Be a girl

“Well, that’s the last one,” Jaxon announced as we arrived at the final classroom on my timetable: the physics lab. Since physics was easily my favourite subject, I was looking forward to the time I would be spending inside that building, though it did look rather drab.

Jaxon gave me another overexaggerated bow to end the tour, right as the bell rang, signalling the start of class. “You didn’t need to bow, you know,” I remarked. He just chuckled at me.

“Of course I did. Sir Vance exists purely for the benefit of their master.”

This guy was relentless, I swear. That’s two puns in one sentence, and two utilising my name in only a few minutes. Recycled, but still. Unbelievable. “Do you always make such terrible puns?” I groaned.

He placed his hand on his chest in mock indignation, like I’d stabbed at his ego with a knife. “I take offence to your allegation!” he exclaimed with a silly grin on his face. “Evidently, you are no punnoisseur like myself, and must be initiated in the punderful world of wordplay before it’s too late. My puns are, unlike what others may tell you, not a punishment. Can you believe that some have likened them to a German sausage? The gall!”

I rolled my eyes at him. This guy was a lot to handle, and frankly, I needed a break. Unfortunately for me, I had a feeling he wouldn’t let me avoid him easily. At least for now, we had classes to get to, and we didn’t share our first one together. “If you’re done puntificating, we need to head to class.”

The giant beside me shot me finger guns and said, “Ayyyeeee” at my quite honestly terrible pun. I just shook my head and made my way back to my new locker. Jaxon gave me an enthusiastic wave after we had both collected our necessary supplies for our first class and parted ways.

My first class was fairly boring. First lessons were always boring, given that they were just an introduction to the course and didn’t have that much in the way of learning new things. Thankfully, the teacher didn’t point me out as a new student like in homeroom. I’d had more than enough spotlight for the whole year if I was being honest. Sitting at the rear of the room definitely helped with blending into the background.

As I put my books away into my locker for recess, Jaxon greeted me with a friendly wave.

“You found any new friends to hang out with during recess?” he asked with more enthusiasm than I thought possible from such a simple question.

I shook my head, “I was actually planning to find a place out of the way and spend recess alone.”

“What!?” Jaxon gasped, so shocked he placed his hand on his chest like you see in movies. I couldn’t tell if that was how he genuinely reacted to something he found surprising or whether he was just playing it up.  “You can’t spend it alone! Come with me, I’ll introduce you to my friends.” He grabbed me by the hand and dragged me along behind. I wasn’t all too pleased with that. He led me to an area of the courtyard which was under cover, where several people were already mingling.

Jaxon called out to the group, “Hey everyone! I’d like to introduce you to Ben! They’re new here so be sure to make them feel welcome!” He made an exaggerated gesture at me to make sure everyone knew just who he was talking about.

Oh god, there were so many people. They were all giving me a greeting, staring at me, but I couldn’t pay attention.

CW: Dissociation

I’m back.

I blinked and took in a deep breath. “Thanks,” I said to Jaxon.

“You ok?” Jaxon asked, noticeably concerned. I guess excitable puppy wasn’t the only mood the man was capable of.

I nodded. “I’m fine,” I sighed, “Everything was just too much. Too many people making too much noise. But I feel better now.” I took in a deep breath, held it for a moment, then let it go.

“I’m sorry for that. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have dragged you over there. I should’ve asked you first.”

Perhaps, yeah. It wasn’t like I expressly stated my desire to be left alone only to have that blatantly disregarded.

No, I shouldn’t get mad at him. He was only trying to make me feel included in the group; he had no way of knowing that I would get completely overwhelmed. And sure, he was the reason I’d become overwhelmed in the first place, but he immediately realised his mistake, pulled me out of the situation and apologised. If he was being genuine – and I hoped he was – then he would be more careful going into the future. Assuming I chose to stick with him.

I had to wonder whether it was worthwhile hanging around him. Sure, he seemed like a nice guy, but I wondered whether I could handle him. He was a lot, to say the least. Could I withstand that, or would his overenthusiasm just be too much for me?

“Would you like to spend the rest of recess and maybe also lunch as just the two of us?” Jaxon asked, looking down at me with a kind smile that was partially obscure by his beard.

“Yes please.”

Jaxon and I spent the rest of recess and all of lunch learning about each other. Unlike me – who was planning on studying physics at university – Jaxon hadn’t a clue what he wanted to do after high school. He wanted to study something at university, but he didn’t know what. His parents had always pushed him toward tertiary study, mostly as a firm foundation for finding employment in the future.

