Emmy And Me

When it came time to pack for Stanford, Mom was far more thrilled about it than I was. I had no idea what to bring beside some clothes and the laptop Emmy gave me for Christmas. Mom suggested that I bring some things that reminded me of home, and I thought for a while about it. At first I was just gonna take some family photos, but going through my stuff I realized that what I wanted to take most of all was Emmy’s acoustic guitar. When Mom saw that I had put it by the door to take, she asked me if I was really sure, a concerned look on her face.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” was all I could answer. I felt guilty that I wasn’t taking anything to remind me of Stephanie, but I couldn’t think of anything to take. Our last day together had been sweet, but sad. Neither of us wanted to bring up the obvious, which was that it would be Thanksgiving before we’d see each other again and that was a really long time away. Honestly, I’d been feeling less and less satisfied with how things were between us, and I was hoping that time apart would help clear things up.

Lying on the warm concrete by her pool, I’d asked “Steph, can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” she laughed.

“Ha ha. No, seriously,” I replied.

“Sure. What’s up?” Steph asked, spritzing her beautiful legs with that little pink spray bottle of hers.

“You remember you told me you wished you had what Emmy and me had? You know, that intimacy? Remember that?”

“Yeah, I remember. The two of you were so... Yeah, I remember.”

“Do you think we have that?” I asked, not sure what she would answer.

“Well, we’re intimate, aren’t we?” Stephanie said. “I mean, like, I’ve never been as crazy about anyone as I’ve been about you, Leah. I’ve never wanted to do the things we do with anybody else, either. I mean, I’ve never given it up to anybody else, and if that isn’t intimate I don’t know what is. When I think about you, I can’t help but thinking of your hands on me, you kissing me, and it makes me feel special to know that you want me as bad as I want you.”

Stephanie seemed to think that this answered my question, but I wasn’t convinced it did and it left me feeling strangely hollow inside while I was packing my stuff.

Mom didn’t want to bring any bedding or anything like that, reasoning that until we saw the dorm room we wouldn’t know what I needed anyway. “We’ll buy whatever you need up there,” she explained, and it made sense, but I took the pillows from my bed anyway.

I took one last long look around the apartment that was the only place I’d ever lived and silently said goodbye. I knew I was being overly dramatic since I’d be back to visit in a few months, but it did feel like the life I’d known was ending. Sure, a new life for me was starting and I knew that, but it was still a sad moment for me when I shut and locked the door behind me and walked down the stairs to join Mom and Tiffany in the car.

The drive up was nice. We took the Coast Highway through Big Sur, and even saw a half dozen condors flying above the cliffs. We stopped in Monterrey that night and visited the aquarium at Cannery Row in the morning. It was afternoon by the time we got to campus, so we took a quick inventory of what I’d need for my dorm room, then went into town to do some shopping.

It was nice, spending some quality time with Tiffany and Mom. No girlfriend drama, no stress, just good family time. It was ironic that I’d hardly spent any time with my family all summer and these two solid days together were the last I would see them for over three months.

Classes weren’t due to start for a couple more weeks, so I had my double dorm room all to myself for a while. It was kinda weird being one of the very few occupants in the blocky red buildings. The dining halls were practically deserted, too, so I felt as if I had this new world I was going to be living in for the next four years all to myself.

All I had to do those two weeks was work out and get ready for the season, so I used my free time to figure out where my classes were going to be, where I could find the best coffee, and where the best deals on used textbooks could be found. I bought a few things to personalize my dorm room, and bought some of my assigned books early. I figured I could get a jump on my reading for my Lit class, if nothing else.

Although I usually liked my alone time, I was also really lonely. I missed Tiff and Mom, and I really missed Stephanie. As pathetic as it sounds, I missed Emmy most of all. I kept thinking about how she had been so thrilled that we would go to Stanford together, and have our own little apartment. We’d be a couple, working hard towards our common goal, supporting each other any way we could. Well, that was our dream, anyway. Now here I was, about to embark on my college career, just one of thousands of incoming freshmen with nobody to hold my hand, nobody to hear my troubles, nobody to share my life with. At the school bookstore I bought a book on learning to play the guitar and tried to teach myself some chords, but it was no use. It only made me frustrated, and even more miserably lonely than I already felt.

