Abyssal Road Trip

Amdirlain’s PoV - Outlands - Outpost of the Monastery of the Western Reaches

Sarith’s presence at Kadaklan’s manor and their morning preparation drew Amdirlain’s attention. Having hoped to catch them both, she teleported to his front yard.

A gardener sweeping the path showed Amdirlain inside and called ahead, bringing Kadaklan and Sarith to the front lobby. While Kadaklan wore his customary bright orange and yellow garments, Sarith wore only loose pants and a cotton top instead of the monastery’s grey and black robes. The fabric clung to her almost gaunt frame, softened only by the lingering sleepiness about her that had a woodland touch.

Did she sleep here because of the reverie issues or something else? Neither of them has any lingering energies from the other.

“What’s wrong, Am?” murmured Kadaklan. “Your gaze looks stern and hollow this morning.”

“I’m all over the place,” whispered Amdirlain. “I need to burden a friend with my woes.”

“Something that has you looking like this doesn’t seem pleasant,” observed Kadaklan as he studied her set expression. “Are you sure Sarah wouldn’t be the best person to talk to?”

“Or do you need time with me?” Sarith asked in elven, and she continued when Kadaklan regarded her curiously. “We had a brief discussion.”

Amdirlain swallowed hard. “Part of it involves Sarah, but I don’t need a healer’s confidence. I’m trying to sort out my thoughts, and I need someone to listen and tell me if I’m being stupid. My challenge is that partly it is my emotions and those of a past life.”

“I don’t have experience with past life memories, but Kadaklan does,” said Sarith.

“What happened to your proper speech patterns?” inquired Amdirlain.

Sarith huffed.

“Did your sister win that argument?”

“We’re not speaking in our birth tongue,” grumbled Sarith. “Since the others wish to move forward from a fresh start, so will I.”

Amdirlain restrained her smile. “Would you object to talking to me together?”

Sarith awkwardly nodded, and Kadaklan motioned for Amdirlain to walk with him. “Come around the back. I know you could wrap us in concealments, but my rooms are more comfortable than the lab space.”

Amdirlain nodded sharply, stilled the trembling in her hands, moved to catch up, and let Sarith fall in behind her. The clinic was quiet in the early morning, with no patients staying overnight, so they made the back extension of his manor undisturbed by students or servants. In the middle of Kadaklan’s private room were a circle of couches around a low table, the peaked ceiling and the decorative shutters gave the room an airy feel. The room's white and gold wood panelling added to the warmth by reflecting the sunlight. The wood carvings showed elaborate jungle and coastal scenes, with islands peeking from the waters.

As Kadaklan headed straight for a side table where a tea set was located, Amdirlain picked a chair with minimal lingering traces from previous visitors and Sarith sat beside her. With precise motions, Kadaklan loaded a tray and brought over a water heater, a jar of tea leaves, and the rest of the items to prepare the tea ‘properly’.

He set the tray on one side of the low table, knelt before it, and sat back on his heels. The formal preparation of tea was a relaxing formality that Amdirlain had slowly begun to appreciate, and she gently cycled in time to Kadaklan’s actions. When he tapped the whisk and gently set it aside, he turned and offered her the cup with both hands.

Amdirlain let out a breath and released her Ki as she reached for the cup, only to blink in surprise at the faint golden mist that hovered in the air between them before it started to settle.

“Interesting,” murmured Kadaklan, raising his palm beneath it. “That gives a friendly warmth. Did you ‘unlock’ anything just then? That is the term you use, isn’t it?”

“That’s the term, but there was no notification,” replied Amdirlain. “It was unintentional and not what I’m here to talk about this morning.”

“It was beautiful,” murmured Sarith.

“I’ll look into if anyone has heard of a technique like it later,” said Kadaklan, and he set about preparing a cup for Sarith.

After the strange mist, Amdirlain didn’t risk cycling but merely sat and watched his actions.

“Where would you like to start?” inquired Kadaklan as he set the last utility aside.

