Be a girl

Whilst waiting for all our nail polish to dry, the other girls chatted away with each other. I didn’t really feel like talking, more interested in staring down at my now-purple toenails. This whole moment was all so surreal, I could barely comprehend that it was really happening. But it was and I was relishing it.

“Oh! Oh! I have an idea,” Rachel said excitedly. Our nails had since finished drying, and we now suddenly needed to think of another activity; it was still a long while before we would need to go to bed for the night.

Everyone focused their attention onto her, wondering what her idea could be. She was lying on her stomach on Izzy’s bed, her chin resting in her hands, and her legs up in the air behind her kicking back and forth. Her smile was devious.

“Rachel, you better be serious,” Claire replied, evidently still annoyed at Rachel teasing her earlier.

“I am! I am! I promise!” she exclaimed. She paused for a moment, regarding everyone carefully for any objections. Claire looked at her disapprovingly but didn’t offer any protest. Rachel continued, “How ‘bout we play a game of Truth or Dare? It’s a sleepover classic.”

“Hmm, I’ve never played it,” Claire said, scratching her chin.

“It’s fun! You’ll like it! What about you two?” Rachel said. She rolled onto her back, looking at Isabel and me with her head upside down, hanging off the edge of the bed.

“Sure,” Izzy replied.

I shrugged. Like Claire, I hadn’t played it either, and it couldn’t hurt, right?

We all made ourselves comfortable around Isabel’s bedroom. Rachel and Isabel both sat on Izzy’s bed, while Claire fetched the beanbag she sat on earlier in the evening. I found purchase on Izzy’s desk chair. We arranged ourselves in a circle that more closely resembled an irregular quadrilateral. Since the game was Rachel’s idea, she went first.

“Dare,” she said with a sly grin. She sure had a lot of confidence. Whether or not it was founded, well, we’d all just have to wait and see.

I had no clue what I could ask her, so I kept my mouth shut. Izzy wasn’t so sure either, and remained quiet as well. Claire, however, offered up something, thankfully, “I dare you to stand on your head for fifteen seconds.”

“Pfft! Easy!” Rachel replied, standing up and rolling her head around to limber up her neck. She cracked her knuckles then shook her hands vigorously to loosen them up. She took a deep breath, then inverted herself. Her face looked strained as she held the position, the blood evidently rushing to her head.

With sinister glee, Claire took advantage of Rachel’s compromised position. She wrestled herself out of the depths of the beanbag and shuffled on her knees over to Rachel. With both hands, she lightly tickled Rachel on the belly, causing her to break into a fit of giggles. Despite the torture inflicted by Claire, she held strong, managing to maintain her balance.

“That’s fifteen seconds,” Izzy said once time was up.

Rachel flipped herself back upright and shot Claire the most obnoxiously smug grin. Which, deserved. She had not only managed to complete the dare, she did so while Claire actively sabotaged her attempt, all without complaining. Claire gave her friend a pouty frown in response, clearly unhappy that her plans had been foiled so thoroughly.

“Eat shit, Claire!” Rachel cackled. She did a little celebratory dance to rub it in Claire’s face before sitting back down on the bed next to Izzy. “For that,” she said after calming down, “I think it’s your turn now, Claire.”

“Fine,” she huffed, “I’ll be different and go truth.”

“What was the biggest adjustment?” Izzy asked, “You know, after turning into a girl.”

“That’s a tough one,” Claire mused. “Everything just kinda felt natural, you know? Like everything just sorta started making sense for the first time as if this is how everything should have always been. Though if I had to pick something maybe it’s remembering to wear a bra? I have been reminded on more than one occasion that I have to wear a bra now.” She blushed and scratched the back of her head nervously.

Rachel giggled at her response. “Yeah, I imagine having boobs all of a sudden would be a bit of an adjustment, haha!” she laughed, making Claire blush even more.

“Alright, Bea, it’s your turn!” Claire declared, deflecting all attention off of her so that she could recover from her embarrassment.

Right. I had to think about whether I wanted to reveal a truth or do a dare. With Rachel here, that made telling a truth rather difficult for me. I had too many secrets that I didn’t want her to know, even though she was one of my friends. But the fewer people who knew those things about me, the better, no matter how close we were.

