Elegy for a Star

Upon the platform, the reagents had rearranged themselves into a series of dots. What would they have formed otherwise? How could they tell she was giftless? It must have had something to do with the constellation, so why was Tess’ looking like a random smattering of stars? That is all that Tess had; like paint splashed upon a canvas.

Tess didn’t know what to say. Her heart sank, her stomach felt like it was turning, and the color drained from her face. She felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and looked back and up to see Gwendolyn’s sympathetic expression. She took the knight’s hand and assistance in rising to her feet. Mairaela and Joyona had the grace to not stare at her too much. The situation was as awkward as it could already be. They’d stepped into the room with so much excitement, as a group of four, venturing into the Void together, whatever that meant.

Now Tess knew she wouldn’t be a part of it.

After saying their goodbyes to Ulrich, the group stepped out and into the halls of the College. “Sorry, Tess,” Gwendolyn said softly, squeezing her shoulder, “Let me bring you back. We can get you registered for classes.”

Tess shook her head, “This can’t be right. I saw something in that ritual. I-.. I was brought here in a ritual. What-.. What about Miri? There’s no way that I’m just plain and useless, right?”

Mairaela and Joyona shared a glance, but perhaps decided that this was not the best time to inquire about these strange circumstances. Tess was thankful for that. Everything happening was already weighing on her to a breaking point.

Gwen grimaced, and though the words caught the attention of their companions, they didn’t dare interrupt Tess’ distraught ramblings. “Tess,” Gwendolyn’s voice was gentle, “It’s okay. Let’s just head back.”

“No, I’m-.. I need a second,” Tess said, running a hand through her hair, “Go on without me, I’ll find my way back.”

Gwendolyn motioned with her head to Mairaela and Joyona. Mairaela inclined her head and even the normally taciturn Joyona said, “See you soon, Tess.” The pair departed back toward the barracks. The knight, however, took hold of Tess’ tricep 

“Come with me, okay?” Gwen urged her. Tess relented and went along with Gwendolyn wherever she was about to take her. They ended up finding a little nook in the library with cushioned seats where they could speak in relative privacy. Tess could only look at all of the paintings of great heroes and mythic warriors, knowing that she would never achieve those heights. She reminded herself to not be so dramatic, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that this was unfair; that this was wrong.

The pair took a seat and Gwendolyn let out a little sigh. She was rubbing at her shoulder with one hand. For once, she appeared vulnerable. “I know this isn’t easy,” the Dame started.

Tess interrupted, “I’m still going into the Void exercise with you.”

Gwendolyn looked shocked and shook her head, “Hells no, Tess. Do you know how dangerous that would be?”

“I can still use Miri,” Tess insisted, “She helped us when the wolves attacked.”

“You can-..” Gwendolyn started, paused, and started again, “Use her how?”

Tess squeezed her hands together, “She can still affect things in the world, even unseen.” Tess went quiet when Gwendolyn didn’t respond, and then decided to lay out more evidence, “She saved you when that wolf was on top of you. She’s strong and powerful and comes with me wherever I go, even if she’s a dem-..”

“Stop it.” Gwendolyn hissed, “Don’t say another word.” She looked around them but must have found no one in sight, “Do you know what would happen to you if that got out? You need to keep your mouth shut about her. You could be killed, or much worse.”

Tess’ eyes widened and she did a scan of the surroundings too. No one. “How do you know?” She asked.

“Because..” Gwendolyn’s voice fell off for a moment, then stopped. She wouldn’t make eye contact with Tess.

Tess reached out to Gwen, but decided to not touch her in the end. Instead, she whispered, “I won’t press.”

“I’ve dealt with something like it before,” Gwendolyn nodded her head in thanks, “I’ll tell you someday.”

“Of course,” Tess said in reply, “Can I ask something else?” Gwendolyn nodded and Tess continued, “If this is such a bad thing, why haven’t you told the Corps? Why are you defending me? Why didn’t you kill me that night you found out?”

