Be a girl

“You look beautiful,” mum said. She placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, and let it slide partway down my arm, softly rubbing the skin. The smile on her face comforted me.

I looked down at my body, draped in an elegant purple dress. It fit my feminine figure perfectly. A warm, bubbly sensation rose up through my body. Everything felt right. In a way that I simply couldn’t articulate. This was the way everything was supposed to be.

I was the beautiful girl I had always wished to be.

I smiled back at my mum. There was a pride in her eyes that I’d never seen before. She was proud of me. Her daughter. All grown up. Ready to attend her high school formal. Under normal circumstances, I would have skipped such an event. But tonight presented an opportunity to be myself. A beautiful girl in a beautiful dress.

I pulled my mum into a tight hug and thanked her. For everything. The beginnings of tears glistened at the corners of her eyes. She rubbed gentle circles in my hands with her thumbs as she stared up at me with hopeful eyes. Tonight was going to be perfect. I just knew it.

“You’re the daughter I always wanted,” she said softly, and my heart soared from my chest, flying on feelings of pure elation. I wished this day would never end.

The sound of the doorbell reverberated throughout the house and my heart skipped a beat. Ah! My friends had arrived to take me to the venue. Excitement coursed through my veins. I couldn’t wait! To be amongst my friends, as one of the girls, all of us wearing our elegant formalwear, it was a dream come true!

“Sounds like your boyfriend is here,” mum said, a smirk appearing on her face. Huh? Boyfriend? That couldn’t be right. I didn’t have a boyfriend. I would never have a boyfriend. Why would she say something like that?

My heart sank. Was she telling the truth? No. There was no boyfriend. It was my friends who had come to collect me, not some strange boy who didn’t exist. I opened the door, ready to greet my friends.

“Good evening, Bea,” Jesse said, adjusting his tie and shooting me a smarmy grin. He stood tall above me, his chiselled muscles just about ready to burst through the material of his suit. His short blond hair glistened in the light of the streetlamps behind him. His bright blue eyes bored deep into my soul, tearing at my core.

My heart stopped entirely. No. What was he doing here? This wasn’t right. Jesse shouldn’t be here. And he certainly wasn’t my boyfriend.

I took a step back. “Where are you going?” he asked, wrapping an arm around my neck tightly. I stopped, unable to move within his grasp.

I closed my eyes, but the visage of Jesse remained burned into my sight. “Don’t be shy,” he said, his voice like ice. My breath caught in my throat, and I wanted nothing more than to disappear. His arm tightened around my neck, like he was ready to squeeze the life out of me.

I obliged with little resistance, but only because it was futile. I couldn’t fight a demon. I was worthless. A coward. I glanced up at his wicked smile glaring down at me and winced. I gulped.

The loud chatter of the crowd around us began to overwhelm me. I desperately wanted to go home, but I was here, at this accursed formal, for Claire’s sake. There was no way I’d willingly choose to be here otherwise.

“It’s good to see you, Clairebear,” Jesse said gently as he approached my tall friend. She smiled down at Jesse, although it was quite difficult to see behind the dense forest of her beard. Jesse clasped his hands in hers and stared longingly into her eyes.

Claire looked to me with a pain in her eyes. “Bea, you need to turn me into a girl,” she said, looming over me intensely. I shrank back, scared of her overpowering height. I hid my hands from her, so as to not accidentally touch her. I couldn’t transform her. It wasn’t fair. I wasn’t allowed to be a girl. Why was she?

“Thank you,” she said sweetly as she grasped my hand. I yanked my hand back from her. In an instant, she had transformed into a most beautiful girl. Her elegant green dress looked positively stunning on her. I looked down at the dull navy suit that I was wearing, wishing more than anything that I could be as radiant as her. But I couldn't. She was a girl, and I was not.

