Be a girl

After the meeting, I decided to clear out my locker, since I wasn’t planning on returning to these premises until the final exams for the year. Mum followed along and offered to help me. I thanked her for the offer, and in no time my locker was empty, and my school bag completely full. Its weight had me worried I might tip over backwards. Thankfully I managed to avoid making a fool of myself in front of my mother. It was a struggle to carry, but we didn’t have far to go to reach the car. I was a bit exhausted afterward though.

Mum and I both hopped in the car, and she drove us over to my little brother’s school. Normally mum would pick up James first, since his school let out earlier than mine. Then she would come pick me up and take us both home. But since I’d gotten out early today, we’d be arriving at James’ school only a little after home time.

“Can you be extra nice to James today?” mum asked. “He had an accident earlier, and he was feeling very embarrassed about it. He peed his pants and I had to go in to hand him a change of clothes. It’s been quite a day between the both of you.”

That was a surprise to hear. “He peed his pants? That doesn’t sound much like him,” I replied. James was definitely old enough by now to be able to properly control his bladder. It made me wonder what could have caused this.

“I know. He didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t push it, so please be extra nice to him, ok?”

“Sure thing.” That would be easy enough at least. James had always looked up to me, thinking of me as his cool older brother. Not that I considered myself cool, but he was ten. The fact that I was so much older than him made me cool by default. I was sure that in a few years, he’d grow out of this phase. Though I did hope he wouldn’t lose his respect for me, just that he’d mature into a more realistic opinion of me.

We rolled up to my brother’s school and I waited in the car for mum to go collect James. I decided to move into the back seat so that I could sit next to him during the drive home. Only a few minutes later and the two of them had returned to the car. James entered the car in the seat next to mine, looking very gloomy. Mum wasn’t lying when she said he wasn’t didn’t take today well.

“Hey buddy. How was your day?” I asked. James shook his head, then looked away from me, out the window. I sighed. “Mum told me what happened, and I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t think any less of you.”

James just sighed and continued staring out the window. I wanted to make my little brother feel better, but I wasn’t really sure what to do. I had never been very good at comforting people, especially not little kids, even if we were close to each other. James was usually very cheerful, so to see him like this pained me somewhat.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he turned to face me. “Your day couldn’t have been worse than mine,” I said, lifting my shirt and showing him all the bruises that ran along the side of my torso. His eyes practically bulged out of his head at the sight.

“What happened to you!?” he gasped.  

I lowered my shirt and gave him a pained smile. I didn’t want to tell him the full truth. He probably wouldn’t believe me anyway. Or maybe he would. He did trust and look up to me after all. But, he didn’t need to know the full truth. “Someone decided I would make a good punching bag, but they didn’t care to ask whether or not I wanted to be a punching bag.” I gave him my best reassuring smile, which, to be honest, probably wasn’t that reassuring. “So, do you want to talk about your day?”

James scrunched up his face and quickly looked away from me. “No,” he said flatly.

“Alright buddy, I won’t push you.”

During the car ride home, mum and I refrained from speaking about the events that happened at my school resulting in my expulsion, for which I was glad. Well, technically I wasn’t expelled, but rather asked to leave. But that was merely a technicality; they’re basically the same. But I digress, I didn’t want to talk about it, and neither did mum. Either that or she realised that I didn’t want to talk about it and so didn’t bring it up. In which case I was thankful.

The rest of the car ride was quiet. No one wanted to speak, seeing as we all had rather terrible days. Today was certainly the worst birthday I’d ever had. I doubted that any of my future birthdays could top such an awful day, but nothing was outside the realm of possibility anymore. All of my birthdays had been going downhill ever I since became a teenager, so there was no reason to assume the trend wouldn’t continue, even if today was a special kind of horrible.

When we arrived home, I asked James if he wanted to play some games with me, to help cheer him up. He reluctantly agreed. He was taking this whole ordeal particular badly, and it worried me. Usually, he was always enthusiastic to play video games with his older brother. The games did help, though not as much as I had hoped. He was temporarily distracted, but by the time we had to stop for dinner, he was back to his glum mood. It didn’t help that we needed to pause part way through so I could put some more ice on my bruises to help them heal.

Dinner was ready only shortly after dad came home for the day. He noticed the dull mood in the household immediately and tried to cheer us up. It didn’t work, despite his best efforts. After helping set the table, the whole family sat down and began eating dinner together. Most nights we wouldn’t eat together, though tonight was an obvious exception. I could tell dad was a little surprised that we’d be eating together, since he hadn’t yet been informed of today’s events, but he didn’t question the decision.

