Emmy And Me

“There you are,” said Teddy Bear, distracting our little group from the incipient bitchfest. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Ted, you know this woman?” Liz demanded.

“I should, since she’s my date for the night,” Teddy Bear replied. “Liz, this is Leah. Leah, this is Liz, Greg and Josh. Josh is the show runner for my current series.”

“Pleased to meet you,” I said, nodding my greeting. “Josh? No, I think you must be right about us not meeting before. Somehow I had in mind your name was Ari. Sorry- my mistake.”

“I mean, I could be an Ari,” Josh said with a teasing grin, and I decided that I liked the guy.

“I’ll talk to you two later,” Liz said. “Good seeing you, Ted. I need to get a refill,” she said, holding up her champagne flute to show how empty it was.

It was not empty.

Once Liz was out of earshot Greg said to Teddy Bear, “You should have been here five minutes ago. Your girlfriend took Liz down so hard!”

“I couldn’t believe it,” Josh agreed. “Here Liz was going on about how amazing she was in that moronic cape flick when, um, Leah, right? Leah just lays her out cold with just one sentence. It was glorious.”

“Leah’s single greatest talent is destroying peoples’ egos,” Teddy Bear agreed.

“Leah, you’re married to Emmy De Lascaux, right?” Greg asked.

“Oh, damn! That’s where I’d seen you before,” Josh said, nodding. “The Grammys. What brings you here tonight?”

“Teddy Bear here,” I said, resting my hand on his shoulder. “Emmy is in Argentina on tour, and he asked if I wanted to get out of the house.”

“Fair enough,” Greg said, nodding.

The conversation became much more interesting, now that the ice had been broken. The two guys wanted to know how often I got asked if I was interested in action film roles, and I admitted that it happened every now and then, but I had zero interest.

“You’re in real estate, right?” Josh asked. “Pretty well off, from what I understand. But hey, if you ever want to try a bit of acting, let me know. Even if it’s just to see what it’s like, maybe a bit role sometime. You have such a distinctive look, I’m sure I could find some project to fit you in.”

For maybe the first time, that offer didn’t seem as if the guy was just trying to get in my pants. After all, Josh knew I wasn’t some wannabe starlet hoping to get my big break or anything. His offer had been more of the ‘hey, you’ve got an interesting look and maybe, just for fun, you could see how the industry works.’

“Thanks,” I said, appreciating the offer. “But I have no particular desire to appear onscreen. I’ll happily leave the fame to my wife.”

“Talk about a breath of fresh air! Tell me this is why you brought her here tonight, Ted,” Josh said.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Teddy Bear admitted. “These parties are always such industry circle jerks- I figured that Leah here would make an interesting change.”

“I applaud your commitment to chaos,” Josh said, golf clapping. “It truly is a joy to see a little bit of shit stirring.”

“Are you not entertained? Is this not why we are here?” Teddy Bear emoted, raising his arms wide.

“Actors gonna act,” Greg said, smiling wryly.

Leaving after a couple more hours, I asked Teddy Bear if he got the effect he wanted by my being there.

“I will,” he said. Then, explaining, he said, “It wasn’t just about tonight- it was about the gossip that’s gonna fly around the next few days, until everyone gets bored and moves on.”

“Well, I’m glad I could do my little part in your efforts to disrupt the Hollywood status quo,” I told him.

“I appreciate it,” he said. “Hey, wanna get out and hit some clubs or something? It’s still pretty early. I could probably get us in at Diamond.”

“The Diamond Hearts Club?” I asked, just to clarify.

“Yeah, I’m kind of a regular there. Even if it’s crowded, they usually let me in, even if I don’t have a date,” Teddy Bear explained. “It’s one of the perks of B List celebrity.”

“Sure, why not? It’s been a bit since I’ve stopped in,” I said.

Making a turn onto Holloway instead of continuing on Sunset, Teddy Bear steered us towards South Hollywood and the converted grand theater.

When Teddy Bear pulled his Corvette up in front of the club, the valets leapt to open our doors.