The team’s trip to Houston for our season opener tournament was exciting for me, but also very stressful. I’d been selected to go, the only freshman that made the cut. Coach Burke had told me he expected big things from me and the game against the University of Texas Longhorns was going to be my first test. I’d been working my ass off in training, but I wasn’t totally sure I’d be ready. After all, every single one of these girls were the stars of their high school teams, and pretty much all of them were even bigger than me. Heck, one of my teammates was six foot eight! Add in the fact that most of the college-level starters were juniors or seniors who’d had a couple of extra years of training and workouts and I knew I was going to be swimming with the sharks.

I was determined to give it my all and use the tournament as a way to gauge my relative level. I’d said as much to Leslie Hong, our assistant coach, and she just laughed. “Don’t worry. Most girls don’t even get to play their first year. Burke is just rotating you in so you can get experience, that’s all. Just be yourself, play your game, and you’ll do fine.”

There was no way I was just going to coast, though. I was determined to make my mark. I was going to be that ‘heat-seeking missile’ that had caught Stephanie’s eye way back when.

Stephanie called me on Friday, the night before the tournament started. I still hadn’t told anybody on the team that I was gay, and since we were sharing rooms, I went for a walk outside to talk.

“Hey, baby. I miss you,” Stephanie purred, raising my body temperature a few degrees.

“Yeah?” I asked. “How much have you missed me?”

“I have missed you so much,” she said, her voice low and oh, so sexy. “I was thinking about you today, sunning by my pool. Maybe I was thinking about you too much, because it took me a really long time to rub myself with the cocoa butter.”

I was blushing, but there was nobody near to see. “I wish I could have seen that,” I said, my throat dry with desire.

“Me, too, baby. Me, too.” Then, changing the subject, Stephanie said “I wish I could be there to see you play this weekend. I wish I could watch my warrior, my stone cold killer in action.”

I laughed, wishing I had as much confidence in myself as Steph seemed to have in me. “I’m lucky I’m going to be allowed to play at all. I’m just a freshman, new kid on the block. I don’t have nearly the training and workout time these other girls have. I’ll be lucky if I don’t get creamed out there.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, baby. That Stanford coach came to the Temecula game to recruit that SmAshley chick, but, like, instead asked you to come to Stanford, right? He saw what I see. When I see you play, I see a goddess on the court.”

“Stop!” I protested. “If you make my head swell up too big I won’t be able to play at all!”

“Don’t worry. You’ll kick ass at the tournament. I know you will.”

“Thanks. Hey, how is everybody down there? How’s Mindy doing? Do you know if she’s heard from Robert or Tom?” I asked, wanting some news from home.

“Oh, yeah! That’s right! Mindy told me that Robert and Tom are doing well, and Tom has a job already. The two’re looking for their own place and everything.”

I was glad for my old friend, but wishing Steph and I could be at that point in our relationship.

Stephanie heard my sigh, because she asked “What’s wrong, baby?” in a gentle voice.

“Oh, I just wish…” I said, trailing off because I didn’t know how to say what was bothering me.

“What is it?”

“I just we could do that, too. Get our own place, I mean.” The thought of settling down, making a home with the girl I loved… it was just like some Shangri La, some ideal dream.

“I don’t know how that would work,” Stephanie said, her tone annoyed. “You know I can’t tell my mom about us.”

“Steph, you have to at some point. We can’t keep hiding the truth forever.” I hadn’t wanted our conversation to turn sour like this, but I’d been bottling it up for too long. “We can’t continue like this.”

“That’s easy for you to say, Leah. Your mom is O.K. with it. But even so, how come I never got to spend the night at your house? Why is that, Leah?” Stephanie was clearly angry, making me realize that she wasn’t completely happy with our arrangement, either.

“That was because of Tiff,” I objected, sounding lame even to myself.

“So you weren’t ashamed of Emmy, but you were ashamed of me as your girlfriend? Is that it? That’s, like, all kinds of fucked up, Leah.”

“No! That’s not what I meant!”

