NOVEL FROG Chapter 52: The Missing Mess
Sapphire and I sat down to compare notes. The impending fashion show was all but forgotten as we sat on the floor exchanging forbidden knowledge. I shared my father’s theories. She told me about the Cataclysmic Equations, the missing mess, and the last harvest.
Right before the cataclysm a katzen astrophysicist named F.D. Willard noticed something interesting. The working theory about how our universe formed involved the conversion of pure energy into matter. This followed in parallel to the dominant religious teachings and was generally accepted as true.
Energy condensing down became matter, which exploded, creating the sun and the moon as well as the planet we called Homeworld. What Willard realized was simple and irrefutable. It was all too neat and perfect to be real.
Real life was messy. If our sun exploding created the solar system, then where were the chunks and debris that didn't get to become planets? Where were the comets and asteroid belts? Where were the leftovers, the proverbial ring of scum around the kitchen sink of creation?
Had a deity come along with an ice cream scoop to dig out two perfect portions then place them in the only habitable zone where life could exist? According to the humans their universe was exactly the same, so what were the chances of it happening twice?
Willard concluded there was no way for a solar system to form naturally without producing debris. The math didn't check out and it defied common sense. So if the arrival of humans proved other universes existed, and it was possible to move between them, then it was much more likely this dimension was not their solar system’s true point of origin.
With this in mind he devised what would come to be known as the Cataclysmic Equations. Normally such wild theories would be ignored or ridiculed. The difference was Willard's theories made sense even to those who didn't know the difference between calculus and cunnilingus.
It was easy to understand that their universe was too simple and perfect to be natural. Anyone who ever cooked a meal could understand the concept of a missing mess. Willard's ideas began to gain popularity among the elite of Katzenlund.
A few weeks later nobody cared because they had bigger problems. All across the empire from the southern jungles to the northern tundra crops were failing.
Seeds refused to sprout and trees did not flower. Katzenlund was beginning to die and nobody knew how or why it was happening. Then things got worse. A creeping blight destroyed their few remaining crops.
Other countries acted swiftly to create a blockade and contain the mysterious blight before it could spread. With no food for their livestock and a blockade preventing supplies coming in, the carnivorous katzen became desperate.
The katzen reasoned that with their superior scientific knowledge it should be possible to figure out what was happening and reverse it. In order to buy time they began a project called “Operación Esperanza” or Operation Hope. History books would refer to it differently though.
The blockade was making it nearly impossible to fish but tilapia and other species were easy enough to farm. There just wasn't much to feed them.
Through a process called enzymatic hydrolysis it is possible to convert cellulose into glucose. Termites do it all the time and so do some fungi. This glucose could be used as livestock and fish feed to help stretch their rapidly dwindling reserves.
The katzen began to harvest all available plant matter, living or dead, to be processed and converted into feed. Working their way from the tundra downward, the katzen uprooted every tree and plant they could find, herding the remaining wildlife south as they went. Wood and plant matter went south, food was shipped north.
This continued until both continents were stripped bare. Eventually the last harvest was completed. But still no cure or explanation had been found. The katzen had run out of time.
Some said it was tainted fertilizer. Others blamed a fungus. Many believed it to be the wrath of God. But nobody knew how to stop it. All of Katzenlund had become a barren wasteland where nothing grew. And people were getting hungry.
By now it was apparent that whatever was going on was isolated to Katzenlund. It had not spread to the other continents. Those with money bribed their way across the oceans. Those without made other arrangements.
A failed rebellion resulted in the exiling of the Eternal Empress’ daughters, leaving the succession in question. And that was how within a span of two years Katzenlund went from a global superpower to a barren wasteland.
“That's why we call them the Cataclysmic Equations. My family believes that if we never discovered the truth then the cataclysm wouldn't have happened.” Sapphire explained.
“What happened to Willard?” I asked.
“The Eternal Empress destroyed all copies of his research and flooded the old net with false data to make him look like a crackpot. Nobody really knows what happened to him. Some say he escaped Katzenlund before the blockade went up. I think it's much more likely that he was secretly killed and ground up to make food for the tilapia farms.”
“Yeesh.” I looked at Sapphire. She had the distinct white fur and blue eyes of the royal family but I was having trouble seeing how she fit into the picture. Her last name was Snugglewump so she probably wasn't a bastard. “So, what's your connection to the royal family?”
“Ah… yeah.” Sapphire scratched behind her ear awkwardly. “Masha is my great-aunt.”
“That's a funny way of saying that Prince Bellsong is your grandfather.” I pointed out.
“No, Benjamin was my great-uncle. Princess Victoria is my grandmother.” She corrected me.
Suddenly I realized something very important that had eluded me until now. I knew Victoria, but I knew her as Victoria Tamblin, not Snugglewump. She had the same white fur as Sapphire but her eyes were yellow so I hadn't made the connection. Victoria was married to the Prime Minister and if her sister Masha was on the throne in Katzenlund then Simon's plan was even more complex and well planned out than I thought.
I knew that Victoria and Prime Minister Tamblin met at a fundraiser when he was campaigning. A fundraiser that Simon paid for. Now was that a coincidence or did Simon nudge them together? I found myself wondering how much Prime Minister Tamblin knew about his wife’s history and family connections.
There was one thing I didn't understand. I had learned that Gershwin’s curse was passed down from mother to daughter. Males were carriers but didn’t show symptoms or have the distinctive yellow eyes that came along with a Gershwin infection.
“Why are your eyes blue?” I asked.
“We don't talk about that.” Sapphire replied, standing up and brushing herself off. “Ok, it's late and I still have to pack. I've chartered a plane so meet me at Amanda's shop tomorrow at ten and we'll drive to the airport from there.”
“Oh, alright.” I assumed we would take one of Simon's jets but I didn't want to offend Sapphire or make her think she wasted money so I went along with it. “Thank you. Let me know what the total came to and I will reimburse you for my part.”
“Don't worry about it.” Sapphire said tersely. “I'll see you tomorrow at ten.”
I could tell she was annoyed with me but I didn't understand why. All I did was offer to pay my own way. Was that bad? Was I wrong for offering?
“Of course, thank you.” I said, wanting to ask why she was so mad but knowing it was pointless.
I watched Sapphire leave and heard the chime of the elevator. Was she going to get mad and write me off like all the rest had? Why was it so hard to hold onto friends? Was I that much of a piece of shit that nobody could stand me? Should I cancel the trip?
With my mind spinning I went back to bed and hid under the covers. Why did people have to be so complicated? Why couldn't they say what they meant or tell me when something bothered them? Was it really that hard?
What had I done wrong?