In many ways, we were vastly different. The obvious differences were our appearances, given that he was a giant, and I was tiny. He had a bushy beard while I couldn’t stand even a millimetre of stubble on my face. Not to mention that he clearly worked out or played sport, while I hadn’t done any exercise since I was last forced to take PE lessons at school. Whereas he was excitable and charismatic, I was a quiet introvert who liked to keep to myself. Thankfully, he had toned down his enthusiasm while it was just the two of us, so that I didn’t become overwhelmed again.

We both liked playing video games, so it was nice that we had something in common. He even divulged his computer specifications. A stark contrast to what I was used to. I’d learnt pretty quickly not to talk about that kind of stuff with people unless I wanted to be stared at like I was speaking some alien language. I definitely appreciated that he understood what I was saying while I explained my own computer specifications. His system was far older and less powerful than mine, a fact which, in hindsight, I probably should have been less haughty about.

Jaxon made absolutely sure to sit next to me in the one class we shared together: Mathematical Methods, the easier of the two mathematics subjects I was taking. It was here that I learnt that Jaxon’s mathematical abilities were, to put it bluntly, subpar. He wasn’t bad per se – he wouldn’t even be here if he were – but it was obvious that he would need to put in much more effort into this class than I.

While the teacher droned on and on about mathematics on which I already had a solid grasp, I helped occupy my mind by spinning my pen around my thumb. I didn’t know why but fidgeting with something in my hands seemed to put me generally at ease. My particular habit did mean that I would constantly drop my pen, but I didn’t mind. The gloves made gripping my pen a little harder than I had initially anticipated, but it was ok. I knew I had to wear these damn things for reasons outside of my control, so I’d have to get better at spinning the pen while wearing them anyway. No use complaining about the extra difficulty.

Since our maths class was the last for the day, I was all too prepared for the end of this overly long and overwhelming day. I was glad that it was finally over. I waved goodbye to Jaxon, who returned an enthusiastic farewell, and I began the walk home.

I found it rather odd, walking home from school. It wasn’t something I’d ever done before, but this new school was well within walking distance of home. While the busy main road assaulted my ears with constant noise, once I’d entered into the side streets I was able to relax in the soft sounds of the suburbs.

It was probably a good thing, walking home, for me at least. This was the most exercise I’d done in years, as much as I knew that not exercising was bad for the body and mind. But now I’d be walking to and from school, five days a week, which was a good thirty minutes of exercise per day. More than enough for me to stay fit and healthy. Well, healthy enough.

My legs were quite sore once I arrived home, but I chalked that up to how unfit I was. I was sure that my body would adjust to its new routine in no time, and my commute to and from school would become a breeze. The first week or two might be rough though.

I entered through the back door as per usual, noticing that it was unlocked for some reason. Dad probably forgot to lock it when he left. Typical. At least the door was closed this time.

I headed to my room, dumped my bag on the floor, and kicked off my shoes. I let out a sigh of relief and stretched my toes. That felt so much better. I didn’t need those stuffy shoes on any longer, especially not when it was warm out. I pulled my gloves off, thankful that I no longer needed them today. It was amazing just how clammy my hands could get inside those things. Then again, it was still summer. I decided to go wash my hands before doing anything else.

Heading to the kitchen to grab a snack, I bumped into dad leaving his own room. Odd.

“Oh, you’re home early,” I commented, rather confused that he was home at this time. He usually didn’t get back from work until at least after six.

He sighed, for some reason. Something was going on. “Do you want to sit down on the lounge for a bit so we can chat?” he said. Definitely something going on.

I nodded and followed him to the lounge room, sitting down next to him. A worried expression appeared on dad’s face, which filled me with anxiety. He inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly before speaking. “I need to be honest with you, Ben. I quit my job.”

That… was not what I was expecting at all. “Why?” I was now very concerned for him. He wouldn’t just up and leave his job for no reason.

Dad sunk into the lounge, looking both defeated and yet somehow relieved at the same time. “I couldn’t bear it anymore. The way that people’s treatment of me shifted so drastically after I first came to work like this –” he gestured at his body, “– was too much. The scorn, the leering, the disgust. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I put in my four weeks’ notice at the start of the year. Friday was my last day.”