“Well, that’s the way it’s always come across to me. You keep talking about me telling my mom I’m a lesbian, and how you want a life with me, but you’re too, like, ashamed of me to even tell your little sister about me even though she knows you like girls and is perfectly O.K. with that.” Stephanie was almost yelling in to the phone, and I felt every word like a kick straight to my chest.

“How can you say that?” I asked, my voice broken and pathetic.

“Leah, I’m sick and tired of being compared to Emmy. I am not her, Leah. I’m my own self. I have my own life, my own issues to deal with. What you had with Emmy? It’s gone and over with, Leah. You and me, we have to deal with what is in front of us, and you need to stop bringing Emmy up all the god damned time!”

I stared at the phone in my hand long after Steph hung up on me. ‘What just happened?’, I wondered to myself. I tried calling back, but it went straight to voicemail. I left some sorry excuse for a message, begging her to call me back, but she didn’t.

I don’t know how long I sat on that park bench, but after a while a couple of my teammates found me. They said that Coach Leslie had sent them out to look for me because I’d been gone so long. I went back to the room I was sharing and flopped down on the bed.

“Are you O.K.?” asked Kerry, my temporary roommate.

“I’m fine,” I said, my face buried in my pillow.

Kerry came over and sat on the edge of my bed and said “Somehow I doubt that.”

“No, seriously, I’ll be O.K.”

“Really? It looks to me as if your dog just got run over, or you found out Oprah’s ending her show.” That got a little chuckle from me, but I still didn’t want to talk.

“C’mon, kid. Sometimes it helps to talk.” Kerry was rubbing my back, trying to get me to loosen up, and it was helping.

“I think I just got dumped,” I explained, feeling imminent tears.

“Was that your boyfriend that called earlier? The one you went outside to talk to?”

I nodded. I wasn’t about to tell her the truth, not until I felt a little more confident in my new environment.

“So tell me what happened. You might feel better if you got it all out in the open,” Kerry said, and I groaned inwardly at her choice of words.

“That’s the problem,” I sniffled. “She doesn’t want things out in the open,” I said, realizing the instant the words left my mouth that I’d let the cat out of the closet, so to speak. “Oh, fuck,” I groaned, wishing I could rewind what I’d just said.

“She?” asked Kerry, but the concerned tone of her voice didn’t change, and she didn’t stop rubbing my back. “Your girlfriend doesn’t want things out in the open?”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” I pleaded.

“Don’t worry, girl. It’s not my secret to spread. Nobody’s going to hear it from me,” Kerry assured me.

“Are you…?” I asked, unsure. People talk about gaydar, but mine sure doesn’t seem to work worth a damn.

“Me? No. I like big, hairy guys. With tattoos, I might add.”

“But it doesn’t bother you to have a lesbian on your team?” I asked, still trying to figure out where I stood with Kerry.

“You wouldn’t be the first,” she said, and I could practically hear the sound of her eyes rolling. “As long as you’re not too handsy in the showers, I’m cool with it.”

That broke the mood a bit, so I tried to lighten it up further by sticking my lower lip out in an exaggerated pout, saying “Awww…” in a disappointed tone. She laughed, and that, along with the fact that Kerry hadn’t stopped rubbing my back through all this made me feel comfortable, as if I could open up to this girl that seemed so much older and wiser than me.

I told Kerry about how things had been with Stephanie, and how I wished she could be open about us to her mom, not to mention the rest of the world.

“Is this the friend you came up with at the July training camp? The one with the great tan?” Kerry interrupted, showing me that she’d been paying attention.

“Yeah,” I smiled, thinking about how Steph had sat in the bleachers and watched our workouts.

“She’s really pretty.”

“Yeah, she is,” I agreed.

“I have to say, you guys hid it pretty well. I didn’t get any vibes off you other than you were high school friends,” Kerry said.

“Thanks, I guess. But that’s the problem. We can’t continue to have a real relationship if we have to hide it all the time,” I complained.

“Yeah, I could see how that could be tough,” Kerry agreed. “But here’s the thing. She’s back in San Diego, and you’re not, right? So you really don’t have to hide a damned thing until you go back home for Thanksgiving. You don’t have anything to hide, because obviously, you don’t have anything going on. Maybe some hot and heavy phone calls, but that’s it, right?”