“The line isn’t too bad,” Teddy Bear said, looking at the people dressed to impress waiting to get in. “We shouldn’t have to wait long.”

“We don’t have to wait,” I told him, giving him a ‘come on and follow me’ gesture as I walked toward the front instead of the back of the line.

Puzzled, he followed my lead as I walked right up to the door. The doorman gave me a nod and swung the door open for the two of us, to a little bit of protest from some of the people in line.

The hostess took one look at me and turned to give instructions into a little microphone on her lapel. Turning back to me, she said, “I’m sorry- we didn’t know you were coming tonight. If we’d known, we would have had your table ready.” Almost immediately one of the sharp-dressed waiters arrived and whispered in her ear. “Your table is ready,” she said.

Following the waiter, not into the main floor but off to a set of roped-off stairs on the right, Teddy Bear asked what the heck was going on.

“How did we get in like that? And getting seated immediately? Is this because of Emmy?”

“No, because I own the place,” I said. “It’s my nightclub.”

Teddy Bear turned to look at me for a long moment. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. Although, in some ways, it’s Sandy’s club more than mine. He came up with the concept and the vision- I just green-lighted it.”

“Sandy?”

“The head of my hospitality development division. He’s a good guy- you’d probably like him. He comes in here a lot- maybe he’ll drop by our table.”

We took our seats at the table in the balcony box, overlooking the floor and stage.

“I’ve never been up here,” Teddy Bear said, looking down at the floor below. “This is really cool. How come you never told me you own this place?”

“It never came up,” I said.

“I had no idea you had a what? Hospitality division? All I knew about was your real estate stuff,” Teddy Bear said, turning back to face me.

“My company has a bunch of divisions. Hospitality is one of them, property management is another, venture capital, entertainment… A lot of pies.”

“No wonder you can spend money like it doesn’t matter,” Teddy Bear said with a slow shake of his head.

Just then the waiter arrived to take our drink orders, and once he’d left, a woman with too much makeup and too little clothes came to say hello.

“Leah,” she said. “I don’t think you’ve seen the new show, have you? We’ve only been doing it the last few weeks.”

“The champagne glass?” I asked.

“No- that was two shows ago. Last show was the fire spectacular. Just wait till you see what we have going now. You’ll love it- or your money back,” she said with a saucy wink. As she left our little balcony she gave an exaggerated sway to her hips, showing off her fishnet- covered butt.

“You need to get me her phone number,” Teddy Bear said.

“Monica is a happily married mother of three,” I told him. “You wouldn’t get anywhere.”

“A man can dream,” he sighed.

Looking down at the floor again, he said, “Hey, look. There’s Jace again. I’d recognize that bald head of his anywhere. But who’s that he’s with?”

I leaned over the railing to look down where Teddy Bear was indicating, and sure enough there was the guy I’d talked to earlier at the party with some pretty brunette, being led to a table near the stage, following the well-known rule of seating celebrities where everyone else can see them.

“You want to invite them up here?” I asked.

“Is it cool if we play it like I’m the connected one here?” he asked, his eyes gleaming with mischief.

“Sure, why not?” I replied. I signaled to our waiter and told him to carry the message. Moments later we watched as he approached the actor’s table and spoke with their waitress. He pointed up at the balcony and when she nodded, she turned and spoke with the stubbly action film star.

He looked up at us and Teddy Bear gave him a wave and a ‘come on up” signal. Jace’s shoulders slumped, but he knew when he was beat, so he stood up and took his date’s hand and they followed our waiter off the main floor.

“This is gonna be great,” Teddy Bear said with glee.

“Hey, guys,” Jace said when he got to our table.

“Hey, Jace,” Teddy Bear said. “We saw you come in. Figured we’d see if you wanted to join us.”

“Yeah, that would be great,” Jace said, but you could tell that he wasn’t convinced it would be. Still, he knew how the game was played, so he had to go along.

“Casey, this is Ted Behr, and, um, Leah, right?” Jace said by way of introduction. “Ted, Leah, this is Casey Garner.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Teddy Bear said, taking her hand in one of those ‘gentleman taking a lady’s hand’ sort of almost-shakes.