I looked on from afar as Claire danced with Jesse. The two seemed to be having a great time. Without me. Claire had abandoned me. Tossed me to the side like I didn’t matter. All so she could ditch me for the boy who’d made my life a living hell.

Jesse pulled her in close, wrapping both his arms over her shoulders. They slowly danced around each other in a circle, gently swaying with the music. Jesse hands found purchase on Claire’s face, and he pulled her in for a kiss. I had to look away.

“I need you to turn Josh into a girl for me,” Jesse said, grinning at me deviously. He yanked the gloves off both my hands and gripped me in a stranglehold. I peered over at Josh, completely unsuspecting of what was about to hit him. I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch, but that achieved nothing. No matter how hard I clenched my eyelids shut, my vision didn’t disappear.

I didn’t want to do this, but I could see no way to free myself from Jesse’s grasp. I relented and allowed him to do with me as he pleased. He smiled down at me, his face wholly unnerving. He leaned in close, his breath blowing against my face, and whispered in my ear.

“There’s a good girl.”

I woke up, drenched in sweat. My breathing was quick, and my heart rate heightened. I clutched at my chest – my flat chest – and a pang of distress rushed throughout my body. I remembered that my chest had always been flat, and my distress turned into sombreness. I clutched at my pectoral muscle one last time, then let my hand fall to my side, dejected. A single tear dropped from my eye.

Of course that had all been a dream. No, a nightmare. Images of Jesse’s cruel visage lingered in my mind, and I tried my best to purge them. It was only a dream; a painful conjuration of the mind, but nothing more. It had no hold over me now. It could no longer harm me.

Visions of the beginning of the dream returned to the forefront of my mind. Living as a girl. Mum accepting me as her daughter. None of it was real. It wasn’t meant to be real. No matter how badly I wanted it, I could never be a girl, let alone a beautiful one. The universe had already decided that for me.

I choked out a sob. It wasn’t fair. I had been granted the ability to transform anyone from male to female by the powers that be. For what reason, I could not discern. With but a mere touch, I could irrevocably alter the life course of another. I hadn’t asked for this. I didn’t want this.

I stared at my hands in the darkness. I traced my bare fingers over my face and arms and palms just to feel something. With these hands I had ruined the lives of not one, not two, but three people. All on accident. And the worst part was how much I envied those whom I had transformed. They despised the body I had granted them by pure happenstance, and I wanted nothing more than for that to happen to me. I was a monster, plain and simple.

Worse still: Jesse had tried to inflict the curse upon Josh. As much as I despised the boy with a fiery passion, even he didn’t deserve to live the life of misery I could bestow. How could I want something so horrible for myself?

I tried to get back to sleep, but thoughts of the formal dominated my mind, preventing me from getting any rest. It wasn’t even Jesse attempting to transform Josh that overwhelmed my mind. It was Jesse calling me a ‘good girl’. It felt wrong that those were the thoughts that occupied my mind for the majority of the night. But I couldn’t help it. My mind always kept going back to being called a ‘good girl’.

I was conflicted. It felt so good to be called that, but it was also so wrong. Knots twisted inside my stomach as I replayed that moment in my mind, over and over again. Simultaneous feelings of elation and disgust swirled inside me, and I couldn’t stop it. This would be so much easier if I could simply transform myself, but I knew that to be impossible. If I could simply be the girl I always wished to be, then everything would be ok. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed.

A question struck my mind. How had he known that I wanted to be a girl? Was I really that obvious? I mean, sure, I’d grown my hair out since we’d last seen each other, but that alone wasn’t enough, surely.

But also, he insisted that I was already a girl. Insisted until I agreed with him to avoid getting on his bad side. Sure, he obviously wanted his old body back, and if I could give it to him, I absolutely would. But what did that have to do with me wanting and not being able to be a girl?

My once most safeguarded secret could no longer be called as such. I was but an open book, waiting to be read. I had failed so miserably to hide my disgusting nature that not only were my friends aware, but also the boy who’d tormented me for years.

