Be a girl

I made sure to close the front door behind us as we entered the house, since I couldn’t trust dad to do so, especially in his current state. He couldn’t even be trusted to shut doors properly on a good day.

Dad waddled over to the lounge and flopped onto it with the grace of beached jellyfish. He immediately reached for the bottle of wine which stood on the coffee table, but I snatched it up before he could grab it. There were no wine glasses on the table, or anywhere nearby, so I could only assume he was drinking this stuff straight out of the bottle. I shook the bottle to inspect how much liquid remained, only to discover it was nearly empty. I sighed. Had he drunk all this just today? That didn’t sound good. Now that he was smaller, his alcohol tolerance had likely diminished as well, and that did not bode well.

Dad pouted at me, “Hey! Give that back!”

“You’re not having any more of this,” I replied tersely, to which I received a groan in response. Luckily for him, I vaguely knew how to deal with someone who was extremely drunk. I put the bottle of wine away in the fridge, grabbed a glass from the kitchen cupboard, and filled it with some water from the tap.

I shoved the glass in front of my dad and ordered him to drink it. He sculled the whole thing in only a few seconds. After slamming the glass onto the coffee table and sinking back into the lounge, he let out a satisfied gasp.

I sat down next to him, only for him to rest his head on my shoulder. “Thanks Ben,” dad sighed sleepily, getting his head comfortable in the nook of my shoulder.

What was I going to do with him? I couldn’t very well let him get drunk all the time. Especially while James and I weren’t here. This could not become a regular occurrence. The last thing I wanted was for my father to become an alcoholic. Not like I could really talk to him right now though. He’d likely forget everything I’d have said by tomorrow morning. So, tomorrow morning was when our talk needed to happen.

“I love you,” dad added. I smiled, however forced it was. It was hard to be happy seeing my father in such a state. But knowing he cared about me was still nice.

“I love you too, dad.”

We sat on the couch together like this for quite a while. Neither of us spoke. I wasn’t sure, but dad might have fallen asleep, and I didn’t want to disturb him if he was, so I couldn’t check. I merely stared at the wall, contemplating. Our family was in tatters, and it felt like I was the only one trying to prevent things becoming worse. But I couldn’t give up. We were perfectly functional before; I didn’t understand why we couldn’t return to that. I didn’t understand why mum and dad deemed it necessary to separate. I didn’t understand why mum had to hurt James, forcing him to be something he didn’t want to be.

Miranda mentioned that it wasn’t fair to expect mum, a straight woman, to remain with dad now that he was a woman. What did that matter? He was still the same person, he just looked and sounded different. Sure, he acted differently now too, but that seemed more a result of depression brought on by the change, rather than something inherent to the change itself. James hadn’t changed all that much at all. He only started acting differently once mum expected him to act and dress like a girl.

But why did dad get himself drunk? Something was wrong. Very wrong. Was he really that upset about not being able to see his kids for two days? Surely not. There must’ve been more going on than that. Mum hadn’t seen James nor me for two weeks prior to us staying at her sister’s place, and she didn’t seem upset enough to get drunk. Though maybe she had during the first couple days away, and I was simply unaware. That was a possibility, though it didn’t sound plausible. This was all speculation anyway. There was no way she’d admit to it even if I were to ask her.

Dad stirred and shifted slightly. He looked up at me blankly, not quite having gotten his bearings yet. When he finally had, he shot up from the lounge. “I need to pee,” he announced, before immediately drunk waddling to the toilet.

While he was doing that, I picked up the empty glass on the coffee table and headed back to the kitchen. After filling it up with some more tap water, I returned to the lounge room and waited for dad to come back.

And waited.

…

He sure was taking a while in there. It had been several minutes now, and he hadn’t returned, so I decided to check on him. The toilet door was closed when I arrived, so he hadn’t run off at least. I gently knocked on the door. “Dad, are you alright?” I asked softly.

