Be a girl

Isabel and I both watched as Claire excused herself. I’d never seen her so upset before, but we both respected her wishes and did not go after her.

“That was… something,” Izzy noted. I nodded. “I really don’t know how to feel about this.”

“Yeah.”

“Like, the others were convinced that was Jaxon’s sister, but I’m really not so sure she was.”

That piqued my interest. Despite Oscar and Rachel being incorrect, them believing that Claire was actually Emily was a significantly more logical conclusion than magic. Claire’s claim (although true) was utterly absurd, when one didn’t believe magic was real. But Izzy doubted the others’ conclusion regardless. She must have had her reasons, especially to contemplate the possibility of magic being real, even when she hadn’t encountered any evidence of it besides Claire.

“Oh? What makes you say that?” I asked.

“Well, Emily has green eyes, but this girl’s eyes are green and blue, just like Jaxon’s.”

“Claire’s eyes are different colours?” I asked. Was that even possible? How did I never notice before?

Izzy giggled. “No silly. Both eyes have green and blue in them. Green in the centre, blue on the outside.”

“Oh.” Now I felt silly. How long had I known her, and I didn’t know her eye colour? I blinked. I didn’t know any of my friends’ eye colours, come to think of it. I looked over at Isabel and stared at her eyes. Ok. She had grey eyes. I committed that to memory.

“But it’s not just that,” Izzy continued. “While she looked similar to Emily, there were subtle differences. You know, like she’s Emily’s sister.”

I nodded again.

Izzy rubbed at her chin pensively, a determined expression on her face. “Even still, Oscar was right about her being way shorter than Jaxon. People don’t shrink that much. It doesn’t make sense.”

“It was magic,” I said quickly. Part of me didn’t know why I answered, but I knew in my heart that Claire didn’t deserve her friends abandoning her over what I’d done. And Isabel seemed open to accepting Claire as she was now. Our mutual friend was stuck as a girl; it would kill me if I ruined her life in more ways than I already had by transforming her.

“You’re serious.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. An accusation.

“Yes.”

She began pacing around, rubbing her chin in thought once again. My eyes followed along as she walked back and forth while she contemplated the ridiculousness of me outright stating that magic was real. “I’ve known you long enough to know you wouldn’t make such a claim without any sort of evidence,” she said without stopping or looking up.

“Correct.”

“And you aren’t lying about this either,” she continued, tapping at her chin. “I’ve seen you lie; you’re terrible, no offence.”

I felt my face become hot. I was not expecting to be called out like that. It had me worried. I’d been lying a fair bit recently, and if she could tell, what did she think of me? Sure, she wouldn’t be able to determine the truth from my lies, but it still didn’t bode well. I had previously hoped she hadn’t realised that I was lying.

“You seem so sure that that girl is Jaxon too – or was, I suppose. Which begs the question. Did you see it happen? Did you see Jaxon magically turn into a girl?”

“I… no…” I said. I didn’t see it happen, and I couldn’t lie about that, especially knowing Izzy would immediately pick up on me if I were to lie. I had run away, too afraid to face Claire, knowing what I’d done to her. Afraid that she would lash out. But she didn’t. In fact, quite the opposite; she apologised.

“That would imply that you’ve seen evidence of magic elsewhere, correct?” Isabel prodded, “Else you wouldn’t be so sure of its existence.”

I nodded slowly. By this point, my heart was racing. Isabel’s deductive skills were closing in on the truth, and I was terrified she would realise I was behind all of this.

“Where? What was it?” she inquired curiously.

Oh shit. I couldn’t reveal that! What was I supposed to say? “I…” I started but I stopped. I had to think of a lie. Ugh, but I’ve always been so terrible at lying, and Izzy knew it! Wait. How could I forget! Jaxon had some weird psychic ability! Sure, I felt bad about revealing such personal information about a friend, but as creepy as the ability was, I could, under no circumstances, reveal my own secret. Mine was far more sensitive information. “Jaxon – or Claire now I suppose – has some psychic ability. She, um, knew my full name and exact age without me telling her. Same with my brother.”