“Pleased to meet you,” I said as well. Casey was typical SoCal hot, but otherwise not all that memorable.

“I’ve never sat up here,” Jace remarked, looking out over the main floor. “I didn’t even know there were seats up here.”

“You’ve got to know the owner to get these seats,” Teddy Bear said, doing his best humble brag.

“And you do? Know the owner?” Jace asked Teddy Bear.

“I do. We’re old pals.”

“You should introduce us sometime,” Jace said.

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Teddy Bear told him. Signaling the waiter, Teddy Bear told Jace that he was treating, since he’d invited them up.

Jace accepted his demotion to also-ran with dignity, and honestly, that raised him up a bit in my estimation. He knew he’d been outplayed, but at least Teddy Bear had his own date so he didn’t have to worry about Casey dumping him for greener pastures. He was still probably going to get laid, after all, even if he wasn’t going to be the showiest peacock.

“How did you guys meet?” I asked Casey while Jace and Teddy Bear were talking about some director.

She told me some story about how she was in his most recent film, a small part, really, but they got to talking and they’ve gone out a few times since then, and Jace is so sexy with that accent of his, and on and on. She was an airhead and had nothing worthwhile to say, but I kept her talking anyway while Teddy Bear and Jace measured their dicks.

This was Teddy Bear’s play, after all, and I’d agreed to support him in it.

“So, are you an actress?” Casey finally asked.

“Me? No,” I said. “I have no desire to be anywhere near any cameras.”

“Probably the only one in this town,” Casey said with a little laugh.

“Maybe so,” I agreed, taking off my blazer and draping it on the back of my seat.

“Oh, wow!” Casey said, eying my shoulders. “You must work out!”

“Yeah, I do work out some,” I admitted.

“More than just some,” she said admiringly. “Are you, like, a celebrity trainer or something? I hear some of those can make a lot of money.”

“No, I’m a businesswoman,” I said. “I mostly do real estate investment.”

“Looking like that?” she asked, disbelieving. “I mean, doing celebrity training, you could do really well!”

“I do really well with what I’m doing now,” I said, wondering how limited her worldview actually was.

“If you say so,” she said, looking skeptical.

It was about then that the club’s emcee announced the evening’s spectacular, starring the lovely Miss M and the club's revue. True to the theme, it was a classic showgirl song and dance number. Monica sang a torch-style song, wearing a sexy little outfit that blended a small top hat that was somehow perched on her head at a jaunty angle and a jacket that gave the impression of being from a tuxedo, but no tuxedo jacket was ever cut that high above the hips. Under that her vivid red vest pushed her cleavage into amazing prominence. Below the waist her outfit tapered into a very small thong that barely covered her privates, exposing a lot of bare butt, thigh and long leg through the fishnet covering them.

She was supported by a half dozen male dancers as she sang. And by supported, I mean they literally lifted and carried her as they danced.

“Monica is one hot number,” Teddy Bear said to Jace. “Her husband is a lucky man. It’s hard to believe she’s got three kids, isn’t it?”

“You know her?” Jace asked, doubtful.

“You just missed her by maybe ten minutes when she came up here to say hello before her show,” Teddy Bear told him.

Shaking his head, Jace leaned back in his seat to watch as a group of female dancers joined Monica and the guys on stage.

Later, Monica came back up to ask how we liked the show. Luckily for Teddy Bear’s story, she didn’t directly address her question to me by name, but to the table in general.

“It was amazing!” Casey gushed. “I don’t even know how you can dance like that and sing at the same time! I used to dance when I was young, and there is no way I could do anything but huff and puff!”

“I do a lot of cardio,” Monica said with a smile. “Not just for the fitness for dancing, but also for my voice.”

After she left Jace finally had enough, saying that it was getting late. “I have a development meeting tomorrow morning.”

“It was cool hanging with you two,” Teddy Bear said. “We should do it again.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jace said.

“So… I was perfectly happy to play along, but what was the point of all that?” I asked once the two were gone.