“With everything resolved with a magic wave of my hand,” grumbled Amdirlain.

Kadaklan smiled sadly. “You can do so much. Is it upsetting to have limits?”

“I don’t want to hurt Sarah, but I also need to do right by myself,” stated Amdirlain. “The problem is, I don’t know the right thing to do, let alone what path to take.”

“That sounds ominous. Do you intend to hurt her?”

Amdirlain shook her head.

“But you’re worried you’ll sour things?” asked Sarith.

“I’ve screwed things up before,” said Amdirlain. “Pretty sure I did that just recently, and I’m presently in an ongoing mess.”

“What happened?”

“I recovered some memories of past lives,” muttered Amdirlain. “Kadaklan told me some of his past lives made him uncomfortable.”

“I’ve had lives where I was insensitive towards the pain of others. That attitude is disconcerting now, even if I can understand why I was like that in that life,” allowed Kadaklan, his fingers tracing the lip of the cup thoughtfully. “I think they were lessons I needed to learn, and while unpleasant, they strengthened my Soul and taught me about compassion. That doesn’t mean you have similar life experiences for the same reason. Some find that they have combative past lives that prepare them to shoulder the burden of taking a life.”

He also sees that life as him.

“How about memories that are what you’ve always wanted but are just slightly out of tune with your preferences?” queried Amdirlain.

A smile curled Kadaklan’s expressive mouth.

“Don’t tease, please,” breathed Amdirlain.

“I wouldn’t tease,” reassured Kadaklan. “I take it your question relates to how you and Sarah behaved the other day?”

“Something significant has happened since you were clear about your sexual preferences to Nomein,” said Sarith.

“Yes,” grunted Amdirlain. “I let myself get swept up in the emotions from a past life.”

“Ahh, so you don’t feel that way about Sarah?” questioned Kadaklan.

“Yes, and no, it’s difficult to explain,” groaned Amdirlain. “I can hear the music of her Soul, and it’s beautiful and overwhelming, but she’s got all her past life memories.”

“Why is that an issue?”

Amdirlain groaned. “Sarah can remember a relationship we had in our original lifetimes.”

“You think her care for you is just trying to relive this past lifetime?” questioned Kadaklan.

“Maybe, no, I don’t know. Sarah said she fell in love with me as Julia,” sighed Amdirlain. When Kadaklan looked confused, she hurriedly continued. “My Human lifetime where neither of us had access to old memories, and it sounded like the truth.”

“You’re concerned about her expectations now, or if those old memories influence her current emotions?” asked Kadaklan.

“Yes,” grunted Amdirlain. “My head is spinning with doubts.”

“If you’re in a relationship and already expressing doubts-” murmured Kadaklan.

Amdirlain trashed her head back and forth. “I told her I needed time to sort my head out.”

“Sounds like a sensible decision,” allowed Kadaklan cautiously.

“But then I made the stupid suggestion the next day that we could try a relationship, and she shut me down,” groaned Amdirlain.

Kadaklan groaned with her, picked up a cushion from a nearby chair, and head-butted it.

“Does that make you feel better?”

With a huff, Kadaklan set the pillow aside and locked his gaze with Amdirlain. “Sarah!”

“Hey,” protested Amdirlain, only to catch Kadaklan’s smile.

“Alright. How did you feel when she insisted you do what you wanted time for?” asked Kadaklan.

Amdirlain sighed and hid her face in her hands. “Like someone had ripped my heart out.”

Kadaklan leaned forward briefly and touched her wrist. “Did she give you a reason?”

“I didn’t have my happy glow when I proposed trying,” explained Amdirlain, lowering her hands.

“I know that glow. You were upbeat during every morning training session. I wanted to strangle you,” said Sarith. “Was that her only objection?”

“She didn’t want me acting because I regretted not having more time with Torm.”

“Are you in a healthier place with him?” observed Kadaklan.