“Yeah,” I conceded, not sure where she was going with this.

“Well, that’s months away. A lot could change in her life during those three months, right? Maybe by the time you go home to visit, she’ll be ready to tell her mom. Maybe not, but in the meanwhile, you’re stressing about something that doesn’t need to be dealt with just yet. Cross that bridge when you get to it. Don’t worry about it now.”

“I guess so,” I said, still unconvinced. “It’s just, well, I’m not really sure that there aren’t other issues that we’ve been pretending don’t exist, and I’m worried that it just isn’t working out between us as well as we’ve been telling ourselves it has.”

“Wow, girl. How old are you? You sure don’t sound like somebody fresh out of high school,” Kerry said, shaking her head. “Now do what you need to do to patch things up, if you can. Don’t let this thing eat at you.” She picked up my phone from where I’d dropped it on the bed. “Call her. If she won’t answer, leave her a message.”

I looked at the phone Kerry put in my hand. It was Emmy’s old iPhone, which I’d swapped my sim card into when her service got disconnected. I’d done it mainly because I wanted a daily reminder of Emmy, but most of the time I didn’t even give it any thought. Holding it, memories of Emmy listening to her music, earphones in, dancing in our bedroom came flooding back. I started to cry again, missing Emmy.

“Hey, girl! What’s with the waterworks?” Kerry asked, surprised at my reaction.

“I feel like an idiot,” I sobbed, burying my face in the pillow again.

“What’s going on now? Afraid to call your girlfriend?” Kerry’s voice was still very sympathetic, but I wasn’t going to tell her about Emmy. No way.

“No, that’s not it,” I said, my voice muffled. “I’ll call her later.”

“No, you will not. That is a very bad idea. Call now, or you’ll never do it.” She pulled me up by my shoulders into a sitting position. Sitting next to me, Kerry wrapped an arm around my shoulders and said “Look. If you care that much about this girl, you need to fight for her. I’ve seen you on the court, and I know you are one hell of a fighter. You aren’t afraid to get in there and mix it up, girl. Do this.” She handed me the phone again, and I took it. She was right, after all.

“Steph, baby. Look, I’m really sorry about earlier. I know it isn’t easy for you, and I’m sorry for pushing. Please, baby, call me. We need to talk this out. I don’t want to lose you over this. Call me. I love you,” I said when I got Stephanie’s voice mail.

“Well, that was pretty much weak sauce, but maybe it’ll do the job,” Kerry said. “Now, I know you skipped dinner. Let’s get your face washed, and we can try to find something for you to eat.”

Stephanie still hadn’t called by the time we started our first match against UT. I’d been surprised when Coach Burke had started me, and I was determined to put all the drama with Stephanie out of my mind and not let it affect my game. Thankfully, once the ball was served the action was so intense there was no room for anything but volleyball in my world, so forgetting was easy.

I did well, but there were a few moments I wished I could have had back. Coach Burke didn’t see it that way, though. He was so pumped about how I played in the first set he rotated me in for the third one as well.

Stephanie called during the first set of the day, when my phone was stowed in my gym bag. I didn’t hear her message until after we beat UT three to zero, and I was flying high. My first college tournament, and I’d helped the team to a dominating win. It felt good, and I was proud of myself. A few of my teammates congratulated me on my first match and I felt on top of the world.

My heart did a backflip when I looked in my new Cardinal Red gym bag (embroidered with my name in tan thread) and saw the missed call and voicemail from Stephanie. I wanted to go someplace quiet and listen to what Steph had to say, but at the same time I dreaded it. My choice was made for me when Coach Leslie told us all to shower and change so she could treat us all to ice cream to celebrate our first win of the new season. I was all nerves, wondering what waited for me in my voicemail, but I knew I wanted to be alone when I heard it, either good or bad.

I excused myself from the group at Ben & Jerry’s near campus. I told Kerry and the others sitting by me that my boyfriend had called and left a message during the game earlier and I wanted to have some privacy, so I’d be outside. Kerry asked if everything was O.K. and I told her I didn’t know yet. Answering the puzzled looks from a couple of the other girls, she answered “relationship problems” and they all nodded, understanding my need for space.

