Be a girl

Claire kept her word. She and I ceased speaking with each other, and she didn’t try to ‘help’ me in any way. So, for the rest of the week, I sat alone at recess and lunch, and didn’t speak to either Claire or Isabel during the lessons I shared with them.

Of course, while Claire had promised not to talk with me, the other two had made no such promises. Rachel was the next to try to get me to rejoin the group. Unfortunately for her, she fared far worse than Claire. Her brash approach didn’t work on me. All I had to do was remain silent, and she eventually became so impatient that she stormed off. Completely unsuccessful.

What surprised me was who approached me next. He just happened to notice me sitting all on my lonesome and came over. He had nothing to do with any of the events of the sleepover, since he obviously wasn’t invited.

“What’s up?” Oscar said, sitting down beside me. “Haven’t seen you on your own like this before.”

I didn’t look in his direction. We hadn’t spoken with each other in quite some time, and for good reason. Even though Claire was the one he hurt directly, the rest of us were still unhappy with his behaviour. However, he hadn’t actually done anything to me directly, only hurt my friend. A friend who had recently hurt me, and with whom I no longer wanted to speak. So, I didn’t feel so bad about talking to him.

I answered his question with a deep, loud sigh. I rested my chin in my hand, and my elbow on my thigh, still keeping my vision away from the boy beside me.

He understood my message perfectly. “That bad, huh?” he said. I nodded. “Let me guess, the girls did something.”

“That should be obvious,” I said. That got a snicker out of him, which put a bit of a smile on my face. We were both upset at the girls, even if we had very different reasons. It was nice that we could relate to each other in that way.

“What did they do?” he inquired curiously.

I supposed it wouldn’t hurt to give a brief summary. After all, he wasn’t present at the sleepover, so he genuinely didn’t have a clue, especially given he likely hadn’t spoken to the girls recently either. Maybe I could have at least someone in my corner.

“They invited me to a sleepover,” I explained, “and I felt out of place, because, well, I was the only boy there.”

Oscar made an affirmative noise and gave a nod. “Yeah, I can see why you’d be uncomfortable.”

I continued. “And then Claire had an idea to make me feel more like I belonged.”

“Which was?”

“She had me wear one of Izzy’s dresses.”

Oscar cringed at that. “Oof,” he said. “That’s rough.” A brief moment of quiet broke out between us. I had said everything I had intended, and so had nothing more to say, while Oscar contemplated my words. “Did Claire apologise?” he finally said.

I scoffed. “No.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. Probably doesn’t even think she did anything wrong either.”

“Pretty much.”

“Hey, listen man,” Oscar said. I flinched a little at being called a man, but I didn’t let it show. I didn’t know why it stung. He was right to call me a man, because that’s what I was. But ever since the sleepover, being reminded of that fact hurt more and more. “It’s been a while, but do you wanna game tonight? I’ve missed gaming with my mates.”

I pondered for a moment. It could be fun. We’d stopped gaming together after he’d gotten mad at Claire for becoming a girl, and for good reason. But now that I was also upset with Claire, I saw no reason to decline his offer, so I accepted. It would be nice not having to give up gaming with a friend.

We kept chatting for the rest of lunchtime that day, mostly about video games. I was glad that I still had a friend with whom I could hang out. It definitely beat being lonely.

Oscar joined me that night for a gaming session as he’d promised, which I very much enjoyed. It was just like old times. Almost. Claire wasn’t here, but neither of us wanted her to be. I felt like I was returning somewhat to normalcy. Sure, things would never truly return to normal, but I didn’t mind that. It was a new normal now. One without the girls constantly bugging me, taunting me with their very existence. It helped to shove the painful thoughts to the back of mind without them around.

We continued to hang out at both recess and lunch every day from that point on. We talked entirely about what we’d been doing in the game the night before, and what we planned for the next session. I spotted Claire looking at the two of us chatting together a couple times. She didn’t approach us, but she seemed disappointed. Disappointed that I was still refusing to talk to her no doubt. But I’d had enough of her. Besides, Oscar and I were getting along quite well. We didn’t need her or the other girls.

