Be a girl

Maddy and I met up with Claire over by the toilets. Jesse was nowhere to be seen, but I assumed that he’d gone into the toilets to change into his suit. Claire stood awkwardly outside the doors. Her eyes lit up when she saw me, and her expression relaxed somewhat, though she still looked a little stressed.

“Good, you made it in,” she said nervously.

“You good, girl?” Maddy asked.

“Yeah, I’m just… Sorry, I didn’t think Jesse would do that. I know it’ll all be fine in the end, but… he shouldn’t have done that.”

Just how little of his true nature had Jesse shown Claire? Not a lot, it seemed. But that probably explained how Claire could even be friends with him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll have a chat with him once he’s done changing,” Maddy said, punching her palm repeatedly, rattling the bag she was holding with each pound.

“Anyway, Ben, can you change me back now?” Claire asked, fidgeting uncomfortably.

I was struck with a sharp pang of envy. The fact that Claire – currently stuck in a male body which she clearly despised – could simply ask to have her body returned to its female form bothered me. It simply was not fair that I had to be stuck in my disgusting body, while Claire didn’t.

But I couldn’t simply refuse her just because of my own feelings on the matter. It wasn’t fair, but I had the ability to ease her suffering; it would be wrong to withhold that from her. Making my feelings her problem was cruel, and I couldn’t do that to her.

Without a word, I removed my glove for the second time tonight. She took this as her cue to hold out her hand. After one light tap on her palm, I quickly reinserted my hand inside my glove. She would be the last person I would ever transform.

“God, that feels so weird,” Claire said once her body had finished changing. The suit she was wearing now looked awfully big on her. It was a good thing she thought to bring the dress Maddy was currently holding for her. She rubbed her now beard-free chin and smiled. “That’s much better. I can see Clairely now the dysphoria is gone!”

I shook my head at the silly pun, while Maddy snickered. Claire simply could not help herself. She took her dress off Maddy then promptly disappeared into the girls’ toilets, and I was once again alone with Jesse’s sister.

But not for long.

“There you are!” a voice called out from behind me. I recognised that voice. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in a long time, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still burnt into my brain. Neil. One of Jesse’s cronies. I really was having the worst luck tonight, wasn’t I? I would ask what he was doing here, but the answer was obvious: this was the formal for my old school. Jesse’s mum had obviously sent him to the sister school since I’d transformed him.

Neil approached Maddy, and the two gave each other a quick kiss on the lips. Were those two a couple? I shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course Jesse’s sister would be in a relationship with Neil. The world truly did have it out for me, reuniting me with not one, but two of my tormentors. I had never wanted a day to end sooner.

“Were you hiding from me?” Neil asked, staring longingly into Maddy’s eyes. “You know I get lonely without you.” Blegh.

“Don’t be stupid,” Maddy replied, “I’m just waiting for Jesse and his girlfriend to finish changing.”

Neil looked over at me and grinned. “Hey, Benny boy!” he said, nodding his head upward in that way guys always did. “It’s been a while.”

It had indeed been a while, but I would have preferred it be longer. Longer than my lifespan, in fact. And yet here we were, because nothing could ever go my way.

Neil noticed my apprehension and raised his hands above his head. “Hey man, you don’t gotta worry about me going near ya, especially after what you did to Jesse.”

I remained silent. Maddy looked between Neil and me, before narrowing her eyes at her boyfriend. “Did you bully Ben alongside Jesse?” she asked.

“I wouldn’t go as far as calling it bullying…” At that, Maddy elbowed him in the gut. He keeled over, clutching his stomach, struggling for air.

“Apologise,” she demanded.

“I’m sorry,” he wheezed. Maddy gave him some time to recover from his injury, glaring at him irritably. He groaned, and stood up, rubbing his stomach to help ease the pain. “Look, I’m sorry,” he said, finally having collected himself, “I was only doing it because Jesse was. I never really wanted to.”

His girlfriend glowered at him, and he shrunk back a little. I was beginning to feel a bit less scared of her now, though I resolved not to get on her bad side. If she was walking over the likes of Jesse and Neil with such ease, I did not want to mess with her. But if her disagreement with Jesse and Neil bullying me was anything to go by, I was probably on her good side. Hopefully.