Gwendolyn frowned and stared down at her boots. Tess waited. This wasn’t something she was willing to pass off down the line. She wanted an answer. Without one, could she even trust Gwendolyn anymore?

“Because you’re innocent,” Gwendolyn spoke softly, “I am certain.” She pushed a hand through her silver hair, letting out a soft sigh, “This isn’t your fault, it’s some-... it’s an unfortunate circumstance that has put you in a precarious situation.”

Tess opened her mouth to speak, but she noticed Gwendolyn shaking slightly. The knight reached up to wipe her eyes before looking at Tess. A few tears started running down her cheeks. She spoke loudly, unable to compose enough to whisper, “And I caused it. I did this to you.”

Eyes wide, Tess looked confused and asked, “What do you mean?” Perhaps it was some form of empathy, but Tess felt tears welling up inside of her.

“I did this to you. I ruined that bitch’s ritual. I did it out of spite even though I knew it could be dangerous,” Gwendolyn confessed, keeping Tess’ gaze, “I did it to stop whatever she was doing. I had good intentions. I never thought it would affect someone like this. But it did. It’s changed you in a way that may be irreparable, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Tess replied instinctively, like clockwork.

“It is far from okay, Tess,” Gwendolyn snapped, “The Corps isn’t interested in dealing with someone in your condition, and if—and this is a big if—they let you go unharmed, the people that would be interested are going to do unthinkable things to you. They’ll open you up to scrape out what they can of your-... Of her.” She was referring to her body-mate, Miri, Tess knew.

Tess was silent. She was beginning to see Gwen’s point.

“I put you in this position,” Gwendolyn’s voice shook, her eyes were damp, “I put you in a helpless position that, if known, would isolate you from the world. You won’t get anyone else’s help. So you’ll have mine.”

“But the Void,” Tess began.

Gwendolyn wasted no time, “You cannot go, even if her help would make you useful. The Void exercise is monitored. If they saw you, you would reemerge to a knife sliding across your neck.”

The thought gave Tess a shiver, deflating her last hope to join what felt like a group. A place where she could belong, in a world where she had lost that in some previous life. For a brief moment, she wondered if she had living parents and if they were looking for her. She pushed the thought away as quickly as it appeared, knowing that she couldn’t handle dwelling on that right now.

“So what can I do?” Tess replied, a dimness in her words.

Gwen took Tess’ hand and insisted, “You sign up for the college. We keep our mouths shut about this. You attend classes. One day, when you’re an associate of the college, you may be assigned to us on an expedition.”

This didn’t feel like the thrilling heroism that Tess had in mind, but according to Gwen there was no other choice. Tess found it hard to argue her points.

“Why is a gift even so important? Why can’t I learn to sword fight?”

“Because when you go into the Black Sun, nothing is the same, and just being able to use a sword means nothing,” Gwendolyn explained.

Tess was confused, “What do you mean? How could it not be useful?”

“I suppose it’s more useful than nothing, but it wouldn’t go a long way, Tess,” Gwendolyn stated, her eyes clearing, “Bodies don’t go into the Black Sun. Souls do.”

Unsure of what to say, Tess remained quiet. How would you respond to something like that?

“Most souls are incredibly powerful,” Gwendolyn continued, “They aren’t bound by material laws. Hells, they aren’t bound by much of anything. But that’s because of gifts. A gift makes them able to do the impossible. A gift makes them exemplary.”

“So you’re…” Tess started, speaking uncertainly.

“My soul will have inconceivable abilities with a sword,” Gwendolyn explained.

“Will have?” Tess asked.

“Well, I haven’t done it before, Tess,” Gwendolyn whispered.

“Then how do you know how to do it?”

“I’ve been told it’s natural. Instinctual.”

Tess furrowed her brow, “So you’ll just go in there and be the perfect swordfighter?”

“Nothing is perfect, and as powerful as a gift is, it can still be made better, understood more. There are ways that souls become more or less powerful,” Gwen replied.

“But I don’t have one,” Tess replied sourly.

“No, Tess, and it’s okay to be upset about that,” Gwendolyn replied, “But you don’t.”