The house was arranged so that the kitchen and family room were right next to each other, so my parents would usually eat on the lounges in front of the tv, while James would eat at the kitchen bench. The tv was still visible from where James sat so he never complained. My parents just didn’t trust him to not make a mess if he were to eat on the lounge. I used to sit on that same kitchen bench when I was James’ age, but now I preferred to eat alone in my room, at my computer. My parents were displeased by this, but they begrudgingly allowed it.

After a few moments of eating in silence, mum finally decided to speak up, and informed dad of both James’ accident and my expulsion. To say he was shocked would be an understatement. I lowered my head, not wanting to meet his gaze. I knew he was disappointed in me.

Thankfully, mum asked if I wanted to explain why exactly I’d been asked to leave, but I shook my head. The fewer people who knew the better, even if it meant keeping it from my dad. I wanted to put this all behind me and not have to think about it for longer than necessary. Really, all it would do was worry him more than needed. He had enough to worry about in his own life; he didn’t need to worry about me.

After dinner, I retreated to my room, having had enough of today and needing to be alone. I hadn’t had any time to myself since lunchtime at school, which was far too long for me. Even without all the other stuff, a day with that much interaction with others would have worn me out. I decided the best course of action was to simply go to bed early so that this day could be over sooner.

***

So much for going to bed early; I didn’t get much sleep that night. I simply could not get the day’s events out of my head. The bruises didn’t help much either. At least I didn’t get a black eye or something, that would have made it completely impossible to sleep. Even if Jesse hadn’t beaten me up, I probably would have tossed and turned all night. I never had a chance at sleeping with my mind racing as it did.

Why had Jesse transformed like that? Did I really do that? If so, how? I didn’t exactly wish for him to be turned into a girl. All I could think about before it happened was how much I wanted Jesse and his goons to leave me alone, so it wasn’t a conscious decision, And him turning into a girl just made that whole situation worse. Assuming that it was me who did it, would I be able to transform other people? Or was Jesse the only one? I sure didn’t want to find out.

When my alarm went off, I decided that was as good a time as any to get out of bed. I was exhausted, only having slept a couple hours at most. I really hoped that my bruises would hurry up and heal, but I knew that I’d have to deal with them for at least a few weeks. I did my usual morning routine, but instead of changing into my school uniform, I donned some casual clothes; nothing special, just a tshirt and shorts. I had to consciously remind myself to not put on the uniform, actually, since it was so baked into my routine. But regardless, it was nice not having to worry about that damn school anymore.

Something was off though. James wasn’t awake and running about. I asked mum what was up, and she told me that James wasn’t feeling well this morning, and that I would need to look after him today since she had work. Was he actually sick? Or was he still upset about yesterday? I didn’t expect peeing his pants would affect him so much. It seemed like something he should have gotten over by now, even if he felt embarrassed about it.

I went to James’ room and saw him still curled up in bed. I sat down on the end, not saying a word.

“Go away”, he snapped, pulling his bedsheets over his head.

I sighed. “I know you’re embarrassed about what happened yesterday, but there’s nothing wrong with peeing your pants. Even adults do it sometimes, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

James remained silent for a moment, before slowly sitting up in his bed. He looked at me dejectedly, then shook his head. “That’s not it.” Ok, maybe he was properly sick today. Though that didn’t explain why he didn’t want me around.

“What’s the matter then?” I inquired, genuinely confused as to what the problem could possibly be.

James looked down and the bedsheets covering his legs. “If I tell you, can you promise not to tell mum or dad?”

I put my hand over my heart and said, “I promise.” And I meant it. I wouldn’t go back on my word, even if I didn’t know what it was that I had promised to keep secret. He was just a kid, and when you’re a kid, it’s easy to misjudge the importance of things. James usually blew things way out of proportion. But that was fine. Certainly better than the opposite.

James scrunched his hands up, squeezing the bedsheets, before releasing his grip. Whatever he wanted to say, he was obviously struggling to get it out. I had that same issue, so I could sympathise. “I lost something important,” he finally said, still staring at his lap. I was glad that he at least had the courage to tell me what was bothering him, even if he was being rather vague.

“Well, maybe I can help you find it.”

James shook his head again, his gaze remaining low. I was still confused at this point. I wasn’t sure why he was so worried about losing something, and what this had to do with him peeing his pants yesterday. Mum and dad would hardly get mad at him for something like that. They’d always been forgiving. Still, even without them, I could simply help him find what he’d lost. That seemed the obvious solution.

“I don’t know how I could have lost it or where it could have gone. I only noticed it was missing when I went to the toilet yesterday so I must have lost it before then. I went to wee, but when I looked down, my willy was gone.”

“Your…”

Oh fuck.

Zema

Oh no