Emmy And Me

I didn’t go to the gym the next morning- well, not Clancy’s fight gym, anyhow. I did go downstairs to our home gym for a workout. I kept it reasonably short, since I wanted to be there when Emmy woke up.

I did my best to ignore the truth that the home gym had been more Angela’s place than mine since we’d moved in, but it wasn’t easy. I kept picturing her doing that hip thrust barbell lift, or the rows she liked to do on the bench. It occurred to me that I would probably always think of her now and again, so I should do what her father had suggested and celebrate those memories rather than let them be a source of melancholy.

Of course that was much easier to say than to do.

Emmy was still asleep when I returned to our room, so I just ditched my clothes and toweled off before sliding in for a post-workout nap. When Emmy did wake about an hour later I was there for her, holding her close.

“No work this morning?” she asked, her voice drowsy.

“I’m staying home today. I wanted to spend the day with you,” I told her, kissing the back of her neck.

“Thank you,” Emmy said in a quiet voice, wiggling herself farther into my big spoon. “It is very nice to wake in your arms.”

“I realized yesterday that I’ve been… Well, I haven’t been here for you the last couple of days. I’m sorry for that.”

“You had things that you needed to do,” Emmy said.

“No, I really didn’t. At least, not as much as I needed to be here for you. Em, you’re the most important thing in my life- I want you to know that.”

“Thank you,” Emmy said, almost too quietly to hear.

We stayed like that, just snuggling silently in bed, for quite a while. I’m not going to pretend that it was only for Emmy’s benefit- I found myself relaxing, softening a bit somehow, if that makes sense. I wasn’t there just because Emmy needed me. No, as it turned out, I needed her as well.

I made us an early lunch (or very late breakfast) once we actually got out of bed. Neither of us really dressed to face the day, since it was clear that simply spending time with each other was the only agenda for the day. After breakfast we flopped down on the couch, with me on the bottom and Emmy draped across me. Of course I missed Angela’s additional weight, but that was no longer in the cards.

“Celebrate what you had,” I told myself silently, but it didn’t do much good.

“Your car friends sometimes drive on Wednesday afternoon, do they not?” Emmy asked drowsily after maybe an hour of the two of us lying there.

“Yeah, sometimes, when they can make their schedules work,” I confirmed.

“Are they driving today?”

“I have no idea,” I replied. “I haven’t checked my phone in hours.”

“I think you should go, if they are,” Emmy said lifting her upper body off me to look at my face. “I think that you need that time, as much as I needed this.”

“I don’t want to leave you-” I started to say, but she put a gentle finger on my lips to shush me.

“I will be fine,” Emmy said. “I feel much better today, and I have you to thank for that. Yesterday, I… I felt the world crashing down on me yesterday. I was overwhelmed with sorrow, of course, but even more than that, with guilt. Guilt for bringing Angela into our world, guilt for asking her to be with me on the tour, thereby putting her at risk, and guilt for allowing fans too close. If I had not-”

This time it was my turn to shush her. “Em, you did all those things out of love. There was no malice on your part, ever. Yes, we should have been better about security, but those guys had a plan, and they put it into action. If not there at the ballpark it would have been our hotel lobby exiting the elevators, or something like that. But Em, Angela wanted to be a part of your world. She loved touring with you, even when she started to get uncomfortably big. Angela wanted to be a member of our household, just as much as we wanted her to be.”

Taking my finger off her lips, I lifted myself up and gave Emmy a kiss, soft and tender. “I wish we had done things differently there in Atlanta. Of course I do. But I can’t regret the choices we made in our lives that got us there- at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.” After a moment, I added, “You know that Angela’s family doesn’t hold anything against us, right? Rafael and Mamá know we wanted the very best for their daughter. They know we gave her everything we could, including all the love anybody could ever give. They know we planned for her to be with us forever.”

“I understand that,” Emmy said. “And I believe that at least part of that understanding is their background in Colombia, a country that has seen more than its share of killing over the years. They have lost friends and relatives by violence before.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” I agreed. “But that’s beside the point. They blame our enemies. Which is what we should be doing, too. Em, we didn’t kill Angela. We didn’t. We gave her all the love in the world. That is the opposite.”

“You are correct- I know this. But emotions are not logical,” Emmy said. “My head knows that we gave everything we could in our love for Angela, but my heart… I feel that if she had not come to us for help when Antonio was arrested she would still be alive.”

“We can’t know that, Em,” I said. “Hypotheticals get nobody anywhere. Angela did come to us for help, and we all fell in love. That happened. And I’m glad it did. I’m never going to regret bringing Angela into our lives.”

Emmy sighed and laid her head on my chest. It took me a moment to realize that she was crying again, but the dampness I was feeling from her tears was undeniable. All I could do was gently kiss the top of her head, hold her in my arms, and let her emotions work themselves out.