I choked out another sob, as quiet as I could. I didn’t want to wake anyone. Another sob. And then the waterworks began to flow. Softly. Quietly. I didn’t try to stop the tears. It was no use. I let them run. Run freely until there were none left. And then I sobbed some more.

I became hyperaware of the shape of my body. The stubble growing on my chin, my overly square jawline, my thick eyebrows, that little bump on my neck, my broad shoulders, my flat chest, my square abdomen, my spindly arms and legs, and that thing between my legs. All of it was wrong. All of it. The wrong shape, the wrong size, the wrong everything.

There was nothing I wanted more than to possess a body in which I could feel comfortable living. A body I could happily call my own. But there was simply no way for me to achieve that. A hopeless impossibility. No amount of wanting, dreaming, yearning, aching, longing, craving, desiring could grant my wish. Even if I could grant such a thing unto others.

I eventually fell numb to my body. My breathing laboured on, and all I could do was listen. The heavy thumping of my heart, and the soft sounds of air entering and leaving my lungs, echoed in my ears. The sounds reverberated through my brain like music from a horror movie, unsettling me to my core. My body strained, despite its lack of motion. My fingers and toes twitched anxiously.

More tears drew forth, and my hands moved to cover my face. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, hissing through my teeth in a weak attempt to hold back sobs. But I failed, and a loud hiccough escaped my lips. I let out a heavy, wistful breath.

“How are you feeling?” dad asked, coming into my room. I hadn’t even heard him open the door. I remained still. I remained quiet. The only sounds leaving my mouth were those of my heavy respiration.

He sat down on my bed, and my head jerked in his direction to look at him. Through blurry, tear-stained eyes, I saw him peering down at me with a worried expression painted on his face. “I will always love you, no matter what,” he said. I stayed silent and unmoving, aside from my breathing. “You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you.”

I believed him. Believed that he wouldn’t judge me. But what good did that matter if I couldn’t physically tell him because my mouth refused to work when I needed it most? A large part of me wanted to tell him what had happened last night. He deserved that much at least. But there was no way I’d be able to say it out loud.

I rolled over onto my back, staring up at my dad. His smile was obviously forced and failed to hide the pain behind his eyes. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, but was simply unable. But he deserved to know the catalyst for my current catastrophic state, at the very least. And even if I couldn’t speak, there was one other way I could communicate.

I reached for my phone on the bedside table, and opened up the notes app. As I typed, more tears formed in my eyes, making it difficult to see, and I had to wipe them away. Dad’s gaze remained fixed on me slowly typing away on my phone. When I was done, I handed it to him.

Dad nodded solemnly as he read. “Did he succeed?” he asked, and I shook my head. I was extremely thankful that Jesse had been thwarted by his sister. Dad nodded again. “That’s good at least. I’m sorry that happened to you. I know it’s hard, but try not to let this get to you. Stay strong.”

I sighed. If only it were so easy. It was hard knowing that I had the power to completely alter the course of another’s life in such a permanent way. I hated that I could be so easily forced to use my power against my will. It was pure luck that I managed to get away without transforming anyone. I never asked for this stupid power, and I didn’t want it. All it had done was cause problems, for me and others.

Dad squeezed my shoulder and peered down at me. He placed a single finger under my chin and lifted it ever so slightly. “Chin up,” he said, “You can get through this.” Could I? I wasn’t so sure. “I believe in you,” he added.

He gave my shoulder another squeeze, holding it for a moment. Our gazes stayed locked with each other for a short while. I briefly contemplated telling him my darkest secret. But I refrained. That was simply too much. How would he even react to such information? To know that I was envious of him, despite that he loathed the very thing I envied? I couldn’t. He would hate me. So, I kept quiet.

When he finally stood up and strode towards the door, he stopped, leant against the door frame and turned to face me one last time. “I could never hate you,” he said. He then left, gently closing the door behind him.