Be a girl

It didn’t take too long to arrive at James’ school, an establishment with which I was completely unfamiliar. Last year, James went to the same primary school that I attended when I was his age. But because mum insisted that he attend school as a girl, he was transferred to another where no one knew him as a boy. Why dad let mum do this, I didn’t know. He seemed to concede everything when it came to James for some unknown reason.

We entered the front office of the school where we were directed to some hallways in the back of the building. James was sitting on a chair outside a door which I assumed led to the principal’s office. He was slumped in the chair, arms crossed over his chest, and face scrunched up in anger.

His expression softened when he saw me, though it shifted to worry upon seeing that dad was less than pleased. He shrank in on himself, suddenly feeling really guilty.

“James,” dad said in that disappointed voice that only parents could manage, “We talked about this. I know you want to be a boy, but it’s not that simple anymore.”

James scrunched his face again and looked away, his arms still crossed tightly over his chest. “I don’t care.”

“James, please,” dad pleaded. That only caused James to turn his head away even further with a huff.

Before dad could get another word in, the door beside us opened, and out stepped the principal. An older man in the latter stages of balding, trying to hide it with a pitiful attempt at a combover.

“Ah, Mrs. Ashford, you’re here. Thank you for taking time out of your undoubtedly busy day to discuss the matter of your daughter’s behaviour today.” He held out his hand to shake, which my dad accepted. When the man turned his attention towards me, he seemed a little confused. “And you would be?”

“I’m hi-her older brother,” I replied, nearly slipping up. I didn’t want to use that particular pronoun for James, but it was the better option in this circumstance. James was currently wearing a dress, enrolled at this school as a girl, and was referred to as such by the man to whom I was speaking. Best not cause a kerfuffle over this.

“I see,” the principal mused, though he didn’t question my presence further. “Well, why don’t you come inside?”

We followed him inside the office, and each sat down in one of the chairs sitting opposite a large wooden desk; I next to James, and dad next to him. Paper was scattered all over the desk in a manner that in no way could be considered organised. The principal sat himself down opposite the three of us and rested his elbows on the desk, hands clamped together, his expression serious.

It softened suddenly however, and a look of surprise crossed his face. Suspecting it was due to something I couldn’t see, I turned around toward the door to the office to see my mother standing in the doorway, and she did not look happy. Oh boy. This was going to be… interesting, to say the least.

“Oh, um, welcome, um, Mrs Ashford?” the principal said, entirely unsure of himself. Perhaps he was confused that James and I apparently had two mothers. Not that I would consider that a particularly puzzling family situation, least not these days. Though, he was rather old.

“Why is Ben here?” she questioned my father, unpleased, completely ignoring the principal.

“He wasn’t feeling well today,” dad retorted, “and I received the phone call while we were out at lunch together, so I brought him along. What’s it to you?”

I really didn’t like the way they were talking to each other. There was a venom in both their words that had never existed before. Was this how they spoke to each other in private these days? A terrifying possibility that I didn’t want to believe.

“I was only curious,” mum huffed. “We’re here for Chloe anyway.”

Mum glanced around the room and noticed that there were no spare chairs in the office, likely due to the school not expecting my presence. There was, however, the chair outside the office that James was sitting on only moments prior, which mum grabbed and brought inside. She placed the chair down next to dad, in the only remaining available space in the office.

So, here we all were, our family of four, together for the first time in months. And mum and dad had already taken shots at each other. Off to an excellent start.

“Are we ready to begin?” the principal asked. Mum and dad both gave their affirmations. “Very well. I’m sure you’ve both been informed that your daughter has been caught using the boys’ toilets.” Nods from both my parents. “I have been told that this is not the first such incident. Chloe’s teacher tried to explain to your daughter that she isn’t allowed to use the boys’ toilets – that she must use the girls’ toilets instead – but she refused to listen.”

Mum leant forward to see past dad and over at James, frowning. “Chloe, sweetie, you know you’re not supposed to use the boys’ toilets,” she said sternly, “I’m extremely disappointed in your behaviour young lady.”

It was as though something snapped inside my brother. His face became one of pure rage, something I’d never seen from him before. At the top of his lungs he yelled, “I’M NOT A GIRL!”

So much for my attempt at subtlety. Catching myself to call my brother ‘her’ earlier all for naught.