“Yes!” I heard immediately from the other side of the door. I heard the toilet flush and within moments dad exited the room and walked over to the bathroom sink to wash his hands. And also his face. He dried off both his hands and face with the hand towel and turned back to face me. “I think I need to go for a walk.”

Despite washing his face off, his cheeks were all puffy and pink, and his eyes were bloodshot. In mere minutes, he’d managed to become even more dishevelled than when he had answered the front door earlier. “Dad, have you been crying?”

“No!” he answered approximately way too quickly. Yep. He’d been crying. Was it worth it to push the issue? Probably not. At least not while he was still drunk. And it would take several hours for him to completely sober up.

“If you’re going for a walk, then I’m coming with you.”

“Ok.”

Before leaving, I forced dad to drink some more water, which he downed just as quickly as the last. Upon finishing his water, he headed for the back door. Although I shut it behind me on the way out, I kept it unlocked, since I didn’t have my keys on me, and I didn’t trust that dad did either. He didn’t exactly give me enough time to go grab mine, and I didn’t want him wandering off without me. It’d be fine anyway, we wouldn’t be gone for too long, and we wouldn’t be going very far.

The sun had just barely set a few minutes prior by the looks of things. The western horizon had that familiar gloaming glow. A special sight. The only time of day where one could briefly see the entire colour spectrum in the sky: beginning with red, and working its way through orange to yellow, even a thin strip of green, then finally to the deep dark blue that blanketed the rest of the sky.

There was still a small amount of light remaining from the sun, but it wouldn’t last for too much longer. I planned to lead dad only around the block, so that we would return not long after all the sun’s light had faded. The streetlights in our neighbourhood were sparse and barely lit anything, not to mention the moon was currently a waxing crescent, so it didn’t provide much light either. 

Dad inhaled deeply, taking in the cool early summer night air. It was getting rather chilly at this time; if I were planning on staying out here longer, I would have brought a long sleeve shirt. But I could survive a few minutes in air that was slightly too cool to be comfortable, so I didn’t worry too much about it.

It was nice out, even if a bit cool for my liking. Better than it still being thirty degrees (or higher) even after the sun had set. It was a bit too early in summer for a night like that though. Although, such a temperature could be quite nice for an evening stroll, given a sunburn was impossible. It was just that sleeping was a pain if you didn’t have good air conditioning.

We remained silent for the entire duration of the walk, only about ten minutes. I wished I could say it was relaxing, but my mind was racing about the events of today. It was a nice night, sure, but that didn’t calm my brain in the slightest. I wasn’t sure anything could manage such a feat at this point.

“Feeling better?” I asked dad once we arrived back home. He was noticeably less wobbly now that he’d had some time to sober up. He was still clearly drunk, but its effects had lessened somewhat.

“Yeah,” he replied softly.

“That’s good.”

“You’re a good kid, Ben.”

“Thanks?” I was a little confused by this sudden comment, unsure what brought it on. I wasn’t even sure I deserved it.

“I think I need a lie down,” dad announced suddenly, starting towards his bedroom.

“Ok.”

I followed dad back inside the house and headed for the laundry. I wasn’t sure how drunk he was now, so to be safe, I grabbed a bucket to put beside his bed. Hopefully this could catch any potential vomit and stop him from making a mess of his bedroom carpet. Hopefully.

Dad hadn’t even bothered changing out of his clothes before hopping into bed. He was lying on top of the covers when I arrived, staring at the ceiling. That wouldn’t do. I placed the bucket beside him, on the floor, then tried pulling him onto his side. Not that he made it easy for me. He was being rather uncooperative, refusing to move. It really didn’t help that I was quite physically weak. I also suspected that, even though he was now shorter than me, he still probably had the greater mass.

Eventually I managed to roll him over onto his side, carefully placing his bottom arm facing out in front of him to keep him steady. I definitely did not want him choking to death on his own vomit in his sleep. But he should be fine now. Assuming he remained in that position. I couldn’t exactly babysit him all night.