“Being gay for my brother is a really shitty excuse, you know,” Maddy said. What?

“Yeah, I know,” Neil said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, “But love makes you do stupid shit, ya know?” Wait, what? Not only had Neil not denied the accusation that he was gay (from his girlfriend no less), but he also admitted to being in love with Jesse? What? He wasn’t actually gay, was he? No. That made no sense. He had a girlfriend; he must be bisexual.

And yet he’d admitted he was in love with Jesse, during the time when he was bullying me. Meaning he was in love with Jesse before I’d transformed him into a girl. I felt dizzy. I wanted to sit down, but there were no seats nearby. He had been violently homophobic to me for years, and it turned out that all along he was queer too? And not only that, but Jesse? What could he possibly have seen in Jesse? I couldn’t understand it.

“Ah, that’s much better,” Jesse said as he exited the boys’ toilets wearing his suit, his makeup gone, and with the dress he was previously wearing slung over his shoulder. He looked far more like the Jesse I knew for all those years he made my life hell, though the signs of his feminisation hadn’t been completely erased. Relief was evident on his face – it reminded me of my dad whenever he wore his binder along with men’s clothes.

Maddy smiled sweetly and walked right up to him. Before Jesse could react, she slammed him into the wall and pinned him there with a single hand. “Jesse,” she said calmly, her face painted with a wholly unnerving grin, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What the fuck do you mean?” Jesse retorted. He made no attempt to free himself from his sister’s grip.

“What you did back there, to get us in: you can’t just transform people like that.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Man, whatever. It’s fine. She’ll be fine.”

“That doesn’t change a motherfucking god damn thing!” Maddy roared.

Jesse cried out in pain, and I assumed Maddy had begun squeezing his shoulder harder and harder. He writhed around in pain, desperately trying to pull his sister’s hand from his shoulder, but she held fast. “I’m sorry!” Jesse cried, and Maddy eased up on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again!”

Maddy released him and relaxed, while Jesse rubbed his shoulder and grumbled at her. “Good. But I’m not the one you need to apologise to.”

“Fine, I’ll do it later,” Jesse grunted.

“Jesse! Lookin’ good, dude!” Neil called out, grinning and giving his friend finger guns.

Jesse smirked and adjusted his tie smugly. “Damn right I do!”

Suddenly, the door to the girls’ toilets opened, and out stepped Claire in her elegant green dress. She’d removed the hair tie that had appeared after Jesse transformed her, leaving her wavy brown hair to rest gently on her shoulders.

“How do I look?” she asked. How did she look? Amazing. The dress looked so much better on her than it had when she was just holding up to her body. It fit her remarkably well, given her extraordinary height. She hadn’t only put on the dress either. Around her neck, she had a stunning silver necklace, while each of her wrists were adorned with matching silver bracelets.

Neil wolf whistled, which caused Maddy to elbow him in the side. Jesse, meanwhile, grinned. “You look like the most beautiful girl in the world,” he said.

Claire’s blush was profuse and appeared instantly. It was an unusual sight, seeing Claire so bashful, but I could understand it. If anyone (well, anyone except Jesse) were to call me the most beautiful girl in the world, I probably would have melted. Alas, I could not be, and my envy towards her only grew. “Thanks,” she squeaked.

Jesse held out his hand for her with a flourish and a slight bow. “Shall we?” he said. Claire graciously accepted. The two then left towards the main hall where everyone who’d gained entry would be mingling about. And Claire had abandoned me again. Despite promising to stay with me the whole night. Argh! I would definitely be having a word with her later.

“Looks like you’re with us,” Maddy said. I glanced over at Neil and gulped. I certainly didn’t want to be near him. Noticing my apprehension, Maddy spoke up again, “Don’t worry about Neil; I’ll keep him in check.” She looked over at him and smirked. Neil chuckled nervously.

I followed the two of them into the main hall timidly. As much as I didn’t want to be near Neil, I felt I could trust Jesse’s sister to stop him from trying anything. She certainly had a habit of putting people in their place when they did something she didn’t like. And what she didn’t like, I didn’t like either. I couldn’t deny that it was quite satisfying watching her knock Jesse and Neil down a peg.

