Emmy And Me

I just got a couple of comments yesterday that I wanted to talk about, and open for further discussion.

The first was from reader Arnissan, and here it is:

I'm not sure I like current direction of the story. Or perhaps how we got here. It used to be Emmy and Me but now it's mostly Leah the Queen.

The story worked best for me until the Stephanie arc. It was a pretty great slice of life/high school drama story with a little mystery thrown into the mix. I loved everything about it, especially the romance.

Then the Stephanie arc came, and it felt forced in many ways. Surely Emmy could get some kind of message to Leah, even if weeks/month later. She wasn't imprisoned, she was on a tour with her parents. And her parents weren't even against the relationship in the end. But I could still go with it. The arc wasn't bad, it just wasn't as good as the story that came before it.

Later Emmy shows up and their coming back together again felt forced. Leah forced their relationship back into the old tracks with Emmy being incredibly passive. And it happens almost instantly, without proper buildup and emotional resolution. Leah decided they’re back together so they’re back together and powers through what seemed like Emmy’s depression. The dynamic that existed between them pre Stephanie is pretty much gone.

Then the music stuff came on, which felt pretty random. Emmy as an active story participant is almost gone completely with only a few noticeable flashes of what once was like the stripclub sex scene. The sex scenes are always great, but I also crave the feels.

And now Leah is doing kung-fu and wins fights against multiple grown ass men of what’s supposed to be a physically superior race, investing millions of dollars in real estate and doing the Braveheart speech thing at 18 years of age. It’s a bit hard to believe that a bunch of insular, secluded tribesmen would follow an 18-year-old white chick as a queen. And it's not clear to me how Leah arrived at this point in the story. It's as if I'm missing years of character development where Leah transforms from a regular teenager into a queen. But ok, I can still deal with it.

Long story short, I loved story for the Leah/Emmy dynamic and their romance. All the other stuff was just cherry on top, but now the cake is gone and that cherry is pretty bitter by itself.

The flippant attitude characters have towards killing in this chapter also throws me off. It's as if they're talking about a video game.

P.S. If I understood Emmy’s inquiry into the strip club chick correctly as some kind of setup for a reverse harem or a threesome and it’ll actually happen down the road then I’m out for good. But I’m sticking around for now, I still do love the characters.

I really appreciate that Arnissan took the time to write this. Feedback like this is what will help me grow as a storyteller, and that is the whole purpose of me even writing and posting this story here. As much as it's nice to receive "Thanks for the chapter" comments, in depth, thought (and discussion) provoking posts like this are just so much more.

I'm going to try to adress all of Arnissan's points, but what would be completely awesome from you, my lovely readers, is if you could voice your opinions, too. I'm going to break this into numbered bits to make it easier to reference. Thanks!

1. I'm not sure I like current direction of the story. Or perhaps how we got here. It used to be Emmy and Me but now it's mostly Leah the Queen.

Yes, this is true. In the current moment in the storyline, Emmy is relegated to mostly a supporting role. Now, in all fairness, this has always been Leah's story about her time with Emmy, but at this stage Emmy is mostly a prop with a few flashes of the old dynamic.

2. The story worked best for me until the Stephanie arc. It was a pretty great slice of life/high school drama story with a little mystery thrown into the mix. I loved everything about it, especially the romance.

A number of readers have made this comment. I don't really have much to say, except that without the ever-increasing stakes, this would be a very different story than I'd imagined (and outlined). Emmy and Leah did fall in love, and that love has faced some difficulties. This isn't a simple puff piece, full of nothing but sweetness and light. Without the lows it's hard to see the highs. And this story will have plenty of both.

3. Then the Stephanie arc came, and it felt forced in many ways. Surely Emmy could get some kind of message to Leah, even if weeks/month later. She wasn't imprisoned, she was on a tour with her parents. And her parents weren't even against the relationship in the end. But I could still go with it. The arc wasn't bad, it just wasn't as good as the story that came before it.

O.K., this one is a specific aid for me in my writing. I had thought that I'd made it clear that Emmy was very much imprisoned in a way, and when she finally did get back to Leah some months later she discovered it was too late- Leah had moved on. Feeling betrayed, she made no further effort to contact Leah, and in fact avoided her as much as she could.

Apparently this is something I need to work on a bit. I've tried, with this story, to leave some things unexplained and only later fill in the missing details. This is one of the biggest examples of this technique. You're left wondering why Emmy blasted off, and what happened to her, and why she hasn't sent word- just as Leah wonders all these things. Leah doesn't get any sort of answer until nine months later, and she's the one narrating, right? If I'm faling to convey this idea, it's on me as a writer. I think that when I've finally finished the story, I'll actually go back and do a rewrite with the helpful criticism you guys have been giving me along the way.

4. Later Emmy shows up and their coming back together again felt forced. Leah forced their relationship back into the old tracks with Emmy being incredibly passive. And it happens almost instantly, without proper buildup and emotional resolution. Leah decided they’re back together so they’re back together and powers through what seemed like Emmy’s depression. The dynamic that existed between them pre Stephanie is pretty much gone.

Their dynamic is certainly different. Emmy had been very hurt by what her parents did to her, and the repercussions it had (losing Leah, the one thing she ever felt was hers and hers alone). Yes, Leah was very forceful, and Emmy was very passive- both of them feeling the damage from the previos nine months. I guess this is where adding a little bit more detail might make the story a bit more solid, explaining the emotional state both characters were experiencing.

5. Then the music stuff came on, which felt pretty random. Emmy as an active story participant is almost gone completely with only a few noticeable flashes of what once was like the stripclub sex scene. The sex scenes are always great, but I also crave the feels.