“Dare,” I said.

“I dare you to take your gloves off!” Rachel said.

Oh.

“Rachel!” Izzy exclaimed, noticeably irritated, and fair enough. It was rather inappropriate, and I was grateful that she immediately jumped to my defence. Still, I considered whether I wanted to do as I was asked. If you’re given a dare, then you have to follow through, right? Those were the rules of the game. Was it right to break the rules? It felt unfair to everyone else.

Besides, taking off my gloves presented little risk in this circumstance. It was highly unlikely that Izzy’s dad would barge in and accidentally make contact with one of my hands. And it wasn’t like I was capable of transforming anyone in this room. Objectively, it was safe for everyone else if I followed through with the dare.

“What?” Rachel asked, “How bad could it be if she took her gloves off.” A euphoric rush ran through my body at being called ‘she’ once again. Part of me felt bad for enjoying it, but another, larger part was telling me to bask in the warm glow.

Izzy raised her index finger, looking as though she were about to make a rebuttal. Except, she didn’t, instead only frowning. She seemed to be struggling to come up with an adequate response. While she racked her brains in an attempt to rebut our friend, I sighed, then slowly pulled the gloves off. Her mouth gaped in surprise. Even Claire looked rather worried.

Rachel gestured at me pointedly. “See? It’s fine.” She paused, peering at my hands more intently than before. She was puzzled at the sight. She was expecting to see something different; probably skin that looked gross or horrid owing to her believing I had a skin condition. “Your hands look normal?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Bea, you didn’t have to,” Izzy said in a reassuring tone.

“It’s fine.” And I believed that. A forced smile helped put my concerned friend at ease.

“Wait, what is your skin condition then?” Rachel inquired, scratching her head in confusion.

“I don’t believe I’m obligated to share that information, as it is no longer my turn.” A free out.

“Hah! You got me there,” she smirked.

It was now Isabel’s turn. She pondered for a moment, but ultimately decided to share a truth. Rachel eagerly rubbed her hands together, clearly wanting to be the one to ask Izzy a question, made evident by the devilish grin.

“Now we all know you’re gay Izzy. So, I gotta know: which lucky girl has caught your eye?”

The blush on Izzy’s face was fierce. Quite possibly fiercer than when Rachel suggested the girls all take their tops off as a joke. An impressive feat. She pulled her body in tightly, making herself visibly smaller. Rachel sure did know how to push all our buttons and turn us all into blushing messes, didn’t she? I wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or terrified.

The puddle of a girl beside her took quite a long while to respond. She squirmed and writhed, struggling to get the words out; a feeling with which I was all too familiar. Unfortunately, Rachel was becoming impatient as she awaited the answer, and she made it known. Even Claire was looking on with intrigue. Her power mustn’t have provided that information, which was arguably for the best.

Eventually, Izzy managed to provide the long-awaited answer. “You,” she squeaked, staring deeply into Rachel’s eyes. Now it was Rachel’s turn to blush. And blush she did, going an even brighter shade of red than our red-headed friend. Of course, that also made her the last one of the night to get flustered – now everyone had blushed at least once tonight.

She didn’t know how to take it. Opening and closing her mouth as her brain tried and failed to process Izzy’s confession. Some noises escaped her mouth, but none of them could be considered anything close to words – only awkward squeaks and whimpers.

It was honestly quite the experience seeing Rachel in such a state. She was always so cool and confident, and now she had been reduced to a stuttering mess. With only one word too. Very impressive showing from Isabel.

“It’s your turn now, Rach,” Claire said softly, forcing Rachel’s brain to do a full reboot. She turned to Claire, her mouth still open. A couple seconds later, she blinked several times and shook her head, finally snapping out of her stupor.

“Yes!” she exclaimed suddenly, and rather loudly. “I um… uhh… um…” She couldn’t make up her mind, still overwhelmed from Izzy’s confession.

Claire exhaled sharply through her nose, and a smirk appeared on her face. “I dare you to kiss Izzy.”

Was that allowed? Rachel hadn’t even chosen to do a dare. She hadn’t chosen anything. Not to mention that the dare involved two people, not just one. That seemed rather unfair as it wasn’t Izzy’s turn. But I hadn’t played this game before, so maybe it was fine?