Unfortunately, since I had to spend the weekends at mum’s house, I would be unable to play any games with Oscar. Even if I didn’t already hate staying at her house, the fact that I didn’t have my PC there really sucked. Of course, I could have gone to Oscar’s house, but it wasn’t like he had a spare computer on which I could play alongside him. He was disappointed, but he understood.

The longer we hung out, the more my mind kept coming back to a particular thought, niggling me at the back of my mind. A dull itch that, for a while, I could simply brush off. But it grew over time until I could no longer ignore it.

“I’m still a little confused,” I said to Oscar one day during recess. His ears perked up and he gave me an inquisitive look. “Why are you mad at the girls anyway?”

I had good reason to be angry at them. They’d forced me into a situation in which I clearly didn’t want to be, and then outright refused to apologise. Claire especially. But even Rachel had given me no apology, and I hadn’t even spoken to Izzy since the sleepover. I could at least appreciate that from her. But I still couldn’t understand why Oscar was unhappy with them. He’d blown up over something which I and the others considered to be no big deal.

Oscar sighed. “Truth be told, I’m more upset with Claire than mad at her. Rachel and Izzy are fine, but they always hang out with Claire, so I don’t really feel comfortable around them.” I nodded. I was also mostly upset with Claire, although the other two were complicit as well. “Although Rachel did say some not so nice things to me.” Oof.

“But why did you get upset at Claire in the first place?”

He stayed silent for a while as he contemplated his words. I remained curiously staring at him as he mulled over what to say. He pursed his lips a couple times, but he eventually opened up.

“I guess it’s less of a big deal to you, since you haven’t been around that long. But Jaxon was my best friend, and had been for years and years. To have him suddenly show up looking like a completely different person… I felt like I’d lost him. The man I’d looked up to for so long, and shared so much of my life with, gone like he never existed. And without any warning. Replaced by some girl, acting like it’s not a big deal.

“But it is a big deal! No matter how much Claire claims to be Jaxon, I just can’t see it. How can she act like nothing’s changed when everything has? She stole my best friend from me, and I’m never getting him back.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of his reasoning. On the one hand, perhaps I couldn’t understand why Claire becoming a girl made a difference to her and Oscar’s friendship because I was the one who had transformed her. I knew that she was the same person. Everyone I’d transformed had very evidently remained the same person on the inside, no matter how I’d changed them on the outside.

On the other hand, Rachel and Isabel were perfectly fine with Claire after her change, and Rachel didn’t even know that I’d been the one who had caused it. Why had they been so accepting of Claire while Oscar hadn’t? They never felt like they’d lost a friend, and neither had I.

I shook my head. “I don’t understand. Rachel and Izzy never felt like they’d lost a friend when Claire came out. So why do you?”

Oscar rolled his eyes at me. “They’re girls,” he scoffed. “Of course they’re gonna love having another girl around.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“You just don’t get it, man.”

I cringed internally at Oscar calling me a man once again. It was really getting to me for some reason, and I wished it would stop. I pushed that feeling to the back of my mind. I had more important things to focus on.

“You’re right, I don’t get it,” I admitted. It felt like he was blowing things massively out of proportion.

“I don’t even know why I bothered answering you,” Oscar muttered under his breath.

“I get that I haven’t known her for as long as you, but I’m really struggling to understand how you could feel like she’s a different person. She still loves making silly puns, playing video games and sport, and ‘helping’ people who haven’t asked for it. Just what is your problem?”

Truth be told, I was starting to get worked up at Oscar. He was making me defend the very person who had so cruelly hurt me, all for some petty temper tantrum of his. He lost his friend? Well, no wonder, given that he was the one who was pushing her away. I actually had a legitimate reason to be upset at her. Meanwhile he was wallowing in a pit of despair of his own creation.

“What’s my problem?” he scoffed. “I haven’t got any problem. Claire is the problem!”

“You keep claiming that she took your best friend away from you, but as far as I see it, you’re the one pushing her away.”

“Shut up!” he exclaimed, standing up. He glowered down at me, but I didn’t let it get to me. He jabbed a finger into my chest. “I’m not pushing anyone away! My best friend in the whole world got replaced by some fucking girl and everyone expects me to pretend like nothing happened! Well, I’m not fucking having it!”

