhile, buried his face in his hands, trying to drown out both the mortification and Glitch’s howling laughter. “This world is going to kill me. Slowly. Painfully.”

“Or,” Trinket said, barely able to contain her own laughter, “you could stick around. You fit in better than you think.”

“Someone-please-make it stop,” Sam groaned.

Trinket leaned in, her grin sly. “I’m serious. You’ve got the kind of energy we thrive on here. The world’s not going to stop being a clusterfuck anytime soon, but if you’re willing to stick around, we could use someone like you. Someone who can, uh, roll with the punches. Or, you know, the taint-licking quests.”

Sam raised his head just enough to shoot her a glare. “You’re not helping.”

“Oh, but I think I am,” she said with a chuckle. “Look, Sam. Everyone here? We’ve all been where you are. Confused, embarrassed, wondering how the hell we ended up in this broken world. But here’s the thing-we’ve learned to survive. And if you’re willing to stop fighting the madness and lean into it, you might just survive too.”

Sam hesitated, glancing around the tavern again. The patrons were slowly returning to their drinks, some still snickering under their breath. Loop had wandered off, thankfully taking his “quest” with him, and Glitch was still catching his breath, a few stray chuckles escaping every now and then.

“I don’t know…” Sam muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Trinket tilted her head, her smile softening. “You don’t have to decide right now. But think about it. This world’s not going to fix itself. And you’ve got something most people don’t-you’ve got a sense of humor about it. That’s how you survive here.”

Sam sighed, glancing down at Glitch, who was still grinning like a madman. “I guess that’s one way to look at it.”

Trinket poured another drink, sliding it over to him. “So, what do you say? Stick with us, see how it goes? We Misfits could use a guy like you. Just… maybe leave the taint-licking stuff to your private time.”

Sam groaned, grabbing the drink. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“Not a chance,” Glitch said, still giggling. “Best day of my fucking life.”

“Fine,” Sam muttered. “But if Loop shows up with that quest again, I’m throwing him off a cliff.”