“Baby, I’m sorry, too,” Steph’s message began. “I never wanted us to fight. God, it’s been so hard for me, you know? It’s, like, all fucked up somehow. I don’t know what to do.” The misery in her voice made my heart ache in sympathy. “Call me when you get this message, baby. We need to talk. Call me as soon as you can.”

I dialed her number, but it rang a bunch of times, then went to voice mail. “Steph, hi. It’s me. Well, I guess it’s my turn to leave an awkward message. I’m glad you called me back. Sorry I didn’t answer- you called during our first match, which we totally won, and I got to play most of it. Anyway, call me back. Our next match starts at seven PM here, which is, um, five there in California. I won’t be able to answer-” and I was cut off by the electronic voice telling me my time was up. I sighed, and turned to rejoin my teammates when I saw Kerry standing a respectful distance away, a worried look on her face. I gave her a halfhearted smile.

“Everything O.K.?” she asked.

“I don’t know for sure, but I kinda think so. I mean, I hope so. I didn’t get to talk to her, but on her message she asked me to call back, so she at least wants to talk.”

“Well, that’s probably a good sign.”

“Yeah, I hope so,” I said, and we rejoined the celebration.

We won again that night, three to one, but I didn’t get to play as much. Coach Burke only put me in for the last set, which I was a bit bummed about but Sammy explained that he didn’t want to overstress my system on my first day of my first tournament and I could expect more playing time on the second day if I wasn’t too wiped out.

Steph again called during the match, but didn’t leave a message. She did text me “R U still playing?” Which was silly, because there would be no way I could answer that I was, could I?

When checked my bag and saw I saw her text after the last point, I texted back “We just finished, but we have a team meeting. Call you later?” and she almost immediately responded “K”.

I took this as a positive sign, so my good mood from the sweep of our first two opponents in the tournament piled on top of my relief that Steph and I might be able to work things out, and I was grinning like an idiot.

After we’d showered and changed into our warmups we gathered for our team meeting with Coach Burke. “I want to congratulate you all on a fine first day back,” he said. “I want to add that some of our newest additions really stepped up today, and with a little more time I think we can expect great things from them.” I blushed, knowing that I was the only new kid who played today, so it was me he was talking about. Kerry knew it, too, because she gave me a playful bump with her shoulder.

“Tomorrow we have two more games, and both are very winnable. I watched both teams play today, and I think if we play anything near as well as we did today we’ll walk away with a clean sweep.” I wished I could tell my old coach at FHS about today. Maybe I’ll email her, I thought, so self-satisfied I wanted to share it with somebody, anybody who could understand my pride.

After our dinner, Kerry and I returned to our room. “Here, lie down,” Kerry commanded, pointing at my bed. “No, on your front.” Wondering what she was planning, I did as she said. To my great pleasure, it turned out her major was exercise physiology and she gave me the best deep muscle massage my back and shoulders had ever had. Groaning with slightly painful pleasure, I told her about the message Steph had left, and the one I’d left for her. I told her about the texts, too, and how I hoped things were going to be O.K.

“Girl, I hope so,” Kerry said, working on my shoulders. “Damn, Leah. You got some kind of shoulders on you! How did you get these monsters?”

“I do handstand pushups. I’ve done them for years.”

“You’re freaking kidding me! There’s no way I could do that! No wonder you’ve got such a killer spike,” she said.

“Thanks,” I said, but my smirk gave me away and she gave me a little slap on my arm for fibbing to her. “So what do you think about Steph?” I asked, hoping for words of encouragement.

“I think you should really be talking to her instead of having some older woman feeling up your tender young body, that’s what I think.”

“Can I call her when you’re done feeling up my tender young body? This feels great, and if I’m relaxed when I talk to her things’ll go better, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, maybe. Don’t put it off too long, though.”

“Well, it’s two hours later here than there. That means it’s only seven o’clock at night back in California.”

“True enough,” Kerry admitted. “Now how are your legs feeling?” she asked, finishing up with my shoulders.

“Young and tender,” I replied.