“Yes,” confirmed Amdirlain.

“I wondered, as your voice used to possess a sharp, pained quality at the mere mention of his name. Who brought him up?”

“I did,” confirmed Amdirlain.

Kadaklan’s eyes widened. “Okay. That’s surprising.”

“I miss him, and I wish he hadn’t suffered that fate, but I’ve mourned him and moved on,” explained Amdirlain. “Many of my early performances on Qil Tris helped me let go of my grief.”

“Your performance at the memorial certainly was very impactful,” Kadaklan said. “The trace of that got played many times over the years. Although it didn’t fully capture your Charisma, I saw enough people moved to tears listening to that wordless melody. Why did you decide to put your preference for a male partner aside?”

Sarith’s theme hummed with curiosity, but she didn’t interrupt.

“Neither of us is Human, and I can hear souls so clearly now. You’re sitting there in Human form, but I’m no longer seeing only it or your Phoenix form,” stated Amdirlain.

Kadaklan tilted his head curiously. “What do you see now?”

“The energy of your Soul overlays your form, and Sarah’s is scarred but beautiful. Being rejected made me spin out, and I’ve got so many emotions battering at my control, and I don’t know if they’re mine or from a past life.”

“Do the feelings repulse you?”

Amdirlain shook her head. “What are the standard teachings about past lives and emotions?”

“Are you sure I should tell you?” Kadaklan enquired.

“I’m tired of only learning part of things,” groaned Amdirlain. “But I don’t want to read many books and come to an understanding now. I’d like an answer, and I’ll figure out if it applies to me later; I just want the standard belief.”

“The standard philosophy is that it's still yours,” stated Kadaklan. “One doesn’t partition a Soul like real estate ready to be sold off. Who you are now differs from who you were then, but those past lives are still part of the greater whole. The collective of all those experiences makes you who you are, Amdirlain. Whether you are conscious of them, your Soul learnt lessons, suffered losses, experienced triumphs, and all these experiences, along with the lifetimes, influence what you love, treasure, or hate, for better or worse.”

“At the moment, I’m spinning between fear, self-doubt, and desire for happiness for both of us,” sighed Amdirlain, and she briefly explained the harp and the memories and feelings that had arisen. “I can see what a mess I am and wonder why she’d even want to be with me. Then I go back to her words, know they were the truth, and second guess myself, wondering why she’d feel that way.”

Kadaklan listened quietly, sipping his tea while Amdirlain talked. When she finished, he carefully set the cup down and folded his hands in his lap. “Are you trying to force yourself to resolve your emotions?”

“Yes.”

Kadaklan smiled. “Why are you talking to us instead of Sarah?”

“I don’t want to hurt her,” replied Amdirlain. “She’s too important to me to risk.”

Amdirlain choked off as more words tangled in her throat.

“Was that at all hard to admit?” asked Kadaklan.

Yes, it was, and I couldn’t even say everything.

Amdirlain slowly shook her head. Kadaklan glanced over at Sarith, who nodded calmly.

“Why don’t you want to risk hurting her?”

“She’s a friend. Sarah’s always been there for me. I trust her with my life,” replied Amdirlain. “I’ll admit I was blind to the fact she was in love with me, but that doesn’t change a thing.”

Blind to how she’s been there. I’m such a movie cliche, blind to the feelings of someone who’s always been there for me, waiting in the wings.

“Trust is a good foundation for a relationship, even if it doesn’t go any further,” observed Kadaklan. “You know I’ve got a thing for bamboo.”

“It’s a weird fetish,” drawled Amdirlain.

“Analogy wise,” grumbled Kadaklan, and he fixed Amdirlain with a mock glare.

Amdirlain’s answering grin widened, her merry mask sitting awkwardly over her pain.

“Bamboo spends years spreading its root system unseen by humans, then suddenly bursts up from the ground. It grows metres and keeps growing even if you chop it back,” stated Kadaklan. “Like with a bamboo plant, why don’t you step back and wait?”