The main hall was even more packed than the entrance hall, which wasn’t too surprising. There were several large, round tables scattered about towards the back of the room where we entered, with a wide open space in front of a raised stage. Loud music reverberated throughout the hall, though I didn’t recognise it – if I had to guess it was probably whatever music was ‘hot’ at the moment, so of course I’d never heard it. Several people were mingling around the tables, chatting and drinking non-alcoholic beverages, while a few were already out on the dancefloor, grooving to the rhythms blaring through the loudspeakers.

Maddy found us a table, while Neil went off to grab some drinks. I saw Claire and Jesse over by a group of boys whom I recognised from my old school, but I didn’t dare go over to them, as much as I wanted to stay with my friend. The fewer people from my old school with whom I interacted tonight, the better.

Neil returned in short order carrying two plastic cups filled with drinks. He handed one to his girlfriend, who thanked him for his service.

The two chatted amongst themselves, occasionally taking sips from their drinks, when a new voice piped up, “I see you got yourself a boyfriend, Neil.” It was another that I recognised – another that I dreaded. Josh. Wonderful. Josh hadn’t changed much at all since I last saw him, aside from his right hand being in a cast. I assumed that Josh wrongly believed a brick wall to be an adversary and punched it thinking he could win.

“Yeah, what of it?” Neil retorted, narrowing his eyes at Josh.

Josh raised his hands defensively. “Hey, I was just wondering what the hell lil’ Benny was doin’ here. I thought the runt got expelled for turning Jesse into a chick.”

“That’s none of your god damn business, cunt.”

“Harsh words from a pussy like you.”

The two boys entered into a staring contest that lasted several seconds, only broken by Maddy speaking up, “Josh, if you don’t fuck off, I’ll gladly break your other hand as well.”

Josh looked over at Maddy, who was glaring at him sternly, and huffed. “Whatever,” he said, “Have fun with your dyke ass girlfriend, Neil. You little bitch.”

Josh walked off with a grumble, being sure to steer very clear of Maddy. So, even Josh was scared of Jesse’s sister. Where was she when I was being bullied? I really could have used her protection.

“So, anyway,” Neil said, breaking the awkward tension that Josh had sown, “I was thinking of meeting up with the lads. Did you wanna come?”

“And have you show me off like I’m your arm candy? No thanks,” Maddy scoffed.

“Alright, that’s fine,” Neil said, standing up. “But I expect to see you out on the dancefloor later.”

“Fine.”

Nothing much happened for a long while after that. I sat in my chair, not wanting to do anything, and desperately wanting Claire to come back so I wasn’t so bored. I fiddled with the tablecloth idly to occupy my mind, and to try and distract myself from everything. Neil eventually came back and collected his girlfriend so they could dance. I watched the two of them, along with Jesse and Claire, having a fun time, grooving to the music. There was no way I would ever go out there, especially on my own. I couldn’t dance, nor did I want to. No, I simply sat at the table, bored out of my mind.

After what felt like an eternity, Claire finally came over to me, her skin glistening with sweat from all the dancing she done. I perked up as I saw her approach and breathed a sigh of relief. She held two drinks in her hands, one which she handed to me with a smile. She took a deep gulp from her own drink and sat herself down beside me.

“Ah! This is the good stuff,” she said, letting out a contented sigh. I took a sip of my own drink and frowned at her. She quickly noticed my dull mood and tilted her head in confusion. “What’s the matter?”

“You promised you would stay with me the whole time,” I said softly, staring down at my drink melancholically. I felt abandoned by my best friend. She’d entirely forgotten about both me and her promise. It stung immensely. Like I didn’t even matter. Even if she hadn’t intended to hurt me – which, knowing her, she likely hadn’t – it still hurt knowing she’d forgotten me.

Her smile instantly disappeared, replaced with regret and sorrow. She smacked herself in the forehead and groaned. “God! I’m so sorry! I got so caught up in everything that I forgot!” Yeah, I figured.

“It’s fine,” I lied, not particularly wanting her to make some grandiose spectacle in apology, especially not around hundreds of people whom I formerly knew. Truth be told, I shouldn’t have really been surprised in the slightest. This was Claire, after all. Who knew what went on in that brain of hers.

“No, it’s not fine!” she exclaimed, “I shouldn’t have left you on your own like that! I’m a terrible friend.” She shrunk in on herself, making herself as small as she could.

“Just don’t leave me from now on.”