It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, for which I was thankful. It had been a very long day, and I was exhausted. Even though it wasn’t that late, I decided to head to bed myself. Not that I could sleep very well. My mind was racing. Thinking about how to deal with everything going on in the family at the moment. But sleep didn’t escape me forever, and my mind eventually slipped into unconsciousness. 

***

I awoke to the sound of the doorbell ringing. I checked the time: eight in the morning. Earlier than I normally woke up while on holidays, but not too much earlier. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the front door. Whoever it was would have to deal with me still in my pyjamas. I was sufficiently covered so it was their problem if they took issue.

I figured it was mum and James, come to pick up James’ uniform for today before driving him to school. And my suspicion was correct. Though I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just come in through the back door like we usually did. She had a key; she didn’t need to announce her presence here.

“Hurry up Chloe, go get changed into your school uniform,” mum said as soon as I opened the door. James brushed past me in his hurry to get to his room and out of the dress mum had forced him to wear. It was a different one to yesterday. Just how many dresses did mum by for him? Also, why force him into a dress that he would immediately change out of? It didn’t make much sense to me.

“Your father’s not still drunk, is she?” mum asked me. My brain struggled to comprehend how mum didn’t quite grasp the dissonance of calling dad ‘father’ and ‘she’ in the same sentence, but I didn’t press it. I was still groggy from just having woken up. It wasn’t worth it anyway.

“No,” I replied curtly. Truth was, I wasn’t one hundred percent, but it was a reasonable hunch. I hadn’t exactly had time to check on dad this morning. But I doubted he got up in the middle of the night to drink more while I was asleep. I hoped.

“Good, because I’m not leaving my daughter with a drunk woman.”

I held back a sigh. Both my parents were being so… hostile to each other, and I hated it. Why couldn’t they just get along? Sure, they had separated, but why would that equate to them suddenly loathing each other? I didn’t understand.

“Do you want to come in?” I offered mum.

“I’m good,” she replied tersely.

“Suit yourself.”

The sudden silence was painstakingly awkward. I wasn’t sure if it was ok for me to go off and do something else, leaving mum standing by the front door alone. So I stayed. Remaining within the painful silence, waiting for James to return.

I turned around when I heard footsteps down the hall, seeing my little brother round the corner in his uniform, school bag on his back. He had draped the dress he was previously wearing over his shoulder. He appeared to be in a somewhat better mood now that he was wearing clothes he was accustomed to and found comfortable. No one at school knew about what happened to him, so he wouldn’t have to worry about people treating him as a girl… for now. He only had one more week of school until school holidays, and if mum got her way, he’d be attending school next year as a girl. Poor kid. But for now at least, to everyone at his school, he was just a normal boy.

I stepped aside to let James through the doorway, giving him a smile which I hoped didn’t look too forced. Not that it mattered anyway; he kept his eyes glued to the floor directly in front of his feet.

As he and mum walked back to the car, I had a spur of the moment idea. I had told James I’d make it up to him for making him stay with mum last night, and this could be the way. “Wait!” I called out. They both turned to face me, wondering why I’d suddenly called for their attention. “How about I pick James up from school this week?”

James beamed at me, clearly liking my idea. He looked up at mum excitedly. “Can he, mum?”

“I don’t know…” mum said.

“Pleeeeaaaassseeeee?” James whined.

She sighed. “Are you sure about this?” she asked me nervously. I nodded, making my affirmation obvious. “Ok then. You can pick Chloe up from school. Call me when you’re both home safe, ok?”

“Yay!” exclaimed James, bouncing around joyfully. I smiled once again, this time genuinely. It was a nice thing to see him so happy after our abysmal weekend.

I waved them goodbye and closed the door behind me.

Now was as good a time as any. Dad should have sobered up by now, and it was imperative that we discussed what mum was doing to James.