“I waited so long for someone who hurt me,” said Amdirlain.

“Not Torm?”

“No,” laughed Amdirlain merrily. “I was head over heels about a guy who I thought loved and respected me enough to want to marry me. Instead, he ended up cheating on me with another so-called friend.”

Kadaklan winced. “What an Idiot.”

“I dodged the bullet by catching them,” said Amdirlain. “I don’t believe he would have been faithful later. Sarah was always there for me, and I was blind to how she felt.”

“That still doesn’t explain the rush?” enquired Kadaklan. “You’re not ageing, and Sarah has at least a few hundreds of thousands of years from what she’s told me of gem dragons.”

“My emotions are everywhere, and I need to settle them.”

“So it’s not the relationship you desire,” observed Kadaklan. “It’s emotional control of yourself you want. You know you can’t get something inside yourself merely through a relationship.”

“I want to control only the parts that aren’t my emotions. I’ve got them bubbling up from past lives,” Amdirlain objected. “Ori's feelings for Syl were passionate.”

“Syl, being Sarah’s past life?”

“Yes, it was Ori’s nickname for her,” clarified Amdirlain.

“How do you feel about Sarah?”

“I care for Sarah, and I could finally feel her love. I don’t know why I’m fixated on the physical form when it's no longer a limitation for me, and Sarah appears to be the same way,” said Amdirlain.

Kadaklan nodded. “You have taken on many forms, some of them male. Would there be an attraction if you knew Sarah only as a male? Or if she had been he all along?”

“I wouldn’t have had any conflict if Sarah were a guy, and wouldn’t have told her I needed to get my thoughts straight,” sighed Amdirlain. “But some of these emotions weren’t there until I could hear her Soul, which arose from my Resonance evolution. An evolution I’m not sure I would have gained for years without experiencing that memory.”

“Okay, I see some conflicts you’re dealing with. You’re not opposed to the emotions you’re feeling?”

“No,” agreed Amdirlain.

“But they concern you because you feel they’re not purely your own?” said Kadaklan. “Does that then feed into your self-doubt?”

“Yeah,” admitted Amdirlain. “People talk about the giddy-in-love phase in a new relationship. The pair never completely lost that love. How do I ensure I’m not just grabbing at a fairy tale connection after all I’ve been through?”

“You wanted to take it step by step and see if you’d grow together,” Sarith asked the music in her theme bouncing happily.

Amdirlain raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t take you for a romantic.”

“I’m not,” insisted Sarith. “I’m merely trying to understand your mindset.”

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Kadaklan covered his mouth with his hand, but his gaze shone.

“Don’t,” grumbled Sarith, her gaze locked on Kadaklan’s. “If you make any comment, Master Kadaklan, I’ll set Klipyl on you again.”

What was Klipyl doing?

Kadaklan coughed and returned his attention to Amdirlain.

Amdirlain nodded to prompt him to go on.

“You’ve previously retrieved memories because events have attuned you to parts of your past lives, whether it be the form you’ve taken on or particular skills you were pushing,” commented Kadaklan. “You’ve opened up yourself to the possibility of love for Sarah, and the emotions bubbled up. Is it so surprising?”

Amdirlain pulled a face. “Also jealousy,”

“Jealousy of Sarah?”

“No. I visited the Lómë, heard Roher’s wife with their children, and felt a wave of jealousy surge inside me,” admitted Amdirlain.

“That she was married?”

“No, for her having children,” clarified Amdirlain, her mouth twisted with the sour emotions that shivered across her Soul.

The ugliness is still there, merely hidden away where I can’t spot it yet.

Kadaklan nodded. “You’ve not felt that for the parents around the monastery?”

“No,” said Amdirlain. “Even now, I can hear their songs, and it’s nice. So I don’t understand the connection.”

Kadaklan tilted his head in a bird-like motion that almost had Amdirlain smiling. “Isn’t one of her children an Anar?”