It was difficult learning that my dad had been struggling so much at work. Sure, he’d previously talked about how it was harder for him now, but I had no idea that it was this bad. He just kept me in the dark. All because he didn’t want me to worry about him, no doubt. I suddenly felt bad about doing the same to him for so long. Refraining from mentioning the bullies at school, because I didn’t want to worry either of my parents.

“Why only tell me now?”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me, but it’s not like I’d be able to hide it for much longer.” I knew it.

“Please don’t tell your mother,” he added. I sighed at his request. With the way my parents loathed each other these days, I wasn’t too surprised, though it still pained me somewhat.

“So, what happens now?” I asked, concern seeping into my voice.

“Now, I’m taking some time off. Then I’ll find another job. One where people don’t know who I used to be.” He let out a wistful sigh and stared deeply off into the distance. There was a brief moment of silence before dad decided to change the subject. “Anyway, how was the first day at your new school?”

I smiled, glad to have the conversation shifted away from such a glum topic. I gave him a brief rundown of my day, though I left out any mention of my being overwhelmed at recess. Dad was very hopeful when I talked about Jaxon, though I made it clear that we hadn’t known each other near long enough for me to consider him a friend. He was well aware that I hadn’t any friends at my previous school (I never invited anyone over here, and no one ever invited me to their house), so he was glad that that may not be the case at this new school. Part of me hoped so too, but it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be content to be alone for the whole of the school year. That’s what I was used to.

There was a knock at the front door toward the end of my story. Dad beckoned me to answer it in his stead, knowing full well that it was mum at the door, dropping off James after picking him up from school, and he was worried that she might suspect something if he were to answer the door.

I stood up and opened the door, being greeted by my mum and brother. James did not look too well. Dad had failed to convince mum to let James continue to attend school as a boy, and it showed.

Gone was the button up and shorts that he wore last year, replaced by a school dress. He wore a cutesy headband in his hair to help accentuate his new feminine hairstyle. It was still shorter than mum would have liked, but there wasn’t really anything she could do about that. For now. On its own however, the hair wasn’t enough for people to read James as a girl. It was the feminine outfit that did that.

I still simply could not understand how mum didn’t see how she was hurting James. I had never once seen him happy while being forced to be a girl. And he certainly didn’t look happy now. Dad always let James be a boy, and the difference was night and day. Was it really for his own good if it made him fucking miserable?

“I trust that you can look after Chloe until your father comes home from work?” mum said, sounding rather annoyed, though I was unsure if her irritation was directed at me or dad.

I nodded, refraining from divulging the fact that dad no longer had a work from which to come home, and mum gave her farewells to both me and my little brother. I waved her goodbye, but James didn’t even so much as turn to face her, instead heading straight inside the house without a word. I closed the door behind me and finally grabbed myself a snack from the kitchen, before making my way back to the lounge room where dad was still sitting on the couch. 

James joined us not too long after, having changed out of his school uniform, and looking much less depressed as a result. Not back to his usual jovial self, but it was still better than how he was before. He was as surprised to see dad already home as I was when I first arrived home.

“How was your first day at your new school, James?” dad asked. Well, that question certainly killed the small amount of good mood James had. He gave dad a sour expression as he flopped onto the lounge with his arms crossed.

“I hated it,” he said tersely. No surprises there. “Why do I have to go to a new school anyway?”

Dad pursed his lips. “Your mother believed it best that you go to a new school to protect you. She was worried that other students might treat you poorly if you suddenly started coming to school as a girl.”

“Why do I have to go to school as a girl!?” my brother screamed. “I don’t want to be a girl! Everyone’s treating me weirdly, calling me ‘Chloe’ and I don’t like it.”

“I know, James,” dad whispered barely audibly. Then why would he let mum get her way? Why put James through this? This was clearly hurting him more than it was protecting him.

James brought his feet onto the lounge and hugged his legs. “I miss my friends,” James said wistfully.

“I don’t understand why James has to go to a new school either,” I added.

“It’s what your mother wanted.”

“But why let her do this?”

“I think this conversation is over,” dad announced, getting up from his seat and leaving the room. Ok. Whatever the reason, it was going to be difficult to get that information out of him, since he clearly didn’t want to talk about it.

I turned to my little brother. “If it’s any consolation, to me, you’ll always be my little brother James, no matter what anyone else says,” I reassured him as best I could. I smiled at him, though it was rather forced.

James smiled back. “Thanks, Ben.”