Isabel stopped her pacing and blinked in surprise. “That’s… interesting,” she said. She shook her head and restarted her pacing, “Though, assuming you’re telling the truth, it’s a bit of a leap to go from ‘psychic abilities exist’ to ‘Jaxon magically turned into a girl’.”

She made a good point there.

“So,” she continued, “you say you didn’t see Jaxon transform, but you’re also sure that he did. Meaning you’ve probably seen this sort of thing before.” She paused and looked up at me. “Ben, have you seen this sort of thing before?”

I froze immediately. I didn’t want to answer her. At all. I stayed stuck to the spot. I simply stared at Isabel, and she stared back, expectantly. But no words left my throat. No movements or gestures to indicate an answer.

I could feel the pace of my heart quicken. The thumping in my chest grew ever louder, ever faster. My hands began to sweat, and the gloves I wore clung to my skin, exacerbating clamminess. I tried to ball my hands into fists, but it did not help tide the uncomfortable feeling of the sweat inside the gloves, nor did it come close to evaporating the sheer dread that had suddenly overwhelmed me.

“You have, haven’t you?”

My breathing became heavier. My mouth dried up, and I swallowed to replenish the saliva. I wanted to disappear. I needed to escape this situation. But how? I was trapped. Running wouldn’t help; that would merely reveal that her assumption was correct. But remaining here also incriminated me. She’d backed me in the corner, and I was stressing out.

“You seem to know more about this than you’re letting on, Ben.”

Stop.

“You know how it happened, don’t you? You know how Jaxon was turned into a girl.”

Please stop.

“Ben, are you ok?”

No. I shook my head, struggling desperately to get my breathing under control.

Her worried eyes bore into me. Staring deep into my soul. Whether or not they could divine the truth – the whole truth – I did not know. But what I did know was I couldn’t allow that to happen.

And so I ran. Like I always did. I ran away from the cause of my distress. I simply could no longer remain here. I needed away. Away. Away. Away.

I ran behind the art building. Far from everyone. Quiet. Then the floodgates opened, and I broke down in tears. Isabel was so close to figuring me out. Maybe she already had. Perhaps my reaction didn’t help matters. But it was too late now. I could only hope that she didn’t follow me. That she didn’t try to push matters further.

***

I slowly made my way over to where I would normally meet with Jaxon when we walked home together. Except now she was Claire. A fact I was staunchly reminded of when I met up with her.

And she wasn’t alone when I arrived. Isabel had found her and was interrogating her. I wanted to hide away, wait until Izzy left, so that I could walk home with Claire in peace. But my tall friend noticed me and waved me over before I could escape. Now both their attentions were on me. They wouldn’t simply allow me to leave now. I sighed and went over to them.

Izzy showed nothing but concern on her face. Maybe she wouldn’t be so concerned about me if she hadn’t upset me. If she hadn’t pushed so hard to find out the truth.

“I’m really sorry about earlier, Ben,” she said softly, “Are you feeling better now?” I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to her. If I refused to speak, then she wouldn’t get any sensitive information out of me.

Claire looked between the two of us, worried. “What’s the matter?” Claire asked cautiously, her tone soft and comforting. Again, I didn’t want to answer.

Izzy bit her lip. “I upset Ben at lunchtime, after you left.”

“Oh,” Claire replied, even more worried than before. “What did you do?”

Izzy sighed, looking at me apprehensively. Her expression told me that she was genuinely apologetic for earlier, but I couldn’t forgive her. She never should have interrogated me like that. “I tried to find out why Ben knew about magic, and how he could be so sure that you’d been magically transformed into a girl, Claire. And that freaked him out.”

Claire cringed at that, and understandably so. She knew just how important it was to me that my power remain a secret, even to those with whom I was closest. “Are you ok now, Ben?” she asked.