“Yes,” agreed Amdirlain, and she felt a pang of jealousy again, along with pain running through her Soul.

“And Ori had a daughter, correct?” asked Kadaklan.

Amdirlain nodded sharply.

“Did you investigate the child’s Soul?”

“It wasn’t Ólneth,” rebuffed Amdirlain.

“You’ve told me you only have fragments of Ori’s memories, but it could be someone else who was important to her who was reborn,” suggested Kadaklan. “The Anar population wasn’t that big. Eight million, correct?”

Amdirlain smiled. “You know more about my history than I know about yours.”

“I listen,” said Kadaklan.

“Yeah, it’s why I came to hassle you,” admitted Amdirlain.

Kadaklan smiled reassuringly. “You’re never a hassle.”

“I upended your life,” stated Amdirlain.

“Oh, did you take him captive?” questioned Sarith.

Amdirlain sighed. “No.”

“Indeed, she didn’t,” stated Kadaklan. “I got paid to heal her legs initially and returned after she re-injured them. Saying you upended my life is, at best, questionable. Might I remind you that you paid me a fortune in Ki alone over the years I was on Qil Tris?”

“That is a stretch. Kadaklan had a choice, as did I,” Amusement rippled within Sarith, and she smiled at Kadaklan. “Did you feel it was a good choice?”

“Yes,” confirmed Kadaklan.

Sarith nodded. “Whereas mine was bad as I allowed anger to upend mine, but it turned out so much better. I’m not an expert on past lives, and I’m unsure why Ori’s promise changed her. I’m sure you left that detail out for a reason, so I won’t pry. On the surface, I can see one element, which is an understandable trauma.”

“What is that?” questioned Amdirlain.

“You had this grand love and agonising pain in a past life when you were both female,” said Sarith. “Even in what I consider normal relationships when a spouse or loved one dies, it's not uncommon to seek relationships that don’t provide reminders. Have you considered the potential that it’s the reason the rest of the romantic relationships you managed between you had different genders?”

“Like someone avoiding the same mistake?” asked Amdirlain.

Sarith shook her head. “I in no way said it was a mistake. When you get hurt, you... well, most people avoid situations in which they experience pain.”

“Has someone been telling tales?” asked Amdirlain, giving Kadaklan a dose of side-eye.

Kadaklan kept a straight face. “We were discussing perverted daos yesterday.”

“Are you changing the subject?” asked Sarith.

“Absolutely,” confirmed Amdirlain.

“I only said it because it seems like you are making things hard on yourself,” stated Sarith.

Amdirlain braced herself for criticism, and her mouth hardened. “In what way?”

“You already have a relationship with Sarah, but you are smacking yourself for needing time to consider whether the next step is right,” said Sarith. “You also told her to keep a female form for what—superficially—is a valid reason, but it still increases your challenge. Relationships can change over time, but the best ones are based on respect, friendship, and trust. Or do you have a different view?”

“No,” breathed Amdirlain.

Sarith smiled, surprising Amdirlain. “Then my suggestion is to be her friend and be a friend to yourself. I think the second will be more difficult for you. Perhaps it will be a harder battle than the Eldritch and demon lords you hunt.”

Amdirlain swallowed a lump in her throat and sipped tea to mask her unsettled composure.

“You are pretty hard on yourself, Amdirlain,” agreed Kadaklan. “Would it hurt to stop treating yourself as a disposable resource? You’re a special individual to many people.”

“You’re not disposable to us,” stated Sarith, and in a fashion very improper for a healer, she leaned forward to grasp Amdirlain’s forearm. “Amdirlain, you’re our life-giver. You pointed us towards a different path and helped us find our way.”

“I don’t see it that way,” protested Amdirlain.

“Of course you don’t,” acknowledged Sarith. “You repeatedly fought the Grand Master’s champion to a draw and returned to classes the next day as if it was nothing. Why am I surprised you don’t value yourself? It would help if you gave yourself more credit, Amdirlain. You said Sarah told you she fell in love when you were in your home realm.”