Kerry snorted, but started working on my calves. After a couple of minutes she stopped to answer a knock on the door. Stacey and Kim wanted shoulder rubs, too, so Kerry told them to take a seat and she’d get to them when she was done with me.

“You’re lucky to be rooming with Kerry,” Kim told me. “Special treatment and all.”

“Don’t I know it,” I agreed as Kerry worked on my legs.

When my turn was over, Kim flopped down and I used the opportunity to sneak away for some privacy. “I’m going to make a call. I’ll be back in a few,” I said, and Kerry nodded.

Stephanie answered on the first ring. “How did your second game go?’ she asked. I was glad she started off with inconsequential stuff, instead of going straight into the thornier things we really needed to discuss.

“It was great. We won three to one, but I didn’t get as much playing time against Rice as I did versus Texas this morning. I guess Coach Burke doesn’t want to overwork me or something,” I replied.

“That’s great, babe. I mean, great that you guys won, not that you didn’t get to play much. How are things going with your teammates?”

“Pretty good. Actually, really good. Everybody’s great.”

We went on like this for a few more minutes, but finally Stephanie got to the important stuff. “Babe?” she asked, her voice turning soft and uncertain. I hated that we were having this talk separated by two thousand miles. I wished more than anything I could touch Stephanie, hold her, and kiss her until everything was all right. “Do you love me?”

That unexpected question floored me, and I was at a loss for words for a moment. “Leah?” Steph’s voice was even shakier than a moment before.

“Yeah, Steph. I’m here. It’s just, that was really unexpected. Of course I love you. I don’t know what’s going on. Why would you even doubt it?”

“Well, it’s like, we argue a lot now days. I know it really bothers you that I can’t tell my mom about us, and I hate it, too, but it seems like it’s, I don’t know. Driving you away, somehow.” I could hear the tears in her voice, and mine weren’t too far away. “I don’t know what to do, baby. Why does it have to be so complicated?”

I felt a kind of hot flash, recognizing those exact words I used when Emmy left, never to be seen again. Suddenly feeling queasy, I croaked “What do you mean?”

“Why can’t we just be in love and not have all this baggage?” Steph demanded. “I hate it, baby. I hate it more than anything. I hate lying. I hate hiding. I hate the fact you’re so far away. I hate…” and she finally broke down, sobbing into the phone.

I slumped down, sliding down the hallway wall until I was sitting in a heap. “I hate it too, Steph. I hate it too.” My tears were flowing, and all I could do is make soothing noises to try to let my distant girlfriend know I wished I could be there for her.

“C’mon,” I said. “Look. We don’t need to think about any of that stuff for now, Steph. All we need to think about for now is how much we love each other, and how much we wish we could be together, right? That’s all.” Thank you, Kerry. I owed one to my new favorite teammate.

“Yeah, I guess,” she sniffled.

“No, I’m serious. We don’t have to hide anything now, because we can’t be together, anyway, right?”

“Um, but you’re coming home for Thanksgiving, right?” Stephanie asked.

“Well, yeah, and we’ll have to deal then, but not now. Not now.”

“O.K., but you’re just putting it off, and we’re gonna have to deal with this eventually,” Steph said, sounded doubtful.

“Yeah, we will. But that’s months away, and we can figure it all out by then.” I knew I was just buying time, but it seemed reasonable to me.

“Leah, I love you so much. I miss you so bad it hurts me inside. I know Stanford is a great opportunity for you, but I have to tell you- I, like, hate that school for taking you away from me.”

I chuckled. “I’ll ask the regents if they can move the university closer to home.”

“I’ll give you something really, really special if you can do that,” Steph replied, cheering up.

“Really? How special?” I asked, trying to make my voice low and sexy.

“Very, very special,” Stephanie purred.

“In that case, I’ll see if I can schedule a meeting on Monday when we get back to Palo Alto.”

“You do that, baby. Tell them it’s urgent.”

“Yeah? How urgent?” Steph was getting me hot and bothered, and she knew it. She knew the effect she had on me, and she used it.

“Very urgent. Baby, just talking to you and hearing your voice makes me want to take a long, hot shower. A very long, very hot shower, babe. But I’m not sure even that will satisfy me.” Imagining Steph, water cascading off her tanned skin, made me wish I had some time for a moment to myself, too.