The two girls seemed to think so, based on the fact that neither of them protested. Instead, they stared into each other’s eyes. Neither had said anything, but both of them were still red in the face. Rachel brushed a short lock of hair behind her ear and smiled at the other girl. Izzy smiled back and nodded. Rachel scooted closer until their thighs were touching, neither breaking eye contact.

She leaned in slowly until the girls’ lips gently touched. They remained in contact for several seconds, both looking very relaxed.

At least until Claire yelled out, “GAY!” with her hands cupped around her mouth to amplify the sound, before breaking out into silly giggles. The kissing girls broke apart abruptly, once again looking rather embarrassed.

Rachel smiled at Izzy, staring into her eyes. Izzy adjusted her glasses and smiled back.

“What did you think?” Izzy asked nervously.

“I think…” Rachel began but trailed off as she tried to formulate her answer. “I think… that Claire is a massive dork.” She stood up and kicked the tall girl playfully in the shin. Claire, of course, cackled like a maniac. Completely unapologetic.

A wry smile appeared on Rachel’s face. “You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” she asked. Claire, still a giggly mess, stuck her tongue out. “Well, since you’re having so much fun, I dare you to kiss Bea.”

Wait what!?

Claire shut up instantly and peered over at me, concerned. I was concerned too. Why did Rachel want us to kiss? Did I want to kiss Claire? I didn’t think so. I hadn’t really thought about it.

“I’m not sure that’s a…” Claire began but was immediately interrupted by Rachel.

“Do it! Do it! Do it!” she chanted, egging on her friend enthusiastically.

Claire frowned, but caved to the peer pressure. I stared at her, unsure what to think, what to do. What was I supposed to do? Could I decline? I didn’t know. She was inching closer to me on her knees. Could I back out? Did I want to? I didn’t know.

My heart was racing. What should I do? I didn’t know how to feel. I’d never done anything like this before. I hadn’t kissed anyone in my life, let alone one of my best friends. And here she was, right in front of me, on her knees looking at me hesitantly. I said nothing. I couldn’t. I was too overrun with nerves. I wouldn’t even know what to say even if I was capable of speech at this current moment.

Claire’s lips met mine.

One thought overwhelmed my mind. There was no hesitancy. I had never been so sure of anything ever in my life.

Ew ew ew, gross, ew ew, gross, ew!

Why did I let her kiss me? That was one of the worst things I’d ever done in my life! People enjoyed that? HOW!? Rachel and Izzy looked so… calm, when they kissed. The way they reacted; they clearly enjoyed it. But now, having experienced kissing for myself, I simply could not understand. What part of that was enjoyable? It made no sense.

I pulled away from Claire and sputtered off to the side, trying to rid my mouth of the disgust. I wiped my lips with the back of my hand, then sputtered some more. With a disgusted groan, I peered around the room. Izzy was concerned – she was good at that – while Rachel was simply confused. Claire was also worried.

“Ok, so, I may have misread you two,” Rachel admitted.

“I was trying to tell you that,” Claire said, rather irritated, “But you egged me on.”

“Sorry. I mean, you didn’t have to do it, you know.” Rachel said. Claire narrowed her eyes at her friend.

“How, um, how are you feeling, Claire?” Izzy asked.

“Fine?” Claire replied, somewhat puzzled. “I’m more worried about Bea.”

All eyes focused onto me. Suddenly the attention from all of them was no longer wanted.

“I’m sorry,” Rachel said softly, “Are you ok?”

I looked to the floor, where I could no longer see their eyes boring into me. It helped to pretend that they weren’t looking. “I never want to do that again,” I said quietly.

“And we won’t make you.”

I smiled, still keeping my eyes to the floor. I appreciated the apology. “Thanks.”

“Hey Bea,” Izzy said. I peered up at her, seeing the worried expression still painted on her face. “Be honest, you said that you’re into girls, but… are you really?”

“Of course!” I replied automatically. None of the worried faces disappeared, however. No one spoke, they all simply stared. They were doubting me. Claire had bitten her lip, but she refrained from speaking. She knew, but I appreciated that she had the decency to not say anything. Finally.