“Sarah has Syl’s memories of her. They are part of her, so how can I compare to Ori?” blurted Amdirlain.

Kadaklan sat up straighter. “I heard you say you’re not Orhêthurin before, but I didn’t know you meant it like that.”

“It’s not just that,” grunted Amdirlain.

Sarith patted her arm reassuringly. “Then it makes sense that you wanted to speak to us instead of Sarah. Self-doubt is causing emotional conflict, and you don’t want your doubts about Sarah’s feelings to sit between you later. Is there anything else about the situation bothering you?”

“I learned some things I’m not sure I should tell Sarah about,” sighed Amdirlain. “Yet two of the secrets involve her.”

“Is it a secret that will hurt her?” asked Kadaklan.

Amdirlain shifted back and rested her head against the back of the chair. “I think she’d feel betrayed if I didn’t tell her, and if I tell her one, the other will come out.”

“Are they the memories you spoke of?”

“No, they’re things I learnt about afterwards,” clarified Amdirlain. “I won’t go into details, as it involves a powerful being.”

“And are you worried you kept these secrets because she rejected you?” questioned Sarith.

Amdirlain sighed. “Maybe. It seems like she was right.”

“Do you have many secrets from her?”

“She knows more about me and my past lives than I do about her,” laughed Amdirlain tightly. “They fuel my self-doubts, and I wonder about the influence her past lives have on her emotions.”

“Then the imbalance is not just on your side,” noted Sarith. “You found a way for her to break her curse. That is why she was so tiny when she first visited you in Limbo, right?”

“Yes,” confirmed Amdirlain.

Sarith nodded. “You weren’t in the wrong. You told her you needed time to get your head on straight and, at that point said nothing further. Her approach of giving you a flat no first was obviously sub-optimal given your current feelings. How would you have felt if she gave you the reasons first?”

“I don’t know,”

“Okay, you need to process all these emotions, but let’s take a step back to that moment,” instructed Sarith. “Pull back from the emotions. I want you to acknowledge they are there but consider your emotional state at the time you spoke to her.”

“Okay,” Amdirlain warily agreed.

“Think of it like an acting exercise,” prompted Sarith. “How did you feel?”

“Nervous, excited and worried.”

“Now consider her explanation first and ignore everything else. How do you think you’d feel now?”

“Confused about what to do,” sighed Amdirlain. “But maybe not twisting myself in knots.”

Sarith nodded. “Sarah could have shared her observations first to ease you into a place of understanding, but she held you to a standard that few relationships start at. It is far more common for love to grow slowly over time than for a burst of emotion to sweep a couple away. Even then, holding onto the emotional vibrance is something few do.”

“I didn’t think that would be familiar.”

“After all your time at the monastery, do you think our people aren’t emotionally expressive?” chuckled Sarith. “Perhaps not to an outsider’s eyes. It’s all very cerebral. When you find a couple in love, their mental energy makes it clear to those around them, even when their composure remains in place. Frankly, among our people, holding hands and sneaking kisses on the cheek are very personal gestures, so she’s having her cake and eating it, too. Is that the phrase?”

“We spent years on Qil Tris, and those are merely mild gestures of friendship there,” countered Amdirlain. “Hugging friends is normal where we’re from as well.”

“Did holding her hand make you uncomfortable? Or does the thought of kissing her repulse you?” Sarith asked.

Amdirlain blurted. “No!”

“Very well, so you’ll both need to learn to navigate this situation,” noted Sarith. “How would you have felt if she had told you she was confused about the next step?”

“Relieved,” murmured Amdirlain.

Sarith released Amdirlain’s forearm and let her hand settle on the chair’s arm. “Why?”

“Because we’d both be in the same situation. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time,” whispered Amdirlain, fighting the urge to scrub at her skin.

“How do you feel about your past life memories?”