Mum, although she tried not to show it, did not take kindly to James’ reaction. With a forced smile masking her seething anger, she hissed, “Chloe! You are a girl, and I expect you to act as such.”

“Bethany, sincerely, shut the fuck up.”

And she did. Everyone did. The shock of my dad saying that stunned everyone into silence. He simply did not speak like that. Especially not to his wife. Mum was wide-eyed, utterly dumb-founded, speechless. Even the principal was shocked by the language dad had used.

“He clearly does not want to be a girl, so why the fuck are you forcing it on him!?”

“Because she is a girl! She needs to accept that!”

“Why!?”

“It’s for her own safety and wellbeing!”

“Is it? Or are you just trying to force your beliefs on him?”

“If she keeps thinking she’s a boy, how do you think the other children will treat her? Do you think it will be kindly? I am trying to protect my daughter from those who would harm her!”

My parents’ shouting match was beginning to become too much for me to bear. What was happening? They had never been at each other’s throats like this before. I hadn’t realised that their relationship had devolved to such a point, and it was tearing a hole in my heart.

I glanced down at my brother and saw that he was crying. Oh no. This was hurting him far more than it was me, and it was hitting me hard. I grasped his hand in my own and he turned to look at me through his teary eyes. I motioned towards the door with my head. He nodded. We both stood up and exited the room. The other three didn’t notice us leaving, too busy with the verbal deathmatch.

I led my brother outside to the school’s courtyard. I spotted a bench not too far from our location and sat us both down on it. I wrapped my arm over his shoulder and pulled him close, allowing him to cry as much as he needed. Poor kid.

Part of me wanted to say that it was all going to be ok. But I simply could not bring myself to lie to my brother like that. He wouldn’t believe it anyway. No outcome in this situation looked good. For anyone.

“It’s all my fault,” James whispered. He looked up at me, his face a mess. Tears still streaming freely, his cheeks flush and his eyes bloodshot. “Mum and dad are fighting because of me.”

“That’s not true,” I said, rubbing his side to help reassure him, “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. If I hadn’t transformed you and dad, none of this would have happened. We’d still be a happy family, all together under one roof.”

James rubbed away his tears with his hands and sighed. “I don’t understand why mum wants me to be a girl. I hate it. I want to be a boy. My name is James, not Chloe. I hate being called Chloe.”

I leant back on the bench and stared off into the distance. “I don’t understand either,” I said wistfully. We each shared a moment of no talking, the silence on broken by the occasional sniffle from James.

I pulled my phone out and checked the time. Five to two. Still over an hour before James’ school let out for home time, and I was sure that he wouldn’t want to return to classes after today’s events.

“Want to head home?” I suggested, breaking the silence between the two of us.

“What about mum and dad?”

“Do you really want to go back to them arguing like that? I sure don’t.”

My brother mulled over my suggestion for a moment before agreeing. I quickly pulled up my phone’s GPS just to be sure that we wouldn’t get lost, then held out a hand for James, which he graciously accepted. The journey home was slow going, but it was peaceful. A far cry from the stress of watching our parents fighting. Neither of us spoke during the walk. Our parents’ fight still loomed in our minds, and we both needed some time to recover.

Some time through our journey, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see a call from mum. With a sigh, I answered.

“Hello?”

“Ben, where are you? Where’s Chloe?” Mum sounded both frustrated and distraught. Understandable given that both her children had disappeared without a word. Still, I had to wonder for how long exactly she and dad had been arguing. It had taken mum quite a while to notice that James and I were no longer at the school.

“We’re on our way home.”

“What!? Get back here right now!”

Her tone deeply upset me. I knew she was all worked up after her fight with dad, but she really should not have spoken to me like that. It was no way to speak to one’s own child.

“No.”

“Ben, we still need to speak with Chloe about her behaviour today.”

“You should have thought of that before you and dad started arguing.”

“Listen here young man: you better bring my daughter back here or else.”

“Or else what, mum? You made James cry! Did you even notice? Or were you too busy squabbling with dad? We left ten minutes ago, and you only just now realised that we were gone. If you actually care about us, as you claim, maybe you should try paying attention to us – listening to us – instead of arguing with dad over what’s best for us. Now, James and I are going home. Goodbye.”

I immediately hung up before mum could get another word in edgewise. She tried calling me back right after, but I turned my phone off instead, ceasing all contact. If she wanted to, she could easily meet up with us shortly. Whether or not she would remained to be seen.