I looked away, refusing to reply, which only served to worry the two girls more. I was not ok, and I knew that they could both tell. But their persistent pestering wasn’t going to magically make me feel any better.

“If it’s any consolation, I believe you both,” Izzy said.

Of course she did. She already seemed rather convinced whilst she was interrogating me at lunch. Asking me too many questions. Questions that I didn’t want her knowing the answer to. Did I consider her believing us a consolation? No, not really. Not unless she dropped the topic and stopped trying to discover the truth about me.

Claire squealed with excitement, and pulled the short girl into a tight hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Izzy!” Isabel, for her part, hugged her friend back, a gentle smile appearing on her face. They eventually broke apart, and Claire composed herself, though a joyous grin still remained on her face.

“Well, seeing how distraught you were after Oscar and Rachel left, and how I accidentally hurt Ben afterwards, this didn’t seem like a silly prank.”

“It means a lot to hear you say that,” Claire smiled. Izzy returned her own.

“There is one more thing though,” Izzy said. Claire tilted her head. “How did this happen? I mean, magic, obviously, but I need more details.”

Claire’s smile suddenly disappeared, and she bit her lip nervously. She glanced over at me as if to ask for confirmation. But I supplied none. Under no circumstances was she to relay that information to anyone, not even Izzy, and she knew it. However, I couldn’t simply shake my head to tell her no – that would clue in Izzy that I was involved, and I couldn’t have that. So, I narrowed my eyes at Claire, and she understood.

“Oh, you know, it just happened,” she said casually, as if it were no big deal. I was thankful that she still refrained from mentioning that I was involved.

Her response did not amuse Isabel, who furrowed her brow at the tall girl. “I cannot stress enough how little that does to answer my question.”

“I don’t know what else to tell you,” Claire shrugged, “Ben and I were walking home from school—”

“Wait, Ben said that he wasn’t there when you transformed.” Uh oh. I didn’t like this. At all.

My mouth suddenly became uncomfortably dry. Izzy was dangerously close to figuring it all out. I couldn’t let that happen, but I didn’t know how to stop it.

“Um…” Claire said uncomfortably. She looked over to me, as if I would be able to help her out of this, but what was I supposed to do? I was the one truly stuck in this situation, not her. I needed Izzy to stop prying, and Claire could see that, but neither of us knew what to do.

Izzy continued to muse quietly to herself. She began to pace back and forth, like she had at lunch, instilling a deep fear inside my stomach. “Maybe Ben had left before you transformed. But then why would you mention him, Claire? Unless…” she paused for a moment as she rubbed her chin. I felt my breath catch in my throat. I did not like where this was going. “Unless Ben left because Jaxon began transforming…”

I couldn’t bear this anymore. She was inching closer and closer to discovering the truth, and I simply could not have that. Her earlier apology meant nothing to me so long as she continued to pry for information she had no right to know. I could no longer bear the incessant prodding, and I began walking home without so much as a goodbye. Both called after me, but I did not stop.

At least not until a hand landed on my shoulder and forcibly prevented me from moving further. “Ben,” Claire said, “Maybe we should tell her. I don’t think she’ll give up if we don’t.”

I shoved the hand off my shoulder and continued towards the school gate. “No.”

“Ben, please,” she pleaded, this time rushing in front of me. “She’s our friend. She’s not going to think any less of you if you tell her.”

“Claire is right,” Isabel interjected, “I’m not going to judge you, whatever it is you two are keeping from me. Like, Jaxon suddenly turning into a girl is huge. You’ve sparked my curiosity, and I can’t just quash that because you asked me to.”

Her words meant nothing to me. People could say anything they wanted, but that didn’t mean they believed their own words. She could easily claim that she wouldn’t judge me, but she didn’t know that. If she found out the truth, she would very well shun me. Why would she not? I was a freak.

Her curious gaze bore down on me, and I needed to look away. I stared down at the ground, hoping desperately that she would just drop this. “Wait, Ben, do you have magic?” she asked.