If it felt pretty random, I must not have dropped enough hints in the first half. This seems like an easy fix. And yes, the feels will come back, but at this stage, Emmy and Leah are experiencing a bit of "bed death" and first, have to recognize it for what it is (and Leah seems to more than Emmy does at this point). Again, the relationship isn't all wine and roses, unfortunately.

6. And now Leah is doing kung-fu and wins fights against multiple grown ass men of what’s supposed to be a physically superior race, investing millions of dollars in real estate and doing the Braveheart speech thing at 18 years of age. It’s a bit hard to believe that a bunch of insular, secluded tribesmen would follow an 18-year-old white chick as a queen. And it's not clear to me how Leah arrived at this point in the story. It's as if I'm missing years of character development where Leah transforms from a regular teenager into a queen. But ok, I can still deal with it.

Although a few readers have mentioned that they got this impression, nowhere have I actually said that Night Children are in any way physically superior (aside from the night vision). Emmy shows some talents, and it's mentioned that her dad killed a tiger, but those are from years of training, not from any innate superhuman ability.

As to the rest, yes, Leah does step up big in a hurry. I'd thought I'd dropped enough hints that she was turning into a leader and making decisions for the Strays, as well as her increasingly aggressive tendencies on the V Ball court. I may need to go back and add a few more details to the fight in the high school bathroom, though... And maybe a little bit more here and there. This seems like something easy to add back in.

7. Long story short, I loved story for the Leah/Emmy dynamic and their romance. All the other stuff was just cherry on top, but now the cake is gone and that cherry is pretty bitter by itself.

I love the analogy. Don't be surprised if those words end up in the story somewhere...

8. The flippant attitude characters have towards killing in this chapter also throws me off. It's as if they're talking about a video game.

The only one flippant is Donny, and he's a teenaged boy full of gamer testosterone and too much exposure to movie violence. Also, he didn't see any of it happen, or see the aftermath. To him it's fairly abstract.

Leah isn't cavalier about events at all, but does a good job of compartmentalizing until later. Emmy has a different cultural attitude- to her, Leah killing the two guys was an achievement, a sign that Emmy had picked a winner in choosing her mate.

9. P.S. If I understood Emmy’s inquiry into the strip club chick correctly as some kind of setup for a reverse harem or a threesome and it’ll actually happen down the road then I’m out for good. But I’m sticking around for now, I still do love the characters.

Let me spare you any concern. There will be no harem in this story. But Emmy's question is... well, a sign of what's on her mind. [No Spoiler]

Adding to this comment thread, cheuk4 said this:

I wouldn't say that it doesn't work, more that it happened so frequently so recently, and during a shift in time perspective as well.

I'm clearly not a writer myself so I don't know how to best explain myself (having written, deleted and re-written this reply multiple times already), but the best analogy I can think of is Star Wars Prequel Episode 2, where Obi-Wan and Anakin were in the elevator telling us the adventures they went on together. For me, that scene was disappointing as it alluded to events I wanted to witness, and not blandly told. A case of "told, not shown".

Back to your case, the ball scene with Emmy and parents was fine, as it was a small event that you gave extra detail to. However for the real estate scene, it didn't work for me as that was, for me, what felt like a major change in personality and character growth that was pulled out of nowhere.

You've been alluding to Leah's physical prowess throughout the story, so her physically winning against the attackers was acceptable to me. But for her financial work, we've never been clued in on that part of her character development. We know she's academically smart, but not business smart.

10. I wouldn't say that it doesn't work, more that it happened so frequently so recently, and during a shift in time perspective as well. (This is referring to point #3 above)

I'm clearly not a writer myself so I don't know how to best explain myself (having written, deleted and re-written this reply multiple times already), but the best analogy I can think of is Star Wars Prequel Episode 2, where Obi-Wan and Anakin were in the elevator telling us the adventures they went on together. For me, that scene was disappointing as it alluded to events I wanted to witness, and not blandly told. A case of "told, not shown".

Sometimes those sorts of things reall only exist as background. We know Anakin and Obi-Wan have a history of adventures- they just casually mentioned it. This lets us fill in the gaps using our imagination, but the deatils aren't important.

11. Back to your case, the ball scene with Emmy and parents was fine, as it was a small event that you gave extra detail to. However for the real estate scene, it didn't work for me as that was, for me, what felt like a major change in personality and character growth that was pulled out of nowhere.

You've been alluding to Leah's physical prowess throughout the story, so her physically winning against the attackers was acceptable to me. But for her financial work, we've never been clued in on that part of her character development. We know she's academically smart, but not business smart.

I actually did write out the chapter in which Leah goes to Las Vegas with Emmy's family, but ultimately decided it didn't actually advance the plot or the characters are to spell it out. In fact, Leah just mentioning it off-handedly to Stephanie and Stephanie reacting the way she did tells us more about both characters than the actual club scene did. Well, at least in my mind ;) it did. The same for Leah's real estate development business. I thought I'd dropped a hint earlier on, but it looks as if I must have cut it out. Easy enough to add back in, but again- the business is background, not important exept when it directly affects the main characters. We'll get more of it as the story progresses.

But clearly if the reader is blind-sided by anything I must have dropped the ball as a writer. I don't want anything to develop out of the blue, as it were. So now I have a road map on what to go back and flesh out a bit.

All right. I've taken some notes, and have an idea on some things in the story that could use some help. Anybody else have any helpful criticism? Remember, this is a work in progress and my first attempt at writing a novel, so I'm bound to blow it badly here and there. The more you beautiful people help me out, the better the final result will be.

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings. I'll have the regular chapter up tomorrow on the usual schedule.