I did wind up driving that afternoon, even though it was only Stein and I. I almost backed out of the whole thing when I made my way down to the garage and saw the row of cars. The Safari? Oh, Hell no. It was going to be a long time before I would be able to get behind the wheel of that thing. The Spyder? Images of a smiling Angela in the passenger seat, her hair blowing in the wind from the open roof… Yeah, no. Ultimately the only real choice was the Aston, so that’s the car that Stein found me leaning against when he pulled into the gas station at the bottom of ACH.

After a brief greeting and a trip to the mini mart to get himself some coffee, he came back out to talk.

“How are you and Emmy doing?” Stein asked.

“About as well as can be expected,” I said. “Which is not great.”

“I can’t even imagine,” he said, shaking his head. “I never did like Atlanta much.”

“It certainly isn’t my favorite town,” I agreed, sipping my own coffee.

“No, I’d bet not,” he agreed. Then after a lengthy silence, he gestured at my hair. “So what’s up with that?”

“It got really old in a hurry, having everyone and their brother recognize me from the videos,” I said, fingering my short brown hair.

“Yeah, that makes sense. But the tabloids are going to figure it out pretty damned quick.”

“Any time I go to work, or go out with Emmy anywhere, I wear a blonde wig that looks just like my hair used to. That way the public perception is the same.”

“Very tricky,” Stein said, admiringly. Changing the subject, he indicated the cars and asked, “What are you up for this afternoon?”

“Speed. A lot of it,” I replied.

Chuckling, Stein said, “Well, I think we can manage that.”

We did manage it, too. There wasn’t much traffic at all on the roads that afternoon, so Stein and I really let it rip. ‘Straight to jail’ type of speed, and yes, Emmy was right. It was just what I needed. For a few hours I managed to avoid thinking about Angela, Night Children, any of it. The road, the car, and the speed completely occupied my mind for those few precious hours.

Stopping for gas in La Cañada Flintridge at dusk, I thanked Stein for hitting it so hard.

“You and I both know that we could never hit speeds like that with the rest of the guys,” Stein said, “But when it’s just you and me… That isn’t to say that I resent the others slowing us down- I do enjoy driving with Stephen, Geoff, TB, and yes, even Jimmy, but sometimes it’s good to really let it fly.”

“We should schedule some more track days,” I said.

“Mos def,” Stein agreed. “I think I dig Chuck the best, but I’ll take any, especially if it’s another one of your private days.”

“Yeah… We go back on tour to Phoenix, then Seattle, San Francisco. After that we’re back here for the final show. That’s like two and a half weeks before we’re back in LA.”

“I’ve got tickets for the Coliseum show. Do you know how much money good seats cost me?”

“Sell ‘em. I’ll get you some VIP seats,” I told him.

“Front row kind of thing?” he asked, pleased.

“Nah, the show is actually kind of shitty in the front row. The real VIP seats are always about a third of the way back, near the sound guys’ setup. That’s where the sound is best and you get the best view,” I explained.

“Backstage passes?” he asked, hopeful.

“If you want, but you’ve met everybody in the band already anyhow, and most of what actually goes on backstage is really boring. I mean, The Downfall aren’t Guns N Roses or some kind of hard partying band like that,” I said a bit dismissively.

“I’m sure you’re right,” Stein admitted, “But my date hasn’t.”

“Sure, that makes sense. I’ll make sure you get two backstage passes to go with the VIP seating. Should I put the other guys on the list, too?” I asked.

“Well, Stephen already has his, anyway, so probably should. Two for Jimmy and Kimmy, and maybe four for Geoff and his family? Two for TB for sure. Post in the chat to see who’s interested.”

I pulled my phone out and did just that before I could forget.

“Done,” I said.

“You know Jimmy’s gonna tell everyone he knows he just scored VIP tickets, thanks to him knowing Emmy,” Stein said.

“Of that I have no doubt,” I agreed.

Emmy and I actually went out that night. She said she wanted to go for Japanese food, so we went to that Japanese castle place in Hollywood. Although Emmy didn’t say so, I’m sure that being seen together in public was a motivating factor. We definitely did draw a certain amount of attention and I had no doubt that we would be mentioned on TMZ and the like, but as I said, that’s probably the point.

Emmy was a bit sombre, but not too bad. About as best as could be hoped for. Knowing Emmy, it was probably as much a facade as her true feelings- she was undoubtedly putting on a show for the onlookers. They’d tell the tabloids that she looked sad, but seemed to be recovering physically- which I’m sure was exactly what she wanted.

In the tub that night Emmy was a bit more receptive to my touch. Not a lot, and we were were still far from sexy fun soapy times, but at least it was better than it had been. I even got a little smile when we played peek-a-boo while I toweled her off afterwards. These were small things, but they meant a lot to me. I had no idea how long it would take for us to get back to how things had been, so any movement at all in that direction was very welcome, indeed.