My heart skipped a beat. She had figured me out. All my efforts to keep this from her had failed miserably. I was a terrible liar, and I was far too easy to read. If I didn’t react so strongly to the possibility of her realising the truth, she likely never would have figured me out. But I couldn’t help it. I had no control over how I reacted. And right now, with my eyes glazed over, she could very likely determine the answer to her question, all without me or even Claire saying anything. Why did I have to be this way? What was wrong with me?

“Did you turn Jaxon into a girl?”

I could feel my entire life shatter into thousands of tiny shards. My whole world began to crumble around me. The tears, although I wished for them greatly, never heeded my beckoning.

Isabel knew. Perhaps not everything, but enough that it didn’t really matter. She knew enough that fitting the remaining pieces together would be a simple task for her. I’d been too obvious, and she had solved me like a puzzle meant for a small child.

All my attempts at keeping my deepest, darkest secrets hidden from the world had been futile. I had failed miserably. Not only had I accidentally ruined one friend’s life by transforming her, another friend had found me out. I needed to disappear; to remove myself from their lives so that they no longer had the misfortune of being in my presence. So, I ran. I ran as fast as my little legs would take me.

But I didn’t make it very far. Claire caught up to me easily, wrapping me up in a tight hug. I struggled to free myself, but her grip was too strong. “Ben, it’s ok.”

No, it wasn’t! None of this was ok! Izzy continued to stick her nose where it didn’t belong, and now she’d obtained information she had no right to. How was that ok?

I eventually stopped struggling. There was no chance I would escape Claire’s grip, so why even bother trying? She released me, and I remained with her. Running off again would achieve the same result as last time; I wouldn’t get anywhere.

“Ben, I think we should tell her,” Claire whispered. “She’s our friend; she deserves to know. She’s not going to think any less of you if you tell her.” I shook my head vigorously.

She couldn’t know. She couldn’t know that I was a freak. I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t lose a friend to something over which I had no control. She couldn’t know. She couldn’t know. I couldn’t let that happen.

“Ben, please,” she pleaded, “I really think it’s best if we tell her.”

No. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t. Even if I were capable of speaking, if the words could physically come out of my mouth, I couldn’t tell her such a thing. I couldn’t admit to this aspect of myself, that I held so close, in fear of anyone finding out. Claire knowing was one too many. I couldn’t have Izzy know too.

“She already figured out most of it,” Claire said.

I didn’t want to admit it – to anyone, not even myself. But it was impossible to deny. Isabel had indeed figured out most of it, as painful as that was to believe.

Claire peered down at me with a painful expression. She sighed wistfully. “I’m going to tell her.”

I gripped Claire’s wrist and glared directly into her eyes. She peered back, looking torn, but she at least understood my unspoken message: I could not have Claire be the one to tell Isabel.

If Isabel was going to find out no matter what, then it was going to be on my terms.

Izzy knew enough of the truth that admitting everything to her wouldn’t change anything. Despite apologising, she had continued to push the topic, over and over, ceaselessly, and I didn’t see her stopping. I knew that no matter what I did, she would find out the truth. I could see no other possibility.

But if I were to tell her the truth, it needed to be the whole truth. If I left out any details, she would likely notice, and this entire rigmarole would begin again. That was far too painful for me. It was far better to simply rip off the bandaid now and get it all over with. The endless interrogation was simply too much.

I sighed. I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. I looked back at Isabel, watching me with concern. This was it. No going back. “Isabel, if I tell you, I need you to promise not to tell anyone.” I spoke sternly, but softly.

She nodded. “I promise.”

“Not Rachel, not Oscar, not your parents, no one.”

“I understand.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Ok. I’ll tell you. But not here. It will be easier to explain at my home.” I knew that it would be too difficult to explain everything on my own. I’d clam up, and my words would fail me. With dad there with me, it would be much easier on me.

The other two nodded and followed after me as I led them to my home.

“I’m sorry about pressuring you,” Claire said softly.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t even turn to face her. I merely continued walking towards my home without a word.