“Ok. I can do that,” she smiled. Whether or not I could trust her was a different question entirely. But I sincerely hoped she meant it this time. I forced a smile back.

She visibly relaxed, relieved that I’d forgiven her misgivings. She took another sip of her drink, slowly this time. “So, I’m curious, how did you end up transforming Jesse anyway?” she asked.

I sighed. Finally, an opportunity to tell Claire the truth about Jesse. The side of him that he had simply refused to show her. She needed to know. I steeled myself; I couldn’t have my words fail me now. I spoke, staring at my drink, not daring to make eye contact with my friend, “He was picking on me at lunch time on my seventeenth birthday. Making fun of me, calling me slurs, hitting me. He transformed after trying to steal my lunch.”

I looked up at Claire to see her both horrified and confused. “That can’t be right,” she said, shaking her head. “Jesse… he wouldn’t…”

“I don’t know what kind of lies he’s been telling you,” I continued, looking back down at my cup and gripping it tightly with both hands, “But Jesse made my life hell for years. He’s a horrible person and it hurts knowing that you became friends with him.”

Claire looked to be on the verge of tears, holding her hand over her mouth in shock. Her head tilted to the side, and I turned to see what she was looking at. Jesse. Great, just who we needed right now.

“What’s the matter, Clairebear?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned. I knew it was all just an act though. That boy was incapable of true compassion. I narrowed my eyes at him as he sat down beside her, gently placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Is it true?” she sniffled, “Did you bully Ben?”

Jesse’s face went a ghostly white. He looked over at me, then back at Claire. He squeezed her shoulder, then let his hand fall off. Claire stared at him with tearful eyes. “Yes,” he finally said, with a sigh. “I did some awful things in the past, and I regret them. But I’m not like that anymore! I’ve changed! I’m a better person now!” Another one of his nasty lies. There wasn’t any way that Claire could believe him.

“I know you are. I’m just shocked that you would do such a thing,” Claire said. Huh!?

Jesse slumped over, and looked at Claire with sorrowful eyes. “I know what I did was wrong. But I was young and stupid, I’ve done a lot of things over the past few years that I regret. This doesn’t excuse it, but” – Jesse turned away from Claire and took a deep breath – “my dad had just died at the time, and I took it out on Ben. I shouldn’t have, but I did.”

I wouldn’t fall for Jesse’s sob story. I wasn’t so easily fooled. He probably made that all up on the spot just to get Claire’s sympathy, like the lying sack of human excrement that he was.

I’d had enough. I couldn’t bear to see Jesse manipulate my friend the way he was. I stood up, grabbing everyone’s attention. “Claire, can we talk?” I said.

Claire seemed confused for a moment, before responding, “Sure.” She downed the rest of her drink and stood up. I led her away from the main hall, towards the toilets where it was much quieter.

“How can you be friends with Jesse?” I asked her firmly.

“What do you mean?” she replied, sounding quite puzzled.

“I mean, Jesse is a terrible person, and you shouldn’t be friends with him.”

Claire contemplated deeply for a moment, and it made me antsy. She shouldn’t have taken this long to reply. This was a very simple, cut and dry situation. She needed to stop being friends with Jesse. There was no alternative.

“I realise you have a bad history with Jesse,” Claire finally said, “But I think that people can change for the better, and we should give them that chance. All the evidence points to Jesse being a better person than when you knew him.”

“Can’t you see that he’s manipulating you!?” I exclaimed. I knew Claire wasn’t exactly the brightest in the world, but I always believed she should be smarter than this.

Claire frowned at me. “I don’t appreciate being told I don’t know my own friends,” she said scornfully, “and I especially don’t appreciate being told who I can and cannot be friends with. I’m not asking you to be friends with Jesse – that would be absurd. But I am asking you to respect me enough to let me choose my own friends. Is that fair?”

She stared down at me sternly, annoyed. But she shouldn’t have been. I was right. I knew I was right. Jesse wasn’t to be trusted. Except, Claire was convinced that I was wrong about Jesse. I could see no way to change her mind.

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” I replied.

Claire’s frown softened. “Good. Now, I’m gonna go to the toilet, and when I’m done, how about we go have some fun together? Without Jesse. I’ve neglected you for long enough tonight.”

I nodded. I could do that.