“They scare me,” admitted Amdirlain. “I’ve spoken to Sarah about it and told her I’m afraid of losing who I am among them. There are just so many years involved, not centuries or millennia, but billions of years. Is that fear understandable?”

Kadaklan nodded reassuringly. “You’ve been afraid of them for a while now?”

“Yes,” admitted Amdirlain, and she gripped the edge of her pants as she fought the urge to pace. “Is it wrong not to want to lose who I am?”

Argh, I just said that. Fuck! I’m rambling. I hate this!

Kadaklan smiled reassuringly. “Not at all, particularly when you had a powerful memory sweeping away your concept of self. Many people would consider sexual preferences a fairly important foundation of who they are as a person.”

“What do you want to do with the memories?” asked Sarith. “Apologies, but for my sake, could you give me a brief explanation of how you normally experience them?”

“They arise almost like flashes of inspiration,” explained Amdirlain. “I’ll be in the middle of something, or after I’ve learnt something, a related rush of memories will hit me. My use of the harp was the first time I had called any forth deliberately.”

“Do any of the courts have ways to explore past lives?” inquired Sarith, directing the question to Kadaklan.

“There are experts in such matters among the immortals and Shen in all the courts,” replied Kadaklan.

“I also need to find an expert in Harmony,” said Amdirlain. “There are so many things I need to learn.”

“Ahh, you’ve already started to look at an option I thought might benefit you,” advised Kadaklan. “Mind you, I’m still researching it, as Harmony isn’t a Power I’ve evolved.”

Gideon, could you have actually dropped a better hint?

“What do you mean?”

“From what I’ve read, it is easier to be one with yourself than the world around you,” clarified Kadaklan. “In my research on your spiritual net and directing energy from it to ease the wounds in your Soul, I came across mentions of a Harmony evolution.”

“You told me not to force extra energy through the link,” reminded Amdirlain.

“It doesn’t involve extra energy at all. From the limited details in the text, I found it uses the Ki that cycling would normally funnel to the Soul more efficiently,” stated Kadaklan. “The only issue is we don’t have the full text on the technique involved. Master Cyrus is working with the librarian to see if we have any similar techniques that might provide the same result as a side effect of their use.”

“Can you tell what the effect does at a high level?” inquired Amdirlain.

“It seems to help focus Ki on particular flaws in your Soul while cycling,” stated Kadaklan. “It’s only referred to in a derived cycling technique that omitted the influence on the Soul. The reason for the lack is that the original was for an Immortal, and since the chakras differ from a spiritual net, an alteration was required that removed the flow-on effect on the Soul. However, learning the Immortal technique is easier if the Mortal has studied the version for the chakras.”

“Okay, that makes sense,” allowed Amdirlain.

“We’re getting away from what you wanted to discuss,” noted Sarith. “Are you feeling well enough to continue, or should we let the conversation transition to safer topics?”

I want to run away.

The thoughts drew a grunt from Amdirlain. “I keep running away from my emotions.”

“Let’s explore that,” suggested Sarith, and she gave Amdirlain’s forearm a reassuring squeeze. “We’re here for you.”

“Okay,” Amdirlain agreed hesitantly.

“Do you value other people’s emotions above your own?”

Amdirlain grimaced.

This is going to be a long conversation.

Sarith considered her carefully. “Let’s start logically.”

“Alright. What do you mean by that?” questioned Amdirlain carefully.

“Let’s start at the beginning after using the harp how your emotions shifted and catalogue all the emotions,” proposed Sarith. “You’ve perfect recall, so we can review each, consider the past and present life implications, and then move on to the next.”

“To let me establish patterns of recognition and handling them?” questioned Amdirlain.

“Do you think that would help?” Sarith asked. “It should let you see points of influence.”

“That could take a while,” hedged Amdirlain.

“I’ll clear my schedule,” Kadaklan offered immediately. “There might be exercises I’ve used that will help.”

“I’m here as long as you need me,” affirmed Sarith.