NOVEL FROG Chapter 33: Hopes and Regrets
“I tried to make as much as I could out of the brief time we have had. But it was not enough.” I said sadly, thinking of all the things that I would never live to see.
“Ani wanted to teach you to shoot and I thought you might be good at brewing beer or leading worship in our church. But I can't imagine Simon or Nemeria are particularly religious. I hope you say a prayer for me from time to time, but I understand if you don't.”
I paused, thinking about the strange paradox of my beliefs as I drank the last of my beer and set the bottle down. I believed in God, knew that he existed, felt it in my bones so to speak.
I wasn't even sure that this world I was experiencing was real. It could just as easily be a simulation. But somehow I knew that there was a God and I held onto the hope that when I took my last breath my spirit would be reunited with the woman I loved so much.
But of course, a fear lingered in my mind that after all I had done perhaps my soul was not bound for heaven. Ani hadn't really believed in my religion either, choosing to follow the pagan ways of her Winterland ancestors. So perhaps no matter what we would be kept apart. Did I even have a soul? Or was this it for me?
Did a copy, of a copy, of a long dead pup have a soul of their own? The original Kerner had died young and been put into a new synthetic body by Gershwin. Then that body died in a parachuting accident. The body I wore now was of a Jagdkommando who had been overwritten, a living person I took over as I fell to my death. What of his soul?
From a technical standpoint Kerner Braverhund was merely an overlay, a set of beliefs and memories that was tacked into each body I inhabited. Each copy was a different person. Similar, yes. But not identical.
I poured into each new mind like black ink, overpowering the other colors. But the hue of the original mind still remained, if however faintly. So did the original Kerner and I share a soul or was I someone else?
My mind involuntarily went to Eden and her situation. Esmeralda had created her as a tool to be used later, a sacrifice to be fattened up and burned at the altar. But I would not allow this thing to happen, not to my granddaughter.
I felt the old rage rising, coming back to me like it always did. I dug my nails into the arms of my rocking chair and gritted my teeth, feeling the wood beginning to splinter underneath my grip.
They thought we were just dogs, dumb canines too stupid to know what was really going on. Esmeralda thought she could come to me with a child and I would be so eager to use the girl for my own ends that I would blind to her true intentions.
But no. I knew exactly what she was up to and I would roast in hell before I saw one hair harmed on that child's head. None would hurt her so long as I breathed, and when my lungs filled with dirt I would claw my way out of my grave if needed.
Esmeralda was a nearly eternal being with all of Haven under her thumb. But I was Kerner Braverhund, son of Gershwin Braverhund. I was a warhund and a true son of Döbi. I would rip her pretty little flying castle from the sky and smash it on the ground below before I let her use it against my granddaughter.
I didn't care that bringing down Haven was impossible. Haven was a threat to Eden and I would destroy it just as I would destroy a snake creeping into a cradle.
Millennia of human rule and supremacy would burn like shooting stars as the station came crashing down and I would laugh as I stood in the ashes. Because who were they to rule us? Who were they to play God?
No, I would remind them what it was to be human. I would teach them to fear the wolf at the door. I would bring them down to our level.
I stopped, realizing my mistake. “Sorry, I get distracted in my old age. My mind dwells on things it shouldn't.” I consciously relaxed my grip on the chair.
“Esmeralda thought I would use you against Haven once you were old enough. But I would never choose that path for you. I don't need you to be a warrior, or a leader, or a savior. That isn't your burden.”
I realized now what I wanted to say to Eden, what I needed to get across to her before my time was up. “All I want is for you to have a good life and be a good person. This world is complicated and things I have set in motion will grow to form great storms and avalanches. But none of that is your responsibility or fault.”
“Eden, my war began long before you were born. There is no need for you to continue it after my death. This world you are inheriting could be a wonderful place, a paradise for all three species. That is what Eden means, paradise.” I tossed the remainder of my cigarette. I was done with it. I was done with everything.
“There will be echoes of me that you may come across. But they are not me. By the time you get this message I will be dead and gone. I will have abandoned this mortal body and moved on to whatever comes next.” I realized now that I had answered one of my own questions, and just in time too. I was already beginning to feel weak. The end was coming soon.