“Why does it even matter that she’s a girl now?”

“Because I loved him!” he roared. The rage was suddenly wiped from his face as he realised what he’d just said. He collapsed onto the bench on which I was sitting, without a word. He stared vacantly off into the distance, his breathing shaky. “Fuck,” he whispered.

He slowly turned to face me. An abject terror was visible in his eyes. He evidently hadn’t meant to admit such a truth to me, but now that it was out, there was no taking it back. And he wasn’t taking it well.

So, that was the real reason he’d gotten so upset at Claire. He’d fallen in love with the mask that she’d put up to protect herself. To convince herself that she was happy with her life, when she really wasn’t. He loved the façade of a boy.

What a shit reason for abandoning his best friend. I may have still been mad at her for what she’d done, but at least my reasons were valid. Oscar’s, however, were not. It reminded me too much of the situation with my parents, of why mum left dad. It left a sickly taste in my mouth.

“Get over yourself,” I stated bluntly. I didn’t understand it when mum did it to dad, and I sure as hell couldn’t understand Oscar’s reasoning. He was just being extremely petty as far as I was concerned, and he needed a wakeup call.

“What?” he gasped, completely nonplussed.

“Get over yourself,” I repeated to hammer my point home.

His expression shifted into a scowl, but I didn’t let it faze me. I remained steadfast in my conviction; he was in the wrong here. “What the fuck!?” he screamed.

“You hurt your best friend then left her because she’s a girl now and you’re not into that? What is wrong with you?”

“You wouldn’t fucking understand,” he growled, “I loved him. He can’t just become a girl like that! What about how I feel?”

Even though I was still angry at Claire, I couldn’t let this slide. I had to defend her. What Oscar was saying was pure nonsense. He was the one who hurt her, not the other way round.

“What about how she feels!? It’s not like she had a choice! But she’s happy now, and you should be happy for her too. She was miserable before.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Jaxon was always cheerful and happy. He always had a smile on his face.”

Oh.

Claire hadn’t told him. He really didn’t know. Did that mean that, out of everyone, she only told me how depressed she was before? That was… I didn’t know how to feel about that.

I shook my head. “No. It was all an act. She just didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Oh, and how do you know that?” he snarked.

“She told me!” I exclaimed, starting to puff with each new breath. “Not long before she turned into a girl.”

“That’s another thing,” Oscar said, “How the hell did he just ‘turn into a girl’? That is not a thing that should happen.”

“I don’t know,” I lied quickly, looking away from him.

Whatever hope I had for him to buy that white lie was immediately dashed. “You… are a terrible liar. You totally know how it happened. No wonder you were so adamant that Claire was telling the truth.”

Shit. Fuck. He was on to me. What was I supposed to do in a situation like this? Should I just tell him? No, that was a terrible idea. I could scarcely believe I even entertained such a thought. I highly doubted Oscar would be happy to hear that I was the one that took Jaxon away from him; it’d probably madden him further.

The blood drained from my face, and I had no doubt that Oscar could see the abject terror written all over me. My heart raced in my chest as I tried to think of a way out from this situation. This wasn’t good at all. I shook my head in a pitiful attempt to get Oscar to lay off me.

“Tell me what happened,” he demanded.

Even if I wanted to explain it, I physically couldn’t. I’d temporarily lost my ability to speak. He wasn’t getting anything out of me. Not in my current emotional state. I shook my head again.

“What? Don’t you think I deserve to know how my best friend was taken from me!?”

I shakily pulled out my phone. I couldn’t use my voice, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t still communicate. I typed out, “Talk to Claire” and showed him the message.

“You know what?” he huffed, standing up. “Maybe I will. I’m done here anyway.”

With that, he walked off. But not without another huff.

If he did go talk to Claire as I suggested, then maybe he’d finally get his head out of his own ass. Maybe he’d realise that his reason for being upset at Claire and refusing to hang out with everyone was incredibly petty. Those two desperately needed to talk. I held faith that Claire would not reveal the truth of how she came to possess her current body, despite our recent fallout. Whether or not they would make up remained to be seen.

But I did know one thing: Oscar was now mad at me, and not for no reason. I was now back to where I was before we started talking again.

Alone.