I walked back to the room, just in time to see Kim and Stacey leaving. I liked the two of them, but I was glad to be able to talk to Kerry in private.

“Well?” she asked as I sat down on my bed.

“It’s all good,” I replied.

“Seriously? That’s it?” Kerry demanded, unconvinced.

“Well, maybe,” I hedged. “I totally took your advice and told Steph that we don’t need to deal with our issues for now, and she agreed.”

“You know that only puts off the inevitable, right?”

“Yeah, Steph and I both know that, but better late than now.”

“Well, O.K., girl, but all you’ve done is call for a time out. At some point the game has to start again.” Kerry leaned back on her bed, giving me a hard look. “Use the time you’ve got. Get your shit worked out before you see her next. If you don’t, you’ll just be back in this same place. But it’ll be worse, because you’ll know you’ve been negligent.”

I was about to answer that I knew, but my phone chirped with a new text, distracting me. “It’s her,” I explained to Kerry as I opened the text.

“Thinking of u,” the text said, but it was the photo that took me by surprise. Steph had used the mirrored closet door to take a picture of herself in a very naked and very suggestive pose.

My face must have shown my shock, because Kerry laughed and said “I guess it’s hot?” I nodded, embarrassed, but she just laughed again. “Can I see?”

“I thought you said you weren’t into girls,” I protested, wondering what it was with straight girls wanting to see nude pictures of other girls. First it was Mindy, now Kerry?

“I’m not. I’m just curious what a chick would sext to her girlfriend.”

Thinking about it, I decided it wouldn’t do any harm so I handed the phone to Kerry. I couldn’t look at her when I did, though.

“Wow,” she said. “That’s…”

“Yeah,” I agreed, reaching for the phone, but Kerry pulled it away and kept looking at the photo that Steph had sent me.

“Are there any others?” Kerry asked, flipping through the pictures. I suddenly remembered the photos Emmy had taken of me and grabbed for the phone again, but Kerry held it away. “I take that as a yes,” she said, laughing.

Sighing, my humiliation upon me, I sat down and waited for her to find the nudes of me. It didn’t take her long. “Damn, girl, you have a fine set of cans on you!” Kerry saw the look I gave her and handed the phone over. “Hey, it’s all cool, kid. It’s all cool.”

I dreamed of Stephanie that night. It felt so real I could almost smell the cocoa butter when I woke the next morning.

Our two games on Sunday went really well. Coach Burke asked me if I was sore from Saturday and I told him I felt great, so he put me in for the whole time against Texas A&M, which we won easily. My stats were pretty good, too, so I wasn’t bothered when I was sat out for the match against OU. I felt confident that I’d made a good impression right out of the gate and figured my chances of starting our home opener were solid.

I texted Steph after the morning game to let her know I was thinking of her.

“I dreamt about you last night. When I woke, I could smell your coco butter on my skin.” I sent.

“<3”

“That phot was really hot. My roommate thought so too.” I texted.

“OMFG! No way!” Stephanie responded almost instantly.

“Its true. She saw the photo.”

“I cant believe u showed it 2 her!” I could almost hear the indignation in Steph’s texts, and it made me laugh.

“Its cool. She is straight but she is really understanding.”

“See if I send u anymore picures!”

“Don’t be like that, Steph. I promise I won’t show them to anybody any more. She knew about our fight, and was super understanding and helped mea lot.”

“So u thanked her by showing my private picture 2 her?”

“No, it wasn’t like that. She wanted to see the picture that made me so happy. I told her you make me feel super special and you are super sexxxy, and she wanted to see.” I felt as if all the progress we’d made the night before might be slipping away, with every minute I waited for Steph to respond.

Finally, after what felt like forever (but was only a few minutes), Steph texted back. “Sorry I got so mad. If u say its ok than I guess I have to trust u.”

I was glad to read that, but I wasn’t sure how to respond. I thought of sending her one of the nudes of me as a peace offering, but then I thought that it might not be a good idea since Stephanie was so sensitive about Emmy and she knew Emmy had taken those photos. In the end, all I could do was send a simple “:) I love you.”