“They may wear my face or have my memories but they do not have my soul. That is one part of me that the Gravekeeper will never take. It cannot grasp that which it does not own. As I die now I know truly that I am alive, and I have a soul.”
I felt my mouth beginning to speak, but it paused as if asking for permission. Yes, I thought, you may speak through me one last time.
“I SUPPOSE OUR GAME IS ENDING. GOODBYE, AND BE AT PEACE. I WILL GIVE HER THIS MESSAGE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.” The Gravekeeper promised before it departed.
“Thank you.” I said, knowing that my memories would soon be absorbed into Gravekeeper, assuming it hadn't already backed them up when I was sleeping. It did that sometimes when it knew the end was coming and it didn't want to lose data.
My wetware would join the Dead Net alongside Ani’s and perhaps we would be together once more. Now wouldn't that be nice?
My breathing was getting rough now, the end was coming soon. I had already warned my children that I was dying and signed my do not resuscitate order. I had sat down to write some letters and drink one last beer, smoke one last cigarette before I closed my eyes and went to sleep forever.
What a thing it was, for an old warhund like me to die so peacefully. It had been a truly good life, much better than I deserved. I felt my eyelids beginning to get heavy. All I had to do was let them close one last time and it would be over. Sleep and death would claim me.
A tugging at my pant leg pulled me back to the land of the living. I looked down to see Eden. Her hazel eyes peered up at me from inside the hood of her fur lined parka.
She did not know that I was dying. She was too young to even know what death was. How nice would it be to see the world through the innocent eyes of a child, and how lucky I was to have her be the last thing I would see.
“Opa!” She shouted, her hands reaching towards me. “Up!”
My arms were heavy and my knees protested, my heart was pounding in my chest and I could barely breathe. But through sheer force of will I commanded my body to rise one last time. Death had chased me my entire life, it could wait a few minutes longer.
Pain like lightning shot through my joints and acid burned my muscles but I was used to such tortures by now. They could not stop me from picking up my granddaughter and raising her high into the air.
She called out with joy and kicked her precious little feet. Then rather than let my frailty endanger her I sat down with Eden in my lap. She giggled happily, clutching onto the front of my sweater. My eldest son Gershwin, the one who always worried, came to make sure everything was alright but I waved him away.
I had named him after my father, someone who I loved deeply, despite all of his flaws. The Sühi were matrilineal so it was not as if I had saddled him with the full burden of being Gershwin Braverhund. He was merely Gershwin Kolbe, or as he preferred to be called, Dr. Kolbe.
My son shook his head, walking away from his foolish sentimental father. We had never quite seen eye to eye and I was sad to know that we never would. Eden had been a particular sore point for him. Seeing me spend my last moments with her must have hurt.
He could not understand why I loved this human child so much. But why should love have a reason? What did logic have to do with this greatest of emotions?
I looked at my human granddaughter and smiled. I could feel my heart beginning to slow. It would not be long now until the end came.
“Goodbye little one…” I said, knowing my words would echo across the decades to find her. It was getting harder and harder to speak but I forced the final words out with my last breath. I would not let my weakness steal them away.
“Eden, it was nice to see you one last time with my own eyes. But all good things must end. Goodbye… my little love.”
I smiled and closed my eyes one last time, leaning back and letting death finally claim me. I wondered for one brief mad moment if perhaps my surrender would confuse the grim reaper. We had been dancing around each other for so long.
But no, death knew what to do when an old warhund finally stopped running. I felt my heart grow still in my chest and my mind began to fade like mist at sunrise.
I felt a brief momentary spark of rebellion and kicked my leg out as hard as I could. The old wooden chair began to rock, lulling the child in my lap to sleep. We could both rest now.
My echoes would persist like ripples in a pond. But this me, it would be gone. I would finally cease to be.
I let out one last raspy chuckle. Death was lucky it had found me when I was old and tired, otherwise it would not have stood a chance.
But still, it had been a good life. Perhaps better than one such as I could have ever hoped for or deserved. I thought of Ani. Yes, definitely better than I deserved.
A good life and a good death, I thought as I faded away. What gifts... What wonderful gifts….