“Hollywood egos need to take a beating every now and then,” Teddy Bear said with a smirk. “Jace, tonight? He’s going home and thinking one, I’m an asshole, and two, maybe he’s not such hot shit himself. That little bit of self-doubt is important to nurture. Without it, we, as actors, tend to become completely insufferable. You do such a great job of kicking my ego to the curb, I figured…”

“All that was just to do him a favor?”

“Well, no,” Teddy Bear admitted. “Mostly it was because it was fun to see him squirm like that. But yeah, it’s good for him, so that’s an added benefit.”

After taking a sip of his Manhattan, he asked, “What did you think of his date?”

“Pretty enough, but not a whole lot upstairs,” I told him, kinda hating how sexist it sounded.

“Yeah, I can’t see her ever moving up from the waitress category,” Teddy Bear said, sympathetic to the girl’s plight.

“Waitress?” I asked.

“There are three categories of actors in Hollywood,” he explained. “Stars- and this is the category I fall in. I’m not huge, but I’m in there. Then, working actors. These are the guys that always have work, but it’s mostly supporting roles or bit parts, but still enough that they get by on their acting money and don’t have any other jobs. This category is the backbone of the industry, to be honest. Then, there are the waiters. People who say they are actors, and yeah, they get parts every now and then, but they have to support themselves with day jobs.”

“That’s amazingly dismissive,” I tell him with a chuckle.

“Making the jump from waiter to working actor is a matter of talent and commitment to the craft. If you don’t have both, you won’t ever get enough work to buy that house in Studio City,” he said.

“And how do you get to the star category?” I asked.

“Mostly luck. If you have the talent and drive to be a working actor, you have the talent and drive to be a star. Breaking out is, like I said, luck, and having something the next guy doesn’t. But mostly luck,” he said.

“You’re not selling yourself very well,” I told him.

“Here’s the thing nobody tells you going in. In Hollywood, it’s not about what you know, even though that does matter. It’s not even about who you know- that barely matters at all. No, in Hollywood, what matters is who knows you. If casting directors know you, you get good, steady gigs as a working actor. And don’t get me wrong- some working actors have a ton of credits and make a whole lot of money. It’s a good life. But if producers know you? That’s star time.”

“And producers know you?” I asked.

“They do. I’m at the level where scripts get shopped to me- I don’t have to audition anymore. Now, going back to the really successful working actors I mentioned, plenty of them actually make more money than I do. But I don’t have to scramble for my money. All I have to do is bust my ass and work as hard as I can to keep the directors and producers happy, and be interesting enough to keep the audience buying tickets or tuning in to my show. So yeah, it’s a different stress.”

“I guess I get that,” I admitted.

“Besides the fact that you being there was like watching a giant machine that somebody just threw their wooden shoe into, disrupting all the gears- which was awesome and I loved every minute of it- that was a lot of what bringing you to the party was about. Keeping me in the mind of the people that matter for my career. Whether you realized it or not, everyone was watching you at the party. A few knew who you are, but most didn’t and they just couldn’t make you fit into their myopic Hollywood mindsets. That’s memorable- much more than if I’d shown up with, say, Jennifer or Scarlett or somebody like that.”

“Well, I’m glad I could help your professional advancement,” I said grandly.

“So, enough about me, and enough about Hollywood. Anything interesting happen in your life recently?” Teddy Bear asked, leaning back. “How was your trip on tour in Asia and Australia? You know Saturday mornings just aren’t the same without you.”

“A few interesting things happened,” I told him, taking a sip of my French 75. “In Seoul a K Pop star told me she wanted to fuck me. And I got to work on my knife fighting skills with a special forces instructor in Singapore. That was cool. Oh, and I also met a bunch of ninjas in Japan.”

“Somehow I can see all of those things happening,” Teddy Bear replied. “That, and the herd of rampaging kangaroos you had to fight off in Australia.”

“No, no kangaroos,” I said dismissively. “Besides, it’s not them you have to worry about. It’s the drop bears.”