My entire body was shaking from the confrontation. I just stood up to my mother. And quite fiercely at that. I finally had the guts to tell her how I felt about her actions. That she was hurting my little brother, even if she deluded herself into believing it was for his protection and wellbeing. From where that newfound confidence had come, I was unsure.

I instantly felt a pang of regret. I had no idea how mum would react to my little outburst, and what that would mean for James and me. As good as it felt to put my foot down, I was worried that it might be detrimental for us. I probably just fucked everything up for our entire family. Made everything worse. I was good at that.

James and I arrived home a few minutes after I shut my phone off. As soon as we were through the back door, my brother rushed off to his room to get changed out of his school dress. I myself flopped onto my bed face down, so exhausted from today’s events. I wanted to scream into my pillow, but I didn’t have the will. Between yesterday and today, everything was all too much, and I was emotionally exhausted.

Not five minutes later, I heard a door slam and heavy thumping footsteps moving through the house. Another door slammed and I realised that dad was home. If it weren’t already evident, he screamed out a loud, “FUCK!” that echoed throughout the entire house. That didn’t sound good.

I rolled off the bed, made my way to dad’s bedroom, and knocked softly on the door. After no response, I worried that he hadn’t heard my gentle knocks, and tried again, louder this time.

Still no response. I frowned. This wasn’t good. I couldn’t hear anything from the room, but I was sure that he was inside. I gripped the door handle and turned it slowly. I peeked inside the room and saw my dad lying on his bed, quietly sobbing into his pillow. Shit.

Without a word, I quietly laid down on the bed beside him, resting my head on the pillow which used to belong to my mother. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, though I was unable to tune out dad’s attempts at stifling his sobs.

I heard a creak of the floorboards by the door and opened an eye to investigate. James peeked his head through the gap in the door, giving me a worried look. I softly pat the bed beside me on the small portion that was still free. He nodded, and slowly crept over. I shuffled over slightly to give him some space as he carefully climbed on.

“Dad, are you ok?” James asked softly.

Dad rolled over, exposing his mess of a face to us. He looked as bad as James had when we were back at the school. With a smile so forced it failed miserably at hiding the pain dad was no doubt feeling, he replied, “I’m fine.”

“We all know that’s not true,” I retorted.

The smile dropped from dad’s face instantly. “I’m sorry,” he said, “It’s just, your mother is threatening legal action if I don’t go along with her ideas. I –” he hiccoughed, and more tears formed in the corners of his eyes, “– I don’t want to lose you two, but your mother is making it difficult. I’m trying, I really am, but your mother is a massive bitch.”

Harsh words, but accurate. Only six months ago I would have been completely taken aback at my father calling my mother a bitch, but that was exactly how she was acting right now. I was shocked, however, by her threatening legal action against my father, though it certainly explained why he was conceding to her at every turn.

James mhmmed his affirmation. “She’s the biggest bitch.”

Again, only a few months ago, dad would have reprimanded James for speaking those words. Today, however, dad let out a weak chuckle and a sigh. And once again, I had to agree with the sentiment.

“What kind of legal action?” I asked.

“Divorce, mostly. Which, to be honest, I kind of want to divorce her after everything she’s done.”

“Why don’t you then?”

He sniffled, then sighed. “Because I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to retain any custody of either of you. I either go along with her bullshit, or I risk the possibility of losing you both. And even if I manage to maintain legal custody, we’d be in basically the same position we are right now. I just can’t risk it.”

I frowned. I wasn’t sure how reasonable dad’s worries were about a divorce, but it suddenly made sense why he had always caved whenever it came to mum’s treatment of James. She had a knife to his throat, and was threatening to slice it if he didn’t go along with her abhorrent ideas. What exactly was he supposed to do?

“James, buddy,” dad said, “I need you to go along with what your mother wants, for me. If you don’t… it might be harder for you and me to see each other. Do you understand?”

“I don’t want to be a girl though!” James whined.

“I know buddy. Neither do I. But we don’t have a choice.”

I wrapped an arm around my brother’s shoulder and pulled him closer to me. “You’ll still get to be a boy while you’re here,” I reassured him.

Several emotions ran across his face as he processed our words. With a reluctant sigh, he relented, “Ok.” He sounded defeated, and for good reason.

“Good lad.”