Was I really into girls? Really? What did that even mean? I mean, I found girls pretty. All my friends were pretty, and I was envious of them for that fact. They all got to be pretty girls and I got to be… ugly.

But from the way the girls were reacting, they made it seem as though finding girls pretty wasn’t the same as being into girls. But that didn’t make sense. I thought that was what it meant? I was genuinely confused.

“Are you sure?”

I held my mouth open to answer, but nothing came out. I was still trying to formulate a response. I was so convinced that I must be attracted to girls because I found them pleasing to look at. Sure, I didn’t want to have sex with girls, I already knew that. The thought of doing that filled me with such visceral disgust that I needed to purge the thought the moment it entered my brain.

But I was still romantically attracted to girls, right? I found them pretty. Was that not enough? Surely that was enough.

“I don’t know,” I finally said. I couldn’t meet their eyes again. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel. I was so perplexed.

“Let’s put it another way then: who do you like?” Izzy asked.

Who do I like? “What do you mean?” I didn’t understand the question.

My response definitely caught her off guard, and she wasn’t quite sure how to respond. She shook her head in confusion. “Like, who do you have a crush on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Uhhh… How can you not know?” Rachel said. Another question I simply did not understand. Before I could answer, she side-eyed Claire, who hadn’t said a word during this entire discussion thus far, and called her out. “Claire, you know, don’t you?”

Claire looked around the room guiltily. She knew, but wasn’t going to say anything. When pressed further, she mimed zipping up her lips, and kept them held firm shut. She made some mumbling noises indicating that she wasn’t willing to share.

I couldn’t share either, as I didn’t know.

…

Oh.

I really wasn’t into girls, was I? I’d somehow managed to convince myself that I must have been because that’s what everyone expected of me. And I never questioned it because I never truly understood what people meant when they talked about attraction.

I felt like an idiot.

Of course, I could just be wrong about all this. I could really still be into girls, just in a different way to how others expected. There was an easy way to find out though. It felt almost like cheating. But I needed to know.

I turned to Claire, who was still deflecting Rachel’s interrogation. I was thankful that she had kept her promise to me, about no longer talking about my orientation with other people, least of all in front of me. But now, I needed her to break that promise, for me. Because I really did need to know. I had an idea, and I needed the confirmation.

“Claire?” I asked softly, and everyone stopped and directed their attention to me once again.

“Hmm?”

“I’m not really attracted to girls, am I?” She bit her lip, unwilling to respond. But I needed to know, and she had the answer. “I give you permission to tell me.”

“No.” Her response was terse, but that was all she needed. All I needed. A relief struck me instantly. Like I had suddenly been freed from a prison in which I hadn’t realised I was being held captive. A part of me, unlocked, a truth I’d kept hidden from myself out of fear. A fear instilled into me by the world around me.

Was that a good thing?

The fear was still ever present. I’d uncovered a truth of my nature, but was it worth it? There was no denying why I’d kept it locked away in a chest in the corner of my mind, out of sight, so that even I didn’t know its contents.

I was different. So fundamentally at odds with how other people functioned, and now it was out in the open. More so than not being interested in sex. I was fundamentally incapable of an emotion that most considered an intrinsic aspect of the human experience.

To say I was conflicted would be an understatement. But I had a strong feeling that my friends wouldn’t treat me differently with the new knowledge laid to bare. Claire knew – likely as long as we’d known each other – and she never judged me for it, and she simply would not allow the others to judge me for it either. And Izzy had always been so kind to me. Rachel, well, Izzy or Claire would probably keep her in line.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. I still had my friends. Did I need a partner? I didn’t think so. I’d never really thought all that much about it anyway. I’d always just assumed someone would find me and everything would fall into place easy peasy. But that wasn’t how the world worked at all, was it? It was a silly notion to believe. In hindsight, that really should have clued me in.

When I was first questioning my sexuality, I’d denied it. Because it hurt too much. Because it would label me as too different from what everyone thought was possible. It was so far outside the norm of society, that I couldn’t accept it, not even for myself. That I would be a monster.

But I wasn’t a monster. My friends certainly didn’t see me as such, and I knew I couldn’t hurt a fly. I was no monster, despite what I’d been made to believe, nor was I heartless. I was just different, and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

I am aromantic. And I’m no longer ashamed of that.